by K. G. Reuss
“Roger that. Grandview Tours boat 9. Please maintain the channel for updates.” Bo powers up the engine, and I sit behind Carter, holding him close to me as we race over the water.
Tears are still running wild down my face. Let them fall. I don’t care who sees them. This man—he’s my whole world now. I know we’ve only been together a short time, but we’ve made it count. He’s become such a deep part of who I want to be and the future I want for us. I can’t lose him now. Ugly scenarios rush through my head.
I can’t lose him. I only just found him! Please, God! Please!
Derek sits facing me and helps to support him as he continues to shake.
“Hey, he’s going to be fine, Teddy. He’s a fighter. Always has been. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about his illness before. You did deserve to know. This past year has been rough. After his dad died, he lost sight of what he was fighting for. He’s tired of being the asshole the New York City real estate market requires. I think in finding you, he’s found his purpose again. He wants more.”
I nod wordlessly, knowing if I open my mouth, only sobs of despair will come out. Instead, I press my hand to Carter’s chest and feel the rise and fall of his shallow breathing. His eyes have drifted closed.
“Hang in there, Carter,” I bend low and murmur into his ear, praying he can understand me. “Everything’s going to be fine. We’ve-we’ve got help coming. I love you. I love you so fucking much.”
Bo keeps peeking over his shoulder at us. I give him an unsteady thumbs up sign when I check Carter’s pulse rate and find it faint but steady.
God, please bring him back to me. Give him the strength to fight this battle and all the other’s coming his way. He’s a good man with many faults. He’s working hard to right the wrongs in his life, and just needs a second chance.
The raft takes a hard left as we round another bend and enter into the wide opening where the Colorado River runs into Lake Mead. We bounce over hard waves as Bo races to save Carter’s life.
Derek fishes Carter’s phone from his pocket and slides it into his.
Lights flash, and sirens blare across the rushing water at me from the distant shore. In the distance, the faint slapping of helicopter blades has my eyes searching the horizon, but I can’t see anything in the bright light of day.
As we approach the landing, I can finally make out the medics waiting for us with a stretcher and bright orange medic totes. Bo revs down the motor as we approach, but we still come in a little too fast and splash a few onlookers waiting to see what the commotion is all about.
The medics rush in and load Carter onto a stretcher. It takes Derek’s hand on mine to get me to release Carter from my hold. Terror courses through me as I watch them work on him. He’s so pale and unresponsive. One of the medics talks to Bo, who gives him all the information we told him.
Derek and I move to the edge of the shore, giving them all the room they need. Bo joins us to ease our panic. I bury my face in Derek’s shoulder as Carter begins seizing again, this time more violent.
Not good. Not good. Not good!
“Trust me. They know what they’re doing. He’s in good hands now,” Bo shouts over the whir of helicopter blades booming through the air and the wind assaulting us as it lands. Derek’s arms wrap around me tightly as my hair whips around us.
“They’re taking him, Teddy. He’s going to be OK,” Derek repeats his words over and over in my ear, like saying them will make it true. Carter is far from OK. We both know it.
I chance a look as Carter is loaded into the waiting chopper, IVs running from his arms. He’s no longer moving. They’ve intubated him. The ugly breathing tube protrudes from his slack mouth, causing a loud sob to rip from my lips. Derek squeezes me tighter as I weep against him.
“We’re sorry to have caused all of this,” Derek shouts, one arm still around me as he gestures with the other to the crowd of people, the flash of ambulance lights, and the commotion of the helicopter.
Bo shakes his head. “No one can predict this sort of thing. Just please let me know how he’s doing.”
I’m vaguely aware of Derek nodding. Everything seems so surreal. Fake. Like I’m walking in a cloud. This can’t be happening.
One of the medics motions for us to join them.
“We will,” Derek says.
“He’s going to be OK,” Bo promises. “We got help in time. I know it.”
“We won’t ever forget you,” Derek assures him, giving him a handshake with his free hand. Bo’s warm hand pats my back for a moment before Derek steers me to the ambulance.
