“You can’t keep pretending not to hear me. You didn’t sell any of Dad’s sports memorabilia, did you? Or one of the cars?” I was suddenly panicked by the thought of all the things he could have sold. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll . . . I’ll . . .”
“You will what?” Klawde said, daring me to threaten him.
“I’ll . . . pet you,” I said.
Klawde’s eyes narrowed. “Well played, ogre,” he said. He began to calmly lick a paw. “Have you ever heard of KitKoin?”
“Of course,” I said. “Everyone’s talking about it.”
“I was, shall we say . . .” He stopped licking for a moment. “An early investor in it.”
“What are you talking about?” I said. “How?”
Klawde explained that he had opened an online KitKoin account using money I’d put in the bank after the garage sale, and that he’d bought twenty of the cyber coins when they were still worth one dollar each.
“But why would you do that?”
“Because by your standards—or any standards, really—I am a genius,” he said. “Also, the name intrigued me.”
“So how much are your KitKoins worth now?” I asked.
“Oh, roughly a thousand times what I paid for them.” He went back to licking his paw.
I felt my heart skip a beat.
“Wait. Are you saying we’re worth twenty thousand dollars?”
“No, ogre. I am saying that I am worth $19,980. You are worth $20.”
“Hey, that’s not fair!” I cried.
“Another most unfeline word. This tedious conversation is now over,” Klawde declared, jumping off the bed and heading for the door.
“Will you at least buy me a skateboard?” I called after him. “And, like, a bunch of pizza?”
CHAPTER 20
I did in fact buy the boy-ogre a skateboard, which thrilled him, as well as a pair of “sneakers” to protect his soft, clawless feet. For some bizarre reason, they lit up with every step he took, the exact opposite of what sneaking is supposed to be.
These purchases were not made for his sake, but for my own. Occupied as he was with these new items, he left me alone to work on repurposing the VQ so that it would function seamlessly with the Zom-Beam.
The original Zom-Beam was intended to make Humans my servants via mind-controlling psylo-waves. But the Human brain, limited as it was in all areas of perception, simply malfunctioned when put under feline influence, as several unfortunate experiments with the father-ogre had proven. The simple command to fetch me a bowl of milk, for instance, resulted in him removing all his clothing (except, thankfully, for his small white undergarments) and squawking like a chicken.
The ogres having disappointed me as usual, I thus turned my attention to controlling a superior species: squirrels.
In my warlording days, I had often used these chittering rodents as mercenaries. I knew they reacted positively to psylo-waves, as this was how I had communicated with them in battle. Their reconnaissance skills were unsurpassed, and their supreme commander, Colonel Akornius Maximus, was quite possibly the fiercest—and most adorable—warrior I had ever known.
But I had run afoul of Akorn over a payment dispute. (How was I to know the difference between Gorgonian and Parnassian chestnuts?) In retaliation, the squirrel commander had had the nerve to try to assassinate me. Upon his fifth failed attempt, I forbid him and his troops from coming within a million light-years of Lyttyrboks, an act which he swore to one day avenge.
But enough about that fluff-tailed fool! I needed to attend to the task at paw. Namely, how to modify the VQ software so that it would allow me to mind-control an army of squirrels with maximum precision.
I called my minion and explained what I had learned from my experience playing the Human video game.
“Thanks to the VQ’s motion sensors, every move of my body was mirrored in the battle simulator,” I told him. Using a similar interface, I would be able to control a Zom-Beamed squirrel in the exact same manner. “But how will I control more than one squirrel?”
“Well, I can program a multi-squirrel mode,” Flooffee said. “And instead of using the motion sensors, you can give verbal commands, like for the Zom-Beam.”
He promised that the software upgrade would be ready within two moonrises. I could hardly wait. I had seen what space squirrels could do; it would soon be time to test the skills of those who lived on Earth.
