Klawde--Evil Alien Warlord Cat--Enemies #2

by Johnny Marciano

  Cedar, Steve, and I brought out the Aqua-Bot, which started and stopped with perfect smoothness.

  “Water for sale! Only a nickel! Get it flat or get it fizzy!”

  “Do we have a volunteer?” I asked.

  Max popped up and put a nickel into the robot’s coin slot. He held a cup under the squirt gun spigot, but instead of immediately dispensing water, it swiveled upward and pointed right at Max’s nose. Meanwhile, the fizzy fart sounds were ripping through the room like sonic explosions. What was going on? Before I could even guess, the Aqua-Bot shot a stream of mega-fizzy water right into Max’s face!

  “Hey, quit it!” the poor kid cried.

  But the Aqua-Bot did not quit it. It spun around toward the crowd and fired another jet of water. Two supercharged streams drenched the kids in the front row of the bleachers.

  “Do I detect . . . THIRST?” the Aqua-Bot said, shooting another carbonated laser at a bunch of eighth-graders.

  I was hitting every button on the controller, but the Aqua-Bot wasn’t responding! It shot the coffee out of Miss Natasha’s hand, and next it sprayed water at Principal Brownepoint, nailing him right in the crotch of his pants. It looked like he’d peed himself!

  Every student in the school was laughing now. Except the three of us who had created the Aqua-Bot.

  And Cameron. The expression on his face reminded me of how Klawde looked when he mangled a piece of furniture. Like he was pleased with himself.

  As for the Aqua-Bot, it was still spraying, and a giant puddle of water had begun spreading across the gym floor. I was frozen in panic.

  Thankfully, Cedar was not. She darted forward and managed to yank the battery pack out of the back of the Aqua-Bot. It immediately stopped, its water pistols slowly tilting toward the floor.

  “Aww!” the other kids in the gym hollered. Then they started to cheer.

  How had this happened? The Aqua-Bot was working perfectly the last time we used it! And it wasn’t even like it was malfunctioning—it was as if it had been programmed to fire like that.

  Someone must have sabotaged the Aqua-Bot. But who? It had to be someone who knew a lot about robotics. And someone who wanted to hurt our group.

  Or hurt me.

  I looked again at Cam, still grinning. He looked right back at me, and he winked.

  CHAPTER 40

  When the boy-Human returned from school, he related a day of disaster and chaos. Naturally this was more interesting than his usual blather, and I relished my role in the fiasco.

  It was a role, however, that I tactfully—and tactically—decided to keep to myself. The ogre believed that his enemy had sabotaged his creation! I allowed him to think this, not only because it concealed my guilt in the affair, but also because it might finally spur the feckless Human to action.

  “What you must do is clear,” I said. “You and your comrades must band together and make this Cameron rue the day he was born!”

  “We humans don’t go around avenging ourselves all the time, Klawde,” the ogre said. “We’d get in trouble.”

  “Listen, hairless one. There are many ways to defeat an enemy. You do not need to harm him. You must simply humiliate him.”

  “I don’t know . . .”

  “Show some courage, ogre! By humiliating Ffangg I have turned the tables back in my favor!”

  “Wait, you did? How?”

  “How is not the point, ogre! The fact is, I did it, and now my troops have returned to me!”

  “You mean the kittens are here again?” the Human said excitedly.

  He hurried to the box in which my commandos were quietly resting.

  “Hey, little guys!”

  The calico growled at him, and the ogre shrank back in apprehension. I could hardly blame him. The she-cat had grown considerably in the last week and was ever more imposing. She spit in his direction and took a leaping swipe at him, claws out.

  “Okay, I guess I’ll pet you later,” the ogre said. “Or never.”

  “As the great Lord Feelyne said, It is better to shatter a reputation than to shatter a sword,” I said. “Shame this fellow ogre well enough and he will never bother you again. If you instead allow yourself to be shamed, the universe will never stop humiliating you.”

  The Human digested the obvious wisdom of my words. Perhaps one day he would even act upon them.

