Garrant

by Annabelle Rex

  “He’s my son,” Ricky said.

  You don’t even know what that means, Nell thought.

  “I know, and I’m willing to facilitate a meeting, Ricky. But Mikey… He’s been through a lot, okay? The last couple of years have been really tough. He’s a great kid - so brave and so strong. But he needs stability in his life right now, he needs consistency.”

  “So you’ve taken him out of school to go to the alien olympics?” Ricky said.

  “I’ve taken him out of school to spend time with his family. He needs family, Ricky. He’s never had anyone except me and Asha before. And this is what I mean about you needing to be sure. Because he’s desperate for a father. Desperate. He would welcome you into his life with open arms, but I don’t want to put him through that if you’re just going to decide to leave again. I can’t do that to him. So I’m asking you, are you sure this is what you want?”

  “I want to be back in your life,” Ricky said. “But if you’re telling me this is where I’ve got to start, then it’s where I’ll start. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

  “Okay,” Nell said, not wanting to go over again how she wasn’t on the table. She was too tired to keep retreading ground. “If you’re a hundred percent sure you want to meet him, I’ll bring him to the Shopping District and you can take him out for lunch or something. But I want you to sleep on it for a couple of days. Really, really think about it, Rick, okay? Then message me to let me know either way. I won’t say anything to Mikey until you message, so no obligation.”

  “Alright,” Ricky said. “I’ll go sleep on it, just like you asked. But I already know what my answer’s going to be. So I’ll see you and Mikey in a couple of days, okay?” He headed for the door, but turned back to her just before he got there. “This isn’t how I imagined this evening going, you know?”

  “I know,” Nell said. And dammit she wasn’t going to apologise for that. “Goodnight, Ricky. I’ll wait to hear from you.”

  Chapter 13

  NELL TRIED TO BREATHE OUT ALL the frustration before she arrived at Allendi’s but apparently she wasn’t successful, because Angela took one look at her and handed her a glass of wine.

  “You look like you need one,” she said.

  Nell took a gulp of the wine, assuming that Allendi hadn’t mentioned to the girls what she’d been doing. Asha would have been a lot more angry if she had.

  Nell contemplated telling them it had just been a long day, putting off the fallout with her sister for a little while longer. But some things went best when ripped off like a band aid, so she took another large sip of wine and blurted it all out.

  “I just got done talking to Ricky.”

  “You what?” Asha said, eyes narrowing.

  “Was he alright with you?” Angela asked, putting a hand on her arm. “He didn’t do anything?”

  “It was…” The word fine sat at the tip of her tongue, ready, but she was done making excuses for him. “He kissed me, it was horrible.”

  “Do I need to go and get Mal’s shotgun?” Asha said. She had her arms folded across her chest, her grey eyes stormy.

  Angela, who was familiar with the story of Mal and his shotgun, burst out laughing. Nell just shook her head.

  “One, it’s a very long way away right now. Two, I thought the police confiscated it. Three, when I told him to back off, he backed off. It was horrible because it was awkward, he didn’t cross a line.”

  “Sounds to me like he did,” Asha said. “Why on Earth didn’t you tell him to get lost as soon as he stood close enough to be a kiss hazard?”

  “I know, I should have,” Nell said. “I just got caught up in the memory of him, you know?”

  “What, the memory of when he abandoned you without warning?” Asha said, scowling.

  “That should have been at the front of my mind, but it wasn’t.”

  “Why not?” Asha said. “And why on Earth did you even invite him over in the first place? Why would you waste your breath on him?”

  Allendi put a placating hand on Asha’s shoulder.

  “Because he’s Mikey’s father,” Nell said, keeping her voice low. The kids were in another room, watching something together and Nell doubted they would pay the adult conversation any attention, even if they could hear it, but she wasn’t about to take chances.

  “He’s a sperm donor, not a father,” Asha said, voice venomous. “He doesn’t deserve a look in with Mikey after what he did. Why would you even give him a second of your time? Never mind let him kiss you!”