CHAPTER 21
“Wow, that leaf-raking business is really going gangbusters for you, son!” Dad said as he got out of the Prius. “Look at that sweet new skateboard and those awesome new LED sneakers! Are you the coolest kid in Elba or what?”
“Uh, yeah, Dad,” I said, kicking the board up into my hands. “The coolest.”
“And is that a new smartwatch?” Dad asked once we got into the house. “Pretty soon I’m going to be asking to borrow money from you.”
At a certain point, Dad was going to figure out something was wrong with this picture.
The doorbell rang, and Dad went to answer it. He came back carrying a stack of pizza boxes.
“Raj, did you order three pizzas?”
I had not. But I couldn’t very well say that it must have been the cat.
“Um, yeah,” I said. “One’s for you.”
Dad was about to ask me more questions, but the smell of pizza overwhelmed him. He took a box into the living room while I carried the other two down into the basement. I couldn’t wait to play the VQ! Today I was going to try Deep Space Explorer.
Unfortunately, Klawde was using the system.
“Hey, can I have a turn?” I said, taking a bite of pizza.
He ignored me.
“Klawde,” I said. “Can I use the headset?”
Still nothing.
I ditched my half-eaten piece and grabbed a new slice. Why get anywhere near the crust if you didn’t have to?
“Seriously, please?” I said.
Klawde grunted.
I sat down next to him. “What’s that game you’re playing, Klawde?” He didn’t have the VQ plugged into the monitor, so I couldn’t tell.
“Game?” he spat. “This is no game, ogre! This is . . . er, yes, I mean, of course it’s a game. It is just so real it seems like it is not a game.”
Klawde finally took off the VQ and stuck his head in the last box of pizza. He ate all the cheese off the top of the pie and then curled up on Dad’s old La-Z-Boy to take a nap.
My turn!
I made it as far as the Kuiper belt in Deep Space Explorer before I decided to play something else. All that ducking of asteroids had made me feel a little nauseous. I cycled through games until I found one called Pleasant Valley Junior High. It was a middle school simulator, except that all the other students were icky lizard and squid creatures. It was awesome!
I’d just gotten put into detention for hitting my science teacher in his head tentacles with a paper airplane when Cedar called.
“Are you coming or what, Raj?” she said. “We’re here on Elbow Drive. The Three Gardeneers have a lawn to rake.”
Shoot—I’d totally forgotten! But this eight-legged, pink-and-blue-spotted eighth-grader was passing me notes and the detention monitor totally wasn’t seeing us. “A lawn to rake?” I repeated. “I’m, uh—sniff sniff—feeling pretty lousy. These allergies. My mom said I should take it easy and not do any outside stuff for a couple of days.”
“Geez, Raj, I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad,” Cedar said. “But don’t worry! We’ll still give you your full share.”
Suddenly I felt like a really horrible person.
“Oh, that’s not fair,” I said. “You guys should keep the money.”
“No way. I’m not getting my telescope until you get your VQ,” Cedar said. “We’re all in this together.”
“Just like the Thre
e Musketeers!” I heard Steve yell.
I was almost about to turn off the VQ and go help them. I was feeling kind of sick, though. It probably had more to do with the six slices of pizza I’d eaten than allergies, but still. The thing was, I really wanted to go to the Pleasant Valley football game after school. I’d gotten picked to be on the cheerleading squad! I’d play a tiny bit more—just until my stomach settled—and then I’d go help them.
I put the helmet back on.
Whoa! The gym teacher who was running detention just molted his skin. This was so cool!!
CHAPTER 22
The boy-ogre had attended his virtual school so late into the night that he now risked missing his actual school. Honestly, who could comprehend what motivated these foolish beasts?
As a favor, I bit his toes in order to rouse him. Not that I minded; a warrior’s jaws must remain strong.
The moment the ogres had vacated the fortress, I put on the VQ and selected Really Hard Math—the fake game I had created to mask the Zom-Beam program. (The title ensured the boy-ogre would never touch it.) Flooffee’s new interface for the controls immediately popped up, and I was ready for my first trial run of the device.
