Suddenly, both of them shot away, racing up a tree. I shook my head and started home again, but I stumbled and almost fell. What the—? Had those squirrels just managed to untie my shoelaces?
I looked up and saw they were still staring at me. It was creepy!
This was just one more reason that I wished this day was over. I’d fallen asleep in the back row of sixth-grade math class and not woken up until eighth-grade algebra. I’d missed lunch in the meantime, and I couldn’t even find the tiny bit of homework I had done.
Things didn’t get any better when I got home.
It was a Wednesday, which was Mom’s one afternoon off. That meant she wanted to spend time with me, so I got the usual barrage of how-was-your-day questions.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“How can you not know?”
Next came the what-do-you-want-to-do-this-afternoon questions. “Go to the science museum? Go for a hike? Play chess?”
I mumbled that I was supposed to go help Cedar and Steve, even though that was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. Well, except for everything my mom had suggested.
“Oh, Raj!” Mom called up the stairs after me. “Don’t make any plans tomorrow. We’re having dinner guests.”
Dinner guests? My parents never had anyone over.
“Who did you invite?” I called back down.
“I invited Annie, the woman from across the street, and her adorable daughter. Lindy, is it? Annie has been so nice hiring you and your friends that I thought we should thank them with dinner,” Mom said. “Besides, with her father and brother both away, poor Lindy must be lonely!”
All I could do was sigh.
I got changed and was ready to go meet Cedar and Steve, but I thought I’d better just check on Jurassic Zoo. It was this supercool game with brontosauruses and other sauropods where you had to feed and water them at least once a day and check the fences to make sure no raptors could get in.
Luckily, Klawde had left the VQ on my bed, so I didn’t have to fight him for it. I adjusted the headset, which was already turned on.
But what was this game? It looked just like my neighborhood. There were trees and birds and cars and stuff, but I couldn’t see anything weird or fun to do. I started clicking around, and I noticed that I seemed to be controlling a squirrel. But I couldn’t figure out how to make it fly or shoot lasers out of its eyes or anything.
It was a seriously boring game. But it was really realistic.
And . . . was that our house?
I took off the headset and looked out the window. The squirrel—the one in the game—was on our sidewalk.
“KLAWDE!”
CHAPTER 26
“Heeyyyy, Supreme Master! I am so glad you called,” Flooffee said. “I really want to ask you something.”
“Minion, I did not call to hear you speak, I called to hear me speak.”
I began with a full report on my Zom-Beam tests.
“It is all working even better than I had hoped,” I informed him. “Colonel Akorn’s mercenary squirrels may have worked for Gorgonian chestnuts, but these zombified Earth squirrels work for nothing at all! Akorn would eat his own tail if he saw what I was doing to them.”
“He’d be sore at you for sure, O Masterful One.” Flooffee smiled. “He always was cute when he got mad.”
“So true. But, Flooffee, we must consider what our next step will be,” I said. “Namely, how will we blanket the Earth in Zom-Beam rays?”
“We could launch thousands of drones,” my minion offered.
“Well, of course we could, if these Humans had created any that worked better than wounded, geriatric birds. The one that I possess is so clumsy and of such short range it barely allows me to do anything at all!”
“How about a satellite?” Flooffee asked. “They must have pawheld rocket launchers, right?”
I sighed. “Not even close. However, your suggestion does give me an idea.”
Despite their technological shortcomings, Humans had managed to launch numerous satellites into orbit. These large, primitive devices streamed data down to Earth’s surface using high-frequency waves. With modifications to their onboard software, these satellites could be made to broadcast psylo-waves——in other words, each one could become a giant orbiting Zom-Beam. The planet would be at my clawtips!
“Perhaps even in time for the greatest holiday in the universe,” I declared.
Flooffee’s ears pricked up. “Speaking of the Universal Day of the Most Supreme Leader, I wanted to ask you a little more about that—”
“Klawde!” the boy-ogre bellowed from above. Probably he wanted to show me something “way cool” in one of his tedious simulations.
Meanwhile, my lackey continued to babble on, but I had not heard a word.
When scheming global conquest, it is difficult to ignore two fools at once.
While the boy-ogre continued to call me, I cut off Flooffee. “Spare me your questions and start developing software that will work on Earth satellites. I will buy as many of them as is necessary to broadcast my Zom-Beams across this miserable planet.”
“And you have enough of those dollar-thingies to buy all that?”
I scoffed. “Of course! I have as much money as I could ever need. For not only did I create KitKoin, I kept practically all of it for myself!”
I heard an unpleasant sucking of air behind me.
It was the boy-ogre. I feared he might have heard something he shouldn’t have.
CHAPTER 27
I couldn’t believe it.
I’d come down to the basement to ask Klawde if he’d been messing with the neighborhood squirrels, but I instead found out he’d created KitKoin.
It all made sense now! How could I not have realized? KitKoin? An anonymous founder who was a genius? Who might be a hostile entity?
Of course it was my cat!
Klawde didn’t own just twenty KitKoins—he owned the whole freaking company!
