Hapgood

by Tom Stoppard

  Pause

  BLAIR Where is she now?

  WATES You’re asking me?

  BLAIR (Snaps) Yes, I’m asking you.

  WATES Excuse me.

  He takes the radio out of his coat.

  (To radio) Wates—who’s in the Toyota?

  RADIO Collins, sir.

  WATES Where’re you at?

  RADIO Outside. Target is home.

  Wates puts the radio back in his pocket.

  WATES She just walked in.

  BLAIR Good.

  WATES We should hold back a little, feel this thing out.

  BLAIR Don’t worry. Incidentally, where did she go this morning?

  WATES Shopping.

  BLAIR Shopping.

  WATES As I say, it makes sense to hold back, Paul, give her a little room, you understand me?

  BLAIR Of course.

  The door opens and Hapgood enters briskly. She has her shopping with her. There is a Lillywhites’ carrier bag and a little Fortnum’s bag.

  HAPGOOD Good morning!—Paul—Wates—

  BLAIR Good morning!—Guess what—Kerner’s bleep came alive in the night, it seems to be coming from your office.

  WATES Aw, shit.

  HAPGOOD Gosh, Wates.

  WATES Yes ma’am.

  HAPGOOD Sit down.

  WATES I’ve been sitting, I like standing, ma’am.

  Maggs enters. He comes from the outer office with stuff for Hapgood’s attention; a wooden tray (shallow box) overflowing with open letters, memos, etc., and a separate lot of sensitive material which might even be in a little attaché case or a closable file. The tray is put on the desk; it’s the other lot of stuff which Hapgood looks through first.

  MAGGS Good morning. Do you want to see the decrypts?

  Hapgood is behind her desk. Blair has sat down again where he was sitting, and Wates probably stays standing. Maggs stands.

  HAPGOOD (To Maggs) Thank you. Anything else?

  MAGGS Joe telephoned. I wrote down the grid.

  HAPGOOD Thank you—don’t go. (To Wates) What time, Wates?

  WATES One fifty—two o’clock …

  HAPGOOD Uh-huh.

  She has scooped the decrypts, etc., out of their case. Maggs gets the case. Hapgood starts going through the pile of stuff. There’s not very much of it. But unless otherwise stated she is reading the material continuously, making notes on pages which one by one go back to Maggs and back into the case. She reads while she listens and she also reads while she talks to Wates.

  HAPGOOD (To Wates) It was alive when you checked, so you don’t know when it came on air.

  WATES That’s right.

  HAPGOOD (To Maggs) This one to Special Branch in the pouch. This one to the Russian Desk by hand. (To Wates) And you got a triangulation and the beams crossed in this office.

  WATES Yes, ma’am.

  HAPGOOD Is it still giving out?

  WATES As far as l know.

  HAPGOOD And you would know, wouldn’t you?

  It is clear now that he is not popular with her this morning.

  (Icy) Why didn’t you call me?

  He doesn’t reply so she gives him a glance.

  Yes, I see.

  She bangs a few buttons on her telephone console and then lifts the handset.

  (Into phone) Get me the form on a white Toyota—

  WATES (Pleading guilty) Yeah, all right.

  HAPGOOD (Into phone) Cancel.

  She puts the phone down.

  (To Wates) I’ll get back to that. So did you bring a radio-finder with you? (To Maggs) This one upstairs, this one reconfirm.

  WATES No, ma’am.

  HAPGOOD You thought you’d give me first crack. That’s all right.

  WATES Ma’am, this is a 500 millisecond-repeat transponder-transmitter locked on seventeen megahertz with a lithium battery and a gate interrupter … it …

  He falters because she appears to be absorbed in her next paper.

  HAPGOOD Interrupter.

  WATES It gives it a signature, it has to be the same bleep.

  She scribbles on the last decrypt, hands it to Maggs, and takes the top sheet off the other pile.

  HAPGOOD So it went dead at ten-oh-seven yesterday morning and it was alive again at two a.m. Can they come and go like that?

  WATES Not that I ever heard. My guy couldn’t figure it either. They’re either fixed or broke, they don’t fix themselves.

  HAPGOOD Uh-huh. Did he mention a hamster?

  WATES A what?

  HAPGOOD (To Maggs) Roger.

  MAGGS No.

  HAPGOOD You sure?—empty square before assembly—

  MAGGS No Roger-the-hamster.