From the comfort of my litter box command center, I launched the drone, which now had the Zom-Beam attached to its underside. The drone exited the window of the bunker with a buzz and soared high into the sky. Ah, the joy! It was like I myself was flying, just as I had above the scorched battlefields of my youth.
I scoured the neighborhood, looking for my first pawn, and there she was: a sturdy she-squirrel, seated upon a branch, a nut in her nimble claws.
“ZOM-BEAM: STRIKE!” I commanded.
From beneath the drone came a whisker-thin laser. It struck the squirrel, bombarding her with psylo-waves. The controller automatically switched to single-squirrel mode, and I was able to direct the animal’s every move as if her arms and legs were my own.
This was a most excellent first step. But I needed to test the squirrel in battle.
As if on cue, Wuffles, the neighbors’ idiot dog, exited its fortress. The canine saw me—I mean, my zombie—and immediately raced toward us.
Oh, this will be delicious!
The canine leaped and clawed at the base of the tree, barking madly. I hurled the nut at the dog, striking the beast on its hideous snout. Wuffles looked momentarily confused, then started barking all the more.
“SURVEILLANCE MODE!” I commanded, toggling back to the drone’s-eye view. I scanned the area again and selected two more specimens, which I struck simultaneously with blue-lasered Zom-Beams. Now all three rodents were locked into multi-squirrel mode.
“SQUIRRELS: SURROUND TARGET!” I ordered.
My trio now worked as a team. The two newer pawns snuck up on the dog from behind, while the original descended the tree. The mutt, suddenly realizing it was caught in a trap, tucked its tail between its legs and raced for the shelter of its fortress.
You are fast, Wuffles, but my squirrel zombies are faster!
The canine began to desperately scratch at the portal until the mother-ogre of his fortress opened it and the dog shot between her legs.
“SQUIRRELS: SCATTER!” I commanded.
The mother-ogre scanned her surroundings and then looked straight up into the camera of the hovering drone. Her eyes narrowed. It was almost as if she knew she was being watched.
Was it possible? Had I finally found a Human who was not a complete and utter simpleton?
It was highly doubtful.
CHAPTER 23
On the way to school, Cedar asked me if I was feeling okay. “Because—don’t take this the wrong way, Raj—you look awful.”
I wondered if there was a right way to take that.
“Yeah, totally terrible,” Steve agreed. “No offense.”
“It must be these stupid allergies,” I said, faking a sniffle.
Actually, I only wished it were hay fever. Instead of going to help them do lawn work yesterday, I’d played Pleasant Valley Junior High until four in the morning and eaten all the pizza crusts I’d left in the box earlier. And I hadn’t even touched my homework.
“Poor Raj,” Steve said, slinging his huge arm over my shoulder and giving me a half-hug. “Cheer up! You know what the motto of the Three Gardeneers is?”
“We rake with a smile,” Cedar said. “Which was also your dumb idea.”
“Oh, right—that’s a good one!” Steve said. “But I meant the Three Musketeers. Their motto is All for one and one for all! Meaning I’ll work twice as hard for you after school today, Raj.”
That made me feel even worse.
“Maybe we should all take a day off,” I said.
“No way,” Cedar said. “We’ve only made $263 each so far, which means I’m still almost $700 away from getting my Astro 9000. And I know how bad you want that VQ.”
I just nodded. My head felt sooo heavy.
“If we keep working hard, we’ll be able to buy what we want. And earning our stuff will make it that much more satisfying to have,” Cedar said. “Right, Raj?”
Well, that was what my mom thought. But my cat had made tens of thousands of dollars without even lifting a finger—or paw, I mean. And, anyway, I already had what I wanted. Did the fact that the VQ just appeared on my porch make Pleasant Valley Junior High any less fun to play? Not really.
“Uh, right,” I said, and shrugged.