  Nell sighed. “I loved him, Ash. It was a stupid, childish love, but it was love. He broke my heart, and even now after all these years, a little bit of me wanted to know if we could go back to how we were. Of course we can’t, we’re totally different people now. I’m a totally different person now, anyway. But for a tiny moment, I got caught up in the good stuff and forgot the bad, okay?”

  Angela, who had suffered her share of heartbreak before meeting Randar, nodded at her. “And then he kissed you and you felt nothing?”

  “Worse than nothing,” Nell said. “As soon as it wasn’t all sparkles and rainbows, my mind stopped being idiotic and remembered all that other stuff. It was the most horrible kiss I’ve ever had.”

  Cold, limp. The exact opposite of Garrant’s scorching kisses. Nell only hoped that memory would fade with time - she couldn’t imagine any other man living up to it.

  Angela gave her a sympathetic look. “Nothing worse than horrible kisses.” She raised her glass of wine. “Here’s to your next one being considerably better.”

  “Cheers to that,” Nell said, clinking their glasses together, draining the last of her wine before her thoughts could start wandering in Garrant’s direction.

  Angela reached for the bottle and topped their glasses up with a grin.

  “If you’d just take the Match test, you wouldn’t have to think about any of this,” Asha said, still annoyed. “I know you were worried about Mikey, and I understand that. I think waiting this long was the right idea. Get him settled, new school, new friends, new routines. But don’t you think he is settled now? Don’t you think he’s taken all of this in his stride like a champ?”

  Before now, Asha hadn’t brought up the fact that Nell had refused the Match test. She’d accepted her reasons for it without question. But Nell knew her logic would only hold for so long. Because Mikey had taken everything in his stride. He had flourished.

  “I know,” she said, “but I still want him to have some time just us, you know? I’ve been absent for so much of the last couple of years, working, training. Even when I was home, I had to study all the time…”

  “Wouldn’t having someone else on the scene make that a bit easier?” Asha said. “With two of you to divide up the jobs, wouldn’t you have more time - more quality time, anyway - to spend with Mikey?”

  “And what if my Match is light years away?” Nell said, because there was no arguing against Asha’s line of thinking. Asha was right. “What if everything that’s become normal over the last six months just gets upended again and we have to ship off to some unknown place away from all of you?”

  “That wouldn’t happen,” Allendi said. “When Matches live some distance away, there’s usually discussion about who comes to who, but in the case of an uninducted planet, unless there is some circumstance that makes it better for the uninducted citizen to go out into the Universe, their Match is expected to come to them.”

  So I just upend someone else’s life, Nell thought, but she didn’t say it. The way the Intergalactic Community treated the Match program, she was certain that her Match would be delighted to have his life upended in order to meet her.

  And they’d be horribly disappointed.

  “There you go then,” Asha said. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Nell, I’m not trying to force you into something. I just don’t get it. I don’t get why you wouldn’t want to have a Match. It’s not like you don’t know it works.”

 
“Of course I know it works,” Nell said. “That’s the problem…”

  Angela and Asha both looked at her with near identical confused expressions. But Allendi’s eyes held something softer, something understanding. The urge to say it all, to have it all out in the open overcame Nell.

  “I never wanted kids,” she said, the words bursting out of her in a rush. “Before Mikey, I never saw kids as something I wanted in my life. I wanted… I wanted to travel, I wanted to have enough money to be comfortable, to have nice things and a partner I could share all that with. Kids… the way I saw it when I was younger, they would just get in the way of me getting everything I wanted. And of course having him changed all that - as soon as they put him in my arms, I didn’t care any more about any of the other things, Mikey was all that mattered.” She took a shuddering breath. “But it didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t what I wanted. And if the Match test is supposed to find me my perfect Match, then that person, whoever he is, wouldn’t want children either. Ricky already left me because of Mikey, and I can’t, I can’t go through all of that again… I can’t put Mikey through that either. He so wants a father, and I can’t take the test and find him one, only for that guy to walk out on us both. I can’t.”

