Stay With Me

by Cross, Cassie

  Ayanna still sports those braids she had in the picture clipped to Audrey’s visor. She’s wearing a crisp white sundress that pops against her deep skin. I can only make out the silhouette of the man she’s talking to, but I’d know that silhouette anywhere.

  The man it belongs to makes my heart stutter in my chest, makes my fight-or-flight reflexes kick in.

  Jackson bends down and picks up a bright yellow tennis ball, then tosses it out into the yard.

  Sam, the golden retriever Jackson’s had since he was a puppy, happily chases after it.

  I remember how he fell asleep curled up against my side with his head on my thigh the night Jackson brought him home. He always aggressively pressed his nose into my knee, his signature alert when he wanted belly scratches.

  I’ve missed that damn dog so much.

  I’ve missed his owner too. More than I’ve been willing to admit to myself these past few years. It hits me all at once watching him play with his dog in the fading sunlight.

  “You okay?” Audrey asks.

  I swallow hard, take a deep breath and lie. “Yeah. I think so.”

  I’m about to ask Audrey if we can leave when Jackson looks over. That familiar shift I feel in the air whenever he’s near leaves me breathless.

  I open the car door, and Sam makes a beeline right for me. He pushes against my jeans with his wet nose, his happy butt wiggling with excitement. Petting him will give me a few seconds to calm my heart.

  “Hey boy,” I say with a laugh as he rolls onto his back. I crouch down and give him scratches as his tongue hangs sloppily out of the side of his mouth, making me giggle.

  “I’ve really missed that laugh.”

  Just like the first time we met, goosebumps break out all over.

  I slowly lift my head, craning my neck to take in all six-foot-two of him. Jackson looks good, he really does. Much better than the last time I saw him, when he was angry and tired, all the fire sapped out of him. This is the Jackson I remember when I can’t stop myself from thinking about him.

  Damn it.

  “Birdie,” he sighs. “It’s really good to see you.”

  Chapter Three

  I’ve imagined this moment many times throughout the years, what it would be like to see Jackson again after our breakup. In my imagination, it’s always a shining moment for me: I’m poised, confident, over all the heartbreak that weighed me down after our relationship ended with everything so…unfinished. My hair is fabulous, my skin clear, makeup perfect, outfit amazing.

  In reality I’m hunched over a dog who’s spread-eagle on the grass, my wrist covered with his slobber. There’s dirt on my jeans and my hair is wind-wild from riding in the car with the windows down. I have a stress zit that’s taken up residence on my chin, which may or may not still have concealer on it.

  Still, somehow Jackson’s looking at me with those soft, honey-brown eyes like I’m the best thing he’s seen all day. Oh, how I wish I’d been able to get over that look. It still makes my skin feel prickly all over. It makes me feel wanted, like I’m the only thing on earth he could possibly need.

  Except…I’m not. He told me as much years ago, and I’ve been hanging on to that ever since. The reminder reels me back in from getting too carried away with this rush of emotion.

  Jackson, of course, looks good. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I’d kind of wanted him to suffer a little bit without me.

  “Hey,” I say in a long, drawn-out sigh. It sounds dreamy, which makes that stupidly gorgeous smile on Jackson’s face even bigger. “It’s good to see you. You look good, like things are good. I’m gonna stop saying good in a second, promise.”

  “That’s good,” he replies with an amused chuckle.

  I shoot Audrey a panicked look because I need someone to save me from this.

  Here with Jackson now, I don’t remember anything leading to our breakup. I remember the way I love you, Birdie sounds on his lips. I remember the way he liked to stroke my cheek before he kissed me. The way he surrounded me like a blanket when we fell asleep, because he knew I’d get cold in the middle of the night.

  He leans in, like he’s reading my mind. Like he remembers those things too. “We should talk later. I—”

  “Hey Sam,” Audrey says in a high-pitched voice as she pats him on the head. She picks up his ball and tosses it across the yard. “Go get it.”

