by K. G. Reuss
Diary
Day 35
Yes, Day 35. Derek helped me count our days away from NYC so I can straighten out my journal. If only I could go back and add in the missed days, but they’re long gone at this point. Suffice it to say, I either slept through them or laughed my way through them, because I’ve been in nothing but pure heaven since Teddy joined us.
She’s been a little standoffish since my stuttering moments a few days ago. I haven’t done it since but trying to convince her that what’s wrong with me is just stress is getting harder and harder. The woman can see right through me, I swear.
Doctor Aarons and I are messaging back and forth. He’s not happy with me, but he called in a new prescription at some pharmacy in Flagstaff for me that Derek retrieved. Not sure it’s doing anything new or special from the old medicine, except make me sweat more. We’ll see how I feel in a few more days.
I don’t want to admit it to myself, let alone Derek, and especially not Teddy, but I’m starting to feel different. I had trouble tying my shoes this morning. Even fastening the buttons on my shirt was a fiasco, which explains why today I’m wearing a twenty-dollar t-shirt from the Alamo gift shop that says, ‘Remember the Alamo’. I was worried before. Stressed before. But it’s getting worse. It’s coming. I don’t know how long I have. I’ve been praying for my six months, but at the rate I’m going, I might only have three.
I’m trying not to draw into myself. I’m trying to enjoy the woman I’m falling for. I’m trying to enjoy all the moments, but every fucking time my hand shakes or the words falter, I’m reminded that I’m a ticking time bomb and the minutes are blinking faster.
I know. Shut the hell up about it. And I should. I need to stop focusing on my disease and focus on the positives. But even those are turning to negatives because I’ll be leaving them soon.
Anyway, enough of my boo-hooing.
We’re off to ride the trails down to the Colorado River on horseback then to whatever we decide our next adventure will be. Derek booked us on the gentle course, but we were warned the river is up, so it could be a little more adventurous than we bargained for. I’m all in. I just want to see Teddy laugh and have a good time. She’s all I care about.
We’re going to pitch a tent too. We have two, so I’ll have some privacy with Teddy. I plan on making use of our time together.
If the tent is a rockin’, don’t bother knocking. If it’s not doing anything, best check on me. I could be dead.
Twenty-Six
Carter
“Fuck,” I hiss, fumbling with the button on my cargo shorts. I panic, craning my neck to see if Teddy is coming. She’s been riding my ass lately about me telling her what’s going on. Asking me if I want to talk to relieve some stress. I’ve been making up lies, telling her that work texts have me exhausted. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold her off. I mean, I can’t even button my damn pants this morning.
I try again, but my fingers can’t seem to follow the instructions I’m giving them.
“Come on,” I whimper, my fingers slipping once more. I sink onto the bed, my face in my hands. My cheeks are wet. I’m crying.
“Damn it,” I sniffle.
“Carter,” Teddy calls out, popping her head into the room. I look up at her, my heart warming as her bright smile greets me. It falters on her lips.
“What’s wrong?” She’s at my side in moments, thumbing the wetness on my cheeks away.
“I’m having a bad day, sweetheart. Headaches.” I give her the feeble lie, hating myself for it. I don’t know why I don’t tell her the truth. Maybe because I know it’ll crush her, and I can’t bear to see her hurt.
Imagine her pain if you die on her, you dumb ass.
“Is there anything I can do?” she asks, brushing her lips across my jaw. “I heard that sex can help alleviate stress and headaches.”
I chuckle softly, loving how ready she always is. “Mm, baby, I should be the most stress-free man in the world if that’s the case. All I’ve been doing is burying myself in you.” My lips find hers in a sweet kiss which has my cock growing three sizes in my unbuttoned shorts.
“Then what’s one more day?” she purrs against my lips.
I tug at her tank top, desperate to get it off her so I can feel her warmth against me. I need to forget about all this bullshit. She’s what matters to me. Not my goddamn pants. In moments, we’re both naked. She’s straddling my lap, and her large breasts are pushed against my face. I let out a groan as I bury my face in them, sucking and kissing the sweet mounds.