  That night, I went to nap happy. Many times I awoke and napped again, blissfully reliving my victory. But sometime in the wee hours of dawn, I awoke in the bunker, shivering. I felt a wicked, hateful chill.

  I turned to look at my tail. It was something I often did, considering its magnificence.

  And it was at this moment that I saw the greatest horror of my life.

  CHAPTER 41

  On Tuesday, we got the news we probably should’ve been expecting: The Aqua-Bot would NOT be representing the robotics class at Harvest Fest. Instead, it would be Dr. Drone. Cameron’s face practically split in two, he was smiling so wide, and he and Newt and Scorpion all high-fived each other.

  Miss Natasha said she didn’t want to make the switch, but Principal Brownepoint demanded it. “Everyone knows that water and robots don’t mix,” he’d said. “It’s unnatural!”

  “He’s just mad the Aqua-Bot made it look like he’d peed his pants,” Cedar said.

  “We have to get Cam back for this,” I said to her and Steve as we walked home from school together.

  “He’s so cool, though,” Steve said. “I can’t believe he’d sabotage our project. That would just be evil.”

  “It’s obvious he did it,” I said. “He couldn’t stand that we built a better robot than his team did, and he’s out to get me because of the fight we had.”

  “But revenge?” Cedar said. “I mean, I’m all for it, but it doesn’t seem very like you, Raj.”

  And it wasn’t. But I had decided that Klawde was right—I had to stand up for myself. But I couldn’t tell them that I was taking advice from a feline space alien, so I just shrugged.

  “Well, whatever,” Cedar said. “I’m in. Let’s take Dr. Drone and turn him back into the Butt-bot. Wedgies for all!”

  “I don’t want to humiliate everyone—not even Scorpion and Newt,” I said. “Just Cameron.”

  “We could smash his drone,” Steve said. “I’m good at breaking stuff.”

  But I had a different idea. “You know how everybody thinks the siren recording is so cool? What if we reprogram the drone’s recorder so it plays this?” I stuck my hand in my armpit and made a super-loud farting noise.

  Steve immediately started doing it, too. “That’s an awesome idea,” he said.

  Cedar rolled her eyes. “It’s actually totally lame,” she said. “But whatever. It’s better than just standing around doing nothing.”

  “All right then, it’s decided,” I said. “Tomorrow, we go over to Cameron’s house and make the switch.”

  “But how do we get in there?” Cedar said. “He’s going to be suspicious if we all show up at his door and are like, Hey, we’d like to play with your robot.”

  I had an idea for that. But Cedar was not going to like it.

  CHAPTER 42

  My tail! My beautiful—majestic—magnificent tail! It had been . . .

  SHAVED!

  How could this have happened? It was impossible to believe. The humiliation! I had gone from victor to vanquished in a matter of hours!

  The calico woke and crept toward me, her brothers following. I hissed at them. “Halt, cadets!” I cried.

  I backed into the corner so they could not see my shame. “Go back to nap,” I commanded.

  The boys obeyed, but their sister stood her ground and cocked her head, sensing something amiss.

  Then a voice rang out from the shadows. “And now we see who has sunk the lowest of all!”

  F
fangg! The traitorous tail-shaver was still in my bunker! I wanted nothing more than to shred him to bits, but to come out of the corner would expose my naked tail. I could not allow the kittens to see what Ffangg had done. “Come over here so I can scratch out your eyeballs!”

  But Ffangg ignored me. “Sally forth and investigate, young warriors,” he said to the kittens. “See the shame of your so-called leader! Behold his backside! Could a real leader allow an enemy to sneak into his fortress at night and shave his tail? No, the true warlord sleeps with one eye open! Only a cat whose senses are blunt and whose mind is soft could be humiliated so completely!”

  Ffangg pushed a fluffy gray ball into the center of the room. The calico pounced on it and began to rip it with her back claws.

  Ffangg’s purr echoed against the bunker walls. “Behold, Klawde, how your soldier shreds the remains of your tail!”

