The House Swap: An absolutely hilarious feel-good romance

by Jo Lovett

  ‘Honestly, it was a lot of fun. I should thank you.’

  A little snuffle came over the baby monitor. Cute. The snuffle turned into a little cry, which was no surprise to Cassie; Sammy was clearly not a good sleeper.

  ‘I’ll go,’ Angela said. ‘We must have disturbed him when we came in.’

  ‘I’m going to get going,’ Cassie said. ‘Great to see all three of you and I’m so glad that you enjoyed the show.’

  ‘I have a bottle of wine for you for now and I have another something coming for you, which should arrive in a couple days’ time.’

  ‘Honestly, there was no need. But thank you. I love the label.’

  ‘Hey. I’d be taking advantage otherwise.’ Hilarious, given that Jennifer was very ready to take advantage of a lot of people in a professional environment.

  The cab arrived quickly. Cassie sat down in the back and took a lovely deep breath. She was genuinely worn out. Every time she’d relaxed, Sammy had woken up. The evening had been a strange mix of her heart cracking at the gorgeousness of him, loving the cuddles, clapping with him and laughing with him as they played together, and worry that he ought to be asleep. And all the nappy changes, of course. She hadn’t totally loved dealing with Sammy’s dirty nappies but he’d laughed so much at the faces she’d pulled and the nursery rhymes she’d sung while he was on his changing mat that she’d ended up in stitches too. There weren’t many sounds better than a baby giggling away.

  She looked out of the window at the trees on Barnes Common. Such a wonderful place to bring a child up.

  Not as good as the island, though. Now that would be a great place to bring a child up.

  She nodded to herself. Yep. There was no question. Even if she was hopeless at getting him to sleep, she had loved every minute with Sammy. She now knew more than ever that she wanted to try again at least once more to have a baby of her own. Not in London again, though. Yes, it would be really awkward having to book a hotel room and go down to Boston at the drop of a hat, and London with the hospital on her doorstep had been way more convenient, but if it all went wrong again, she’d rather be at home. She wanted her friends nearby.

  Why did James pop into her head when she thought about friends?

  Nineteen

  James

  James was going to have to phone Cassie. Hopefully she wouldn’t be in bed yet.

  ‘Hi, James.’ She sounded pleased to hear from him.

  ‘Hello. You sound wide awake so I’m hoping that this isn’t too late to call.’

  ‘Nope, all good, not in bed yet. I’ve just got home after babysitting my agent’s baby.’

  ‘How was it? I’m not the biggest fan of babysitting, if I’m honest.’

  ‘I actually really enjoyed it. Although I’m knackered now. He took a long time to get to sleep. But no, I had a good time. He was gorgeous. Emotionally, it was a great thing to do. I’ve avoided being around babies for the past few years, but it was fine. I coped. I more than coped. I had a lovely evening. It made me realise that you should confront your phobias, or maybe slay your demons, more often. Anyway, I’m waffling. How are you?’

  ‘Not waffling and what you say makes a lot of sense.’ It did. Maybe James should consider attempting to slay some of his own demons. ‘I’m good except I’m worried about Fred. He hasn’t been himself for the past couple of days. I just wanted to talk things through with you before I call the vet again.’

  ‘Oh my goodness. What’s happened to him?’

  ‘He just doesn’t seem right. The vet already checked him out today and couldn’t find anything wrong. But I know him.’

  Was he, James, really saying these things? Mad.

  Twenty minutes later he was standing next to Fred holding his phone out to Fred’s ear with the volume on high while Cassie crooned to him.

  ‘No way,’ he said to Cassie after she’d eventually croon-shouted to him that there was a limit to how long she could phone-monologue to an alpaca and could they maybe stop. ‘He looks happier. I’m pretty sure he’s been missing you. He’s wandered off now and is chomping away. He’s been quite off his food.’

  ‘I’m ridiculously flattered,’ Cassie said. ‘Also ridiculously amused about how much of an animal-lover you’ve become.’