  Allendi drew her into her arms, holding her, smoothing a hand over Nell’s hair and telling her it was okay. Nell cried, years of buried emotions pouring out of her. When the torrent slowed to a trickle, Allendi drew back, brushing the tears from Nell’s face.

  “You remind me of me,” she said.

  Nell blinked, surprised.

  “I was terrified to take the Match test, too,” she said. “In the Intergalactic Community, we normally take the test when we come of age. Eighteen Standard Years for Allortasians. I didn’t take it until I was twenty-two, and then only because my mother practically made me.”

  Nell swiped at her cheeks, brushing away the tears, even as more obstinately continued to fall. “Why?”

  Allendi shrugged a shoulder. “I was afraid that my Match would only be interested in the ‘Princess Allendi’ side of me. I had a lot of issues with anxiety back then. Ardan… he helped me to understand myself a bit better. Helped me overcome the worst of all that. I know I don’t come across that way now, but trust me. If you asked Garrant what I was like when we first met, he’d have some stories for you.” She shook her head, shooting Nell a wry smile. “Anyway, I’m not trying to tell you about my neurotic teenage years. I’m trying to say that I understand not trusting the Match test. I understand being afraid of what the result will be. But I don’t think you have anything to be afraid of.”

  “Really?” Nell said.

  Allendi’s smile was all warmth and understanding. “Angela, do you think if you had a kid that Randar wouldn’t have fallen in love with you, that he wouldn’t have done everything he could to make both you and your child happy?”

  “Of course he would have,” Angela said without hesitation.

  “Because Randar is a decent guy,” Allendi said. “And I know that with confidence because my brother never shuts up about how pleased he is to finally have a bodyguard working for him that he actually likes.”

  “Cael never shuts up about anything,” Asha said, prompting Allendi to laugh.

  “My point is,” Allendi said. “There’s no way that Randar could be perfect for Angela if he wasn’t the sort of guy who would take on a kid he never planned on having. Because Angela would never fall in love with a guy who wasn’t decent, kind hearted. What you want out of life doesn’t matter so much - life gets in the way all the time. And sure the Match test pairs you with someone aligned with your desires and interests. Asha would never have Matched with Cael if she didn’t want a family. But wanting something doesn’t mean you automatically get it. Matched couples can still have problems with infertility. Ignoring the issue of the Imorna, would you leave Cael if you found out the two of you couldn’t have children?”

  “No,” Asha said.

  “Ardan never wanted children. If you’d have asked him before we were Matched, he would have been a definite ‘no’ to kids. Ardan pretty much didn’t want a Match either,” Allendi said, with an affectionate eye roll. “People are not his strong suit. But after we were Matched, that changed. He realised that having children was no longer so unimaginable. And I wanted a child, so he wanted me to have one. My point is, life is never as simple as black and white, yes and no. You are a lovely person, and no person who isn’t equally lovely could ever be a Match for you.”

  Nell tried to smile, but the kindness of Allendi’s words just set her tears off again.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “Some girl’s night, me crying all over you.”

  “That’s what girl friends are for,” Angela said.

  Nell tried again to wipe the tears from her face, mostly succeeding. “God, I’m all over the place at the moment. Ricky being here has really got my head in a mess. And yesterday with Garrant-”

  “Garrant?” Allendi’s voice went sharp. “What did he do?”

  “No, no, nothing,” Nell said, hoping her face was already so red and blotchy the burning blush didn’t show. “Mikey absolutely adores him. He had such a good time learning to play Hyperdisk. He’s been saying all day that yesterday was the best day ever. And I know, I know, every day is the best day ever for a five-year-old, but it was more than just your normal five-year-old excitement.”

  Nell closed her eyes, aware that the more she talked, the more she was talking herself in to making space for Ricky in Mikey’s life.