  Sam takes off in a sprint.

  “Birdie, Ayanna wants her chance at giving you the world’s biggest hug, and she’s pretty impatient about it. Don’t make her wait. Jackson! I like what you’re doing with your hair.”

  “You saw me last week, Audrey,” Jackson says, exasperated.

  She ignores him and hooks her arm around mine, escorting me over to Ayanna, who’s watching the whole exchange with a sympathetic smile.

  “I thought you wanted me to talk to him?” I whisper, hoping she’s changed her mind about pushing for a reconciliation. I know Audrey, and I’m positive she’s cooked up at least one scheme to Parent Trap Jackson and me during this trip.

  “I do, but you looked like you were drowning. Despite my feelings on the matter, you can always count on me to be your life preserver.”

  “That’s sweet,” I say with a sentimental smile.

  “Don’t get too comfortable.” She slings her arm across my shoulder. “I still think you two should talk, just maybe not first thing.”

  “And you plan on making that happen if you have to, don’t you?”

  She winks at me. “Maybe.”

  Before I have the chance to argue, Ayanna wraps me up in a hug.

  “Hey,” she says with a huge grin when we part. “I’ve really missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you, too.” I motion toward the main house, painted a fresh, crisp white with bright flowers planted in neat beds across the front. It’s a far cry from the dingy old wooden structure that used to greet guests when they entered the property. “I can’t believe this is the same campground.”

  Ayanna clicks her tongue. “Girl, this isn’t a campground anymore, it’s a bed and breakfast. I classed it up.”

  I laugh, looking around at her hard work. “You sure did.”

  “And you’re in for a treat, too. I’ve got a tasting menu for dinner tonight to make sure everything is running smoothly in the kitchen for Miranda and Mateo’s party on Saturday. The chef makes better mac and cheese than I do, and you know that’s a compliment I don’t give lightly.”

  Like it knows we’re talking about food, my stomach growls. “I can’t wait. Where are M&M anyway?”

  “Running late as usual. That’s why I wanted them here days ahead of their party; I needed to make sure they’d show up on time. I told them I’d hold dinner for another hour, but after that they’re on their own. I don’t even think they’ve left DC yet.”

  “Are you nervous about opening?”

  She sighs. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”

  “Anything I can do?”

  “Just enjoy yourself and let me know if the food is terrible, or if you notice I’ve forgotten to stock the cabins with toilet paper or something.”

  I nod solemnly. “If I find myself without toilet paper, believe me, you’ll be the first to know.”

  “Thank you,” she replies gratefully. “So, miss bestseller, how are things? Is that second novel coming out soon? I can’t wait to find out what happens with Nate and Trish.”

  She hits me where it hurts without even realizing it. “Things are great,” I lie through my teeth. “The first draft is with my editor now.”

  God, if only I could manage a first draft of a chapter that I didn’t immediately toss in the recycle bin it would be a miracle. A first draft of the whole novel seems like a pipe dream at this point. Whenever I sit down at my laptop to write, the blank page and blinking cursor do nothing but taunt me.

  I don’t want anyone to know I’m struggling. I’m worried about what the reaction would be, and I obsess over disappointing people eno
ugh as it is.

  “My mom’s book club read it a couple months ago. She was bragging that I know you. She begged me to get some signed copies for everyone.”

  “Of course.” People wanting my autograph is something that will never stop being surreal. “I’ll send some over when I get home.”

  “Mama wants hers personalized, of course.”

  “Consider it done.”

  “All those years we teased you about burying your head in a laptop, diligently typing away, and you were writing a masterpiece,” she teases, playfully bumping my shoulder with hers.

  I worked on that book for two and a half years, and I still can’t believe I sold it. It boggles my mind that it became a sensation, that it wound up changing my life in ways I never could’ve imagined. I used writing as a distraction from all the pain I was feeling after the breakup and I’m happy that something good came out of it.

