Shatter Me

by Kim Hartfield

  “You’re in a rough spot right now, and I’d be taking advantage of your vulnerability if anything were to happen between us.”

  “You mean… if it weren’t for the whole Chantel thing, you could’ve been interested?”

  “If things were different… things would be different.”

  I’d thought at the time that she was saying she liked me, and that’d been mind-blowing at the time, but immediately after, I’d begun to doubt whether I’d interpreted it right. This was Dr. Sydney Burgin we were talking about here. She was about a million miles out of my league. There was no possible chance that she was into me.

  And from there, our conversation had only gotten more confusing. First she’d said anyone would be lucky to have me – and then I’d pushed the issue. “I meant anyone else would be lucky to have you. You’re a friend now, Lora. Let’s leave it at that.”

  No matter how much I tried to twist her words around, I couldn’t convince myself she had any feelings for me. It sounded more like she’d misspoken and vaguely implied she did, and then had to let me down gently without actually saying she wasn’t into me.

  Which sucked, because now that I was really getting over Chantel, I found that Sydney was on my mind a lot. A whole lot. Her sharp mind, her caring manner, her beautiful eyes, her soft-looking lips…

  I was a long way from dating anyone again. I definitely needed to stay single for a long time.

  But when I was ready to date again… I wished I had a fraction of a chance with Sydney.

  Twenty – Sydney

  February 13 fell on a Friday this year, and I wished my students a happy Valentine’s Day as they filed out of class. “Enjoy your weekend, make it a romantic one, but don’t forget to finish your homework between all your hot dates!”

  I packed my briefcase and headed out after them. I didn’t have anything planned for the weekend, other than my usual volunteer work. My friends were busy with their partners, whereas I hadn’t been on a date in months.

  My singlehood didn’t bother me… much. I had plenty to do, and I preferred to be alone than to date someone just because I was lonely. It was going to take a truly special woman to drag me into a relationship. I hadn’t been interested in anyone in a while, aside from the one person I definitely shouldn’t date.

  If I was to be honest, I’d been thinking about Lora a lot lately, and not just in a caring sort of way. Now that we were more on equal footing, I’d lost my urge to gallantly rescue the damsel in distress. Instead, I just wanted to wine and dine her, then cuddle up watching Netflix with Virginia purring softly beside us.

  It didn’t help that Lora had been telling me that Valentine’s was particularly rough on her. I was dying to call her, just to see if she was okay. But if she wasn’t, and she was going to be lonely tomorrow, and she wanted to hang out with me…

  I stopped myself there, before my fantasies could get out of control. I’d call Lora, she’d be fine, and that’d be that. I’d hang out by myself tomorrow, and she’d do whatever she did on a normal Saturday.

  When I arrived at the parking lot, I got in my car and turned on my phone. Lora quickly picked up, sounding slightly frazzled.

  “I’m just calling to check in,” I said. “How are you feeling, what with tomorrow and all?”

  “I’m okay.” She paused, making me guess she wasn’t okay. “It might be a hard day, actually. I don’t have anything planned. I’ll just be working, and I probably won’t see anyone, and – ”

  I interrupted her. “Let’s go to dinner.”

  “Dinner?”

  Oh no, what had I just blurted out? “You know, the third meal of the day?” I joked, glad she wasn’t there to see the burning in my cheeks. “It’ll give you something to look forward to. I don’t have any big plans either, so…”

  “I don’t know,” she said. “Every restaurant in town will be booked at this point.”

  “We can grab some fast food. It’ll still give us something to do.”

  “That sounds silly, Sydney.”

  “All right… then why don’t you come over?” I clapped my hand over my mouth. What was I doing? I had to be out of my mind to invite over my very-bad-idea crush for a nice romantic dinner on Valentine’s Day.

  Before I could take back the invitation, she was already accepting it. “You know, that could be fun. I’d love to.”

  We confirmed our plans, and then we hung up. My heart pounded, and I swallowed hard before turning the key in the ignition.