  ‘I know.’ James nodded even though she couldn’t see him. ‘It’s like some kind of reality show experience. Swap lives with someone and see if you become more like them.’

  ‘You’re right. And generally whether you learn stuff about yourself. During my reality show experience, I’ve slain one demon and I might confront my other one. Plus, if I’m honest, I’ve learned not to judge a book by its cover.’

  ‘I’m not going to ask what your other demon is but I’m here if you’d like to tell me. I am going to ask if I’m the book you judged.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Ha. I might have judged you a little too.’

  ‘So what’s your reality show transformation been? If you’d like to say?’

  ‘Really just being open to stuff. I mean, when I made the sudden decision to do the swap it didn’t enter my head that I’d live like this. I thought I’d carry on like I live in London, but here. No interaction with neighbours, no alpaca and chicken feeding, no fishing. No poker. But it’s been great. I genuinely think I’m a nicer person.’

  ‘Wow. On behalf of my house and the island I’m going to say, “You’re welcome”.’

  ‘It isn’t just the house and the island. It’s you too. Leading by example. Anyway, I think this conversation’s getting a little sappy, so I’m going to thank you and leave you, but I might need to call you again very soon, maybe tomorrow, so that you can give Fred another pep talk.’

  Old James would have been on the verge of vomiting from a chat like that. New James just put his phone in his pocket, gave the alpacas some sugar beet shred, dodged some spit and carried on back to the house.

  Maybe he should tackle some of his own demons. Specifically, his father and sister.

  That evening, one beer, three games of poker and about twenty dollars down, he came to a sudden decision.

  ‘Guys, I’m going to shoot,’ he told the others. ‘Something I’ve got to do this evening. I’ll see you next Tuesday.’ He’d miss poker when he got back to London. Maybe he’d try to find a similar group there.

  ‘You’d better prepare to lose big next week.’ Laura was gathering up piles of chips. She really was a seriously good player. James needed to practise more.

  An hour later, he leaned back in Cassie’s uber-comfortable desk chair, rolled his shoulders and flexed his fingers. He was going to do this. He was going to send both emails. Demon slaying.

  To: Dougie Finegan

  From: James Grey

  Subject: Relationship

  Dougie,

  We both know that you’re my father.

  My mother died nine months ago and you have not mentioned her death to me.

  My sister died five years ago and you have not mentioned her death to me.

  In the five years since Leonie died you have asked me for money eleven times.

  I’m not going to give you any money.

  If you’d like to attempt a father/ son rather than investee/ investor relationship, I’d be happy to talk.

  Otherwise, we should probably call it quits.

  Best,

  James

  He pressed Send. Good.

  The next one was going to be harder to write. It meant more.

  To: Ella Marshall

  From: James Grey

  Subject: Hi

  Hey Sis,

  I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I haven’t been around much recently. Would you and the kids like to come to London for a weekend sometime soon?

  James x

  He pressed Send. Wow.

  The email to his father would likely only result in a possible reduction in requests for money. The one to Ella might be the first step in re-building a proper relationship with his older sister.

/>   ‘Hi, Cass.’

  ‘Fred chat time?’

  ‘Yep.’ It was the third day running. Fred had been moping like nobody’s business. Understandable. James missed Cassie too and he barely knew her, nor had she been feeding him treats every day most of his life. ‘Question. How long have you had the alpacas and how old are they?’

  ‘Donna’s four, Maisie three and Fred two. I got them as babies and fed them initially from a bottle.’

  James could imagine her doing that. She’d have a similar expression of concentration to the one she’d had when he’d seen her chatting to them.

  ‘How’s your day been?’ he asked when she’d finished giving Fred his pep talk for the afternoon.

  She told him about a visit to the London Dungeon – she’d wanted to check whether her characters could feasibly get trapped in there overnight – and then asked him how his own day had been.

