A Secret of the Heart (Amish Secrets--Book 3)

by J. E. B. Spredemann

  “Goodbye, Tommy.”

  Lillianna clicked the phone off and dove into her pillow. What now, God?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Lillianna didn’t know how she was going to do it or what she would say, but Candace had to know she was expecting a baby. She wouldn’t be able to hide it much longer as her dresses were already becoming too tight.

  She’d tucked the children into bed nearly a half hour ago, so they were most likely sleeping. Lillianna took a deep breath and went to face Candace. Of course, Clay had already known for months.

  Lillianna approached the couch where Candace sat reading a book. Clay sat on a recliner reading the paper. This arrangement seemed to be a nightly occurrence.

  “I thought I needed to tell you. I’m expecting a baby,” Lillianna admitted.

  “A baby? You’re pregnant?” Candace’s mouth hung open.

  “Jah.” She twisted her hands together in front of her abdomen.

  Clay spoke up, “Who’s the father?”

  She looked at Clay in disbelief. He knew very well who the father was. Why would he ask such a question and in front of his wife?

  “Is it Thomas?” Candace asked.

  Lillianna shook her head.

  “Oh, I see. So you don’t even know whose baby it is.” Clay looked on her with contempt.

  “Clay, leave her alone.”

  “No, Candace. This is our home. She can’t be bringing strange men over here while we’re gone.” Clay raised his eyebrows. “What is your Thomas going to say about this?”

  Lillianna shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “You should get rid of it.”

  Candace gasped. “Clay, how could you say such a thing? That’s not your decision to make.”

  “This is our house.” He turned to his wife and gestured toward Lillianna. “If she’s not going to do something about that illegitimate child, I think she needs to go. We can’t have her setting a bad example for our children, Candace.”

  “But, the money...”

  He thrust two fingers in her direction. “You should have thought of that before you hopped into bed with...” –he threw his hands up– “…who knows who. Do you honestly think Thomas will still want you when he finds out that you’ve been sleeping around?”

  Of all the nerve! Lillianna wanted to scream. How could this wretched man say such things when he was the one to blame? Her eyes filled with tears.

  “Clay, I think we need to discuss this before we make any hasty decisions,” his wife attempted to reason. She looked at Lillianna sympathetically. “We...we can adopt the child.”

  “We’ll do no such thing!” Clay insisted.

  The last thing Lillianna desired was to leave this baby in Clay’s home.

  “You’ll give the baby up for adoption, then,” Clay stated matter-of-factly.

  “Clay, that’s her decision to make, not ours,” Candace gently reminded. She turned to Lillianna. “Thank you for letting us know.”

  Lillianna nodded, then hurried back up to her room where she could pour her heart out to God once again.

  <><><>

  “If you’re going to insist on having this baby, I insist that you put it up for adoption,” Clay demanded.

  “Why?” Lillianna frowned and rubbed her expanding belly.

  “I can’t believe you’re asking me why. You’re much smarter than that, Lilly. You know as well as I do that if you keep that baby, people will ask questions.”

  “I won’t lie.”

  Clay laughed out loud. “You won’t have to if you give the baby away. I can find a good family for it.”

  “What if I want to keep it?”

  “No.”

  “You can’t make me give it away.”

  “Yes, I can.” His eyes warned.

  “If you do, I’ll tell Candace.”

  “She’d never believe you over me. And if she does, I’ll tell her you seduced me.”

  “I’m keeping the baby.”

  Clay threw up his hands in defeat. There was no sense in arguing with a senseless woman. Besides, he had in mind to put the baby up for adoption anyway. “Okay. You keep the child if you want; I will have nothing to do with it. But I promise you this, Lillianna. If you ever tell anyone the truth of what happened between us, I will see to it that the baby doesn’t survive. It doesn’t matter where you are. I swear, I will find you and you will never see that child again.”

  She stared back into Clay’s stone-cold eyes. Oh, how she loathed this wicked man.