“Anyway, see you both after school at the Garcias’,” Cedar said, heading down the hall to her homeroom. “I mean, assuming you’re feeling okay, Raj.”
“Yeah,” I said, and pretended to wipe my nose.
I was trying to take a quick nap at my desk when I heard Miss Emmy Jo say something about KitKoin. I sat up. Her smiling face filled the entire smartboard screen.
“I mean, can y’all believe this newfangled money?” she said. “My husband, Fred, bought me one just because I love kitties. And wouldn’t y’all know it, it’s already worth twice as much! So I bought myself this cool new sweatshirt. See? It’s a glitter kitty!”
All at once, everyone in homeroom started talking.
“My cousin owns like a hundred KitKoins,” the kid next to me said. “And he says he totally knows the dude who started it—Mr. X.”
“No way!” said the girl on the other side of me. “I heard Mr. X is this genius good-guy hacker. He’s like a cyber superhero, and no one knows his secret identity.”
Wow, KitKoin was a total phenomenon. And its value had doubled? Did that mean Klawde was even richer?
Maybe he could buy another VQ Ultra so we didn’t have to share. Now that sounded satisfying, I thought, and I put my head back down on the desk.
CHAPTER 24
After an invigorating Strategy Nap, I conducted more tests on my Earth squirrel pawns. First, I investigated how many squirrels I could control simultaneously; the answer appeared to be nine. Then it was time to check their audio-visual capabilities. Through a series of pop-up windows in the VQ headset, I was able to see through the eyes of all of my zombies at once. Finally, I tested my access to their ears.
“SOUND ON 8!” I ordered, selecting a squirrel climbing up a tree.
Immediately, I heard what squirrel 8 was hearing—the sound of the wind ruffling his fur, of his claws scratching against the wood as he climbed, and of the Humans walking below him.
“. . . and then I was like, no, that is totally stupid, and he was like, no it’s totally not stupid . . .”
“SOUND OFF 8!”
It was now confirmed. Like their cousins on other planets, these Earth squirrels would make perfect spies. As soldiers, however, they would be slightly less effective, as they were neither exceptionally strong nor correctly sized for using ogre weaponry.
Granted, a single squirrel could blind a Human, and groups of them could sow widespread panic, but it
was doubtful that I would be able to conquer the planet—let alone rule it long-term—by such tactics alone.
Fortunately I had learned that in one area, Human backwardness could be turned to my advantage. As opposed to more advanced planets that used localized, renewable sources of power, such as stellar radiation and the vibration of subatomic particles, the ogres burned things. The electricity resulting from this barbaric burning of carbon-based matter was distributed across the planet using a jumbled system of wires strung up along the branchless trees known as “utility poles.”
I knew that Earth squirrels naturally gnawed on these wires, occasionally causing local power failures. But by coordinating their efforts worldwide, I could interrupt the entire electrical grid—an act of sabotage that would swiftly paralyze this pitiful planet! Add in my soon-to-be complete control of the Humans’ money supply, and it was as if Earth were already mine.
Purr.
But I would need far more than nine squirrels to put this plan into action. To conquer Earth, I would need a Zom-Beam that could broadcast psylo-waves across the entire surface of the planet.
OGRE ALERT! ON 6! OGRE ALERT!
I had posted a lookout squirrel to warn me of the return of my Human, whom I could now see walking home.
As I needed time to consult with Flooffee in the bunker, I would leave the VQ headset on the boy-ogre’s sleeping platform—he never could resist escaping his reality.
But first, I would allow myself a little bit of fun.
CHAPTER 25
Talk about weird. I was almost home when a squirrel darted out in front of me and sat down in the middle of the sidewalk, blocking my way. I almost expected it to start talking—I mean, animals did keep doing that lately—but it just stared at me.
“You’ve got to get out of the way, little fella,” I said. But then another squirrel appeared, right by my shoe.
Target: Earth Page 4