Second First Impressions

by Sally Thorne

  “Let me just,” he starts a sentence but never finishes it.

  His breath is coming too short; there’s physical effort that has his muscles straining and he’s working so hard. I firm up my spine and give back to him when I feel him starting to flag. It’s what causes him to groan, freeze, then dissolve into shuddering spasms.

  I don’t know what to do now, so I put my arms around his shoulders and hug him until the tension melts out entirely and we’re dropped back into this room: two people who know each other fully now, and we kiss each other on the cheek. I always wondered what an afterglow would feel like: gratitude, and a smile, and I’m so glad. I tell him as much.

  “I really didn’t expect it to be so good, right out of the gate,” I confess, which makes him laugh. “No, but really, so good. Once I found that angle . . .”

  “It’s all about the angles, in my experience,” he says, then seems to wince at his words. “I mean—”

  “It’s okay. You knew what you were doing, and I was glad.” We hug together for a long time. We confess every little moment that we wanted each other. He’s out-of-his-mind horny when he sees me wearing my glasses. I tell him that the craftmanship on the butt of his jeans is art. The sound of the pipes filling my bathtub can make him hard. The shine in his hair gives me a candle-flicker in my uterus.

  I tell him things that I cannot believe I have the courage to. “I want to be tattooed on you.” He just nods in reply, and our kisses are just a continuation of this intoxicating conversation.

  I notice the time on my clock. “I might need to go check the office.”

  “Nothing says afterglow of mind-blowing sex like checking an office,” he agrees. “But I already rechecked it for you. It’s okay, Tidy Girl. Everything’s safe. You’re safe.” He kisses my temple and pulls a blanket up over me.

  How accepting he’s been of my compulsive tendencies is humbling. “This is probably a weird time to ask, but can I get the name of your therapist?”

  He laughs a lot. “I traumatized you that badly tonight?” His smile fades. “Yes. Of course. I’ll take you. I’ll hold your hand in the waiting room. It’s going to be okay.”

  The rest of the night is fabulous.

  We have a bath together, and it’s infinitely more satisfying than talking through the wall. Teddy smells like a pink unicorn when he towels me off and tosses me back on the bed. The second time he sinks himself into me, I’m readier for the sensation and we find a looser, fast tempo. We change things up, three times, four times, laughing and handing each other pillows to prop each other up, until we can’t stop moving and there are no thoughts. I tighten, an impossible orgasm ripples outward like a stone dropped in a lake. Teddy follows soon after.

  I make macaroni and cheese, wearing a towel as a dress. “This casual look works for you,” Teddy tells me from the stool at the counter as we eat. “You spoil me a lot.”

  “I actually like spoiling people. I bring Melanie a spare yogurt every afternoon. She hasn’t noticed yet. It’s my love language.” The word love clangs and I falter—did I imagine the whole thing? When I check his face, he’s looking goofy-happy, eyes closed and smiling with his cheek on his folded fist. “Are you okay?”

  “Just in love with my dream girl.”

  I grin. “Dream Girl is currently parked . . . where is that bike, anyway? You’re taking me for a ride on it, remember.” I take our bowls to the sink and begin to fill them with hot water. He doesn’t say anything. “Right? You’re letting me have a ride?”

  “I’m really sorry. I got it running and listed it for sale. I thought I had time, but I got an offer within hours. I know you guys thought that one was a piece of junk, but Indians are really collectible.”

  “Oh.” I have his heart now, but it’s ridiculous how hurt I feel. “Did you get a good price?”

  “A fortune.” He doesn’t sound that happy about it. “I never talk to you about this, because your eyes get really sad, but I’ve almost saved enough.” Enough to make him leave, just as I’ve finally gotten him.

  “Let’s go to bed,” I tell him, because that’s an easy thing to reply. He follows me without question into my bedroom, where we lie skin to skin, and I force myself to feel every sensation, to catalog them with archival precision. I’m making memories I’m going to need one day.

  All things considered, I’m still the luckiest girl alive.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I’m a mess. A zombie. It’s now Monday morning and I’m at my desk staring at my computer, trying to work out what the hell I’m looking at. Why does the screen look different? The screen is bright blue, when usually it’s a sage green. Has last night’s intense, perfect sex with Teddy changed my eyesight?