  HAPGOOD Oh, the chump. (Relieved) That’s all, Maggs. Tea.

  Maggs goes back to his office. Wates has had enough of this.

  WATES Excuse me—we don’t need to know about this stuff. When I put on the phones I felt foolish like putting on a stethoscope for a corpse that’s been ten hours dead in the water—but, ma’am, we’ve got a situation now and I’m glad Paul is here because I’m asking him to ask you if you would open up that safe you have there and then I won’t have to worry about it any more.

  Hapgood has stopped listening. She sits thinking.

  Paul?

  He gets no help.

  HAPGOOD Wates, I could kiss you. (She goes to the door.) Merryweather. (She heads back to her desk.)

  MERRYWEATHER (Entering) Thanks, Mother, I don’t need long, it was just that I had a thought about our Russian friend—

  HAPGOOD (Sitting down) In a minute. You drained the pool.

  MERRYWEATHER Yes, that’s right.

  HAPGOOD How long did that take?

  MERRYWEATHER Ages—most of the day—right down to the filter—

  HAPGOOD And?

  MERRYWEATHER I put it in Maggs’s box last night.

  He means an envelope on Maggs’s pile. Hapgood tears the envelope across.

  Looked interesting to me. Any good?

  The envelape contains a ‘poker chip’ transmitter. She tosses it to Wates who catches it.

  HAPGOOD Ten hours dead in the water. It only drowns the signal, when Merryweather fished it out it was back on the air.

  Maggs comes in with Hapgood’s tea. It’s like having tea at the Ritz without the sandwiches—nice china, tea pot, hot water jug, etc.

  Blair, who has been sitting too still for too long, now stretches all the tension out of his body, sprawling in his chair, languid again.

  BLAIR I think I might change my mind about that tea, Maggs … how about you, Ben?

  WATES Yes. Thank vou.

  HAPGOOD Just the cups, Maggs. Mr Wates takes it with lemon.

  MAGGS We haven’t got a lemon.

  HAPGOOD Tsk, tsk, you must always keep a lemon.

  MAGGS (Leaving) The reply from Ottawa came in.

  HAPGOOD Oh yes?

  MAGGS Exchange bishops, and queen to king one.

  HAPGOOD Exchange bishops, my eye—he’ll be lucky.

  Maggs leaves. Hapgood broods for a moment. From his pocket, Wates produces his pink-paper ‘diagram’. He looks at it and passes it to Blair. Meanwhile—

  MERRYWEATHER Mother …

  HAPGOOD Oh, I’m sorry, Merryweather—

  MERRYWEATHER It’s just that I had a thought which may or may not be something.

  HAPGOOD Of course—tell us your thought.

  MERRYWEATHER Well, I was thinking about it and something wasn’t quite right. The Russian delivered to the changing room and he came straight out again …

  HAPGOOD Yes?

  MERRYWEATHER He didn’t have time for a swim or anything.

  HAPGOOD Uh-huh.

  MERRYWEATHER Well, this is the thing—I was thinking about it and I’m pretty sure his towel was dry when I followed him in but it was wet when I followed him out … I was wondering if anybody had noticed that. (Pause.) Well, it was just a thought I thought I’d leave with you.

  HAPGOOD It’s a good thought,
Merryweather, worth thinking about. Thank you.

  MERRYWEATHER Fine. Any way I can help.

  HAPGOOD Actually, there’s a job you can do for me.

  MERRYWEATHER Good—of course—

  HAPGOOD It’s down the A30 past Staines.

  MERRYWEATHER Right. A meet?

  HAPGOOD A sort of meet. Just past Virginia Water you take a right, the A329 to Bracknell, a couple of miles along there’s a prep school, St Christopher’s.

  From the Lillywhites’ bag she produces a pair of brand new rugby boots and gives them to Merryweather.

  Get there at exactly one fifty. You’ll find a lot of small boys charging around outside. Stop the first boy you see and say, ‘Do you know Hapgood?’

  MERRYWEATHER ‘Do you know Hapgood?’

  HAPGOOD The boy will say, ‘Yes, sir.’ There’s an outside chance he’ll say, ‘I am Hapgood, sir,’ but probably not. Give him this, and say, ‘I have a message from Mother.’

  MERRYWEATHER ‘Do you know Hapgood? I have a message from Mother.’ Is this the message?

