by K. G. Reuss
I snap the book closed and bite my bottom lip. This is Carter’s diary. His innermost thoughts and feelings. Guilt washes over me as I finger the gold-edged pages. Carter is dying. There’s no denying it. And he never told me anything about his illness or what he really wanted, but he left me in charge. Hauling in a deep breath, I open the book again.
It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Besides, I’m desperate for an answer to figuring out what the hell I should do. Maybe Carter’s diary has the answers. I repeat it to myself before my eyes roam over the pages, taking in each and every beautiful word he penned.
By the end of it, I’m weeping. Carter loves me. Truly, deeply, this man loves me. He wants to live. He’s just as afraid as I am. I can’t bear losing him. God, I can’t. So that’s why when I pick up the phone, I say the words that will either save him or be the final nail in his coffin.
“Dad? Bring the team. We’re doing the surgery.”
Thirty-Seven
Teddy
“How long will it take?” I ask Dad as he stands before me in his blue scrubs. Derek and Phil are standing next to me. Carter was flown back to the east coast two days later. He’s still on the ventilator, and they kept him in a medically induced coma. He has been here longer because it took us an extra day to get a flight back. I’m antsy because I haven’t seen him.
“I can’t say for certain,” Dad says in a gruff voice. “It depends on what we encounter when we get inside. I’m banking on a minimum of twelve hours, though. That is, if he can make it.”
The blood leaves my face, and I sag against Derek who’s quick to wrap his arms around me.
“Don’t tell me that,” my voice is choked as I realize exactly what Dad is talking about. Dead. Carter could be dead in only a few hours.
“He’s a fighter, Teddy. I wasn’t lying when I said I think we have a shot at this.”
I nod, swallowing thickly. “Can I see him?”
“Of course.” Dad pats my shoulder. “I need to go over a few things with Doctor Aarons. Go see him before he’s taken in.”
“Come on,” Derek urges, steering me forward. I feel as if I’m floating. Like I’m in a dream. No, nightmare. I can’t believe this is happening.
“You go first,” I whisper as we stop in front of Carter’s door. “I-I need a minute.”
“Are you sure?” Derek frowns at me, worry etched onto his face. I nod, unable to speak.
He gives my hand a squeeze before pushing Carter’s door open and disappearing inside. I sink down onto the chair next to Carter’s room, my head in my hands.
Please God. Please, let him make it. Please don’t take him from me. I’ll do anything!
It’s a silent plea. One I’ve been repeating for days now.
Time seems to stand still yet passes far too quickly. Before I know it, Derek is coming out, his eyes moist.
“Your turn.”
“Is it bad?” I rise to my feet, wringing my hands. I swear I’ve been doing it so much lately the skin is starting to peel off.
“He’s sick, Teddy.” Derek wipes at his eyes. “Those machines in there are helping him. Don’t think about them as bad.”
I tip my head, my throat tight. Derek gives me a reassuring hug as I step forward.
“I’ll be right here if you need me.”
I nod again, my heart thrashing around in my chest as I step through the door. My breath catches in my chest as I take in the scene. Carter is in bed with so many wires and tubes connected to him. A machine helps him breathe. The even beeping of the monitor and the whoosh, whoosh of the ventilator is all there is. Plus, the roar of my blood in my ears as the situation hits home.
This may be the last time I ever see him.
I repeat my prayer again as I take unsteady steps toward Carter’s bed.
“Hey, baby,” my voice cracks as I take his cool hand in mine. I place a kiss on his forehead, brushing his dark hair aside. “I miss you, Carter.”
I stare down at him for a moment, tears trickling down my cheeks. He looks ashen. Pale. Gaunt. Gone.
Finally, I realize I’m sagging against the mattress, so I sit in the chair beside his bed, pushing the ugly thoughts out of my head.
“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” I whisper, his hand still in mine. “I’m so in love with you. I-I can’t do this without you. I never knew what I was missing before, but I know now it was you. It was always you, Carter. Please…come back to me. Don’t go.”
A soft sob leaves me, the ache in my chest tearing me apart. My body shakes with my tears as I cling to his hand.
I choke on a sob as his hand twitches beneath mine. Then the slightest tender squeeze.
“Carter?” I manage to rasp out.
I’m on my feet, peering down at him, my tears splashing onto the ugly polka dot hospital gown he’s in. The beeping of the monitors increases. “Can you hear me?”
His hand twitches beneath mine. It’s good enough. He’s still with me. Hope soars inside of me, melting away the darkness of the past few days.
“I’ll wait for you,” I murmur, pressing another kiss to his forehead before moving to whisper in his ear. “I’ll wait forever.”
Thirty-Eight
Teddy
“Your father assures me everything looks promising,” Phil, Carter’s doctor, says as we sit in the waiting room. Derek returns with three cups of coffee and doles them out to us.