  It’d been months since I’d started falling for Lora, and I wanted her badly enough when I wasn’t having her over for the most romantic holiday of the year.

  How was I going to get through tomorrow night?

  *

  I set the hot baking pan down on the stovetop and slipped off my oven mitt as the kitchen filled with the fragrant smell of rosemary chicken. Lora would be here any minute, which meant I had to hurry up and finish the Caesar salad. I took a quick sip of wine and went back to chopping the lettuce.

  The buzzer rang, and my heart leapt. I pressed the button to let Lora in, then pulled down the hem of my shirt and smoothed back my hair. I’d gone for a casually stylish ensemble tonight, a flowing top and loose pants that looked relaxed and not at all like I’d been stressing over this non-date all day.

  My make-up and jewelry were minimal, and now I wished I’d been a bit more extravagant. I wanted to look good, even if Lora only saw this as a friendly hang-out. And it was only a friendly hang-out. Even if she happened to be into me that way, I’d turn her down for her own good.

  Our relationship was exactly what it was meant to be, and it wasn’t going to change. Not even if I loved staring into her deep blue eyes, or if I wondered how soft her lips would be on my skin. I was her older mentor figure, a big sister rather than a lover. We could have a close friendship, but to go any further than that would’ve been wrong.

  She knocked at the door, and I opened it, my breath immediately catching at the sight of those big eyes and full lips in real life. She’d also dressed in a relaxed-casual way, wearing a thick sweater over leggings and her hair softly brushed into a high ponytail. On her, even the minimal-effort style made her look like an angel.

  “Come on in.” I gave her a quick hug that was still long enough for me to inhale her strawberry shampoo. “I’ll take your coat.”

  “This place smells fantastic,” she said, seeming awed. “You spoil me.”

  “It’s nothing.” I shrugged off the compliment despite the hours I’d spent online searching for the perfect Valentine’s dinner. What I’d chosen was simple and impossible to mess up, yet still classy and delicious.

  In the kitchen, I poured her some wine and we talked about our days – my volunteer work and her writing. She leaned against the counter, her eyes following me as I mixed the salad and set it on the table.

  “It’s amazing how you still volunteer at the soup kitchen every Saturday,” she said. “I don’t know how you haven’t gotten tired of it yet.”

  “It’s much too rewarding to get tired. I really enjoy going there every week.” A frisson of guilt passed through me as I remembered how she’d once been interested in volunteering. She’d ended up getting her job before I’d put in a good word for her, so I figured she didn’t need it for her resume anymore. “You’re welcome to come sometime. They’d love to have you.”

  “Maybe I will.” She smiled at me, and I had to look away before I started to blush. “You still volunteer at Open Heart too, don’t you?”

  “Of course.” I’d been there yesterday, like I was every Friday.

  We both sat at the table, and I waited for her to serve her salad. She offered me the tongs, and I set a small portion on my own plate.

  “Anything interesting happening there?” she asked without looking at me. “What happened to the one lady with the four kids?”

  “She was still there,” I said glumly. “We hope she’ll be able to find her own apartment soon, but with so many kids
, she’s feeling bad about taking them away from their father.”

  “But he’s abusive.”

  “I know.” My frown deepened. “It’d be better for them to have no dad than one who’s abusing their mother, but sometimes it’s hard to convince someone that. And she doesn’t like to admit it, but I think she still has some deep feelings for him.”

  “I know how that goes,” Lora muttered. “It took me forever to get over Chantel.”

  She took a bite, and it took her a moment to notice I was staring at her. “What?”

  “Nothing.” I just hadn’t realized she was officially over Chantel.

  It didn’t matter. She wasn’t for me. We’d never date – it wasn’t happening. Too young, too fragile…

  We finished the salad course in a somewhat awkward silence, then served ourselves the chicken and roasted potatoes. Everything had turned out well, and I was moderately proud of myself – until Lora’s eyes widened and she turned to me. “Sydney, this is amazing.”

  “Oh, it’s nothing.”