  “What’s up, girl. Ugh, you look rough,” Melanie says as she sails in, bright and early for once. “What’s happened to you?”

  I’m weak-legged, swollen-lipped, heavy-headed, and wrung out. Nobody deserves to experience so much pleasure in one single night. I woke up wrapped in Teddy. He tipped my face toward a ray of daylight on my pillow to describe the exact brown of my eyes, before hopping out of bed to make me tea.

  Melanie’s still staring at me, so I’ll stick with the easy explanation. “There’s something wrong with the computer.” I type my password and nothing happens. I put on my computer glasses and squint at the tiny pop-up. “Admin Access Only. What does that mean? We don’t even have an admin.”

  “It means that head office has locked the network. I’ve seen this happen in lots of offices. You need to call PDC.” She yawns and goes into the bathroom with her makeup bag.

  “I don’t know if they’ll even be there this early.” I dial the number for Rose Prescott’s assistant. It goes to voice mail. I leave one, asking her to call me. Mel reappears, this time with makeup on. “Now what do we do?”

  She grins and swivels in her chair. “Want to strategize for your date?”

  “Not during work hours.” I’m going to have to work out a way of telling her thanks but no thanks, the Sasaki Method is now coming to an end. I’ve already canceled that date in the app on my walk down the hill. I’m hoping to have this conversation with her when I might have some answers to what she’ll ask next: Are you leaving here? Is he staying here?

  I blame extreme tiredness for how long it takes me to realize there’s someone standing in the doorway. “Can I help you?”

  A gray-haired man in a suit comes in, sets a small suitcase against the wall, and reaches in his jacket pocket. “I’m Duncan O’Neill. I’m a financial auditor, contracted by PDC. Rose Prescott is the head of the review. I’m reporting to her for this next part of the process.”

  “This is news to me.”

  “Financial auditor,” Melanie repeats. “You guys think someone is stealing.” Duncan looks at her sharply, but she says to me, “I’ve temped at places where this has happened before. It’s why you can’t log into the system. We’re locked out and he’s going to go through all your files and accounts. Is that right?”

  “Yes, more or less,” Duncan says, a little flustered. “Rose has identified some anomalies.”

  I’m already dialing her number. She answers on the second ring. “Duncan has arrived, I take it.”

  “You’re on speakerphone with Melanie and Duncan. Could you please fill me in on this? I would have appreciated some advance notice.”

  “That’s not how this kind of audit works. Ruthie, I’m going to be up front with you,” Rose says. She sounds as tired as I am. “I have been turning myself inside out, trying to understand the set of books you’ve provided me. The income from the residents, minus wages and the costs of running the site, do not equal what is in the account.”

  “I don’t understand. I run a report every Monday, and it’s always exactly right.”

  Rose loses her patience. “Yeah, yeah, you do everything perfectly. You’d think you were single-handedly running the Hilton in Paris, not thirty-nine old town houses.”

  Is that a trick que
stion? “There’s forty, which you’d know if you even came to visit the place you want to change so much.” I await my fate, the air caught in my lungs.

  Duncan leans across to speak to the phone. “I need you to call me on my cell, Rose. Urgently.”

  “Yes. I think we’ve found our issue.”

  “Me?” I look at Duncan. “I can open my personal bank account here on the screen right now. I’m living paycheck to paycheck. Whatever you think I’ve done, it wasn’t me.” I’ve spoken these kind of words before, but this time, I’m willing to defend myself to the death.

  Rose sighs. “You’re not the one on a cruise. Just let Duncan do his work, give him anything he asks for, and do not call Sylvia. If she tries to contact you, I want you to hang up. Are we clear? I’ve been monitoring your outgoing emails and I know you’ve been keeping her abreast of everything that happens here.”

  Teddy poses in the doorway, pretending to do bicep curls with a large paper bag. “I came by to bring my beautiful girl a hot breakfast. Don’t worry, I brought you some hash browns, Mel. Uh, hi,” he now says to Duncan. “I didn’t bring you anything. Sorry. You’re in a meeting.” He does a cute head duck and one of those awkward! grimaces. “Ignore me.” He wades through to my desk. “I’ll leave this here for you.”

