Silent Secrets

by Nikki Bolvair

  I sighed, realizing that only three pieces remained. There were two cut pieces and the heal. Taking out two of them, I popped them into the toaster and waited for them to brown. Life wasn’t too bad. I could live with buttered toast. After all, there were people in worse situations than me, I reasoned.

  My parents would have to make another trip to the store for food, or at least one of them would. It would most likely be my dad. If he went, he’d come back with more than just food. He'd walk in the door with hard liquor that would cause any man with a high tolerance for alcohol to be three sheets to the wind by the second drink. Those bottles were large clear glass ones with a red screw tab top. The liquid inside was clear as water, but I knew better.

  When my toast popped up, I sat at the table and munched until I heard the first stirrings of life shuffling from down the hall.

  I saw him in his white, wife-beater shirt and red, gingham, pajama pants before he spoke. He was rubbing his head, his hair plastered to one side, his face scruffed up with a three-day beard. His eyes were bleary as he noticed me and he stopped between the entrance to the kitchen and living room.

  I was unsure what to expect from him that morning. Anger, weariness, or cool, cold indifference.

  He shuffled past me, swearing when he noticed that only one piece of bread remained. The heal.

  “Did you take the other two pieces, Faith?” he gruffed as he took the single remaining piece of bread and tossed it into the toaster before he turned around, leaning his back against the counter.

  “Maybe?” I murmured, not wanting to anger him. He folded his arms and glared my way. I guess it was anger today. Oh what I wouldn’t have done for indifference instead?

  “Sorry, Dad,” I told him. I bowed my head as I picked up my last piece of toast, feeling guilty. At least my stomach had stopped complaining with my first few bites. Tears prickled my eyes as I heard him sigh. “It’s all right, Faith. I need to go shopping anyway,” he stated, sounding annoyed.

  All I felt was relief. He never hit me. He never hit mom. But I often wondered if it was only a matter of time before that happened.

  I looked beyond my dad’s shoulder toward the hole in the kitchen wall that hadn’t been there a week ago. He did it while he yelled at my mom.

  Our house was becoming littered with holes and broken things. Like a ghost of a former, happier family.

  “You’re going to the store?”

  I tensed as I heard my mom from behind me. When had she come in? My dad’s gaze slanted in her direction as tension radiated from him. Anger and pain; that’s all he had for her, and I didn’t understand why he blamed her and not himself.

  “Yeah,” my dad bit out, grabbing his toast and shoving it into his face before stalking out of the room.

  My mom lifted a shaky hand up to her head, combing her fingers through her hair before glancing toward me. She gave me a weary smile. “It will be okay, Baby Girl. You’ll see,” she recited positively, trying to believe her own words. She came over and gave me a side hug. Her breath still smelled of the booze she’d had last night, and I couldn’t help but wonder, what was her definition of ‘okay?’

  It was like my brain fast forwarded through that day until it was that night. The nightmare took over as everything played in slow-motion.

  Me, running out of my room. My dad. My mom. Then as he took his anger out on me. The pain that seized my heart as the fists kept coming and then when everything stopped.

  My mind froze as his fist once again flew and my broken body curled into a ball down on the ground. I hurt everywhere, and my heart slowed. I cracked open my eyes when the latch of the front door opened and I heard a roar. Then a gloved hand reached for me along with a soothing voice urging me to stay with them.

  I desperately wanted to see who it was, but my vision had gone black, even though I could still hear their voice.

  The pain was excruciating, and then, it wasn’t. I had gone numb as my last breath released. It felt like moments ticked by before someone, another presence, was with me as forced air was expelled into the barren cavern of my lungs. Someone hit me in my chest and it sent a shockwave that began restarting what had been taken away from me: my life. I gasped for breath, my body jerked and the pricking pain came back, leaving me craving the numbness I had felt before. I didn’t want to come back, but whoever was with me persisted relentlessly.