  Humiliation overwhelmed me. My mind raced for my next move, but what could I do? Nothing! I could only crouch there, with my tail underneath me, and pretend that nothing—absolutely nothing—was amiss.

  CHAPTER 43

  I’d spent half an hour explaining to Klawde how I was going to get back at Cam, and he hadn’t said a single word. That wasn’t exactly unusual, but this was a plan about revenge.

  “It’s your favorite subject!” I said.

  Still nothing.

  The really weird thing, however, was how he refused to come out from under my dad’s La-Z-Boy. I asked him if something was wrong, and he didn’t answer. Then I asked where the kittens had gone off to. Still nothing.

  “Does it have something to do with Ffangg?”

  Klawde hissed.

  Well, at least I knew he was alive under there.

  Finding out what his deal was would have to wait for later, though, because right then the doorbell rang.

  I ran upstairs and flung open the door. “Did you read it?” I asked Cedar, who was standing on the porch next to Steve.

  She rolled her eyes, opened her book bag, and took out Americaman #3: The Fiendish Plot of General Coup. “It’s basically the dumbest thing I’ve ever had the misfortune of looking at.”

  “She’s insane,” Steve said. “General Coup is Americaman’s best villain!”

  Cedar ignored him. “You’d better be quick in there, Raj, because if I have to fake this for too long, I’m going to barf,” she said.

  Cam seemed a little suspicious when he answered the door, but right away Cedar started gushing about the comic and asking him to autograph it. Then he let us right in.

  He was home alone, and his house was practically a mansion. Somehow it looked like he and his family had lived there forever, whereas my house still had moving boxes everywhere.

  “I love this part here,” Cedar said, flipping through the comic. “And this part is hilarious.”

  I could tell she was just randomly pointing at pages, but she was a good actor. Steve didn’t need to act, obviously, because he did think Americaman was the greatest thing ever.

  “So hilarious!” he repeated.

  Cam soaked it all up. Then he started talking about how there was going to be an Americaman movie, and that the producers were coming up from L.A. to take his family out to a big fancy dinner.

  While Cam went on and on about how awesome the movie was going to be, I excused myself to the bathroom. Then I went looking for the drone.

  I found it on their sunporch, which was stuffed full of Americaman merchandise—Americaman posters, Americaman action figures, and even real-life models of Americaman’s throwing stars. I went over to the drone and popped open its hood. Inside was the same kind of programmable mini-recorder we’d used for the Aqua-Bot. My heart pounded as I scrolled through the menu options.

  I just needed to record a hidden track and set it to start playing at noon on Saturday, when the demos at the Harvest Fest were scheduled to begin. Programming the recorder was easy. The next part was not.

  I hiked up my shirt, put my hand under my armpit, and flapped my elbow up and down like a chicken. But I couldn’t make the fart noise! No matter how hard I tried, it just sounded like Miss Emmy Jo’s miniature horse huffing as he jumped a tiny barrel.

  “What is taking you so long?”

  It was Steve.

  “I’m too nervous—I can’t do the noise!”

  “Allow me,” Steve said, sticking his hand up his shirt. And then he let it rip.

  Steve’s underarm flatulence was truly unparalleled.

  Then the door swung open, and Cameron stood there glaring at us. “Are you guys FARTING in the Americaman room?” he asked.

  “Sorry,” I said, “Steve here has gastrointestinal issues.”

  Steve rubbed his stomach. “Yeah, and I had a really big bean burrito for lunch.”

  Cam was just about to say something when Cedar came in. “Wowwwww, a whole Americaman room! This is amazing,” she said. She was laying it on pretty thick, but it worked. We got out of there without him suspecting a thing. And we barely made it a block before we burst out laughing.

  CHAPTER 44

  The most disturbing thing about my encounter with the boy-Human came after he left: I found myself missing him.

  HOW COULD THIS BE?

  I crawled out from underneath the father-Human’s padded chair, but it would have been better had I not, because it was then that I came face-to-face with . . .

