by K. G. Reuss
“Carter, there are some things you should sugarcoat in life, especially to your mother, and there are other times when the plain truth is required. This is a plain truth moment. So tell me, how much longer do you have?”
I swallow the hard lump of sugarcoated words down my throat and give her exactly what she asks for. “I don’t know. Three months. Maybe four. I’m feeling worse by the day. Could be only a few weeks at this point.” I spare her the ugly details of my speech, weight loss, and loss of coordination.
She sighs heavily on the other end of the line. “How long have you known?”
“I found out a few months ago and—"
“I’m taking the first train I can get. I should be there by noon.”
“No, Mom. I w-w-w-went on a crazy adventure across the country to try and l-l-l-live some of the life I’ve been denying myself…I’m n-not there.”
Her spoon rattles against her tea cup. I can picture her stirring it like during the snowstorm when I was seven and she had me read to her to distract me.
“I don’t want you to worry about me. That’s not why I called.”
“You can’t tell a mother not to worry about her child. It’s what we do from the minute we learn of our babies growing inside us. Of course, you won’t know that until you become…never mind. That was insensitive of me. Darling, tell me why you called then.”
I swallow. “There’s a procedure, an experimental one, they want me to undergo. I’d be the first ever, and maybe the last if it doesn’t work, to have it done.” I don’t know why I’m telling her this. I’ve already made my decision. Maybe some tiny part of me is desperate to hear her tell me I’ll be OK just one more time. Like she used to when I was a kid with a bellyache.
“And what have you decided?”
“I don’t want to die, but I’m worried it’ll eliminate what little time I do have left. I’m not going to do it.”
“Carter Anthony—”
“I’ve found someone. I want to be here for her as long as I can be. She has my whole heart, and if I don’t survive the procedure, our time ends the minute they cut into my skull,” I explain, watching Teddy step out of the tent.
Her messy hair hangs in strands. She’s holding her wrinkled t-shirt close to her body as she tiptoes across the grounds to the RV for the bathroom. Her beautiful sleepy doe-eyes look at me, and a smile softens her face. Yep. She owns my whole heart.
“Carter, you’ve always been an intelligent, but head-strong boy. I know I’ve been absent for the past decade of your life, but I love you so very much and worry for you. Those are characteristics that don’t go away, no matter the time or distance between us. Tell me you are going through with this procedure. Please. I-I always thought I had time to make things right—”
“Mom, things were never wrong between us. You’re you. I’m me. And I don’t harbor ill feelings because of who we are. I love you. I always will. I guess I just wanted you to know that. You know, just in case.”
“Oh, Carter,” she sniffles, her voice choked. “I love you too, sweetheart. Just please, reconsider the treatment. If you love this girl, fight for her. Fight for yourself. You deserve so much happiness.”
I swallow down a sob and wipe hastily at my damp eyes. “I’ll think about it, OK? I’ll let you know what I decide soon. I promise. Now, I’ve got to go. We’re planning a rafting trip down the Colorado River. I want to tell them we should hold off for a few days. I’m feeling a bit weak,” I admit.
“Jesus Christ, Carter. Don’t do this. Come home. Let’s explore all the options. Together. Let me take care of you like I should have—”
“Mom, it’s my life. This is my adventure, and I made a promise to someone that I fully intend to keep. I’ll call you when I’ve made up my mind.”
She sniffles into the phone, and my heart suddenly aches for the woman I no longer know.
“You’re all I have left,” she murmurs into the phone.
“That’s why I called, Mom. We’ll talk. Soon. I promise. I-I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I hang up the phone and drop it into my lap not wanting to say goodbye past that. I slump forward, resting my head in my hands.
Delicate hands massage my shoulders, making me moan and release the tension I’m holding in them. “Is everything all right?”
“Yes, everything is just" —I grab one of her hands and pull her around into my lap— “perfect. Like it’s supposed to be.”
“Who was that on the phone this early?” The concerned look on her face pulls at my heartstrings.