  Thud...Thud...Thud. I could hear it. My heart beat in my ears, throughout my body, as if the blood flowing sang to the beat of its own drum.

  “That’s it, sweetheart. Come back to me... She’s just a kid...” Then, nothing.

  Even though I knew I was sitting at the table with Aunt Marlene and the guys, my mind processed this event as if I was actually there.

  I shot up out of my chair and raced out of the house, not sure where I was going. I just ran. I could hear them calling out to me, but I didn’t want their comfort. Not if it was like the way my mom had calmed me that day. Told me things would get better but I knew better. After that horrid day, I knew things didn’t really get better.

  My heart was breaking even though I had more pieces to the puzzle. But still it wasn’t enough. Not really. Why this? Why now? I had been at many tables for breakfast, and none had ever triggered such a memory before.

  I’d had toast. I’d had pancakes. What was it about Aunt Marlene’s kitchen that made me go back to that night? Or maybe was it the day and what it represented that triggers the memory. My emotional duffel for the day was overfilled.

  My bare feet pounded down against the hard dirt road of the McGuire's driveway, anchoring me to the present, leading me to the dirt strip that led out to the main road with its blacktop surface. I followed it. My legs burned with the strain of muscles not used to this kind of torture as I dodged small rocks in the ground before the pads of my feet hit blacktop.

  My body throbbed almost as much as it had that night but this time with adrenaline and the exertion of my impromptu run. I wasn’t sure how long I ran before exhaustion caught up with me, but once again I realized that I still detested running. My burning hatred for my parents and triggers—they sucked. I was a mess.

  Easing into a walk, I heard the sound of a truck pulling up behind me and doors opening just before I crumpled to my knees, sobbing as my heart broke once again.

  It never registered that one of them had gathered me up and put me into the truck, but I was tucked into Lincoln’s side before I knew it. I was devastated. My spirit was broken. Having no idea where we were going, I crawled up onto Lincoln’s lap, and I didn’t care. The four of us were squished together on the bench seat. Leaning into Lincoln, I continued to weep until my tears dried themselves out. Only then did I fall asleep, lost in my grief. I wanted to forget.

  I woke up just in time to find the truck turning down our home street. Tyler parked in my driveway. Without words, Lincoln carried me to my front door as Tyler dug into his pocket and produced my keys to the house. I wondered how he got them. The house was silent as we walked inside and headed upstairs to my room. No one was home.

  I was glad to be there because it anchored me to present time. Lincoln set me down on my bed as Kayden rifled through my drawers, pulling out a pair of my comfy, gray pants as well as underwear and a purple top. All three of them worked silently around me as I just sat there with my tear stained face. Tyler headed out of the room, and I heard water from the shower start in the bathroom down the hall. Grimacing, I took notice of my legs and feet caked with mud and sand. I probably did need another shower.

  Lincoln stayed with me, rubbing my arms and kissing my forehead as he quietly murmured comforting mindless words. After a moment, Tyler came back into the room, I was sure he was there to get me, but my mind seemed to be detached from my body. I was numb.

  This is crazy! I yelled at myself, trying to get my brain to get it together, but it was like my body wasn’t working.

  Tyler guided me into the bathroom and promptly stripped me down, and then he did the sam
e to himself, except for his boxers. In the shower, he cleaned me carefully, soothing me with soft words. How did he know? How did he know that I needed this? I just stood there with my arms down at my side, letting him wash the dirt matted grim from my feet as water cascaded downward into the basin. The lingering scent of the peppermint I had used earlier on my hair filled the enclosed space, and the tears started to fall again. It was as if the scent woke my body up from my zombie state and caused me to finally curl my arms around Tyler's waist and lean my head against his chest. Relief was instant as his strong arms circled my shaking body.

  “It wasn’t me,” I told him brokenly. “I didn’t kill my father.”

  “We already knew that, Baby. Remember? That’s why the police came out to see you.” I could hear the worry in his voice.