I must have gasped, because Klawde whirled around and glared at me. “How many times have I told you to knock, ogre?”
I had to sit down. “I can’t believe it. You created KitKoin?”
“Yes,” Klawde said.
“But . . . how . . .”
“It was kitten’s play, really.”
“Are you, like—” I paused before I could say the word. “A millionaire?”
“Don’t be absurd. Of course not,” Klawde said, swishing his tail. “I am what you earthlings call a billionaire.”
“My cat . . . is . . . a billionaire?” I said. “THAT IS THE COOLEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE!”
“It is, isn’t it?” Klawde said with a purr.
Then he scratched me. Hard.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“One, to punish the use of the phrase ‘my cat.’ Two, because I felt like it.” He inspected his claws thoughtfully. “These do need sharpening.”
I was really having trouble taking all this in. My cat—an evil alien entrepreneur! How had he done it? What did it mean? And, most importantly, what could we do with a billion dollars?
The possibilities were insane! I could buy a whole new house and fill it up with everything I’d ever wanted! I could download every movie ever made! And put in a hot tub! We definitely needed a hot tub.
“We’re so rich!” I yelled, bouncing up and down.
“No, I am rich,” Klawde said. “You are still the same destitute beggar you were when you woke up this morning.”
“Oh come on!” I said. “You used my computer, so you have to give me some money!”
“As if that piece of junk could create a cybercurrency!” he said. “While the idea was mine, the necessary computation and programming was performed by my minion on Lyttyrboks.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine. If you won�
�t give me any, at least let me help you spend the money. What should we buy? A castle? An island? Oh wait—I know!” I said, standing up. “An ISLAND CASTLE. And a helicopter to get us there!”
Klawde flattened his ears back.
“Silence, ogre!” he said. “You are giving me a headache.”
But I couldn’t help myself. “Let’s go to Europe! Or Alaska—I’ve always wanted to go to Alaska. And we can’t be selfish! Let’s buy Cedar her telescope, and let’s get Steve whatever it is he—”
Suddenly I remembered where I was supposed to be. With them. Raking.
I knew I should go. But I had to help Klawde spend the money, right? I mean, he was a spacecat. He didn’t know what to buy.
I got out my phone and texted Cedar and Steve.
Sorry!!! I have to do homework. I’ll be there for the next job, I promise!
CHAPTER 28
I had been hiding my extreme wealth from the boy-ogre, knowing he would bombard me with requests for extravagantly pointless Human trinkets, such as sparkling rocks called “diamonds” and large luxury motorboats. (As if any sensible creature would choose to travel on water.)
These Humans, they were so addicted to consumption. To shopping. To their possessions. Did they not realize that the most important things in life are those you cannot touch or possess, let alone buy?
Like power. And domination. And humiliating your enemies!
But there was another reason I had been loath to tell him, and it had to do with his most unappealing trait: fear.
I knew that once the initial thrill of riches passed, nervousness and panic would seize him. And so they did.
“Wait a minute, Klawde,” he said. “Is this all . . . legal?”
“Of course it is.” I straightened my whiskers. “Yes, definitely legal.”
His contorted face told me he was not entirely convinced.
“All that stuff you ordered,” he said, “it had my name on it. What if somehow people think I stole it? I mean, you may have started the cybercurrency, but I don’t have any KitKoins. And what about your secret identity? You’re Mr. X. What if they can trace you to our house?”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Raj,” I said in my most soothing voice. “I have thought of all such things. My existence is untraceable by Human means. Now, what was that you said about a helicopter? I believe there is a nice simulator on the VQ. Why don’t you try it? To see if you want me to buy you a real one.”
“Well, I do need to mop the floors at Starista,” he said. “And I have an extra-credit assignment in Pleasant Valley Junior High that could get my grades back up.”
“That’s a good Human!” I said. “Run along, now. Run along . . .”
CHAPTER 29
“What? I can’t hear you!” I hollered, taking off the VQ headset.
“Raj, our guests are here!” Mom called up the stairs.
Guests? Oh, right—Lindy and her mom were coming for dinner. And just when I was about to ask that mermaid from chess club to the school dance!
They were already sitting in the dining room, and Dad was bragging about how well my lawn care business was going.
“You should see all the things he’s been buying!”
“Shhhh, Dad!” I said.
If he kept going on about all the money I seemed to have lately, Annie would think she was overpaying the Three Gardeneers. And worse, I might have to start working again. Because eventually someone would notice there was no way I could afford everything Klawde had bought me.
“But I am so proud of you, son!”
“It’s wonderful!” Annie said, smiling her bright smile at me. “I figured you must be very busy with work and school and that’s why you haven’t cleaned the gutters yet. You didn’t forget, did you?”
I was about to give her a lame excuse when Dad rescued me by telling a dentist story. Unfortunately, he kept telling dentist stories right up until we sat down at the dinner table.
“I tell you,” he said, shaking his head, “you sure can learn a lot about a person by looking into their mouth.”