  “Mikey really, really wants a father figure,” she said. “The way he took to Garrant just made that all the more clear to me. And I haven’t told him that his actual father is right here. It doesn’t seem fair not to make that introduction. Not to give them that chance.”

  “Well, that’s a decision only you can make,” Allendi said, shooting Asha a look when Asha opened her mouth to protest. “It’s not a problem often faced by the Intergalactic Community these days, and no one here has been in your position before. But whatever you choose, you’ve got the support of your family. You don’t have to do all this on your own.”

  Asha sighed, rising from her seat and moving next to Nell.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, wrapping her arms round Nell. “I shouldn’t be so angry. It’s just, when I think about him, I remember how much he hurt you and I think he doesn’t deserve to have any part of you or Mikey. But if you think it’s the right thing to do, then of course I’ll support you.”

  Nell hugged her back. “I gave him two days to think about it. Maybe he’ll decide it isn’t what he wants anyway.”

  Asha drew back, a hint of a snarl in her expression. “I won’t pretend I’m not hoping for that outcome.”

  Nell laughed, and then Asha laughed too, and before long everyone was laughing and the tears running down Nell’s cheeks weren’t from sadness anymore.

  Mikey and Sassi were both sound asleep, curled up together, when it came time to leave.

  “Leave them,” Allendi said, “I don’t mind. You go have a night to yourself. Get a lie in tomorrow.”

  “Thank you, for everything,” Nell said, drawing Allendi into a hug.

  “We’re family,” Allendi said, and Nell didn’t doubt for a moment how sincerely she meant that.

  It was strange, Nell thought as she headed back to her suite alone. All her life she’d never had any family, bar Asha. And Mal. Gruff old Mal who hadn’t ever really known what to do with them, but had tried his best all the same, trying to fill the gap their real father left behind.

  Perhaps Allendi was right. Perhaps there was someone out there who could do the same for Mikey. Because if Mal could attempt to be a father figure, then maybe her Match could, too.

  She’d take the test. As soon as she got back to Earth she’d take the test.

  She settled into bed, mind racing as she tried to imagine what her perfect Match would be like. Handsome would be nice, but not essential, she decided. Kindness was f
ar more important. Strength. She wanted to feel looked after, cared for.

  She wanted to feel loved. And not just emotionally. Physically. Scorching kisses and insatiable desire. She’d always considered her sex life with Ricky to be good, but Garrant had shown her exactly what she’d been missing. Now settling for less no longer felt like an option.

  Garrant.

  The kiss they’d shared on the Observation Deck sent heat curling through her from head to toe. And she’d pushed him back, not wanting to embroil herself any deeper in something she couldn’t keep.

  A little voice seemed to bubble up from deep in her subconscious, whispering a dangerous thought.

  What if you could?

  What if she could. What if all along this strong and undeniable attraction was because they were Matches? Hadn’t Asha said she’d been instantly attracted to Cael, even though she hadn’t even believed the Match process worked? Nell had never felt so strongly, so quickly about anyone. It didn’t seem to be diminishing, either. The longer she went without seeing him, the worse she seemed to crave his presence. And when he’d swept her up into his arms and flown her up to look at the stars, she’d wanted to believe things could be real between them. She’d just never thought it possible.

  Did she want him to be her Match? The answer filled her heart, as strong and undeniable as their attraction.

  Yes. She wanted him to be her Match very much.

  Chapter 14

  THE PAIN WAS BACK. THERE WAS no denying it any more.

  Garrant rolled his shoulder forwards and backwards, testing it. Deep in the muscle tissue, he could feel a slight twinge. Nothing major, nothing unmanageable.

  For now.

  “You good?” Coach Evin said.

  Garrant fixed his best self confident smile in place. “Yeah, I’m good.”

  The serum would hold for another two days. It had to.

  The semi-final went by in a blur. Garrant didn’t even have time to look for Allendi or Nell in the crowds, the play far too intense, his concentration entirely taken up. The roar of the crowd was like white noise to him, narrowing his focus down to the disk in his hand, the net at the other end of the court.