  He hesitated for a moment and then suddenly decided to take the plunge. Confide in her a little. ‘Following on from our conversation the other day, I wrote a couple of big emails to family members on Sunday. I haven’t been properly in touch with my sister for a while and I invited her to come and stay when I get back to London. I heard back from her today and we’ve set a date.’

  ‘Wow, that’s great. What… happened? If you want to say?’

  ‘Nothing serious. You know, just life. We just drifted apart.’ Turned out that there was only so much soul-baring he could manage in one conversation.

  Cassie waited for a second, maybe to see if he had more to say, and then said, ‘I’m going to address my other big thing. I’m going to go to Glasgow for the weekend. I left soon after I had the miscarriage, and I haven’t been able to face going back because of the memories. It’s been four years. I’m going to go just before we swap back.’

  ‘Wow. Congratulations on taking that step. That’s huge.’ He’d had no idea that she had any of that going on in her head. Funny how they knew so much about how the other lived and a fair amount about their current lives but so little about their backgrounds. Well, not that unusual when it came to him. He generally didn’t tell people stuff.

  ‘Fred’s looking good today. The girls too. And all the chicks. Basically, I’m a farming genius.’ James settled in on the tree stump he often sat on when he was talking to Cassie about the animals.

  ‘Be honest. Fred’s stopped missing me, hasn’t he?’

  ‘Yep. He’s shockingly fickle.’ It was true. There was no need for James to call Cassie every afternoon any more, but it was what they did now, every day, even if it was just a few words. They’d been doing it for several weeks. He liked their chats, and he was pretty sure she did too. They’d fallen into a habit of taking it in turns to call each other and neither of them ever made an excuse; and he suspected that Cassie made sure she was free for the call every day, like he did. ‘So what’ve you been doing today? Did you get your draft to Jennifer?’

  ‘I did, thank goodness.’

  ‘How’s the plan going for the next one?’ So restrained on his part. He really wanted to know what books she wrote. Why didn’t she want to tell anyone her pen name? Did she really write extreme erotica, not kids’ books? Had she written something so famous that people would be beating down her door if they knew who she was?

  Cassie laughed. ‘You really want to know my pen name, don’t you?’

  ‘Well, obviously yes.’

  ‘Okay. Promise you’ll never tell anyone.’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘It’s going to mean nothing to you. Milly Moore.’ That did mean nothing to him. So disappointing. For a moment he’d genuinely been expecting to hear her say a name as famous as Enid Blyton or J.K. Rowling.

  ‘Cool,’ he said. ‘Very interesting.’

  ‘Yep, I knew you’d never have heard of me. You might have heard of a couple of my characters.’

  ‘Probably,’ he said. Of course he wouldn’t have. Not having been a big reader as a child he hadn’t heard of any characters other than Harry Potter, Stig of the Dump and… that was about it. He couldn’t think of any others off the top of his head.

  ‘The MacDuff Twins.’

  No way.

  ‘No way. What, the ones in the TV series? Which are on US TV as well as UK TV? That all adults including even me have heard of. Wait, they’re from books?’

  Good God. She had to have made an absolute fortune from those if her agent was remotely competent.

  ‘Yep. And that’s why I don’t tell anyone my pen name, because I don’t want people putting two and two together and beating down my door. Though, actually, I didn’t tell anyone to start off with because I didn’t want my ex to be able to get in touch with me, and then when we did the TV deal, it turned out to have been a very good thing.’

  ‘Wow.’

  Cassie laughed. ‘I enjoyed that. You were totally expecting not to have heard of my characters, weren’t you?’

  ‘I was. I was wondering whether or not I was going to fake recognition, to be polite.’ He really wanted to ask more about the ex, but baby steps with the revelations.

  ‘Confessions for a rainy day,’ Cassie said.

  ‘It isn’t rainy here. We have blue skies and a bright sun. I’m wearing shorts and sunglasses.’

  ‘Lucky. So what have you been up to?’