“You can learn a lot about a person by looking at their computer, too!” Annie said. And then she winked at me.
I got embarrassed, remembering all of Klawde’s weird searches. Then I thought, I sure hope there isn’t anything in there that has to do with KitKoin.
“Did I hear that you work in computers?” my mom asked Annie.
“Well, yes,” she said. She suddenly seemed a little shy.
“Where do you work?” Mom asked.
Annie took a long time to finish chewing her bite of spinach lasagna. “Well . . .”
“My mom works for the FBI,” Lindy said proudly.
The FBI? I almost choked. I thought she worked at the Apple Store or something!
“I don’t really like to say it because people can act sort of weird after I do.”
“DON’T ARREST ME!” Dad said, putting his hands up and laughing dorkily.
Mom ignored him. “That’s so fascinating,” she said. “What’s your area of expertise?”
“Cybercrimes, mostly.”
I suddenly felt very hot. I noticed that Klawde had come down from my room and was sitting on the stairs, his eyes fixed on Lindy’s mom.
“Wow,” Dad said. “What kind of cybercrimes?”
“I deal a lot with high-level fraud and financial theft,” Annie said. “But what I’m personally most interested in is cybercurrency.”
Now I felt the extreme urge to leave. I caught Klawde’s eyes. He mouthed the words: Be cool, ogre!
“Speaking of cybercurrency, I got a KitKoin!” Dad said. “I tell you, if I had bought a few more, I could quit being a dentist.”
“Well, don’t count on it too much,” Annie said. “Every cybercurrency that’s gone up in value has come crashing back down. Although, I will say, this new KitKoin is unique.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked nervously.
“Well, the technology behind it is extraordinary, for one thing,” she said. “Its encryption is like nothing we’ve ever seen. It’s almost as if it uses alien technology. Whoever created KitKoin—the one they call Mr. X—must be some kind of genius.”
Klawde descended the stairs to give her a leg twirl.
“Wow, he never does that to me!” Dad said. “He really likes you.”
“But this genius,” I said. “He’s not breaking any laws, is he?”
“Well . . . ,” Annie said, tilting her head to one side. “The technology is so new, it’s hard to say what’s legal and what’s not. At the Cyber Division, we have to keep track of alternate currencies, because sometimes they are used to fund criminal activities—or worse. If we find out that Mr. X is doing anything fiendish, well . . .” She paused to take a sip of water. “Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes when we catch him.”
At this, Klawde fled down to the basement. I wished I could flee. Like, out of the country.
“But I should stop boring you guys with all this cyber stuff!” Annie said, taking a slice of garlic bread. “By the way, has anyone else noticed the neighborhood squirrels acting strange lately?”
CHAPTER 30
As usual, the ogres proved themselves to be the most misguided species in the universe, even at a dinner gathering. When it is time to eat, normal creatures put other concerns aside and do precisely that: They eat. Humans, on the other hand, talk, all but ignoring the food.
This conversation—as always—was mind-numbingly boring. Until, that is, a most fascinating topic came up.
Myself.
The neighboring mother-ogre revealed herself to be the officer of some kind of governmental agency that patrolled cyberspace. Perhaps this was why she’d recognized that my drone was surveilling her. More importantly, however, she recognized the immense genius of KitKoin an
d its creator.
It was now confirmed. This mother-ogre was the most intelligent Human alive.
Less welcome was the news that her agency was keeping a keen eye on KitKoin. I quickly went down to the bunker to take a Processing Nap. Unfortunately, the boy-ogre soon disturbed me.
“Did you hear what Lindy’s mother does for a living, Klawde?” he asked in his most hysterical voice. “She investigates cybercrimes. For the FBI!”
“And what does that stand for?” I replied. “Furless Brainless Idiots?”
Humor, as usual, escaped him.
“The FBI are the people who put criminals in jail, Klawde!” he said. “And you put my name on all that stuff you bought with KitKoin. If the FBI figures out that the person spending all those KitKoins is also the genius behind it, they’re going to think that I am the genius!”
“Oh no,” I said. “No one will ever think that.”
“And what are you doing with the squirrels?” he went on. “Annie was talking about them, too!”
“Squirrels? What squirrels?” I said. “You are beginning to sound a tad paranoid, Raj.”
“I just don’t want us to get into trouble.” He looked down glumly. “I’m starting to think we should tell Annie everything.”
“Do you mean confess?” I said. “A true warrior would never do such a thing!”
I could see, however, that he was seriously considering this action. So I decided to take a different tack.
“Look, Raj,” I said as gently as I could. “I have done everything entirely according to your Earth laws. I have played by Human rules, and I am succeeding so massively for one simple reason. You are all stupid.”
“So you really haven’t done anything illegal?” he said.
“No, I have not.”
Not yet, anyway.
Because—despite not having read the entire criminal code of all the various warlords of Earth—I did have to assume that using satellites to activate an army of zombie squirrels to take over the planet and establish myself as its eternal dictator must break a rule or two.
Target: Earth Page 5