“Carter’s a fighter. He’s going to make it,” Derek says firmly, giving me a small smile.
I nod miserably. Despite their words and my feelings of hope from earlier, I can’t shake my worry. We’re approaching the sixth hour of surgery. My father has sent someone out every hour to keep us informed. So far, Carter is holding his own.
My attention is drawn to a slim, older woman dressed in a blue pantsuit. Her dark hair has streaks of gray in it and is tied in an elegant bun on her head. She peers at us for a moment before seeming to come to a decision.
Phil looks up as she approaches, recognition in his eyes.
“Laura,” he greets her, getting to his feet. “It’s been a long time.”
“Phil,” she returns, a sad smile on her lips. “We need to stop meeting like this.”
Phil gives a soft chuckle before he turns to us. “This is Laura George, Carter’s mother.”
I widen my eyes as I take her in. The woman looks like she could command an entire nation with just the point of a finger.
“Laura, this is Derek, Carter’s friend and Teddy, Carter’s girlfriend.”
“I’ve heard about you,” Laura says as I stand. I’m afraid she’s going to be one of those overbearing mothers who can disarm me with a single look. Instead, she leans in and gives me a gentle squeeze. “You’re as beautiful as he said you were.”
I’m surprised at the compliment and feel the heat rush to my cheeks.
“Thank you,” I manage. “Carter means the world to me.”
She nods, a sad smile on her lips. “Me too, although I’m sure he’s already told you our history.”
It’s an awkward statement which leaves me speechless. If she notices, she doesn’t seem to mind because she turns to hug Derek before taking the seat Phil has offered her.
“How long has he been under?”
“We’re going on seven hours now,” Phil says. She pales.
Phil rushes on. “But it’s looking good. We received an update only minutes ago. They’ve removed two tumors successfully, which was a lot faster than we thought they’d be.”
She nods, and Derek offers to get her a coffee. She agrees, and he leaves. Her gaze focuses on me again.
“How are you holding up, dear?”
“Barely,” I say, my voice shaking. She pats my knee and gives me an encouraging smile.
“Carter would be proud of you. I’m sure he’s going to tell you the moment he wakes up.”
I breathe out and give her a smile. I appreciate that she’s trying to be kind. We all need
the encouragement in that moment.
“Teddy, you should sleep,” Derek murmurs in my ear. I’ve been sitting in the same spot for hours. Phil and Laura left long ago to rest.
“They haven’t been out with an update in hours,” I whisper, tearing my eyes away from the picture of a bowl of fruit I’ve been staring at for the past few hours. “He’s been in surgery for fourteen hours, Derek. Something’s wrong. Why haven’t they come out to give us an update?”
“I don’t know.” Derek rubs his eyes. “But no news is good news, Teddy.”
I focus my gaze back on the bowl of fruit. The hours have been long. After speaking to my mom on the phone and her consoling me for an hour, I paced the waiting room floor before focusing my attention on the fruit picture.
“Teddy, I got you a room at the hotel down the block. I even made sure you had clothes and everything waiting for you there,” Derek says gently.
I tear my gaze away from the picture and look at Derek. “What?”
“Carter would kick my ass if I didn’t make sure you were taken care of. And I know damn well he’d be pissed knowing that you’re here hungry and exhausted. I can call you when he’s out of surgery.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I’ll wait until he’s out. Once my dad gives the all clear, I’ll go to the hotel.”
Derek lets out a soft sigh and chuckle. “You’re just like him. So damn stubborn.”
I give him a sad smile. “Birds of a feather.”
Derek is about to reply, but my dad comes into the waiting room. I’m on my feet and rushing to him.
“How is he?” I ask. Dad looks exhausted. His eyes are heavy, but he gives me a smile.
“It went well. I’m sorry I didn’t update. We got in there, and I didn’t want to stop the progress we were making.”
“What happened?” I beg.
My dad grins at us. “We got all the tumors.”
“All of them?” Derek croaks out, his eyes mirroring the disbelief in my own.
“All of them.” Dad’s grin widens. “He’ll need a round of chemo alongside the drug we’re experimenting with, but as long as it takes, I don’t foresee too many issues.”
“He’s going to live?” Tears stream down my cheeks. My dad squeezes my hand and leads to me to sit down.
“Teddy, while the surgery was successful, Carter will have a lot to overcome. We’re going to keep him in a medically induced coma so he can heal. This is going to be a long journey for both of you. His speech and sight might be affected, but we’re hoping we can correct that as we do therapy and the medicines take hold. For now, things look promising.”
“But they aren’t a hundred percent,” I whisper.
“Sweetheart, you know nothing in this world is. I suggest getting some rest. We all have a long road ahead of us, and Carter will need you to be rested and healthy.”
