The House Swap: An absolutely hilarious feel-good romance

by Jo Lovett

  Oh. Okay. Yep.

  They weren’t anywhere near as long as the ones she’d left for him at the beginning of the swap.

  Of course she shouldn’t have expected him to have read them all straight off.

  She was going to save these and read them this evening, when she got into bed.

  He had great handwriting. At a guess, if an expert analysed it, they’d say he was very strong-minded, purposeful, pretty goddamn sexy, in fact.

  She put the kettle on and opened the cupboard where she kept the tea. Wow. Someone had restocked it.

  She opened the fridge and there was a large note in James’s handwriting. Look in the freezer.

  She opened the freezer door and saw that every drawer was full.

  She pulled open the one that was just below her eye level. Everything in there was labelled in James’s writing. Soda bread. Carrot cake. Cookies.

  The next one down was shop-bought soups.

  The one below that was portions of lasagne, which looked home-made.

  Wow.

  She was so glad that she’d done the house swap with James. It had certainly been valuable from a work perspective; she’d achieved even more than she’d hoped with regard to writing the London series and was well into her second book now. And even more importantly, it had been great from a personal perspective. She’d done her first round of IVF, which was a huge achievement, she’d been back to Glasgow and would now have the courage to go whenever she wanted to, and she’d made some wonderful new friends.

  Particularly James. He’d morphed from one of the most annoying people she’d ever met into someone who she adored.

  Twenty-One

  James

  ‘You’re doing what?’ Matt leaned his golf club against his bag and stared at James. ‘Mate. You’re having your neighbours over for dinner? And you’re cooking for them? It’s like you’ve been on some self-discovery retreat or something.’

  ‘I know. I barely recognise myself,’ James said. ‘I’m also having Ella and her family to stay for the weekend in two weeks’ time.’ He’d never confided fully in Matt about his family – he was a great friend but it was too hard to explain his own family set-up to someone from a solid background with sober, together, caring parents – but Matt did know that James and Ella didn’t see each other a lot. ‘I was thinking I could maybe get you all over for Sunday lunch. With them. With the kids.’

  ‘Wow. Mate. We’d love to.’ Matt nudged the ball onto the tee and looked up. ‘Would you cook the lunch yourself?’

  ‘Yes, I think I would.’

  ‘Wow.’ Matt took a swing. ‘I’ll bring a takeaway menu as a backup. Just in case.’

  ‘Thank you so much for inviting us. This has been such a wonderful weekend. You’re a super popular uncle.’ Ella smiled at James. They were walking together in Hyde Park while Ella’s husband Patrick ran ahead with their eight-year-old twin daughters. ‘It’s a mark of how little time that we’ve spent together in recent years that I was gobsmacked when we got back and you’d baked with the girls.’ In the end, James had bottled inviting his friends to meet his family, and had instead suggested that he look after the girls to allow Ella and Patrick to go out for a relaxed lunch, just the two of them, and they’d jumped at the chance. ‘I didn’t think you did that any more.’ She hesitated for a moment, and then continued. ‘You used to bake with Leonie.’

  ‘Yeah,’ James said. Oh God. Choking up.

  ‘Do you…?’ Ella cleared her throat and then said nothing. She stopped walking and said, ‘Could we sit on this bench for a moment?’

  ‘Sure,’ said James, not pleased. She was blatantly going to carry on talking about Leonie. This was why he’d avoided Ella so much for so long.

  Ella sat down at one end of the bench. He sat down at the other. He sensed her turn to face him. He carried on staring straight ahead.

  ‘I totally get that you don’t want to talk about Leonie,’ she said. ‘I have talked about her, to Patrick and to some of my closest friends. It helped. But I understand why you wouldn’t want to and I respect that. I want you to know that I respect that and that if you and I start to see each other more regularly again I will not try to talk about her. I think we could acknowledge she existed, like for example just now mentioning about how you used to bake with her and how cute—’ her voice wobbled ‘—she was when she wore her apron and stood on the chair next to you. But we don’t have to talk about her if you don’t want to and we never have to talk about the rest of it. Ever, if you don’t want to. But, James, we’ve both lost one sibling, and our mother. We don’t have to lose each other. We could do this again. When we were young, we were together against the world. I’ve missed you.’