  “I know, but I never... it was the glove and the neighbor, but now this flashback. I heard them, Tyler. I remembered a little bit more.” I edged back, studying his chest as droplets of water fell down on his tan skin.

  “What you mean, Baby?” Tyler asked quietly.

  “The person who killed my father... they called for help for me. I heard it, Tyler. It wasn’t me, and whoever it was, they were there to help.”

  “You say ‘they.’ Was there more than one person?” Tyler questioned.

  I shook my head, “No.. I don’t know.” My brows dipped as I tried to think back to what my memories revealed to me. “I think I use ‘they’ because I’m not sure if it was a guy or girl. I heard the voice, but it was no...” I thought back trying to figure things out, but the details were now hazy. “I don’t know, Tyler.”

  Tyler rubbed his hands slowly up and down my back. “It’s ok. Give it time. Let’s just clean you up first, and we’ll come back to it.”

  I nodded, still looking at his chest, but one of his hands left my back to curl around my front as he tucked a finger underneath my chin to lift my head. My gaze met his. Tyler’s once happy, deep blue eyes were troubled. “This is what we’re gonna do. We’re going to get you dressed, head over to the archives and give you one hour there,” he said stated when he realized I was going to protest. “No more than an hour, Faith,” he said firmly, his voice sounding set in stone. “And then the four of us are going to lunch and after that. We’ll see how you are doing before Lincoln drops you off with my sister. There you can relax in the new hot tub, get drunk with the girls or whatever you girls do. But when the night comes, we’ll come back and will stay with you, okay?”

  I had averted my eyes away from his as he talked, looking at the wall past his shoulder but I nodded in understanding. A small nudge of his fingers on my chin had my eyes turning back to his. “I need your words.” Giving him an encouraging smile, I gave him an agreement.

  Chapter 7

  We did as Tyler said and went to search the archives but didn’t find anything that I hadn’t already known or that wasn’t exaggerated or wrong. I left there feeling deflated.

  Next on Tyler’s list for the day was lunch. But instead of going to the diner as I thought we would, Kayden drove us toward the area around the restaurant where we had gone for our failed date. I expected us to turn into the parking lot of the restaurant, so I was surprised when we passed it and instead went even further until we pulled up to another restaurant.

  It was colored a light teal with a cherry wood lattice overhang with vines woven through, giving the outside a romantic feel. The restaurant’s name was painted on the side of the building in a large copper swirl that could only be Spanish. As the four of us entered the restaurant, the tantalizing spicy scent of Mexican food hit me, causing my mouth to water and my stomach to rumble. Mmm, if it tasted as good at it smelled, I knew I could eat anything they served.

  Lincoln held my hand and his thumb rubbed against the inside of my wrist, trying to calm my nerves and frustration from the morning’s events. We were guided to a table for four. Lincoln urged me to sit in the first chair then sat in the one beside it. Tyler sat across from me, and Kayden took up residence next to him.

  “You can have anything,” Kayden stated plainly as I glanced over one of the menus that the waiter had left for us. Looking at the options, a small smile played at my lips as I felt some of my ‘normalness’ easing back into me. I peered up at him with a brow raised and questioned, “Anything?”

  Kayden’s large frame, which had been tensed all morning, finally relaxed. “Yes, anything, Sweetcheeks,” he replied seductively. My heart warmed as well as my cheeks. I shook my head, trying to distract myself from that blatant innuendo.

  Lincoln’s hand took my right one from underneath the table and brought it up to his lips, kissing the inside of my palm. “All you have to do is ask,” he whispered as crystal blue eyes bore into mine with a deeper meaning than Kayden teasing words.

  Below the table, I felt a foot nudge mine and glanced over to Kayden once again, giving him a smile in return before glancing back over to Tyler, who was nodding in agreement with his brothers. “We’re here, Baby. And we’re not going anywhere.”