“It was my mom. I called to let her know we’re OK.”
“Oh,” she gasps in surprise. “I’m glad you did that. How was it?”
“We aren’t on regular speaking terms, but she’s my mom,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “Parents worry about their kids.”
I brush her bangs aside and tilt her chin up, looking directly into her eyes. “You’re going to call your family today, right? I can’t stand the thought of you going through life without a family connection. Do it for me. Please?”
“I promised I would. I’ll call. I can’t guarantee they’ll answer, but I will make an attempt.” She kisses me, making me swallow down a moan of pleasure. The woman knows how to work her mouth, that’s for sure.
“I’m making coffee,” she says against my lips. “It should be ready now. We’re going horseback riding today. Remember?” Without another word, she stands and pulls me up, lacing her fingers with mine as we walk.
“That’s exactly what I need to get me up onto a horse this early in the morning.”
The three-hour ride down into the basin of the canyon is daunting, and so spectacular no one would believe me without seeing it for themselves.
The canyon walls shimmer with ribbons of bronze and copper when the sunlight hits them. It’s breathtaking.
Not to mention the company I’m in. There are moments where I’m a little too busy taking pics of Teddy majestically sitting on her horse, so I miss guiding mine around some sagebrush and have to be fished out by our guides.
“City slicker,” Derek calls out, shaking his head in disbelief at my distracted mind, a smirk plastered to his face. I grin back at him.
The heat of the desert is rising as the sun finds its ways into the cracks and crevices of the environment. The air is stifling at many points even though we’re mostly riding in shadow. There isn’t any breeze blowing.
My hands twitch, and I let out a low growl.
Not right now. Let me have these moments.
We finally round a long bend of canyon wall, and the river comes into view.
“Amazing,” Teddy says, beaming the widest smile I’ve ever seen on her.
I walk my horse right up to hers, and we sit side-by-side silently taking in the view. I hope it’s better than anything she ever imagined it to be. “It’s beautiful, but not as beautiful as you are,” I lean over and murmur in her ear, placing a kiss on her cheek.
“I love you endlessly,” her voice is heavy with emotion.
Ever since saying the words to each other last night, we don’t miss a chance to repeat them. I’ve spent my life thinking that things like love and loyalty don’t exist. Teddy is proving me wrong on all accounts. The words aren’t heavy, making me want to run. Well, maybe they make me want to run, but not away. Never away. To her, more accurately.
“And I love you back, Teddy Bear.” Right then, my horse nickers as Derek approaches, so I back off.
“The river looks to be higher in its bed than I imagined it, but it’s not running wild like I also pictured it from the few rafting movies I’ve seen. I didn’t realize it was such a long way across or as narrow as some of these canyons are we just came through,” Derek says, his face ashen with anxiety.
“Sounds like someone is nervous. Who’s the city slicker now?” I tease, swaying forward as his fist draws back taking a swing at my bicep.
I twist away from him and follow the trail guides to
the makeshift tents to let the horses rest for a bit. Teddy and Derek finally catch up to us, and we lead the horses to the water troughs. After some much-needed time on solid ground in the shade of the tents, the guides start checking the horses.
“Ready to head back?” Alan, our lead guide, asks, rubbing the scruff of his dark beard.
I glance at Teddy who’s admiring her horse as she coos to it. A smile touches my lips as I shake my head at Alan.
“Would you mind giving us a few more minutes?” I ask.
“No problem.”
I hand my phone to Derek.
“Will you take some pictures for me?”
“Sure,” Derek says, starting the camera on my phone and following me to Teddy. I sweep her up in my arms. Amid her gasp of surprise, I press my mouth to hers in a delicious, deep kiss. When we break apart, we’re both breathless, our foreheads pressed against one another.
“Smile for the camera,” I instruct, turning my face to Derek who wastes no time snapping our photo a few times. When Derek is done, I take the phone from him and snap a selfie of the two of us before getting all of us in the shot.