  James stared straight ahead of him at two squirrels playing together. Rats with tails. If he told Cassie he thought that, she’d probably get annoyed.

  ‘I saw red squirrels over the summer,’ he said eventually. ‘In Maine. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a red squirrel in London.’ He carried on watching them for a while and then looked round at Ella. ‘I don’t think I can talk about Leonie but I’d like to spend more time together,’ he said. ‘I’ve missed you too.’

  She shuffled along the bench a bit and reached her hand out towards him. He took it and squeezed, hard.

  ‘Love you, sis,’ he said. He had a lump the size of a boulder in his throat.

  ‘Me too,’ she said. She took her hand out of his and wiped under her eyes with her fingers. ‘Sorry. Getting sentimental in my old age.’

  They sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

  Then Ella said, ‘So what made you invite us for the weekend? If you don’t mind me asking.’

  James didn’t mind her asking, in fact so much so that he was going to give her a straight answer, with almost full information.

  ‘At the risk of sounding as sentimental as my older sister—’ he smiled at her ‘—my few months in Maine had quite an effect on me. Different pace of life. I was bored at the beginning, to the extent that I decided I might as well spend time with the neighbours. It’s a very neighbourly place. And, you know, the animals.’ He’d shown his nieces, Daisy and Lottie, more videos of the alpacas and chickens this afternoon. They’d adored watching them. Daisy had immediately decided that she was no longer a horse but an alpaca and had stopped galloping around the flat, a relief, and instead had started trying to extend her neck and twitching her face, which would definitely get annoying quickly if you lived with her. ‘It all just made me think, I suppose.’

  Cassie had made him think, too, if he was honest, but he wasn’t going to mention her because Ella might misinterpret what he said and think he was interested in Cassie romantically. Ella and Patrick had met at medical school and had got married when they were twenty-five and had the girls when they were twenty-nine. James was pretty sure that Ella would like him to settle down too. But he wasn’t like her. Their mother had always said that she didn’t know who Ella’s father was, and, given that she’d contacted both James’s father and Leonie’s and had done her best – however limited that was – to assist them to develop relationships with their fathers, it seemed likely that she really hadn’t known who he was. It also seemed likely, to James, that Ella’s remarkably steady temperament had come from her father. It certainly hadn’t come from their mother.

  James knew that both his parents were incapable of great relationships, his father because he was an arse, and his mother because she’d been an addict, so it didn’t seem likely that he himself would be a great candidate for a long-term relationship. Or being a good father. So he wasn’t going to go down either route. But no point ever mentioning that to Ella because it would just upset her. People who were happily loved up usually seemed to think that everyone else around them would be better off if they were loved up too.

  ‘Well, I’m grateful then to your Maine trip,’ said Ella into the silence, ‘because this has been great. Thank you. Would you come and stay with us for a weekend soon? The girls
and Patrick and I would all love to see you.’

  James nodded. ‘I’d like that.’ He genuinely would.

  ‘Hi, Cassie.’ He hadn’t spoken to her over the weekend while Ella and Patrick and the girls were staying. He’d told her before they came that he probably wouldn’t be able to chat. Really, they should probably stop talking so regularly. Although there was always a lot to say. ‘How was your weekend?’

  ‘It was lovely. We had our annual pumpkin festival and, drum roll please, I won the “best oddly shaped pumpkin” prize.’

  ‘I’m impressed. I must also be a new person or mad because I genuinely think that sounds like fun.’

