Ballsy

by Sean Ashcroft

  While he waited for a response, he glanced back at the email.

  The last line caught his eye.

  By the way, I was looking Sam up to figure out why his name sounded familiar, and I found something I think you should see. This is in Italian, but Google Translate is good enough to get the gist.

  Then there was a link to what sounded like an Italian newspaper. Ben clicked on it, curiosity getting the better of him.

  “I haven’t got any pictures with me, so you’ll have to take it on faith,” Sam responded, pacing the room again.

  Ben didn’t mind the pacing, normally—Sam was a man who paced, he’d never been good at standing still—but it was making him feel guilty right now.

  Not that there was anything he could do about it. Other couples would be settling in and talking about their day or having much-needed heart-to-heart talks.

  Probably all things he and Sam should have been doing, but not things Ben was quite ready to pour the necessary emotional energy into. Not yet, anyway.

  Besides, he had no idea where to start. He’d done the obvious part already, the rest… the rest would take time. They both needed to figure out exactly how they felt before they could talk about it, and Ben hadn’t made any headway there.

  The picture that illustrated the article—a destroyed motorcycle and an equally damaged car—didn’t bode well.

  Ben almost asked Sam to translate—since that would give him something to do—but hesitated. If this article was about Sam, then maybe it was better not to bring it up.

  Instead, he hit the prompt to translate it. What he got back wasn’t exactly orthodox English, but as Eliot had said, it was good enough to get the idea.

  From the first line, Ben’s stomach dropped.

  This was about Sam. This was about Sam crashing a motorcycle, a little over four months ago. His passenger had been the son of a local billionaire, who…

  Well, at least he’d survived. It was hard to tell based on the translation, but it seemed as though he’d actually walked away relatively unscathed.

  Sam had gone to intensive care, and there was no more information than that.

  It did explain the recent-looking scar on his face. Based on the seriousness of the crash, that probably wasn’t the worst of it.

  Ben suddenly felt like an asshole for not asking, but then, if Sam wanted to talk about it, he would have brought it up. This was information Ben probably shouldn’t have had, no matter how important it seemed.

  Eliot had been trying to do the right thing, but Ben wished now that he didn’t know. Sam absolutely wouldn’t have wanted Ben’s pity, but it was hard not to feel a little sorry for him now.

  “You’ve gone quiet,” Sam said, startling Ben out of his thoughts.

  “Uh. Email from Eliot. He’s stuck and asking for advice,” Ben said. That was true, it just wasn’t why he’d gone quiet.

  “Well, based on the people starting to hang around outside, you might wanna change before we go out to this mystery activity. Dress code seems to be jeans and t-shirts.”

  Ben looked over at Sam, at the long-sleeved Henley he was wearing, and wondered what the sleeves were hiding. It was too hot for them, and Sam had always loved the sun.

  Not that Ben cared, exactly. He cared that Sam had been hurt, that he was probably still recovering, but Sam didn’t need to hide from him.

  Sam also didn’t have any reason to think that, though. They were still getting used to each other again.

  “I’ll change,” Ben said, leaning over to dig through his bag. He hadn’t bothered to hang anything up yet, promising himself he’d do it later. He knew he probably wouldn’t.

  “I’ll give you some privacy.” Sam headed for the door.

  “Don’t leave on my account.” Ben kicked off his shoes, putting his phone aside. “It’ll look weird if we show up separately, anyway. Besides, it’s not like I have anything you haven’t seen before.”

  If Sam was going to get comfortable around him, he’d have to be comfortable around Sam, too. It wasn’t as though neither of them had been in a locker room before.

  He’d never been naked in front of Sam before, but there was a first time for everything, and besides, Sam wasn’t going to stare. If nothing else, Ben could trust Sam with his boundaries.

  That thought only made him feel worse for reading the article. He felt as though he’d been snooping, and while that was in his nature, he tried not to do it to friends. Not to Sam.

  It was too late now to take it back, though. He couldn’t just forget what he knew.