  I wouldn’t change a single thing that’s happened to me since Jackson and I went our separate ways.

  But sometimes…sometimes I wonder what if?

  What if things had worked out between us?

  What if I hadn’t turned to a world of make believe to help me cope?

  Where would I be? What would my life be like?

  What if?

  Seeing Jackson again is bringing up all these thoughts I’d hoped were long buried.

  “Birdie?” Ayanna asks.

  I snap out of it, realizing I zoned out for a few seconds.

  “Sorry.”

  There’s nothing but sympathy in her eyes, like she can read my thoughts. “C’mon,” she says, hooking her arm through mine. “Let’s go inside. I hired an amazing bartender, and I have the feeling we could both use a drink.”

  Against my better judgment, I turn around and glance at Jackson as we walk away. The sad look on his face saps some of my anger. This would all be so much easier if I could forget what he meant to me—forget what this place meant to us—and stay angry.

  This is gonna be a long trip.

  “Yeah,” I reply as we walk into the main house. “I could definitely use a drink.”

  Chapter Four

  With cocktails in hand (a margarita for me, a Negroni for Ayanna), I receive a personal tour of the property. Ayanna shows me the massive changes she’s made to the main house, and it looks like something that belongs in Architectural Digest. Crisp white walls, warm leather furniture in arrangements that make the place look intimate and appealing. There’s a well-stocked bar now, manned by a bartender who clearly adores working for Ayanna, and a small restaurant that overlooks the entire property, showcasing the lake. The view from the large bay window will be magnificent in the fall, highlighting all the changing colors of the leaves.

  Ayanna leads me out to the back porch that spans the length of the main house. It’s decorated with wicker chairs for relaxing, and tables here and there hold chess and checker boards for entertaining the guests on warm, sunny days.

  I’m impressed by the thought that’s gone into even the smallest details, but it doesn’t surprise me. Ayanna’s always been a businesswoman at heart. If she does something, she does it right. This bed and breakfast is no exception.

  We walk toward the lake, which is only about half the size of a football field. She’s completely redone the rickety old pier that reaches out into the water on the eastern side. A few rowboats are tethered to the posts, rocking in the waves kicked up by the wind.

  During our first trip here as a group—shortly after Jackson and I started dating—the two of us walked out onto that pier together. It was the weekend before the campground shut down for the season and it was too cold for a swim. We rolled our jeans up to our knees and dipped our toes in the water, holding hands as we watched the sunset.

  We circle around the freshly painted gazebo. Bright flowers are planted around the perimeter, welcoming people inside. Jackson and I used to sneak out here to get some quiet time away from our friends. He’d always plan something sweet and simply romantic, like draping a bouquet of tulips—my favorite—across the swing, or having a champagne picnic waiting on our arrival.

  We pass the two sturdy oaks that held the rope hammock I used to sit in with a pen and paper in hand when inspiration struck. It’s been replaced by a newer, nicer one. Maybe I should slip out here with my laptop at some point during my visit and see if that spot still holds some magic for me.

  After we make our way along the far side of the lake on our way back to the main house, Ayanna and I pass the cabin where Jackson and I celebrated our first anniversary. And second. And third. Those were the only times we came here alone, and they were huge splurges. Usually our whole group would cram ourselves into a single cabin to save money, which meant we could come more often and spend more time here together.

  This campground offered just what we needed as a bunch of outdoors-loving broke college kids: a cheap place to go when we didn’t want to spend our weekends making the trip home or hanging out on campus. This tour is reminding me how ingrained in my past it is. I love that Ayanna bought it, that it’ll stay open for countless others to come and make their own memories.

  When we’re nearly back where we started, Ayanna guides me over to a bench nestled between two cabins. She hikes her leg up on the seat and angles herself in my direction. She takes a long sip of her drink.

  “You’ve been awfully quiet,” she observes.

  I fiddle with the condensation on my glass, buying myself some time to come up with a reply that won’t offend her. She’s done a wonderful job of freshening up this place, of making it into something new. But all I can think about when I look at it is the past.