  When James had finished telling Cassie about his weekend, she said, ‘So I have a question for you. My big meetings with my editor and the TV company are next Thursday and Friday, so I’ll be in London for a long weekend, and I wondered if you’d like to meet on Saturday and come with me to the exhibition that Jennifer gave me tickets to for my thank-you-for-babysitting present?’

  ‘That would be great.’ No thought required. ‘Where are you staying?’

  ‘I’m not sure yet. A hotel somewhere.’

  ‘Why don’t you stay here?’ Now that he’d started having guests, why not? It seemed a little ridiculous having two en-suite spare rooms that never got used.

  ‘Oh, no, I didn’t mean for you to invite me.’

  ‘I know you didn’t. But it would make sense, wouldn’t it? You know your way around London from here. You know your way around the flat itself. It’s central. I’d be very happy to have you. And no pressure to spend the entire weekend with me. I mean, just use it as your base as you did when you were living here, and if you have any spare time we can just hang out a little? And the neighbours would love to see you. If you have a spare evening we could ask them if they’re free for dinner?’

  ‘Okay. Well, that’s a lovely and generous offer and I’d love to.’

  James felt himself smile. He was already looking forward to seeing her.

  Twenty-Two

  Cassie

  Woah. Cassie pressed the red button on her phone and tried hard to stop grinning. So she was going to stay with James while she was in London. Woah. If she was honest – which she wasn’t going to be with anyone except herself – how exciting. And unnerving, because, again being honest – and again only secretly – she really liked him.

  Like she hadn’t liked anyone for a really long time.

  Since Simon.

  In fact, she liked James a lot more than she’d ever liked Simon. She and James had great, lengthy, satisfying conversations. They were friends.

  She needed to do some serious online shopping immediately – it was a good job that the Wi-Fi worked now. She needed some good nightwear. If there was even the smallest possibility of bumping into James at night – and, yes, all his bedrooms had en-suites, but what if there was a fire – she needed to be wearing something a lot better than small pyjama shorts and a huge Friends T-shirt.

  ‘How’s Amy doing at college?’ Cassie leaned back so that she could see the stars better above the trees surrounding Dina’s garden, and took another sip of her coffee. ‘And how are you coping now she’s been gone a few weeks?’

  ‘I’ve got to be honest, it’s hard. I know that you live alone and you’re cool with that, but I never saw myself alone, you know? And she’s just great company. But you don’t want to hold your kids back. She’s having the best time. And I’m just going to go and visit a lot, you know, “Hi, honey, I just happened to be passing, because you’re only a ferry ride and a seven-hour car journey away. Why don’t I take you out for dinner? And if you’re willing to speak to me, I will do all your laundry and buy you a lot of food.” You know, your typical stalker mom.’

  ‘I can imagine that it must be so hard.’ Cassie pulled their blanket closer round them – it was seriously chilly this evening – and hugged Dina.

  ‘Thank you.’ Dina squeezed her back. ‘And, since I’m sharing, I’m kind of feeling lonely on the man front too. It felt like now might be a good time to meet someone, now that Amy’s hit eighteen. I spent far too much of the summer trying to chase James. I offered myself on a plate. And he really wasn’t interested. And really, he isn’t exactly right for me. I mean, he’s great. He’s gorgeous, obviously. He’s a nice person. He’s funny. But there wasn’t really a spark. There’d be other people each of us would gel with more.’ Yup. Cassie and James definitely gelled. ‘For whatever reason, I can’t really imagine sleeping with him. So I need to move on and find someone else. That does not mean, obviously, that when James turns up here on holiday next year with a gorgeous blonde in tow I won’t hate her.’

  Cassie nodded. She was pretty sure that she’d hate any gorgeous girlfriend of James’s – blonde or not – too.

  But sheesh. Two things. One, was it awkward to mention to Dina that she’d agreed to go and see James when she was in London? Not just agreed, she was looking forward to seeing him. And she was going to be staying with him. Definitely awkward. Especially since she hadn’t mentioned their daily evening phone chats. And two, what if James already had a new partner and introduced Cassie to her? No, he probably didn’t have a girlfriend yet, because if he did it would be a bit odd to be inviting another relatively new female friend to stay.