  “Do I make myself clear?”

  Lillianna quickly looked away, but he grasped her chin and forced her to look at him again.

  “I said, do I make myself clear?”

  Lillianna briefly nodded.

  “Good. We have an understanding.” Clay scratched his head. “You know, you’d be wise to reconsider.” His eyes pierced hers one last time before he trudged out the door.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Thomas could scarcely believe he’d been in Mexico for ten months. They told him that some patients had a longer healing period than others, as was his case. Usually, if the patient had previously undergone chemotherapy, as he had, their healing took longer than someone whose body hadn’t been damaged by the drug. If Thomas had known about this before, he could have skipped the chemo altogether and he’d have been well a long time ago. But, he surmised, the doctors couldn’t tell him what they didn’t know.

  He took a couple of pairs of pants and packed them into his luggage bag. Boy, was he ready to see Lil! He couldn’t wait to kiss her lips and tell her they could have their happily ever after now. Well, as soon as she finished working for Congressman Stevenson.

  The telephone beside his bed rang and he snatched up the receiver. “Lil?”

  “Ach, nee, Thomas. This is Rhoda,” a timid female voice said.

  Thomas frowned. “Rhoda? What’s going on? Why are you calling me here?”

  “It’s Simon, he’s been in an accident.” His distraught sister sobbed.

  “What happened?”

  “His tractor tipped over and crushed his legs. Can you come home, Thomas? I need you here. It will be too much for me to have to care for Simon and the kinner. We have our two little ones, with another one on the way. Will you take our brieder and schweschdern?”

  “What about Katie?”

  “She has a new little one and is already having a time of it. I don’t think Ira would like to take them in. He’s not the patient type.”

  Thomas rubbed his forehead. “Uh…I don’t know. I mean, let me call you back. I need to talk to Lillianna first.”

  “I will wait here at the shanty for you to call me back,” Rhoda said.

  “Okay.”

  Thomas hung up the phone and ran a hand through his hair. Life sure did present some challenges at times. What about him and Lillianna getting married? When would that take place now? The doctor had given him a clean bill of health just yesterday and said his treatments were complete. As long as he kept eating as they’d prescribed, his cancer should not return.

  Lillianna still had a couple of months left to work for the congressman, so she would not be able to leave yet.

  Thomas dialed Lillianna’s phone number and listened to it ring about ten times. Not now! It looked like he’d have to make this decision on his own. He dialed Rhoda’s phone number and she quickly picked up.

  “Okay, it’ll take me about a week, but I’ll be there. I’m going to swing by where Lillianna is working then I’ll come right away,” he informed his sister.

  “Gut, Thomas. Denki.”

  <><><>

  Lillianna wiped the sweat from her brow and took two quick, labored breaths.

  “That’s right, Lilly. You can do this,” Candace coaxed.

  She glanced up at the doctor again, hating the fact that he was watching this whole process. Lillianna would’ve much more preferred their Amish midwife. It still would’ve been awkward, but at least she was female.

&n
bsp; Another labor pain seized her abdomen, stealing her breath away. When would this be over? A hundred thoughts swirled in her head, but her main concern was giving this boppli up to someone else. A stranger. Giving a child away went against everything she’d ever been taught and believed. Conceived in rape or not, she didn’t know if she could do it. Yet, Clay had said the adoptive parents would be coming for the baby tomorrow. They would have been here sooner, had they known she’d go into labor four weeks early. But who could predict these things? How did she let him talk her into this?

  Oh no! “I…I need to go to the bathroom.” Lillianna looked up at Candace with pleading eyes. If she didn’t go right now, she’d be in trouble.

  “That’s the baby coming,” Candace assured. “Do you feel like you need to push?”

  Lillianna nodded desperately.

  “Go ahead. Anytime you’re ready,” the doctor said.

  Lillianna grasped the sheet that covered her body, leaned forward, and pushed with all her might. She fell back on her pillow exhausted.