  “Are you kidding? This tastes incredible.” She took another bite, her eyes rolling back in her head. “One of these days, you really need to stop being so damn modest.”

  “I’m not, I swear. It’s not much fancier than I typically cook for myself on a weeknight.”

  “Then I should just move in with you. I haven’t had a home-cooked meal in forever.” Her voice faltered as she finished speaking, as if just now realizing the first part of what she’d said.

  I laughed softly and brushed my hand over hers – again, without thinking, and if I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have. “It’s okay,” I said. “I know what you meant.”

  She picked up her fork again, and her hand shook the tiniest bit. “Don’t worry. I’m not actually crushing on you.”

  I blinked. “Worry?”

  “I mean, how much of a pain in the ass would I be if I was?” She took a bite. “Can’t you just imagine me following you around like a lost baby duck?”

  “That sounds adorable, actually.” Dammit, Sydney, think before you speak. “But you’re not crushing on me, so it’s fine.”

  “I mean… not more than the usual gorgeous-sophisticated-professor-who-rescued-me-from-myself crush.” She giggled nervously. “Sorry, I’m being weird. This just feels like a very romantic evening, and this wine is going to my head.”

  I nodded slowly. I wasn’t quite sure what she was saying, but given my feelings for her, I was starting to feel like there might be a problem. “Never mind. Do you never cook for yourself, then? Let me give you the recipe for this chicken.”

  Things got somewhat back on track from there, although I could feel her gazing at me more intensely than usual – or was I just more aware of her gaze? I’d kept the lights on as usual, and yet the atmosphere in the room made it feel like we were eating by candlelight.

  When we’d both eaten our fill, I took a box out of the fridge.

  “You didn’t,” Lora said, shaking her head at me.

  “I didn’t get a Valentine’s Day cake for my beautiful, amazing platonic date, who deserves the world and more?” I popped the box open and sliced two pieces from the small cake. “Chocolate with vanilla frosting. I remember you told me you like that combination.”

  “I do.” Her eyes were watery. “I can’t believe you did this for me.”

  Had I done too much? It was only a cake – and it killed me that she felt this strongly about it. She deserved to be treated like a queen every single day.

  I slid her slice over to her, forking a bite from mine. “Enjoy it,” I said without meeting her eyes. I could feel mine getting teary, too.

  I managed to bring the conversation back to neutral ground as we ate the cake. Every now and then, she’d let out an “mmm” of enjoyment, and I found my nerves tingling. I wondered if she sounded like that when she enjoyed other things, too.

  And I wasn’t going to find out. Even if she did have a little schoolgirl crush on me, she was off-limits. It would’ve been wrong for me to date her. Even to look at her the way I was doing right now… I had to stop.

  She took a final bite and licked the icing off her fork, her tongue sliding along the tines in a slow, languid movement. “That was delicious.”

  “I’m glad you liked it.” I toyed with the edge of my napkin. “This has been the best Valentine’s I’ve had in a long time.”

  A shadow crossed her face, and I immediately regretted my words. Even if I’d never been madly in love on Valentine’s Day, she had, and I’d just reminded her of her ex. Again.

  “This was lovely,” she said. “Thank you so much.”

  That didn’t mean she was going to leave, did it? I knew dinner was over, but I suddenly, desperately wanted her to stay.

  She stood up, and I hurried to get between her and the door. “You don’t have to leave so soon,” I said, blocking her way. “Have another glass of wine.”

  “I couldn’t impose on you more.”

  “Does it seem like you’re imposing?” I glanced over at the wine bottle on the counter. This would’ve been a good time to go and pour her another glass – but I was still standing close to her and the heat of her body and the smell of her perfume kept me right where I was.

  “No,” she said timidly, looking up at me from lowered lashes. “But…”

  “Stay.” I put my hand on her shoulder, just a friendly touch – at least to start, because as my hand lingered there, I felt like it was more. “I don’t want you to go.”

  She bit her lip, and I could’ve sworn a shiver passed through her. “What are you saying?”