I want to print these off and give the images to them, so they’ll remember this day.
“I think I was blinking,” Teddy whines as I pocket the phone.
“I’m sure it’s fine, baby,” I assure her, helping her onto her horse. “You’re beautiful both with and without your eyes open.”
A pretty pink flush warms her cheeks causing me to grin like a lovestruck fool. I turn to get back on my horse, but before I do, a wave of nausea and dizziness rushes over me. Falling isn’t my intention, but I go down to my knees, a headache blasting me full force.
“Carter!” Teddy shouts.
Derek is at my side as I hear the guide call out, asking if I’m OK.
“Carter, talk to me,” Derek urges, shaking my shoulders as I slump forward.
“J-just a-a-a-a l-lit-a-a-little diz-dizzi-n-ness,” I manage to force out. “G-gimme a m-minute.”
Derek lets out a yelp and falls sideways as I retch onto the ground in front of me.
“It’s OK,” Teddy murmurs over and over, her warm hand rubbing my back, her voice cracking. I never heard her get off her horse.
Alan hands me a bottle of water, which I take gratefully, sloshing more of it down my front than in my mouth, but it brings some relief.
“I-I can go. Let’s go,” I say.
Derek gives me an unsure look before taking my hand and pulling me to my feet.
“Carter—” Teddy starts, but I give her hand a squeeze and shake my head, wincing.
My brain feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice, and my vision is spotty. For a minute, I forget where I am or why I’m there.
“Carter?” Derek calls through the fog.
I cock my head at him. Carter. Carter George. That’s me. I’m in Arizona. I’m dying.
“I need to sleep,” I mumble, stumbling forward. Derek steers me to the horse where he and Alan help me climb on.
“I’m not too sure about letting you ride alone,” Alan says, worry etched into his young face.
“The sooner we leave, t-the better,” I breathe out.
“Well, I’m just going to tie you into your saddle, Carter. Don’t need you falling out and getting hurt.” Alan quickly cinches me in place without a word of protest from me.
“Ready?” he asks.
I give him a tired nod before he seems satisfied and mounts his own horse, leading us away from our resting place.
“Are you OK?” Derek asks.
“No,” I whisper. Or I think I whisper. Something tells me I haven’t because the look on Teddy’s face says it all.
Twenty-Nine
Teddy
Carter can barely hold his head up by the time we’re back at camp. It takes both me and Derek plus some guidance on Molly’s part, to get Carter walking on his own.
“My tent,” he mumbles as we steer him to the Beastmaster.
“Carter, you need a real bed, not an inflatable one,” I admonish, his large frame weighing my slight one down. I suck it up and keep balancing him.
“No,” he whimpers. “No, Teddy. My tent. P-please.”
I cast a glance at Derek who looks troubled. He lets out a sigh and nods to me. We turn Carter back to the tent and help him inside. He collapses onto the air mattress and begins snoring almost immediately.
“We need to talk, Derek. Now.” I stomp out of the tent, the sound of Derek’s reluctant shuffle behind me.
The moment we’re out of the tent and away from it, I round on him and jab him with my finger in his hard chest.
“What the hell was that? It’s like he had a damn seizure out there.”
“It’s just stress—”
“I swear to all that is good and holy, Derek, if you don’t tell me what the hell is going on with my boyfriend, I’m going to bury you in these woods.”
Derek flinches away from me, his eyes darting around the campsite as he licks his lips.
“Teddy, Carter is my best friend. I swore to him I wouldn’t say anything. I can’t break that promise.”
I sigh and rub my eyes. “I’m afraid, Derek.”
“Me too,” he admits, moving forward and wrapping me in a hug. “When Carter is ready to talk about it, he will. For now, saying he’s stressed isn’t a lie. Let’s let him rest for now. We should do the same.”
I nod, sniffling, as I move away from him. I need to call my parents. I swore I would, and now seems like the perfect opportunity.