“We need some information. Who can provide it?” one of the medics inquires. He’s young. Maybe my age.
Derek proceeds to give them what they need for transport. The other medic joins us and takes the notes his partner has jotted down. He rushes over to the helicopter and hands off the paper to the crew.
I watch with teary eyes as the helicopter lifts off, taking everything I’ve ever longed for away from me.
“Come on, we’ll drop you back to the launch site so you can get your vehicle,” one of the medics offers.
Thirty-Five
Teddy
The impressions of my fingernails are in the palms of my hands. We’ve been sitting in the emergency room for hours, waiting to hear anything on Carter. Whenever I go to the desk to ask, I’m told the doctor will be out shortly.
“What’s taking so long?” Derek growls, rubbing his hands over his tired face.
“I don’t know,” I murmur, my legs bouncing as I chew on a fingernail. I keep replaying the day in my head. His smile. His kiss. His face paling. His shaking. The blood from his mouth as he involuntarily bit his tongue and lip.
My eyes focus on the large red spot on my shorts. His blood. It’s stained my clothing. It’s still smeared on my thighs.
“Go clean up, Teddy,” Derek’s gentle voice pulls me out of my near fit of tears. “Wash yourself. I’ll wait here for the doctor and will come get you if they come out.”
I nod. He’s right. I get to my feet on autopilot and make my way to the bathroom where I stare at myself in the mirror. My green eyes are dull, and my face is pale. There are dirty streaks on my cheeks from my tears. My hair has long since fallen out of its ponytail. I’m not even sure where I lost my rubber band. Or how.
Quickly, I wash my face and hands. Then I wipe the blood off my legs before running my fingers through my hair, fixing it the best I can. I still look like hell. I don’t care. I need to get back to the waiting room.
I’m opening the bathroom door when I nearly collide with Derek.
“Teddy,” his voice is choked. My heart plummets at the look on his face.
Please, God, no!
“Derek?” I whimper, reaching for him. He takes my hand in his.
“He’s alive. He’s alive. I’m sorry. The doctor said he’s been intubated because he’s having trouble breathing. He’s had more seizures. They’re going to keep him sedated.”
I sag against Derek, sobbing.
“It’s OK, Teddy. He’s going to be OK.”
“I’m scared, Derek.” I weep into his shoulder.
“Me too. Me too.”
After promising Derek I’m fine on my own, he leaves me to go check on Molly, who’s waiting in the RV in the parking lot.
A bit later, I’m staring off into space, trying to be patient.
“Mrs. George?” Doctor Barlett, Carter’s assigned doctor, asks, shaking my hand. My heart lurches in my chest at being referred to as Carter’s wife.
“N-no, I’m his girlfriend. Teddy. Call me Teddy.”
“I’m sorry. Teddy, we have Carter sedated. We’ve been in touch with his primary care provider.” Doctor Barlett drones on as he leads me to Carter’s room. I’m barely listening. All I want is to get to him.
“It would appear that Carter had some very specific requests.”
“What?” I mumble as we stop outside Carter’s hospital room. I can hear the beeping and
clicking of the monitors inside. Even the sound of the machine helping him breathe is loud enough for me to hear.
“Carter’s doctor. . . a Doctor Aarons—” Doctor Barlett looks at the chart in his hands. “—has informed us that Carter is a candidate for a special procedure. It appears all the paperwork is in order.”
“What paperwork?” I frown. Carter never told me any of this, so everything Doctor Barlett says is completely new to me.
“The paperwork Carter signed prior to his current situation. He’s made you his power of attorney. You’re in charge of his medical decisions. Doctor Aarons says that Carter agreed to the procedure, his signature is on file and everything is in order. The choice is yours, Teddy.”
“I-what?” I squeak, looking from Carter’s room to Dr. Bartlett.
“There’s an experimental surgery to remove his brain tumors. Doctor Aarons says he’s flying in to speak with you in person. For now, we have Carter sedated. We’re going to let him rest tonight. If all goes well, we’ll remove his breathing tube in the morning and see how he fares.”