  “I was admiring the changes you’ve made,” I reply, looking around at her work. “With everything you’ve done, you managed to keep all the charm but make it more charming. It’s the same, but better. You did a great job, Ayanna. I’m so proud.”

  She beams. “Thank you.”

  “There are a lot of memories here. Despite all the upgrades, it’s still kinda like walking through a time capsule.”

  She presses her lips together. “I know it’s hard for you to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to be here.”

  “I’m guessing you’re on Audrey’s side with the whole Jackson and I should talk to each other thing, huh?”

  “Only because I think you both owe it to yourselves to clear the air.”

  I take a sip of my drink and let out a long sigh. I’ve missed so much of my friends’ lives over the years because I wanted to keep my distance and guard my heart.

  “I’m done letting the past keep me away,” I admit. “I was wrong to allow it for so long. I won’t let it stop me from celebrating M&M’s engagement, and I won’t let it stop me from becoming one of your more annoyingly frequent guests.”

  “Good,” she replies with a smile, grasping my hand.

  “I just don’t want you guys worried about me while we’re here, okay? I’m fine. It’s fine.”

  “We just want to make sure you’re all right. There’s no baggage between the rest of us, but with you two…we worry.”

  “And I love you for it. But I’m a big girl. This weekend is about you and our two friends who actually managed to make their relationship work,” I say with a laugh. “It’s not about me and Jackson. I promise I’ll be fine. Let’s just focus on having fun and making up for lost time.”

  I’m just faking it till I make it, but it feels right anyway. I want to spend time with my friends, to reclaim the part of my life that I’ve been missing since I moved to New York. I’ve never been able to let go of it, and it seems like there’s a reason for that.

  “Deal,” Ayanna replies. “In the interest of full disclosure…you know Audrey has it in her mind that she can get you and Jackson back together, right?”

  I nod. “Our conversation in the car kinda tipped me off.”

  “I told her we should all mind our own damn business, but you know how she is. A hopeless romantic till the bitter end.�
��

  “I know,” I sigh. I take another sip of my margarita and let out a satisfied hum. “If your chef is as good as your bartender, I can’t wait for dinner.”

  “He is. Sorry to use y’all as guinea pigs, but I’m booked up for the late spring and summer, and if something’s gonna go wrong, I want it going wrong now instead of then. I don’t want to stumble out of the gate with bad service or bad food.”

  “I don’t think anything about this place could be bad,” I reply, trying to calm her nerves.

  Ayanna lets out a long, steadying breath. “I’m just…so damn nervous.”

  “Trust me, I understand. I puked on my book’s release day. If you manage to get through your grand opening without barfing, you’ll have one up on me. And for the record, I don’t mind being used as a guinea pig as long as I get to eat whatever it is that smells so good.”

  “It’s bacon-wrapped filet.”

  I moan a little; I’m starving.

  Ayanna pulls her phone out of her pocket and turns it so I can see the screen. “M&M’s hour is up. Time to eat. Besides, we should probably save Jackson from Audrey. She said she was gonna ask him to take a look at her timing belt, and at this point he’s probably suffered enough.”

  She extends her hand and helps me up.

  “Well…”

  “Maybe not quite enough,” she teases.

  Chapter Five

  It’s late, I’m stuffed from our amazing dinner, and everyone’s retired to their cabins for the evening. I’ve loved reconnecting with Audrey and Ayanna, and what little bit I interacted with Jackson was pleasant, although I slipped out of the main house before he was able to pull me aside to talk. We’re going to have to have a conversation sooner rather than later, but I’m just not ready tonight.

  I’ve had a long, emotionally exhausting day and I should be trying to sleep, but I’m too keyed up. Nothing on TV is holding my interest, so I grab a pen and some paper and head out onto the front porch. There’s a surprisingly comfortable wicker chair I curl up in and attempt to write, well…anything.