Her wet center slides down on my aching cock, causing my eyes to roll back in my head. She rides me like a cowgirl, her head thrown back in ecstasy, my fingers tangled in her dark locks. My Teddy Bear can sure move. She has my toes curling in moments, her pussy spasming along my cock as we peak together.
It’s hot and fast. And perfect since we’re supposed to be meeting Derek outside.
“I’ll never get tired of this,” she breathes out against my lips.
“M-me either, b-baby,” I reply with a stutter, kissing her tenderly. Her forehead rests against mine.
“Carter, I’m worried about you.”
I’m silent, internally screaming at myself to just tell her what’s wrong.
“I-I-I’m fine. J-just h-h-h-headaches,” I manage to choke out. My heart pounds harder in my chest. I feel dizzy and weak. I close my eyes for a moment as she runs her fingers through my hair, grounding me.
“You’re not. You need to tell me—”
“We n-need to get d-dressed. D-Derek is w-waiting. Let him know I’ll be there in a m-moment,” I stammer out, lifting her off my lap and pulling my boxers back up with shaking hands.
I need water. And my medicine. I’m sweating like a damn horse. She gives me a frown before putting her clothes back on.
“Call me if you need me,” she says, grimacing slightly before planting a sweet kiss on my lips as I sit on the bed in my boxers. Her words are innocent enough, but her eyes say everything she’s thinking. She knows I’m sick. I just need to confirm it.
The moment she’s gone, I let out the breath I’m holding and bend to reach for my shorts. A wave of vertigo takes hold, and I slide off the bed, hitting my head on the door of the closet.
A groan of pain leaves me, and I lie on the floor, stuck between the bed and wall, staring up at the ceiling. My heart hammers painfully in my chest. My vision is dotted with dark sparkles. Tingles rocket through my body.
I can’t get up. I know I can’t. So, I lay there, praying this isn’t the end.
“Carter?” Derek calls out, coming into the Beastmaster after the minutes race by. “Carter!”
“I-In h-here,” I manage weakly. “Help.”
Derek’s footsteps thunder toward me. In moments, he’s beside me, worry in his dark eyes.
“I seem to have fallen,” I say, wincing.
“You should go to the hospit—”
“No,” I say sharply. “No.”
“Carter—”
“Damnit, Derek, just listen to me! Please,” I plead, my voice choked. “The end is coming. P-please. I just need more time. T-teddy…I don’t want to go. I just want to have these last m-moments.”
“What if you can get help?” Derek murmurs, helping me to sit up. “What if there’s something that can be done?”
He assists me to my feet, and I sway, his hands steadying me.
“I’m a dead man walking,” I sigh, rubbing my eyes.
At least, I’m not as dizzy anymore. When I open my eyes, it’s to see Derek staring at me, a frown on his face. “Don’t tell Teddy.”
“She needs to know, Carter. What the hell am I supposed to do if you don’t wake up one day? Or if you stroke out or something? Did you know her dad is a brain surgeon?”
I scowl at the information. She’d mentioned something like that to me, but I’d been so eager just to be near her that I hadn’t paid much attention.
“I’m not sure why that matters.
She doesn’t even talk to her family anymore.”
“It matters because from what I’ve learned from her, he’s one of the best in the country. Probably the entire world. Maybe he can help you.”
I shake my head, my heart hurting. No one can help me. Doctor Aarons said there’s no cure. That’s why we’re on this trip. One last hurrah.
“Please. Don’t tell her. Promise me?”
A muscle in Derek’s jaw pops, but he gives me a curt nod anyway.
“Also, do you have pants without buttons?”
Derek sighs and backs out of the room. I pull my t-shirt back on with shaking hands. It’s not long until Derek’s back, holding out a pair of gray basketball shorts. I eagerly take them and tug them on.
“How do I look?” I ask.
“Like you’re living the dream, man.”