  As his hand tucks some hair behind my ear, I manage: “Teddy, this is an auditor. We’re being audited for missing funds. And your sister is on speakerphone.”

  “Half sister,” Rose snaps automatically, and it’s dreadful seeing the light drain from his eyes. Very calmly, she asks: “Are you sleeping with one of the office staff, Theodore? Which one of them is your beautiful girl? Who gets a hot breakfast?” She’s sarcastic and I hate her.

  Duncan wants to climb out the window. Melanie puffs herself up in outrage. Teddy begins to flounder, and it’s up to me now.

  “Teddy and I are seeing each other, yes.”

  Melanie screams “WHAT?!” so loud that for a moment I go deaf. When the ringing subsides, Rose is launching into a scolding tirade. “I told you one thing. To stay away from the staff there, Theodore. So Dad didn’t have to worry about you, I said fine. Sure. He can stay in that moldy maintenance hut. But there was only one thing you had to do. Keep your dick to yourself.”

  “Too bad. I’m in love with Ruthie.” He declares this as fact and Melanie puts her hand on her hip. She’s got nothing but accusation on her face.

  I say in a small voice to Mel, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “You open your mouth and you tell me. It’s that easy. How long’s this been going on? You’ve both been lying to my face?” Melanie looks between us both. The phone is silent. “You know what? I don’t care anymore. Throw your heart away on someone who’s going to leave and break your heart. I put so much effort into my Method, and for what?”

  “I’m so grateful, I really am.” I grab my notebook. “I want to talk to you about your career, I’ve got some ideas.”

  She snatches the keys for the rec center from my desk. “I’m going to hang decorations for the Christmas party.” She’s crying when she walks out.

  Duncan clears his throat. “I’m going to set up . . .” He beats a hasty retreat to a far corner of the room with his laptop bag. Now it’s just me, Teddy, and the silent phone.

  In a remarkably professional voice I say, “Are you still on the line, Rose?”

  “Theodore, pack your stuff and get out. If Ruthie wanted to, she could sue for sexual harassment. Your surname is Prescott. Your dad is the boss. She’s felt pressure over the review, and you’ve probably promised her that you’ll save the day there—”

  I cut her off. “I’m an adult woman and we’ve been getting to know each other outside of work hours. He’s promised me nothing. I’m not suing anybody.”

  She ignores me. “I mean it. Teddy, if you’re not out by tonight, Duncan is going to call me.”

  Duncan’s clearly aggrieved. Auditing someone’s love life was not what he signed up for.

  Teddy challenges her. “What’ll you do? What’s the thing you’ll do if I don’t leave?”

  “I’ll give Ruthie her notice. She was warned by my father to not get involved with you and she did. Plus there’s been mishandling of some form in the front office there; for all we know she’s a part of it. Teddy, you’re a selfish little shit, but I’m genuinely curious what you’ll decide, because you’ve never sacrificed yourself for another living soul as far as I’m aware. What’s your choice?”

  Teddy looks at me. “Please hold.” He presses the button and says to me, “Well? Are you coming with me to Fairchild?”

  “You expect me to just walk away, with that kind of cloud hanging over my reputation? I’ve done that before and it didn’t work out so well for me.” I gesture at the flashing light on the phone. “Come on, help me. Stand up for me. She’s suggesting I’ve siphoned funds out of this place.”

  “Of course I know you didn’t do it.” He says it with the absolute confidence that I would have loved to hear from my parents. “Rose knows it too. But who cares? Let’s quit this place in a blaze of glory. You know there’s a world outside Providence, don’t you?”

  A resident scoots past and waves to me. If I walk out, they’ll all be marooned here. “Who will take care of them?”

  “I don’t know, their families?” He winces at how uncaring he sounded. “I mean, we’d set them up with groceries so they’d be okay for a good long while. Rose will get someone new in to manage.”

  “No one can take care of Providence like I can.”

  “You’ve given all you can to this place. Take something for yourself.”

