The House Swap: An absolutely hilarious feel-good romance

by Jo Lovett

  Dina walked over to him with her arms held out. No choice but to give her a hug and say a lot of effusive hellos.

  ‘And I don’t need to introduce you, of course,’ she said, inviting Cassie over with a big smile and nod of her head. It felt odd, because, of the two of them, while Dina was the one James had spent more actual, physical time with, Cassie was the one he felt like he knew better. Which was ridiculous. He didn’t. He’d partied with Dina, played cards with her, drunk tea with her, chatted to her. He’d had a fair few conversations with Cassie and had lived in her house, but was that enough to get to know someone?

  ‘Yes.’ Cassie sounded unusually clipped and her smile seemed strained. Not that he was an expert on what her smile normally looked like. ‘Hi, James.’

  ‘Evening.’ For whatever reason, this did not feel like an easy situation. He pulled his shirt cuff back and checked his watch. ‘I should go and get Laura. I’ll see you both soon, when I have the birthday girl safely here.’

  Cassie seemed to relax slightly. ‘I can’t wait to see her.’

  ‘Ask her to tell you about when I went round earlier in the week,’ James said. ‘She was a good ten or twelve feet up a tree holding onto the trunk with one hand, trying to prune some branches with the other.’

  ‘Oh my goodness,’ Cassie said. ‘Incorrigible. So dangerous. You have to admire her, though.’

  ‘You do.’ James nodded. ‘I think we all need to aspire to being like her when we’re eighty. Right. I’m going. I’ll see you later.’

  He hadn’t bargained for how long it would take Laura to find her shoes, put them on (shoe horn required; but where was the shoe horn?), change her shoes (shoe horn required again; at least they didn’t have to look for it this time), change her shoes back, decide on which coat she needed even though it was a very balmy evening, and finally consent to getting into the car.

  She’d wanted to walk and had been remarkably stubborn all week in the face of much pressure, including Dina telling her, with all her usual subtlety, that they didn’t need her to fracture a hip on the way. Eventually, Dina had called in the big guns, Cassie, and she’d managed to persuade Laura over the phone. Neither Laura nor Cassie had divulged what Cassie had said but James had been pretty sure it had been the same kind of seductive Glaswegian-accented, simultaneously sarcastic but soft-voiced persuasion that had had him visiting neighbours, hosting parties, agreeing that of course he didn’t really want to buy her land from her and so on.

  Pretty much everyone else seemed already to have arrived by the time he and Laura made it into the marquee. James immediately cast his eye around the place to look for Cassie. For Laura’s sake, obviously. Not on his own account.

  Maybe a little on his own account. He really wanted to talk to her some more and he really wanted to know why her smile had seemed so strained earlier. He was pretty sure she was normally upbeat and it didn’t really seem right for her to be miserable.

  She was in the middle of a big group of islanders, laughing, her face alight. Okay. She clearly wasn’t miserable. He must have imagined it. And there’d be no reason for the two of them to talk this evening, because she’d be wanting to catch up with all her friends.

  ‘Hey, I brought you another beer. Thought you could do with one. Your hand’s been empty for a while.’ Dina’s voice had gone full-on sultry.

  ‘That’s really kind, but I’m good, thanks.’ James gave her his best non-committal smile. ‘I’m going to drive Laura home later. And someone needs to look out for all the rest of you because I’m getting the sense that not everyone’s on the wagon tonight.’

  ‘Boring.’ Dina pouted.

  Not boring. Wise. When alcoholism was probably in your genes, you’d be stupid not to be careful around drink.

  She put both the glasses she’d been holding down on the nearest table and took his hands. ‘Let’s dance.’

  James did not need a misunderstanding, especially in a small community like this, where he was going to be living for another two months, and where he suspected he might like to return for holidays. Dina was showing all the signs of a woman who’d happily end the evening doing something very intimate with him. And since he thought of her as a friend now and she’d mentioned a few times recently that she was keen to settle down, and there was no way he was settling down, he was absolutely not going there.