  “Okay.” Sam stopped, pacing back to the window again. “These guys look… uh. Fun.”

  Based on Sam’s tone, Ben assumed they looked the opposite of fun. Not that he’d expected any different.

  Ben chuckled, his guilt momentarily forgotten. If Sam ever found out, he’d forgive him. If he didn’t, then there was no harm done.

  He glanced over at the crowd, half of whom were wearing huge dark sunglasses as though they were afraid of being recognized. On first glance, Ben didn’t recognize any of them. The place was exclusive, but it wasn’t A-list celebrity exclusive.

  Even if it had been, he probably wouldn’t have recognized anyone.

  Eliot would have murdered him in his sleep if he’d been sent on this assignment. He could handle anything, but he would have hated every minute of this.

  With Sam around, though, Ben was starting to feel as though this was just like old times.

  Chapter Nine

  “So this first activity is really designed to get your blood pumping,” Annie explained, standing at the head of the group.

  They’d walked for about ten minutes, out into the forest that surrounded the retreat—and was probably part of the grounds, Sam figured. Now, they were standing in front of a cliff face—maybe ten yards high—that was set up for…

  “Rock climbing!” Annie enthused.

  Sam leaned in close to whisper to Ben. “Remember when you were joking about trust falls?”

  Ben swallowed audibly.

  He was afraid of heights.

  That hadn’t stopped him climbing a few chain-link fences in his day, but he wasn’t the kind of man who enjoyed, for example, taking the elevator up to the top floor of an unfinished building and standing on the open edge to look out over the city beyond.

  Sam had learned that the hard way, and never completely forgiven himself for freaking Ben out the way he had that time when he took the blindfold off. It had seemed like a romantic gesture, a chance for Sam to finally say something about how he felt, how much he wanted to be with Ben.

  Ben screaming and running away, cursing his name, had kind of ruined the moment.

  At least it hadn’t been Sam’s own cowardice and fear of rejection ruining the moment that time.

  “I remember,” Ben said, looking up at the top of the cliff.

  It really wasn’t that far—Sam had climbed much further in his time with much less safety equipment—but to Ben, it was probably the equivalent of being asked to bungee jump off the Golden Gate bridge.

  As they listened to the instructions, Sam could feel Ben getting increasingly tense next to him.

  “I can pretend to be sick,” Sam offered, keeping his voice low.

  Ben sighed. “No. I volunteered for this stupid assignment, I really should give it my best.”

  “No one’s ever gonna know,” Sam said.

  “I will.” Ben hesitated, then looked up at the cliff face again. “Besides, you won’t let me fall.”

  “Of course not,” Sam responded. He didn’t need to explain to Ben that the harness was actually what wasn’t going to let him fall. Based on the setup, Sam didn’t have much to do at all except hold the rope while Ben climbed. Maybe shout advice, although he knew Ben would kill him if he did that.

  “Okay, so, I’ll be fine.” Ben took another deep breath. Sam was starting to get the impression that he was more interested in convincing himself than anyone else.

 
“Seriously, you don’t have to,” Sam tried one last time. Ben didn’t need to freak himself out for a dumb sponsored piece, no matter what his pride was telling him. It was okay to be afraid of things.

  “And yet, I’m going to.” Ben cleared his throat. “But I’m going first.”

  Despite knowing Ben would be fine, that this was completely safe, Sam was still nervous. As he strapped his own harness on and watched Ben get help from Robert, his stomach knotted up.

  Ben didn’t look happy about the help, either, but he accepted it without grumbling too much. He was obviously nervous, but Sam knew him well enough to know that he’d do anything for his job.

  Anyone who didn’t know what an asset he was to have around was an idiot. Sending him off to do something this stupid was an insult to his skills.

  Sam understood why he was doing it. Ben had explained to him that it was either lose his fledgling project or do this, more or less. That didn’t mean he had to put this much effort into it.

  That was Ben, though. He wasn’t the kind of man who did half a job.