I nod. “Good. That’s the look I’m going for.”
Derek sets our tents up at the Grand Canyon National Park. I’m feeling slightly fuzzy but loads better than I was earlier. I drink in the sight of Teddy in her tiny tank top and barely-there shorts. My girl looks amazing as she bustles around our campsite, her long, dark ponytail swinging behind her.
I can’t help myself. I wrap my arms around her waist from behind and inhale the lavender scent she’s wearing.
“Baby, you smell good,” I say, grateful I’m no longer stuttering. She turns in my arms, her breasts pressed against my chest. Her lips find mine, giving me a deep kiss which I eagerly eat up.
When we break apart, her eyes are locked on mine.
“Are you feeling better?” she asks, the worry evident on her face. It breaks my heart.
I force out a smile. “Yes, Teddy Bear.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “I’m fine.”
“Carter, you really had me worried this morning. I-I’ve never seen you like that before. Migraines don’t cause that—”
“Mine do. OK?” I brush a stray piece of hair away from her face. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I feel better already.” I force a smile onto my face.
She bites her bottom lip before nodding at me, uncertainty in her eyes.
“Carter, if you’re lying to me—”
“Then I’ll let you spank me.” I give her a playful wink, making a grin dance onto her plump lips.
“If you want rough, I can do rough,” she teases.
I grab her pert ass cheeks and tug her so close there isn’t any air between us.
“Oh, I want rough, Teddy Bear.” I nip at her ear. She shivers against me, her breath hitching. “Someday, I’m going to bury myself in your sweet, little ass and conquer all of you.”
“I want that,” she whispers in a choked voice.
I chuckle softly. “Me too.”
Before I can lead her away to do just that, because hey, I’m on borrowed time, Derek calls out to me, “Carter, you have a phone call.”
I pull away from Teddy and pat my pockets, looking for my phone. I thought I had it with me. I glance up to see Derek lifting it from the folding chair I’d been sitting in.
“Who is it?”
“Aarons,” Derek says, glancing from the screen to me.
I peek down at Teddy. She’s staring at Derek with narrowed eyes. Damn her and her intuition.
I shrug at Derek. “Let it go to voicemail.”
“But—”
“Voicemail, Derek. I doubt he has anything I need to listen to.”
Derek puts my phone down and grumbles before going back to setting up a portable grill.
“Want to see the inside of my tent?” I murmur in Teddy’s ear, picking up my thoughts where I left off.
She giggles, her hand rubbing against the front of my basketball shorts where my bulge is growing. “Aren’t you tired? We just had sex a few hours ago.”
“Teddy,” I admonish in mock shock. “You dirty girl. I asked if you wanted to see my tent not fuck me.”
She throws her head back, her exquisite neck on display, as a loud laugh falls from her lips. I grin at her reaction.
“You think you’re so clever, Carter George. You know if you take me back to your tent what’s going to happen.”
“Mm, maybe you should enlighten me,” I say, grinning wider. I like where this is going.
My phone rings again, interrupting us.
“I think you need to answer your phone.”
“I think you need to answer me.” I raise a brow at her. My phone stops ringing.
“I’m going to bend over and let you conquer all of me. That’s what will happen,” her voice is a low purr which has my heart thrashing madly in my chest.
“Promise?” I growl.
“Yes.”
My phone rings again.
“Damn it,” I hiss, drawing away from her. I haul in a few deep breaths to calm my dick as she laughs knowingly. I don’t really want to go over where Derek is working on the grill with a raging boner.
The phone stops ringing as I pick it up. I move to silence the damn thing when it jingles once more, Doctor Aarons’s name flashing across the screen. I cast a hasty glance at Teddy who’s gone to help Derek put burgers on the grill. Taking it as my opportunity to see what the hell he wants, I answer it, moving away from the campsite for privacy.
“You’re really ruining my day—” I start.
“Carter, I have news,” Doctor Aarons plows on. “Do you have a moment?”