  The same two-man band that had been playing at Amy’s party had just struck up a slow dance. ‘Good idea,’ he said. ‘We should get everyone onto the dance floor.’ He took Dina’s hand and boogied across the tent with her, side by side, in a – frankly somewhat peculiar, but satisfyingly un-intimate – manoeuvre, inviting every single person he saw to join them as he went.

  It was a remarkably successful move. By the time they’d done a circuit of the marquee, he had at least half the guests who were under eighty dancing, and apparently inspired by the dancing, the band had switched to a much more up-tempo song.

  Clapping his hands energetically above his head with everyone else, anything to escape any one-on-one Dina-sultriness, James wondered where Cassie was. He’d thought they’d scooped her up into their dancing group but now he couldn’t see her anywhere.

  Finally he saw her, over in the corner by the bar, drinking by herself. She looked strained again. He wasn’t close enough to see her face, but her shoulders were both a little stooped and a little rigid. Not a comfortable look.

  He clapped himself all the way round the edge of the group until he got to Cassie.

  ‘You okay?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, thank you, fine.’ She tipped her head back and emptied her glass. White wine. ‘Totally fine.’ She leaned over the bar and said, ‘Todd, could I get another of these?’

  ‘Sure.’ Todd got a clean glass out for her. ‘Give me a minute. Gonna have to open a new bottle for you.’

  ‘That is not a problem.’ Cassie slumped slightly against the bar. ‘Todd. Have I told you that you’re a very nice man?’

  ‘Why, thank you.’ Todd looked a little too pleased with that compliment.

  ‘Could I get a large glass of water?’ James asked.

  ‘Sure.’

  Todd handed Cassie her glass and she made to walk away.

  ‘Wait for me?’ James said to her, while Todd filled his water glass.

  ‘Okay. Fine.’ Cassie took a step backwards, turned her ankle and spilled some wine on the floor. ‘Owww. Oh, no, s’okay. Doesn’t actually hurt.’ That would be the anaesthetising properties of alcohol.

  ‘Come on.’ James took her elbow and walked with her towards the marquee entrance. He was pretty sure that she wouldn’t want to stay this drunk. ‘Why don’t we get some fresh air?’ Hopefully a combination of a lot of water and the cool evening air would sober her up. She wouldn’t want to miss the rest of Laura’s party. They hadn’t even done the cake yet, and, if he said it himself, that was going to be a good moment.

  ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘You know what, James?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Everyone keeps telling me that they love you. People like fishing with you. They like talking to you. They like shooting pool with you. All sorts. They’re pleased to have met you. They wouldn’t have met you if I hadn’t left. It’s unflattering.’

  ‘They do miss you. They keep telling me they do. Plus rumour has it that my neighbours like you, and I don’t even know my neighbours,’ he told her.

  ‘Oh yes.’ She stumbled. ‘That is a very, very good point. You must be very, very clever.’

  James steered her round the side of the marquee a little way. ‘Come and sit on this wall with me for a moment?’ he said. ‘Maybe look at the stars?’

  ‘Look at the stars?’ Cassie hiccupped. ‘Are you the kind of person who looks at stars?’

  ‘You know, I actually am.’ He knew that he was smiling at her. He really didn’t know why. He hated drunkenness. ‘Let me take your glass.’

  ‘One more sip first.’ She pulled it away from him and it spilled. Really not a
bad thing. ‘James. We’ve made a mess on the grass.’

  ‘Yeah. Drink some water.’

  ‘The water’s nice actually.’

  ‘Drink more of it.’

  ‘Are you trying to get me un-drunk? Because I can be drunk if I want to. And I’ll tell you why.’ She turned and prodded him in the chest. ‘I can be drunk because I’m not pregnant. I’m un-pregnant. I’m very very very un-pregnant. Not pregnant at all.’ She hiccupped again.

  Should he say anything? This felt like a minefield. Had she met someone in London? Dina had definitely told him that Cassie was single, and he’d assumed from his conversation with her mother that she was. Plus, if she did have a partner, what had that been in the kitchen earlier?

  ‘I like your shoes, James.’

  ‘Thank you. I like your shoes too.’

  ‘I like your shirt too.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Oh, God,’ Cassie moaned. They’d been sitting there for a good half hour pretty much stargazing and she was clearly a lot more sober now. Not sober-sober, but not do-stupidly-dangerous-things-drunk any more. ‘Sorry. I had too much to drink.’