  “That’s all right, you’re doing great,” Candace said, stroking her arm.

  Lillianna pushed for ten more minutes. She didn’t know if she had the stamina to do this anymore.

  “Come on, you’re almost there. I see the head crowning,” the doctor urged.

  She nodded at the doctor then looked to Candace, thankful this kind woman was at her side.

  “You can do it, Lillianna. Trust me, I’ve done it twice.” Candace smiled, offering reassurance.

  Lillianna had gained a new appreciation for the many Amish women she knew with ten and twelve children. How did they do this so many times?

  A few moments later, Lillianna watched as the doctor held a tiny dark-haired baby girl. The baby let out a healthy cry and Lillianna’s heart ached. How could she give this precious little one to a complete stranger? The nurses took the baby and cleaned her up, then put her into a plexi-glass cradle to be wheeled off to the nursery.

  “Wait! Please, let me hold her,” Lillianna begged.

  The nurse shrugged and brought the baby to Lillianna. She was sure if Clay or Candace hadn’t left, that they’d insist on her not seeing or holding the baby. But she had to. She couldn’t give the baby up without at least gazing upon her once. The nurse left, giving her the privacy she desired.

  Lillianna examined every precious inch of this sweet infant. She wished she could name her. A tear slipped down her cheek as reality set in.

  Help me, God. My heart is torn. As I gaze upon this beautiful angel in my arms, my emotions are all ferhoodled. I desire with all my heart and soul to keep this precious one. I want to love her all of my days. I long to hold her tight when she's afraid, to nurse her back to health when she is sick, to kiss away the pain when she is hurt. But I'll never be able to do any of those things. I know I will forever live with the regret of this moment. Help me through this. Please, help us both.

  The baby became restless and began to suck on her fingers. She let out a wail and Lillianna instinctively put the baby to her breast. She gently fingered the baby’s fine hair and placed a kiss on her forehead. This felt so natural, so right.

  “What are you doing?” Clay stomped in.

  “She’s hungry.”

  Clay snatched the baby up. “No. You can’t do this. You’re putting her up for adoption.”

  Lillianna shook her head. “I don’t want to. I want to keep her.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not keeping her.” The baby cried, but Clay didn’t attempt to calm her.

  Lillianna reached for the baby, but he refused to give the baby to her. “Why not? I’m her mother. I can raise her better than anyone can. I love her.”

  “Oh, really? And tell me how you plan to support her.”

  “Thomas and I are getting married.”

  Clay roared with a sarcastic chuckle. “You are living in a fairytale world. Do you really believe Thomas is going to raise another man’s baby? Wake up, Lillianna. No man would ever do that.”

  Tears filled Lillianna’s eyes. What if Clay’s words were true?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Thomas couldn’t tamper the spring in his step or the thrill in his heart. His pulse quickened with every step he took, knowing he’d be seeing his soon-to-be wife within seconds. As much as he’d wanted to see her the moment he’d returned, he forced himself to stop at Tyrone’s to take a shower and shave. He’d rented a car in San Diego and drove practically non-stop.

  He called the landlord for a rental property in Pennsylvania yesterday to be sure their home would be available. Now that he was cancer-free and feeling better than he had as a teenager, he had plenty of strength and energy to begin working again. By his calculations, they would have enough money saved up within two years’ time to put a decent down-payment on their own home. And by then, they’d hopefully have a little one on the way. He was certain Lillianna wouldn’t mind that he’d agreed to care for his siblings. Besides, it was more than likely to be only temporary.

  Thomas made his way up the magnificent drive, located on the east side of the home. Each of the two driveways was decorated with an ornate fountain and ornamental topiaries. He stood for a second and marveled at the congressman’s fancy house, amazed that his fiancée had the privilege of working in such an estate. No doubt Lillianna had gotten spoiled living in the lap of luxury for nearly a year. Feelings of insecurity and inadequacy surged in his gut. Hopefully she wouldn’t be disappointed with the little cottage Thomas had chosen as their temporary dwelling place.