  ‘Work. Went for a swim. I’m playing poker with the guys and Laura this evening. She’ll fleece us.’ He squashed a sudden urge, from nowhere, to talk to Cassie about Ella. ‘And I’m going to eat another of your freezer meals. I’m thinking another portion of the hashweh. That’s seriously delicious.’

  They talked for ages, about nothing, until James realised that he was going to be late for poker if he didn’t go.

  ‘Thank you, all of you. I’m genuinely choking up a little.’ Incredible, against all his initial expectations and impressions, that he’d be sad to be leaving the island the day after tomorrow. ‘This is a great place and you’re great people, and six months ago I really wouldn’t have believed that I’d have felt so attached to being here. I’ll be back.’ James finished his best Arnie-as-Terminator impression amid cheers and whistles, and leaped down from the table he’d been standing on.

  ‘Another beer?’ Dina asked.

  ‘I’m good, thanks.’ James indicated his glass of water.

  ‘You’re very good at staying sober,’ she slurred.

  James nodded. She was right. He really was.

  ‘Can I talk to you?’ She had a hand on his forearm and was sliding it up.

  He moved a little away from her and said, ‘Sure,’ in his most off-putting voice.

  She wasn’t put off. ‘Could we go outside?’ They were in the village hall’s function room.

  ‘Yeah, sure. Or maybe into this corner.’ He walked over to a table set apart from everyone else but in full view of the room, and sat down at one of the two chairs there. Dina followed him over and sat down on the other chair, pulling it closer.

  ‘Here’s the thing,’ she said. ‘I really like you.’ Okay. Excruciating.

  ‘I’m going to leap in right there,’ he said. ‘I could be completely mis-reading the situation but I get the impression that you might be looking for a relationship. I’m the opposite. I’m really not looking for one. You know. That’s part of the reason I came here. Romantic relationships really aren’t for me. I really don’t want one. For various reasons.’

  ‘What are those reasons?’ She was still slurring and still sitting too close to him. He was so not going there. He didn’t talk about this with anyone and he couldn’t really imagine anyone he would like to talk to about it. Certainly not Dina. He didn’t feel any kind of deep connection with her. Which was a good thing. An image of Cassie sitting next to him on the wall in the field came into his head. And another of watching Fred while Cassie talked to him. Maybe there was someone he could talk to. Although he wasn’t going to.

  ‘They are… complicated.’ What to say? He just wanted this conversation to be
over. And when she was sober tomorrow, if she remembered this, she wouldn’t be happy. ‘It’s basically a genuine case of “It isn’t you, it’s me”. I like this song.’ He didn’t. Some kind of rap was blaring out of the speaker and he really wasn’t a fan. ‘Want to dance again?’

  ‘How would you feel about a one-night-only thing?’ Dina was practically sitting on his lap now. James shook his head and started to stand up.

  ‘I’m really flattered, I really am, but I feel that we have a great friendship – we do from my side, anyway – and I really wouldn’t want to ruin that.’ And there was another image of Cassie in his head now. Standing in the field together, under the stars. He shook his head. ‘Come on. Let’s dance.’ He stood up fully, held his hand out to Dina, pulled her off her chair and led her over right into the middle of a group of people jumping up and down, still to the same ear-splitting rap.

  On the upside, he’d managed not to have to say a bald No. And he’d managed not to go outside with her. On the downside, he did really like her as a friend and that had been awkward.

  ‘Dance with me, James?’ Laura leaned her sticks against the wall and held out a hand to him. The rap song had finally finished and a much easier-on-the-ear, slower one had come on. ‘There’s still life in the old girl.’

  ‘I’d be honoured,’ James told her.

  The rest of the evening was a blast.

  The next day he had a lot to do.

  ‘Morning, Dina.’ She was in her back garden hanging up sheets. ‘Great evening last night. I thought I’d just catch up about the animals and their feed. I probably won’t have time to speak tomorrow morning because I’m leaving early. Call me someone who Cassie’s had too much of an influence on, but I’ve made some notes for you.’