  HAPGOOD No, the message is, ‘The garage key is on Roger’s hutch.’

  MERRYWEATHER ‘The garage key is on Roger’s hutch.’

  Maggs comes in with the cups. He goes to add them to the tray.

  HAPGOOD St Christopher’s—the Bracknell road—one fifty.

  MERRYWEATHER Right. ‘The garage key is on Roger’s hutch.’

  HAPGOOD Thank you very much, Merryweather.

  She has helped him out of the door. Maggs is following Merryweather out.

  (To Maggs) Pawn to rook four, and tell him to put his queen back.

  MAGGS (Continuing out) Pawn to rook four.

  Maggs closes the door behind him. Pause.

  WATES It’s Ridley.

  BLAIR Mm.

  WATES I’m sorry.

  He is commiserating, not apologizing.

  You’ll have to turn over everything he ever touched.

  HAPGOOD We’re already doing that.

  WATES (Surprised, wrong-footed) Since when?

  HAPGOOD Since yesterday. Paul’s been here all night.

  She flicks her thumb along Blair’s jaw bone, a technical gesture.

  You look awful.

  That’s Wates wrong-footed twice.

  (To Wates) Do you remember Ganchev, our Bulgarian?—Paul and I think that’s one which needs looking at, did he tell you?

  That’s three times. He is suddenly really angry.

  WATES You guys!

  HAPGOOD Wates—

  WATES My friends call me Ben!

  HAPGOOD I don’t care what your friends call you, I want to tell you something—I will not be tagged by your people in my own town! I took them all round Lillywhites and I can number them off, don’t think I can’t, I’ve been followed by marching bands that did it better, and if they’re not pulled by the time I go to lunch you’re off the food-chain. Is that entirely clear?

  WATES It’s clear.

  HAPGOOD Good. Did they tell you I popped into Fortnum’s? (From the little Fortnum’s bag she takes a lemon, which is all the bag contains, and adds it to the tea-tray.) Where are we, Paul?

  Blair passes her Wates’s pink diagram.

  BLAIR Where we are is that when the bleep died it was no longer in the briefcase, it was in the water, and Ridley was by the pool. We’re no further than that. But it’s really quite attractive: every month, Ridley helps to pack Kerner’s briefcase. That’s his job. Kerner’s job is handing the briefcase over to the Russians.

  WATES It’s made in heaven.

  BLAIR Yes. The opposition don’t care which way Kerner is bent, either way he’s a channel for Ridley. Yesterday it nearly came apart but only because of the leak in Moscow. Ridley had to remove the evidence.

  WATES Why did he remove your films?

  BLAIR (Smoothly) Obviously because he put in a roll of film and they all look the same.

  WATES And the bleep?

  BLAIR Oh, you know, pass-the-parcel … did you ever play that? The object is not to be the one holding the parcel when the music stops. Ridley drowned the signal when … someone else was holding the …

  WATES (Deflecting) Yes, all right. (Pause.) And he did all that without opening the briefcase?

  BLAIR Ah, yes. That’s the bit we’re still working on.

  WATES I’d say you have a problem.

  BLAIR We have a hypothesis.

  WATES A hypothesis?

  BLAIR Mmm. Actually, it’s Mr Kerner’s hypothesis.

  Blair and Hapgood are complicitly wary of Wates, not secretive but slightly embarrassed, expecting his derision.

  WATES And is this hypothesis a hypothesis you can share?

  HAPGOOD It’s twins.

  WATES It’s twins?

  HAPGOOD Two Ridleys.

  Long pause. Blair and Hapgood watch him nervously.)

  WATES (Evenly) Yeah … that would do it.

  Hapgood and Blair relax.

  HAPGOOD Thank you, Ben. Well, should I be mother?

  SCENE 5

  An indoor shooting range. But we don’t really know that yet. We see Ridley, downstage in the only lit area, ready to shoot, holding his gun towards the dark upstage. Ridley shoots six times. His shots are aimed at six illuminated targets which make their sudden and successive appearances. Some of the targets are ‘blue’ and some (most) are ‘green’. (Or, cut-out figures, of villains and civilians, with some changes to the dialogue.)

  No targets are showing when we see Ridley. He starts shooting when the first target appears.