  The red hold light is flashing. All I can think about is that unlocked door that changed my life once.

  “If I leave right now, I’ll look guilty. Besides, I’m not the type who can just pack everything into a backpack and leave. I can’t take that kind of risk.”

  “You think I’m a risk?” He’s affronted. “You’re the only one who’s believed in me. I’m doing it because you thought I could. You’ve seen my studio and my apartment. The Reptile Zoo is twenty minutes away, and they have a pathway program for interns that will earn credits toward a veterinary nursing qualification.” Teddy takes a deep breath. “I’m asking you to choose me, please.”

  It hasn’t occurred to him that he has the option to put his own dream on hold to stay in town for me. I say the thing I know will stop him in his tracks. “You haven’t paid for your share yet, though, have you?”

  The red light flashes on my phone and I can’t take it anymore. “Rose, thanks for waiting.”

  “Well, what’s the decision? Who’s leaving?”

  I look up, and he’s already walking out. “Teddy. It’s Teddy who’s leaving. Like he always said he would.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Quite a bit of drama,” Melanie says from the top of her stepladder. She’s pinning up our CHRISTMAS PROM banner and I am supervising for work safety purposes. “What a week. More drama than this place has ever seen.”

  The Sasaki Method has been abandoned, but really, everything’s abandoned now that he’s left.

  After I hung up from Rose, I followed Teddy up the hill, to our cottages, where I found him stuffing his meager belongings into his bag. We had a fight that covered the same ground, in different and painful ways.

  He hates that I can’t put my faith in him and leave. I hate that he won’t stay with me and make sure that Providence survives. We both yelled at each other things like, You don’t love me and This was a huge mistake.

  Bad stuff. Stuff that keeps me awake.

  “You know what, Ruthie?” he’d said as he shouldered his backpack. “I can’t make you leave. I can’t sling you over my shoulder and carry you out of here. When you do come, I want you to walk out of here on your own two feet. But I’m really scared that you aren’t brave enough to.” He touched a thumb under my chin, walked out, and I grasped the locked doorknob of his cottage like a lifel
ine.

  “I’m still pissed off at you,” Melanie says now, but I’m not surprised. She says it about twice an hour, but the venom has worn off. “I told you to not fall in love with the first boy you saw. I told you he was a Lamborghini, and look what you’ve done. You’ve driven yourself into a wall. You’re heartbroken.”

  “Yes.” I can’t do anything but agree, because I’ve seen what I look like in the mirror. I’m back to ninety-five years old.

  “I put so much work into creating a program to find you a good man. A safe man.” She wobbles a little on the ladder and I reach up a hand to steady her. “You didn’t even go have one terrible unsatisfying date at the Thunderdome. I wanted to sit at the bar and spy on you and we could have gotten drunk afterward and bitched about men.”

  “I know.”

  “Then what happened?”

  “I saw his hair at the gas station. Then he turned around, and . . . well, you know what he looks like. Then he laughed. I never told you, did I? He mistook me for an elderly woman. It was a correct first impression, really.”

  “You’re not old,” she protests.

  “He adored me. I have no proof of it, and maybe it’s fading by the day, but he really did. You said I deserved that. So, even if I never see him again, I won’t regret it. One thing Providence has taught me is, life’s short.”

  “He’s not answering his phone.”

  “I know.” At least it’s not just me going to his voice mail. “Mel, you’ve done a great job here.”

  Melanie has arranged catering and bought alcohol, created a cohesive decoration scheme, and taken care of every last detail. For the first time ever, I will be attending as a guest. Mel’s contract expires tomorrow, but she assures me she’ll still come. Maybe. If she’s not too pissed off with me.

  “You’ve put in a lot of effort in the years gone by,” she says like she’s sorry for me. She climbs down the ladder and decides to tell me something. “And this is the last Christmas party. I’m sorry, Ruthie, but this site has been mismanaged to the point that I don’t think PDC would get a fast-enough return to continue on like this. It was always their plan,” she adds gently. “The end date on the tenancy agreements, December thirty-first, next year? That’s your exit date, too. Maybe you should decide if you want to move that forward and leave on your own terms.”