“H-how do you think he’ll fare?”
“It’s hard to say. He seized multiple times. He hasn’t had one in a few hours, but that’s probably due to the medication we have him on right now. We’re going to lower it and observe. I’m hopeful we can get him well enough to pursue the surgery he needs.”
I nod, my throat tight.
“How will he have the procedure if he’s here?”
“He’ll have to be flown to the medical center where it’s being done. Doctor Aarons says he has all that information for you. For now, I suggest maybe try talking to Carter. Reassure him. If you need anything, just hit the red call button.”
“Thank you,” I say softly.
I’m overwhelmed. Carter trusts me enough to put me in charge of his life. I swallow hard and pull in a deep breath. He needs me. And I need him.
I enter the room to find him worse than I pictured. The ugly tube protrudes from his mouth. Wires connect him to a myriad of machines. He’s pale and gaunt. My heart aches as I step to his side and take his hand in mine.
“C-carter,” I whisper, pressing a gentle kiss to his pale cheek. “It’s me. It’s Teddy Bear. I’m here. I’m not leaving.”
I settle in the chair next to his bed and kiss his hand.
“I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.”
Thirty-Six
Teddy
“Dad?” I say into my phone later that evening.
“Teddy? What’s wrong?”
I burst into tears, the dam I’ve built crumbling around me. It takes me a moment to calm myself before I can speak. In a rush, I tell him what’s happening.
“Carter George? That’s who you’re in love with?”
“I know. He’s famous and all—”
“No, Teddy. Did you say you’re his power of attorney?” Dad interrupts.
“Yes. But Dad, you’re missing the point. He’s sick. He had seizures—”
“I know who Carter George is. I already know his medical history.”
I fall silent for a moment. “What?”
“I’m the doctor he was referred to for his surgery.”
“You’re the one doing the experimental surgery?” I choke out, my heart somersaulting in my chest.
“I am. He signed everything for the go-ahead a few days ago. After viewing all his records, I think he’s an excellent candidate for the procedure. Teddy, why didn’t you say you were seeing him?”
“I-I don’t know,” I whisper, feeling numb. “Do-do you think you can save him? Because it’s bad, Dad.”
“I won’t lie to you. This is our first go at this. Aside from computer simulations, theories, and my own thoughts on the matter, it will be all new ground. The truth of the matter is, he might not wake up if things are worse than we thought once we get inside. The other side of that coin is if we’re successful, we’ve bought him more time, probably even a lifetime. And we might buy others more time,” his voice is soft. “Teddy, I do think Carter has a chance. Combine the surgery with the new drug, which is a combination drug and the odds go up. The meds are meant to shrink anything small that we may leave behind that’s beyond our reach. Top that with the radiation therapy, he has an excellent shot at survival.”
“But for how long?” I say, biting my lip.
“Years. Maybe his whole life. He might outlive you.”
“But you don’t know that for sure. He could also die on the operating table.”
“He could,” Dad says delicately. “Carter wanted this surgery. He wanted to try. Now that he’s in no place to decide, it’s up to you to make that decision for him. He gave you the responsibility because he knew you could handle it, and he trusts you. You probably know him better than anyone in the entire world.”
I swallow a sob and nod. I feel like I’m judge and jury. If I say yes to the procedure, he could die. Can I live with myself if that happens?
“I already booked my ticket out there,” Dad’s voice hauls me back to the moment. “I’ll bring a team with me so we can get him back here if you decide to do this. I daresay he’s going to need another day before we can travel safely. But I’m going to need an answer soon, Teddy. I’m not telling you this because I’m trying to push you to help me try this new procedure. I’m doing it because I don’t know how much longer Carter has left. Without this surgery, he will die. It’s just a matter of when. With the surgery, he may have a chance.”
“I-I need some time,” I say, numbness taking over me.
“I understand. Just don’t take too much. I’ll need an answer by morning.”