  That thought should not be making her feel this relieved.

  ‘What are you thinking about?’ Dina asked. It clearly wasn’t a secret that Cassie was going to stay with James, but it felt like it would be better to mention it another time.

  ‘Just about the constellations,’ Cassie told her. ‘I love Orion.’ That was the only one she could reliably spot. Funny how James had much better knowledge about constellations than she had, even though he’d spent his entire life living in London.

  ‘Good morning.’ Henry was double-taking like nobody’s business, with some serious side-to-side eye action. ‘I think I just saw Mr Grey this morning?’

  ‘Yep. I’m just in London for the weekend. I’m staying with him.’

  ‘Oh, okay.’ Henry bent down and picked one of her cases up. ‘Makes sense. For some reason I thought you wouldn’t be here at the same time.’

  ‘No, we’re friends,’ Cassie said. They were. It was nice. She indicated the case. ‘Thank you so much but I think James is on his way down so we can probably manage the cases between us in one go.’

  And the door to the lift pinged open and James stepped out.

  Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.

  He was wearing faded jeans and a navy T-shirt, and, if you liked your men smiling, tall, blond and handsome, then he’d be exactly the man for you. Cassie’s heart was beating far too fast for good health and she definitely had an alpaca-style inane smile on her face. Apparently she liked her men the way he was.

  ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Good journey?’

  ‘Not bad, thank you.’ She was still standing stock-still. He reached her and leaned down for an air-kiss, except she leaned a bit at the same time, so they brushed cheeks. Such a tingle. It felt like there should be some schmaltzy music in the background.

  ‘So how does it feel to be back?’ he asked her as they got into the lift together. During the entire six months that she’d been here she hadn’t noticed that the lift was this small. She’d definitely been in it with other people at times, and it had seemed more than big enough for two. You could actually get three people in here. But right now, it felt like she and James were standing unusually close together, a bit awkwardly close. She could see the contours of his chest through his T-shirt and the blond hairs on his forearms. Where should she be looking? Down? Up? Straight ahead? At him? She was going to stare straight ahead. Although the lift doors were mirrored, so now she had the choice of watching herself trying not to watch him, or just watching him. He was watching her now, and smiling. She smiled back. Yep. Inane.

  He’d asked her a question.

  ‘Um, good,’ she said. Totally out of words.

  Finally, the lift st
opped and the doors started to open. It took ages for them to get out because they both waited for the other to go first, until Cassie said, ‘Thank you,’ and moved ahead of James and then hung back awkwardly until he was out; and then they walked along the corridor together.

  Space-wise, it was less awkward inside the flat once they’d negotiated some backwards and forwards round each other through the door and in the hall.

  ‘You got new sofas,’ Cassie said.

  ‘Yeah. Once I got used to the comfortable ones at your house, I realised that I could do a lot better here. Substance, not just style. They were delivered on Tuesday. They have excellent squish.’

  ‘Cool. I’m going to look forward to snuggling into one of them.’

  There was an awkward silence. Why had she used the word snuggle? You sat on or sank onto sofas and neither of those sounded so… odd, really. Or possibly innuendo-laden.

  ‘Great.’ James walked over to the door that led off the sitting room onto the bedroom hallway. ‘I’ll put your case straight in your bedroom.’ He’d chosen the one closest to the sitting room, which was the one further from his room.

  ‘Thank you.’ Cassie should take the opportunity to pull herself together. ‘I might just pop in there and have a shower and get changed if that’s okay. I always feel a bit grimy after a long journey.’

  ‘Good plan,’ he said. ‘There’s a towel on the bed, and I have croissants for you whenever you’re ready.’ Honestly. First the word snuggle had done all sorts to her, and now she was thinking smutty things about towels. A long journey, no sleep and seeing someone who you fancied the pants off were a bad combination.