  ‘No need to apologise. It happens. Are you okay?’

  ‘Yeah. No.’ She paused. James waited, sensing she had more to say. ‘I know I was waffling about not being pregnant. Basically…’ She was staring at the ground. ‘Basically, I had IVF with a donor sperm while I was in London, and I found out last weekend that it didn’t work.’

  God. And, okay, so the kitchen moment hadn’t been so bad.

  ‘Cassie. That’s huge. I’m so sorry.’ Should he ask her any questions about it?

  ‘Thank you. I’m sorry for being drunk on you.’

  ‘Hey. You haven’t been drunk on me. I mean, a little bit, but my choice. I saw you at the bar and I was worried about you, so I came over to see you. Totally my choice.’

  ‘Well, hey yourself.’ Cassie nudged him. ‘Very nice of you to be worried about the pain-in-the-arse, nagging house swappee.’

  ‘Did I say that?’

  ‘Yes, pretty much, but quite a few weeks ago.’

  James nodded. ‘You’ve grown on me since then.’

  ‘Like fungus?’

  ‘No. Like something quite nice.’ He thought for a moment. ‘Nope, I can’t describe it.’

  ‘You’ve grown on me too,’ Cassie said.

  ‘Well, thank you.’

  ‘Do you only talk to me because you want to buy my land?’

  ‘No.’ That answer had required no thought because it was the truth. ‘I admit that initially it was my reason but now I just like talking to you. I know we aren’t going to be doing business and here I am, still talking.’

  ‘I’m very pleased about that.’

  ‘Me too.’

  They sat and looked at the stars again.

  ‘Are you going to be okay?’ James had to ask. It didn’t feel right just to abandon the IVF topic, however difficult it was to know what to say. It felt like he’d be belittling her experience if he didn’t show some interest. ‘Are you going to do it again?’ Was that a shockingly insensitive question? ‘Obviously don’t answer that if you’d rather not.’

  ‘I don’t know. I think so. Probably. I’m thirty-seven. Not a spring chicken. I decided to go it alone because, well, you know, as you do, basically because of a shitty ex. I’d love to have two children. I mean, I’d love to have a lot of children, but two would be amazing. One would be amazing.’ She sniffed. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Hey. Don’t say sorry.’ James wondered if the shitty ex was shittier than Richie from the christening, the sperm-donating father-of-seven. How would Richie react if any of those kids came looking for him when they were eighteen? Having a baby on your own was a big decision. It was hard, too hard for some women, like his own mother. Cassie was strong though. That was obvious. She sniffed again. ‘You’re going to be okay,’ he said, ‘whatever happens.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  He looked down at her. He was pretty sure she was crying. Yes, she was. He put his right arm round her as gently as he could and with his left thumb wiped away the tears he could see. ‘You really will be.’

  She gave a big gulping sound and he gathered her against his chest while she cried.

  Was it wrong that he was enjoying holding her? Definitely. She was upset, for God’s sake. He should absolutely not be registering how well she fitted into his arms. He kept his head up, resisting the urge to bury his face in her hair, and looked into the darkness.

  ‘Oh my God,’ she said eventually, pulling her head back. ‘Honestly. Truly pathetic. That’s the second time I’ve cried on someone in one day. I bawled all over Dina earlier. And in your case there’s going to be mascara on your shirt.’

  ‘Not pathetic. Totally understandable.’ He squeezed her shoulders and she looked up at him. She was beautiful in the moonlight.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I’m going to apologise one last time.’

  ‘And I’m going to refuse to accept that apology one last time because you have nothing to apologise for.’

  ‘Okay. Thank you. I’m not normally this pathetic, honest. It brought back some difficult memories.’

  ‘I’m so sorry.’ He really didn’t know what else to say. Ask what those memories were? Definitely not. But ignore what she’d just said? No; he couldn’t do that either.

  ‘I lost a baby a few years ago. I was five months pregnant.’ Her voice wavered.

  How truly awful. No wonder she was upset today.

  ‘That’s terrible.’ James squeezed her shoulders again. It felt like a ridiculously small gesture in the face of something so huge. ‘I think you’re being remarkably brave.’