I frown and peek at Teddy and Derek. Molly is dancing around them as Derek tries to get her to roll over for a hot dog. Teddy is laughing, not paying attention to me.
“Yeah, make it quick,” I say, moving further away from the campsite.
“I was at a conference over the weekend. Are you sitting down?”
“No.” I move deeper into the woods, my heart rate kicking up. “But if you don’t tell me what you called for, the anxiety you’re putting me under might put me on my ass.”
“There’s a treatment option,” he bursts out, breathless. My breath catches in my throat.
“What?”
“For your condition. I know I should’ve waited to talk to you about it, but I’ve already forwarded your medical records to this facility. I think you’ve got a shot, Carter.”
I run my shaking fingers through my hair. The idea of more time causes butterflies to take flight in my gut. “T-Tell m-me more.”
“A doctor with wild ideas and a shit ton of talent is heading the research team for it. The man is a genius, Carter. I listened to his seminar. The things he’s proposing sound impossible, but I think he can safely remove the larger tumors then shrink the rest with a drug his team has been studying.”
“H-How do I get this s-started?” I ask, closing my eyes and willing the stuttering to stop. “What are t-the numbers for s-survival?”
Doctor Aarons quiets on the line for so long I think I’ve lost him.
“Phil?”
“Sorry, Carter.” Doctor Aarons sighs. “I can’t tell you the numbers.”
“Why not?” I demand.
“Because there are none. He’s never done it before.”
“What?” I hiss. “Then why the hell are you calling me about it?”
“It’s a chance, Carter. The way I see it, you’re a dead man. You’ve got maybe five months tops, and that’s if we’re being optimistic. You’re losing control of your speech. The last time we spoke, you said you were experiencing numbness and loss of coordination in your hands and feet. Plus with your headaches and dizziness—”
“Yeah, well if his miracle operation kills me—”
“You’re already dead, Carter. Get it through your head. Don’t look at this as a risk. Look at it as a chance.”
“But if it doesn’t work…,” my voice trails off.
“Then you die anyway. Not to sound harsh, Carter, but I’d much rather die under anesthesia than waste away in a bed in my high-rise, begging for death to take me, and worrying for when it will.”
I blow out a shaky breath and gather my bearings before I speak again. “Does
he have any information on recovery?”
“It could be hard. It could be easy. I suppose it depends on what things look like once they’ve gotten a better look inside and how the surgery goes.” He pauses before clearing his throat. “I think you’re an excellent candidate, Carter. I wouldn’t be calling if I didn’t think you had a shot at this. Your cancer hasn’t spread to the rest of your organs. It was contained when we last checked. But we need to work fast. I don’t know what sort of window we have here.”
“You know I can’t decide this right now, Phil—”
“Christ, Carter, you could be dead in a month.”
I blow out a breath and look in the direction of Derek and Teddy. As if sensing me, Teddy’s eyes find mine. My heart aches as I see the affection in her eyes. As I realize I have to let go. As I realize our future together is close to expiring. Can I put her through the pain? My heart tells me no. But another part screams it’s too late. I’ve already tugged her into the grave with me.
I need to tell her the truth. She needs to know our future together is unlikely. If I do the surgery, I could die sooner rather than later. If I wait, I’ll have a bit more time with the woman I’m falling head over heels in love with. But the quality of that time is unknown. I don’t want to waste away in a bed like my father. And I don’t want her to watch it happen.
“How long do I have before I need to decide?” I ask softly, my eyes locked on Teddy who’s cocked her head at me, concern on her face.
“The sooner the better. When I get the call back, I’ll need to be able to give them an answer.”
I nod.
“OK. I’ll be in touch, Phil. I have a lot to think a-about,” I say, breaking my gaze from Teddy.
“OK, son,” he addresses me softly. Affectionately. “Maybe sit and talk it out with someone. Maybe your mom.”
“Right,” I mutter, squeezing my eyes closed. I still haven’t told her I’m dying. But to her, I’m probably already dead. Can’t really miss what you never bother to see and all that.