“OK,” my voice is thick. “I’ll call you in the morning.”
“OK,” it’s Dad’s turn to sound emotional, a strange thing since he’s the strong, gruff type. “Be brave, Theodora. We’re here if you need us. We love you.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I manage. “I love you guys too.”
I hang up and stare down at Carter. His cheek is damp. I wipe the wetness from his cool, pale skin, my heart aching. A tear has slipped from his closed eyes.
“What do I do, Carter?” I whisper, my own tears squeezing out. I clutch his hand. “What do you want me to do?”
“I’ll sit with him if you want to go to the Beastmaster and rest,” Derek’s soft voice calls out as my head lolls on the edge of Carter’s mattress. My back is screaming at me. I’ve been hunched over his bed for hours.
“Get yourself a shower and some food,” Derek continues. “I had a pizza delivered. Take a nap. You’re exhausted. I’ll make sure I get you if something changes.”
“I can’t leave him—”
“Teddy, Carter would want you to do these things. In fact, he’d steer you out of this room and make you. You know he would. So go. I’ve got this. I promise.”
I rise to my feet and nod. He’s right. Leaning down, I press a soft kiss to Carter’s cool skin.
“I love you,” I whisper, squeezing his hand. “I’ll be back. I promise.”
I let out a gasp of surprise when Carter lightly squeezes my hand. I look from him to Derek, wide-eyed.
“What’s wrong?” Derek asks.
“He-he squeezed my hand,” I say. “He can hear me!”
Derek smiles and looks to Carter. “Carter, you better wake your ass up in the morning. We need you, man.”
Carter’s hand twitches beneath mine, a slight squeeze before he stills. Tears well in my eyes.
“Baby, I’m going to leave you with Derek. I swear I’ll be right back. Just please, don’t…don’t leave me.” I kiss his forehead and back away, releasing his hand.
“What’s wrong?” Derek asks as I look at him.
“I-I need to tell you something.” I nod in the direction of the hall. Derek follows me out.
“What’s up?”
“I-I’m Carter’s power of attorney. I-I have to decide what to do.”
“I know.” Derek rakes his fingers through his hair and sighs. “He to
ld me he was putting you in charge.”
“That procedure? The one that could save or kill him? Remember me telling you about how good my dad is at his job?”
Derek nods.
“Well, I guess Carter’s referral was to my dad. I just found out.”
“Whoa,” Derek murmurs. “That’s nuts. Small world, huh?”
“Very,” I mutter. “My dad thinks Carter is an excellent candidate for this. But there are risks.”
“Carter would take those risks, Teddy. I’ve known him for a long time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s he doesn’t back down from a challenge. This will be his biggest yet. If he signed those papers already, he was ready for it. He trusted you to finish what he started. He trusted both of us. I don’t want to let him down. He’s truly my best friend.”
“I know,” I choke out, wiping away my tears. “But he could die. In just a few days if this goes south, he’ll be gone, Derek. I-I don’t know how I’ll live with myself if I say yes and that happens.”
“Teddy,” Derek says gently. “Carter is already a dead man. You won’t be the one killing him. If things don’t work out, it’s the fucking disease. Not you. Do you understand?”
I nod painfully, my chest tight, my throat burning.
“Get some rest. Please.”
“I will,” I say as he pulls me in for a hug. “Just please, get me if—”
“I promise.” Derek pulls away and gives me a sad smile. “Now go.”
I sink onto the bed I’ve shared with Carter the past few weeks, my heart heavy. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to decide the fate of the man I love. Rolling over, I slide my hand beneath his pillow and frown. I shift the pillow and pull out a worn book.
“What’s this?” I mutter, flipping it open and peering at the first page, taking in the beautiful handwriting.
I don’t know why the hell I thought I’d start a diary. No. Let’s call it a travel log. I guess maybe I thought it might help sort my thoughts. Perhaps after I’m gone someone can auction it off and make a few dollars. The great Carter George’s innermost thoughts before his death. Yeah, I can see it becoming a bestseller now.