“I’m going to make some hamburgers on the grill. You want one?” Derek asks.
I nod at him and wipe my eyes. He chucks my chin and gives me a sad smile.
“Cheer up. Carter wouldn’t want you to be sad. He’ll be fine,” his voice shakes a little.
“He’d better be,” I whisper. The fear of something really bad being wrong and me losing the one thing I’d been searching my whole life for nearly overwhelms me.
That possibility isn’t acceptable. I’ll do whatever I have to do to prevent it from happening.
“Mom?” I ask as the phone clicks and my mom’s voice comes over the line.
“Theo? Honey, is that you?”
“Hey, Mom,” I say, my eyes burning. It’s been months since our last conversation.
“What’s wrong?”
“N-Nothing. Well, everything.”
“Oh, baby. Is it that Dick you’re dating?” she asks.
I snort. “Richie, Mom. His name is—was—Richie.”
“You broke up? Is that what’s wrong? Because, honey, that boy was about as useful as tits on a bull.”
“Mom!” I’m shocked at her language. My mom is usually so reserved and proper.
She laughs for a moment. “It’s for the best, Theo. He wasn’t good for you.”
“I know, Mom. We broke up a while ago. I-I met someone else. I think he’s the one.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, but, um, he’s sick. He gets these headaches. They’re bad. He won’t tell me what’s wrong.” I pause for a moment. “I’m worried, Mom.”
“You need to talk to Dad, huh?”
“Do you think he’ll talk to me?”
“Sweetheart, you’re still his daughter. He’s a stubborn old thing, but he loves you. He’s in his study. Do you want to talk to him?”
I bite my lip before letting out a nervous sigh. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
“One second.”
The line goes silent for a moment before I hear her whispered voice then my father’s deep one. I’m not even sure if he will take my call. My mom has always been optimistic. I’m surprised a moment later when my dad’s deep voice comes on the line.
“Theodora.”
“Hey, Dad,” I breathe out. A fat tear snakes its way down my cheek at the sound of his deep voice, and I hastily wipe at it. I was always Teddy to my dad. Hearing him address me by my full name hurts.
“Do you need money?” his voice is tig
ht. Even if I did, I know he won’t give it to me.
“No. I-I called for a few reasons. None of them financial.”
“I take it you’re making money playing on street corners.”
I haul in a deep, calming breath. “I don’t play on street corners, Dad. In fact, I haven’t played for money in a long time.”
He’s silent for a moment before speaking, “Your mom tells me you broke up with that loser you were seeing in Nashville. That guy who paraded around, pretending like he was an agent.”
“I did.”
“Good.” There’ s a note of relief in his voice.
“I met someone else. I’m in love.”
Dad is silent for so long I fear I’ve lost him.
“Dad?”
He clears his throat. “What does this man do? Music as well? Starving artist?”
“He’s a businessman. Real estate, mostly. He owns his own company.”
“Really?” Dad’s voice lifts, relief coming out. “That’s good, Teddy.”
Teddy. There it was.
“He’s sick, Dad. Really sick. I’m worried about him,” my voice is choked again, and those damn tears are streaming down my cheeks. “I think he’s dying.”
“What makes you think that?”
“He has these headaches. His speech becomes slurred. He’s forgetful. His coordination is going. And today, I think he may have had a slight seizure. He doesn’t have a history of those things. He’s on this vacation, driving across the country. Derek, his friend, says he’s just stressed, but I know it’s something more, Dad. I-I need your help. I can’t lose him. I love him.”
“Where are you? I can see him early next week. I’ll have Janice move some appointments around,” he’s gruff, rushed. He’s all business now. This is a good thing.
I breathe out in relief. My dad is a busy man. For him to do this, it warms my heart, making me think he might not hate me so much.
“We’re in Arizona right now. He has this crazy idea that he wants to go whitewater rafting. I don’t know if he’s healthy enough for it.” I fidget with the hem of my shirt while I talk.