  Ridley’s six targets come up as four greens, then a blue, then a green. He hits the first two, misses the third and fourth, hits the fifth, which is the blue, and the sixth. Ridley’s conversation is with an amplified VOICE. Ridley doesn’t have to raise his voice to reply, but his voice echoes.

  VOICE Stop shooting. Two misses, three greens, and you killed a blue. Reload.

  RIDLEY Reloading.

  VOICE On your go, and remember blue is our side.

  RIDLEY Yes, sir.

  Hapgood enters quietly, walking behind Ridley’s back.

  VOICE Mr Ridley, on your go.

  RIDLEY Go.

  The first target is blue. Ridley lets it live. The next five are all green, rapid. Ridley hits four, misses the fifth, and hardly has time to curse before the target is knocked out by a sixth shot, from Hapgood’s gun.

  VOICE Wait a minute—wait a minute—

  Hapgood comes into Ridley’s light, putting a small automatic into her handbag.

  HAPGOOD Hey, Ridley.

  RIDLEY Mother.

  VOICE Is that you, Mrs Hapgood?

  HAPGOOD (Cheerful) Hello, Mac. How’ve you been?

  VOICE Ma’am, you’re breaking the rules.

  HAPGOOD I know, I’m hopeless. Will you give us the shop for a while?

  VOICE Do you want the mike?

  HAPGOOD No, no need.

  VOICE I’ll be in the back.

  HAPGOOD Thank you.

  We lose the echo.

  (To Ridley) I have to talk to you.

  RIDLEY Funny place to choose.

  HAPGOOD I’m not sure that I want to be seen with you, Ridley.

  Ridley considers this. He considers her. He has his gun in his hand. He puts the gun away behind him, into his waistband under his jacket next to his spine. He takes out a packet of cigarettes, puts one in his mouth, puts the packet away, and feels for the lighter.

  Don’t light it.

  Ridley takes the cigarette out of his mouth and holds it unlit.

  RIDLEY What’s the problem?

  HAPGOOD The problem is, someone’s playing dirty and we’re favourite.

  RIDLEY (Quite pleased) You and me? What have we done?

  HAPGOOD The story is we’re bent. We’ve been using Kerner to pass real secrets. Yesterday it went wrong for us and we had to steal them back during the meet. You passed the briefcase to me and I emptied it.

  RIDLEY If this is Wates why doesn
’t he go for the obvious? The stuff was never in there.

  HAPGOOD Wates tracked it to the pool, he had a finder on the bleep. It stayed alive till the briefcase got to me.

  Ridley laughs.

  RIDLEY I think I see. You cracked the transponder in your teeth.

  HAPGOOD I was in the shower. It doesn’t work in water.

  Ridley likes that even better.

  RIDLEY And what about the Geiger? Weren’t you clean?

  HAPGOOD No. When I opened the briefcase to see if we had a result … How do you like it so far?

  RIDLEY (Delighted) It’s beautiful. I’m beginning to think you did it. I don’t see that you’d need me.

  HAPGOOD Well, there are a couple of other things. Wates has been digging up the back garden and he thinks he’s found some bones he can make bodies out of.

  RIDLEY Like what?

  HAPGOOD Like Athens.

  RIDLEY Ah, Athens. We met in Athens. Oh, Mother … Athens was the best time of my life.

  HAPGOOD Was it? We had an operation that blew up in our faces.

  RIDLEY What’s that to Wates?

  HAPGOOD Well, that girl in Athens, the night she was busted, she said you were there, outside.

  RIDLEY That was rubbish. I was with you.

  HAPGOOD I know.

  RIDLEY In a parked car in Piraeus waiting for our Russian who never turned up, we were pretending to be lovers.

  HAPGOOD Don’t leer, it suits you.

  RIDLEY What else?

  HAPGOOD Ganchev.

  RIDLEY Good heavens. What a team.

  HAPGOOD I tell you, Ridley, I’m sick of being your alibi. I can’t blame Wates for wondering about us.

  RIDLEY Did Wates talk to you?

  HAPGOOD No.

  RIDLEY He talked to Paul Blair? Blair wouldn’t be impressed. It’s all circular. It can’t be me without you, it can’t be you without me, so it’s both of us. Whatever happened to neither? Did Blair listen?

  HAPGOOD He listened but he thinks he knows better.

  RIDLEY Trust, you see.

  HAPGOOD No, he thinks it’s Kerner.