  Tyler drew the menu out of my left hand and laid it down on the table before he captured the now empty hand. Captured it? I mused. I was definitely caught with Linc holding one hand, Tyler the other. Then Kayden said, “We'll always be here for you.”

  My heart warmed at the words as tears stung at my eyes, but this time they were happy ones. I tried to blink them back, warding them away as my cheeks bunched up into a grin. “I’ll have a large iced tea with the chimichanga and a side of what you’re offering.”

  Kayden chuckled and shifted in his seat. I felt the pressure of his shoe settling on top of mine, giving me the contact I craved from him. “It’s a good thing you’re accepting what we're offering because we already informed Brady and our parents that you’re stuck with us, and they will just have to get used to it.” Kayden grinned. “So beware if the parents start to get a little antsy.”

  Lincoln gave my hand a gentle squeeze from under the table, and I turned my attention back to him as he grunted. “I don’t know about Officer Brady, but our parents would do anything to have us settled as soon as possible, not with babies, though.” My heart stopped at the mention of babies. “But settled no less,” Lincoln finished.

  Tyler and Kayden both chuckled, surprised at Lincoln’s blunt warning. “No babies for us, at least not anytime soon,” Tyler said, his gaze meeting Lincoln’s then coming back to mine, full of unbridled heat. “But we can always start on forever.”

  Oh boy, this conversation was getting way-way serious too soon. Tyler leaned in, his easy-going disposition gone, and in its place, a more serious one. His eyes were intent on mine as his thumb played on the inside of my palm caressing the center. “What would your answer be, today, if we asked you to be ours, forever?” Lincoln’s hand tightened once again. Kayden’s shoe lifted off of my foot to slide next to it so that our ankles were touching. Almost as if our feet were hugging.

  “We would finish out college, save some money and buy a little house not far from Uncle Denny’s farm. Far enough out that people wouldn’t bother us, but just close enough not to be out in the boonies. After that, we’d have to see what would happen.”

  “What do you say, Faith? Would that be something you could live with? A somewhat, normal but eventful life”—he glanced over to his brothers—“with the three of us?”

  My heart was going a mile minute. Was this a... proposal? Or were they just putting it out there for me? Letting me know that they were beyond serious and were ready to start talking about the future? Either way, I was freaking out on the inside. I wanted to say yes. I wanted them. I couldn’t see myself without them, but this was a lot to put on me at the moment. I’d just had a trigger. It was the death date of my parents. It was a lot to take in today. I bent my head to glance down at the discarded menu and to reply with an honest answer, but we were interrupted before I could.

  “Hello!” the cheerful voice of our waitress greeted us, not knowing what she’d just interrupted.
“Do y’all know what drinks you’ll be having?”

  I could hear the protests and groans under their breaths, and it gave me a warm feeling inside that they were anxious for my answer, but I wasn’t going to give them one today.

  “I’ll have an iced tea,” I piped up when no one else answered. The other three ordered their drinks, and then the waitress promptly told us that she’d be back to get our meal orders momentarily.

  As she walked away, three sets of curious eyes turned to me, demanding an answer. “Today is not the day to be asking me those kinds of questions.” Their faces fell, and I knew that was not what they’d expected me to say. “But, I wouldn’t mind if those questions were asked again on another day in a different way. At that time, my answer might be the one you guys are wanting. But right now, please don’t make me answer that. I’m all messed up, and I want to be clear minded when you three ask me again.”

  Expressions of relief crossed each of their faces. “Ok,” Lincoln spoke up. “Expect us to ask again soon, Faith, and we expect your answer to be one that will start the rest of our lives, but until then...”

  “We’ll have lots of sex,” Kayden finished, causing me to laugh.

  The day had started off good but then turned not so good, and currently I was overflowing with warmth and joy. They cared about me and wanted me, in the white dress kind of sense. I knew they wanted me before, as a girlfriend and possibly living together but what they were suggesting now was permanent, and I wanted it. But the ups and downs of the day left me unsteady.