  “Last chance to back out,” Sam said as Ben clipped his harness in place.

  “There’s no time like the present to confront one of your most deep-seated fears.” Ben smiled wryly. “I’ll be okay.”

  Ben would be okay. He was stronger than he gave himself credit for.

  Sam told himself that as he backed away, watching Ben look for his first hand holds. It was an easy climb for someone who knew what they were doing, someone who was used to this kind of thing, but Ben was…

  Well, he objected to having to run unless he was being chased. Sometimes even when he was being chased.

  They’d been chased by angry people enough times in their life that Sam knew Ben would much prefer to duck into an alleyway than try to escape someone on foot. He clearly kept himself fit, probably because he walked everywhere, but outdoor activities were about as far from his thing as it was possible to get.

  “You’re doing great,” Sam called out as Ben got off the ground. It seemed like the kind of thing couples did, and they were supposed to be a couple.

  Sam’s instincts told him to shout to Ben about how nice the view was—and it was, climbing was doing amazing things for the way Ben’s ass looked—but fear of Ben murdering him later kept him from doing it.

  Instead, he just quietly filed that particular visual away in the back of his mind.

  Other couples were shouting back and forth at each other, the people on the ground offering advice, the people climbing shouting back that they knew what they were doing. Cries of why are you always like this? filled the air.

  Sam could see why most of them were there.

  Ben was doing surprisingly well for a first time, correcting mistakes just before he made them, not afraid to step back down a level to find a better hand hold. He’d rolled up his sleeves, and Sam found himself distracted by the obvious strength in his forearms.

  It was hard to ignore the fact that if anything, Ben was more attractive now than he ever had been. Experience looked good on him.

  Not that he was old. Neither of them were. But they were older than the last time they’d seen each other, and Ben had weathered a whole lot better than Sam had. His sharp angles had softened out.

  “Nearly at the top,” Sam called out, intending to encourage but realizing a moment later that Ben probably didn’t want to think about how high off the ground he was. All the same, Ben didn’t pause. Instead, he sped up.

  Sam couldn’t have been prouder of him. He knew Ben was doing this for what seemed like all the wrong reasons, but he was still doing it. That was awesome.

  The sigh of relief when Ben put his hand on the top of the cliff was visible, his shoulders rising and falling even with his arms extended well over his head. On the ground, Sam sighed the same sigh.

  Ben was fine. Now he just had to get back down.

  “You’re not gonna fall,” Sam called up. Ben nodded in acknowledgement, and took a few moments to catch his breath.

  The trip back down was a lot more awkward, Ben refusing to let the rope take his weight and instead insisting on climbing step-by-step. Sam could see why he didn’t want to do it, but it was the hardest possible way to get back to the ground.

  To Sam’s horror, about halfway down, Ben’s foot slipped on one of the holds, leaving him dangling for a heart-wrenching moment. Sam held the rope tight, his pulse pounding in his ears as Ben scrambled to grab the wall again.

  He was gripping it before Sam could even shout up at him, but it had been a terrifying handful of seconds.

  Though Sam knew Ben was never in any real danger, and he couldn’t have done anything to prevent it, he would never have forgiven himself if Ben fell. He was supposed to be watching, and helping.

  His heart rate didn’t start slowing until Ben was a foot off the ground, readying himself to jump down. Sam stood behind him, eager to see him on solid earth again as soon as possible.

  Ben jumped down, immediately overbalanced, twirled around as his foot caught on a rock again, and crashed directly into Sam’s chest.

  Shit.

  Sam’s pulse pounded in his ears as he caught Ben, stumbling back a few steps at the sudden impact. He could feel Ben’s whole body heaving, shallow breaths leaving him on the verge of hyperventilating.

  Of course. He’d just faced his biggest fear for a solid fifteen minutes, and then he’d fallen at the last second. Sam would have been panicking, too.

  “You’re okay,” Sam said, not wanting to make too big a deal out of it. Ben would have been embarrassed by anything more than the quiet reminder, and he was probably already embarrassed enough.