  Myself.

  Across the room hung one of the Humans’ primitive reflection-makers, and in it I saw my shorn tail in all its bare monstrosity. Now I understood why the ogres wore clothing—to hide such hideousness!

  Lying on the ground was one of the boy-Human’s foot coverings. Bulky though it was, this “sock” was roughly the size of a tail.

  With some effort, I managed to pull it on.

  It looked horrid.

  Although it was an improvement over bare skin, it filled me with deeper shame.

  Turning away from the awful image of myself, I crept across the room to where the kittens used to sleep. Then I peered under the couch where the Flabby Tabby used to hide. Oh, that silly Flabby!

  One of his catnip toys lay on the carpet. I sniffed. Such a glorious smell! I had forgotten how enchanting its aroma was. I could imagine myself winning wars again when I smelled such a smell as this. I saw myself leading troops to battle! Destroying Ffangg! And—oh, glory of glories!—I could see Flooffee-Fyr arriving here to take me home to Lyttyrboks. Finally! Finally you have come, Flooffee!

  The dreams were so vivid, they seemed utterly real.

  Was I napping? Was I awake? I could no longer tell.

  Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming, all-consuming hunger. I pounced on the kibble the boy-ogre had left for me. I didn’t even chew the rocklike pellets, I swallowed them whole. Next I turned my attention to the canned food, which had grown hard and crusty, and yet which I devoured as if it were the hearts of my enemies!

  I ate so much that my stomach hurt and I had to lie on my back.

  Then I dreamed more glorious dreams. I was on Lyttyrboks again, ruling with an iron paw, making my enemies cower and beg for mercy. I never wanted to wake up.

  CHAPTER 45

  “Well, shucks, Fightin’ Eel Worms, I hope y’all are as excited as pigs in a peach orchard about the Wormy Apple Harvest Festival on Saturday! The fun starts at eleven, and the demonstrations start at noon sharp, but if I were you, I’d get there early. It’s gonna be a rager!”

  Miss Emmy Jo’s words rang in my ears all day. The truth was, I was excited. I still wished the Aqua-Bot had gotten a second chance to impress everyone. But since there was no way to make that happen, I could look forward to the next best thing: watching Cameron’s face when Dr. Drone’s fart mix started playing.

  All that worried me now was Klawde. He hadn’t come up for his egg and butter breakfast for days, but he had
taken to eating the kibble and canned tuna my dad left out for him. Klawde hated cat food. Something had to be wrong with him. And where the heck were the kittens? I missed them, even the scary calico.

  After school, I went straight home to talk to him.

  He was still under the La-Z-Boy. And the basement smelled awful.

  “Klawde,” I said. “Have you been farting?”

  There was no answer for a moment. Then he said a word I never thought I’d hear him say:

  “Sorry.”

  Now I was really worried!

  “Klawde, what’s wrong?” I said. “Dad wants to call the vet, you know. It’s been so long since you scratched him that all his wounds are healed. His hands look naked without the Band-Aids!”

  “I’m not sick,” Klawde said. “And even if I was, I wouldn’t let you take me to one of your Human witch doctors.”

  “Unless you come out right now and tell me what’s wrong, we are going to the vet,” I said.

  “Fine,” he sighed.

  Klawde being obedient? What was going on?

  “I don’t even care anymore who bears witness to my disgrace,” he said. “Just buy me new catnip mice and leave me extra kibble rations.”

  Then Klawde crawled out from underneath the chair. My first thought was, Well, he definitely wasn’t starving under there.

  And my second thought was, “Why are you wearing one of my socks on your tail?”

  “Sock?” he said. “What sock? That’s how my tail has always looked.”

  “Come on, Klawde, quit messing around,” I said, and reached down to pull off the sock.

  Oh . . . my . . . wow.

  CHAPTER 46

  I was exposed. But I didn’t care anymore. I felt a void so deep and vast that not even reliving my best, most evil deeds could fill it.