  I was only saying what I’d just said – why did she have to ask? Except my hand was still on her arm, and without realizing it, I’d stepped closer. My free hand rose of its own accord to smooth back a few strands of her hair. God, it was just as soft and sleek as I’d always imagined.

  That’s enough, Sydney. Abort! Abort! I was veering into dangerous territory, and I had to stop touching her right now. This was a terrible idea because… why, again?

  There was a beautiful woman in front of me, and she was looking at me like I’d hung the moon. I was still vaguely aware of her being off-limits, but with my brain short-circuiting, I couldn’t quite remember why.

  The abuse, Sydney. The power differential. She was going to start dating again eventually, though, so why shouldn’t it be with me? I wasn’t her professor anymore – there was no power differential. Clearly there was chemistry between us…

  Shaking my head, I took a step back, my hand falling limply from her arm. “You can stay if you want to,” I said quietly. “We can hang out, watch a movie.”

  “Oh.” Her bottom lip trembled. “I just thought…”

  “I know, Lora, but I…” Oh, fuck it. “Come here.”

  I reached for her, and she moved willingly into my arms. There was a last moment of hesitation, both of us looking into each other’s eyes as if to confirm this was really, truly going to happen. Then she leaned toward me, and I leaned toward her, and our lips were melding together as if they should’ve never been apart.

  Her arms slid around my waist, pulling me closer, and my fingers raked through her hair. She sucked my bottom lip, then the upper one. Her tongue brushed against mine, and my knees went weak.

  With the way my mind was spinning, I couldn’t even think straight. Nothing else in the world mattered besides her and me. Nothing else even existed. All I knew was that I’d been waiting a long time for this, and that now that we were here, it felt so perfectly right.

  Except that it was wrong. The nagging feeling wouldn’t let me go, and I jerked away from her with a groan.

  I couldn’t do this, no matter how good it felt. I’d lost sight of that for a second, and obviously we had chemistry, but that didn’t make it the right thing to do. There were too many reasons that it was a terrible idea. I was cutting this off here and now – for Lora’s sake, not for mine.

  “I’m sorry.” My voice was shaky, an
d I couldn’t meet Lora’s eyes. “I think you should actually go.”

  Twenty-One – Lora

  “Well, I got through Valentine’s Day,” I told Virginia, stroking her fluffy white fur. “I didn’t go back to Chantel. In fact, there were a few minutes when I didn’t even think about her.” Namely, the minutes when I’d been kissing Sydney.

  I collapsed onto my bed, bringing the small cat with me. For once, she didn’t protest – just let me plop her onto my lap.

  Keeping my hands on her, I tensed up at the memory. “I might’ve lost the best thing in my life,” I told her. “I don’t know why I went in for the kiss.” Sydney had been leaning in, too, but if I hadn’t closed the distance, it wouldn’t have happened.

  “She kicked me out,” I said. “I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that.”

  Apparently tired of my chatter, Virginia stood up and lazily stretched. She hopped down from the bed and headed for her food bowl, where she munched a single kibble before lying down and immediately falling asleep again.

  “Well, you’re a great listener,” I mumbled in her general direction.

  I rubbed a hand across my forehead, wishing I had someone to talk to. For the last few months, my main confidante had been Sydney. Clearly I couldn’t turn to her this time.

  I’d never thought anything would happen between us, and then when it had, I was on top of the world. We’d fit so beautifully together, her lips lighting my nerves on fire, her body pressed up close to mine. She had to have some kind of interest in me… but she’d tossed me out, and I still couldn’t understand why.

  I was pretty sure I hadn’t done anything wrong. It was possible that I had bad breath, but I felt like the reason was deeper. Sydney had gotten spooked by either our age difference or the fact of who she was to me. If I were to guess, it was the latter.

  And what could I do about that? If the potential chemistry between us had been killed when she helped free me from an abusive relationship, I could understand that. On the other hand, if she did want to date me but just felt strange about it, maybe I could work with that.