  ‘I don’t feel brave.’

  ‘Are you kidding? Doing all of it by yourself? So brave.’

  ‘Thank you.’ From her voice it sounded as though she’d managed a smile. ‘It actually feels good to say it out loud, a bit of a sharing of the burden. I mean, I’m not going to go back in there and stand on a table and shout it out to everyone, but a little bit of talking is a good thing. Sorry that you were the victim.’

  ‘Ha. Really not a victim. I’m honoured that you chose to tell me.’ He hugged her again and then pointed upwards. ‘Shooting stars. That’s got to be lucky. How often do you see that?’

  ‘To be honest, I think we’re lucky just seeing the stars at all. And I feel very lucky to live here and to have done a house swap into such an amazing flat and, actually, as it turns out, with a lovely person, and now I’m definitely sober enough to realise that I’m sounding hideously schmaltzy, so I think we should go inside and help Laura cut her cake.’ Her neck as she looked up at the sky was so elegant. James took his arm away from her shoulders. For a moment of insanity he’d wanted to trace the line of her neck and her collarbone with his finger. So inappropriate.

  ‘Good point,’ he said. Definitely time to go inside. James squinted at the luminous tips of his watch hands. ‘Yep. We said we were going to cut it at eleven o’clock, didn’t we, and it’s quarter to now.’ He stood up, held his hand out for Cassie and hauled her to her feet.

  ‘Crikey,’ she said. ‘When the alcohol’s worn off a bit you realise that it’s quite cold.’

  James opened his mouth to say that he could warm her up and then shut it again because that would sound really off. Especially since he wasn’t wearing a jacket, so the only way to warm her would be to hug her. He held his arm out. ‘Come on. Let’s get you inside. It’s a lot warmer in there.’

  ‘Woah,’ Cassie said. It was lucky for her that she’d been holding his arm because her shoes clearly weren’t made for walking across fields. This one had a particularly large number of small mounds dotted around.

  ‘You okay?’ he asked. ‘Did you hurt your ankle?’

  ‘Nope, all good. Thank you. Embarrassing. Like we’re making a habit of you catching me.’ She looked up at him and smiled. And it was like the moment in the kitchen all over again. For no good reason at a
ll, he really wanted to kiss her. They were standing looking at each other, not speaking. He could so easily slide one arm round her waist, pull her softness in towards him, maybe put his other hand in her hair, cup her cheek. He could still remember how her skin had felt when he’d wiped her tears away.

  Her lips were slightly parted. Oh, God, she was moistening them with her tongue. And now she was starting to smile a little.

  He took a little step towards her.

  And what was he thinking? How ridiculously complicated would it be to start something with the woman he’d swapped properties with? Who knew really far too much about his life. And yet also absolutely nothing about his background. And who was currently gutted because her fertility treatment hadn’t worked out and understandably grieving for the loss of her baby. And who’d had a lot to drink earlier in the evening.

  He took a step backwards.

  ‘Cake-cutting time soon.’ His voice sounded embarrassingly hoarse.

  ‘You’re right.’ And Cassie’s sounded very fake bright and breezy. ‘And it’s cold. We should go inside.’ She pulled her arm out of his. ‘Pretty sure I’ll be okay. It’s flatter on this bit. Thank you.’

  ‘Pleasure,’ he said. Still sounding hoarse.

  What an idiot.

  Eighteen

  Cassie

  It was a good job that the clouds had moved away from the moon. Cassie really didn’t want to trip over again and land pressed up against James. Just now, she’d been so ready to kiss him. It had seemed so inevitable that something would happen that she’d almost made the first move herself. And then he’d taken a big step away from her.

  Hopefully he hadn’t realised that she was so keen. Or hopefully, if he had realised, he’d put it down to the serious amounts of wine she’d knocked back earlier.

  Woah, nearly tripped. She needed to walk very carefully. Staying upright was totally doable. She just had to place her feet one in front of the other very precisely, and feel around to make sure that she didn’t hit any surprise bumps on the ground. Right foot out. Ball of the foot on the ground, follow it with the heel, put her weight on. And then with the left foot. And back to the right. Easy.