  He pushed the button for the doorbell and waited for what seemed like centuries. In reality, it was less than a minute.

  “Tommy?” Lillianna’s eyes widened.

  Boy, was she a sight for sore eyes. “I’m done, Lil. I’m whole.”

  “That…that’s great!” Had Lil hesitated before embracing him? She didn’t exactly portray the excitement he was feeling. It seemed…forced.

  Thomas pulled Lillianna close and breathed in the scent of her hair. Oh, it felt so good to hold her in his arms again. He moved to give her the kiss he’d been dreaming about since he’d left. She allowed a brief kiss, then quickly turned her cheek, to his disappointment. Perhaps she didn’t feel this was the proper place.

  “Where’s everybody at?”

  “Uh, Candace took the children to the park. I think Clay is in his office.”

  Why did Lil seem nervous? She certainly wasn’t acting normal.

  “Did I hear a baby?” His eyes brightened and he looked past her.

  A momentary frown flashed across Lillianna’s face. “Uh…jah. She was napping.”

  “I didn’t even know Clay’s wife was expecting. May I see the baby?”

  Lillianna nodded.

  Thomas followed as Lillianna led the way to a bedroom. They climbed the carpeted spiral staircase, holding onto the thick mahogany rail. “Wow, this place is nicer than I’d realized.”

  Lillianna remained quiet.

  Thomas couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling he was experiencing. It was almost as though he and Lil were strangers. No mind, they simply needed more time together to get reacquainted and rekindle their mutual passion for one another.

  When Lillianna opened the bedroom door, the baby began crying more. She rushed to the little one and swept her up into her arms. “Shh…there now. I’m here.”

  “The baby sleeps in your room?” His brow raised.

  She nodded.

  Thomas moved close. When he saw the small bundle, he remembered the birth of his youngest siblings and joy swelled in his heart. With any luck, it wouldn’t be too long before he and Lil had one of their own. “She’s adorable. May I hold her?”

  Lillianna handed the infant to him.

  He held the baby away from his chest. “Well, let me look at you.” As his eyes roamed over the little one, he marveled at how wonderful a new life was. He focused on the baby’s tiny hands, feet, and face. He glanced at Lillianna, then back at the baby. He f
rowned. “The baby looks a little like you. That’s odd.” He studied the infant at length, puzzled at what his eyes beheld. She certainly did resemble Lil.

  Lillianna swallowed.

  “Thomas,” a male voice echoed from the bedroom door. “We didn’t realize you’d be back so soon.”

  Thomas turned to see Congressman Stevenson. “I wanted it to be a surprise for Lil.”

  “Lil, huh? That’s cute.” A look passed between the congressman and Lillianna. Did they share a secret or some sort of inside joke?

  Thomas frowned. He looked back down at the baby’s face. Her distinct cheek bones and jaw seemed to resemble the congressman’s. No one is home except Lillianna and the congressman. Lil is acting nervous; her countenance seems – he glanced at Lil – guilty? What was going on here?

  “Thomas is through with his treatments. He’s all better now,” Lillianna said, her voice light and airy, and obviously fake.

  Thomas attempted to focus on the conversation, but another voice seemed to drown out their words. This baby is Lillianna’s. He handed the baby back to Lillianna.

  “What’s going on here, Lil?” Thomas demanded.

  Lillianna laid the baby in the cradle. “What do you mean?” she whispered. Instead of making eye contact, her eyes focused on a dresser drawer.

  He may have been born on a Saturday, but it wasn’t last Saturday. “Don’t you dare ask me what I mean! You know good and well what I’m talking about. Why does the baby look like you? And him?” His eyes pierced the congressman’s. “That baby is yours, isn’t it?”

  Lillianna resembled a deer caught in the headlights. “Tommy, I–”

  “He found us out, Lil,” the congressman said with a slight smirk.

  “The article was true,” Thomas spat out in disgust.