  Ben took a deeper, fuller breath and leaned back a little, but not so far that Sam felt the need to let go of him.

  They were so close right now. Sam could feel Ben’s breath on his cheek. He could have turned his head, just a tiny bit, and their lips would have connected. He could smell the freshness of Ben’s aftershave, almost feel the stubble on his jawline.

  Sam’s stomach swooped as he realized he could kiss Ben, right here, right now. It would barely take any effort, just a tilt of his head. Just a little burst of courage, just enough to put himself out there, press his lips into Ben’s, whisper that he loved him, that he’d always loved him, that he wanted him now and forever.

  His heart rate sped up again, the thought making him blush. Every millisecond felt like an eternity, knowing that he’d only have to make the smallest of moves, knowing that if he was a braver man, he would have.

  But then, Ben couldn’t reject him right now. Not in front of all these people. Not if he wanted them to believe they were together.

  That wouldn’t be fair.

  Sam had wanted to kiss Ben since the day they met, but this wasn’t the moment to do it. No matter how much the thought made him ache to do it. No matter how much the faint brush of Ben’s hair made his skin tingle.

  Sam swallowed as Ben finally broke his hold, taking a half-step back for some much-needed air.

  Ben looked flustered, but it was impossible to know whether it was because he’d been thinking along the same lines, or if it was just because of his climb and fall.

  “Nice job,” Sam said, smiling the brightest smile he could manage. Hopefully, Ben wouldn’t see right through him just now. Ben had always had a weird blindspot when it came to Sam’s feelings for him. If Sam was lucky, that would hold.

  “Thanks,” Ben said, his voice rough and low.

  “My turn.” Sam reached out to clip his harness to the guide rope. He needed to get away. His skin felt tight and uncomfortable, the overwhelming sensation of being that close to Ben putting all his senses on high alert.

  Ben smelled of lemon, and herbs, and peppermint toothpaste. His hair was impossibly soft. His body was warm, warmer than Sam had expected, even in the heat of the day.

  He was solid, and real, and not entirely like Sam remembered, but still perfect. Still Ben.

  Still the love
of Sam’s life, less than a foot away, but so far he might as well have been on another planet.

  It was all too much.

  Instead of dwelling on it, Sam marched over to the wall, adjusted his harness again, and started climbing with determination. This was much better than thinking about the way his heart had jumped into his throat as he caught Ben, about how much he wanted to hold him.

  Working out his feelings by doing something physically demanding was kind of a theme of Sam’s life. It had kept him very, very fit, and he didn’t intend to stop anytime soon. The ten-yard climb was a lot less scary than the thought of owning up to how he felt.

  A ten-mile climb would have felt less scary right now.

  He couldn’t afford to give himself away when rejection meant being stuck with a rift between them all weekend. There was no way he could handle that.

  It was better to keep his mouth shut, like he always had done, and appreciate Ben’s company for what it was.

  Chapter Ten

  No matter how much he tried, Ben couldn’t get Sam out of his head.

  Specifically, being so close to Sam that he could smell his aftershave—a fresh, bright scent that he wasn’t familiar with, but that was exactly as he would have imagined Sam smelled if he’d ever thought about it.

  The whole world had shrunk down to just the two of them in that moment. It had almost—almost—seemed like a good idea to turn his head and kiss Sam, to finally give in to all the need and want without worrying about the insecurity.

  And then it had been over as suddenly as it had happened, and now Ben was, well…

  Confused.

  He was really tired of being confused around Sam. He understood everything else in his life, but this was different.

  Sam was different.

  He’d always been like that. Everything Ben thought he knew about the world and himself, Sam had turned upside down. He’d been doing that since the day they met, and even now, he was still doing it.

  Yesterday, Ben would have refused to climb that wall, with no room for negotiation.

  But he didn’t want Sam to think he was a coward. Any more of a coward than Sam undoubtedly thought he was, anyway. He’d wanted to impress him.