“I want to see him. I want to stay with him tonight.”
Dad sighs and glances at Derek.
“She’s ridiculously stubborn. I’ve been trying to get her to go to the hotel, and she won’t.”
Dad chuckles. “That sounds like my girl.” He gives me an affectionate squeeze. “You can stay with him tonight. These next few days are crucial to his recovery. Perhaps hearing your voice will spur him on. But tomorrow night you go to the hotel and rest in a real bed and get yourself a good meal. Got it?”
“Promise,” I say, getting to my feet. “Please take me to him.”
“Follow me.”
Thirty-Nine
Teddy
I strum my fingers across the strings of my guitar and peek up at Carter. He’s been in a coma for two weeks now. His chocolate eyes are still hiding from me, but the half smirk, half smile on his face lets me know he hears me singing to him.
Don’t wait for me on the other side
I’m here right now
Just open your eyes
For a girl who never believed in fairy tales
You’ve rescued me
Oh, I’ve been waiting for you
To come set me free
The first Independence Day fireworks explode over the Hudson River. Their boom rattles the glass, making me jump. I set my guitar down and close my journal, tucking my pen inside. I pull the chain to roll back the blinds for Carter to have a look. Maybe the lure of bursting colors will stir him to open his eyes. I’d give anything to see his eyes again.
I push the sleeping recliner in place and angle it toward the window next to Carter’s bed. Settling down into it as comfortably as possible, I take Carter’s hand in mine and watch the colors erupt in the night sky. Our first July 4th together. A sigh of relief escapes my lips as I take solace in knowing we’ve made it this far. He’s going to be fine. If only he’d wake up. The tubes that were helping him breathe are gone. The wires and cords connecting him to life have dwindled. Carter is holding his own.
I take out my phone and snap a few pics of the brilliant view from the fifteenth floor of St. Anne’s Medical Center. Then I turn the camera around to get a selfie of us together with the fireworks.
The night nurse, Chantelle, pushes her cart into the room. Quickly, I put my phone away. Must be time for vitals and medicine again.
“Oh, perfect! I timed it just right,” she says, pointing to the fireworks painting the sky outside the window and winking at me. She scans Carter’s wristband and proceeds to wave her magic temperature wand across Carter’s forehead.
“Yes, perfect timing. They just started. Too bad you’re not out there enjoying the fun.”
“Girl, no. That’s not fun at all. The crowds, the traffic, and all those rude people. I’m glad I’m in here where it’s quiet.” She adjusts Carter’s blankets. “How’s our patient doing tonight?”
“He’s good tonight—calmer. Last week was heartbreaking to watch him struggle.”
“Well, he’s got his angel singing to him.” She points to my guitar leaning against the window ledge. “I swear you’ve calmed half the patients down on this floor. If no one’s told you before, you should be a singer. You’ve got the pipes for it.” The beeping on Carter’s heart monitor rises slightly for a few seconds then normalizes. “See? Even Mr. Carter agrees with me.”
“Well, if Mr. Carter agrees with you, then he should wake up and tell me himself,” I huff my idle threat and glare at him.
We both watch his face for a hard minute, but his eyelids only flutter, that same half-smirk, half-smile still gracing his beautiful face. My shoulders sag in defeat.
She laughs at the look on his face. “Girl, he’s an alpha male. Idle threats won’t scare him. Those virile eyes will open when he’s good and ready. Now let’s get some medicine in him, so he can come back to you sooner.” She scans his ID bracelet again and pushes the medicine into his IV. “He’s healing from the inside out. Give him time; he’ll come back when he’s ready.” She winks at me and pushes her cart back through the door, leaving us alone.
Spending this time alone while he recovers—well, I’ve thought about every word we’ve ever spoken to each other…some in anger, some in friendship, but mostly in love, and he’s right. I play life safe, staying in the middle lane, letting others be in charge of my dreams so I can blame them when things don’t work out. I’ve been present but not accountable. Medical school and singing in Nashville were both my fault, and yet, I put all the blame and my anger on Dad and Richie.
What’s the point of having a dream if I’m not going to own it and pursue it? My feeble attempts at my goals were simply rebellions by a young mind who didn’t know what she wanted.
Well, I’ve grown up since leaving Nashville.
A break from music and our adventures have helped me kickstart my own passion again.
Meeting Carter is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s fate, as cliché as that sounds. He says it’s karma that led him to me.
Carter inspires me to write and sing again. He’s done nothing but encourage and support me, pushing me to believe in myself.
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I’m going to show him I can move into the fast lane, stepping outside my comfort zone and insecurities to be in control of my own destiny.
I open the book of notes I’ve been collecting from my internet research. There are clubs here in the city with open-mic nights. I know I can do this. I made a start once and will use my lessons learned to do things differently. I jot down a quick to-do for tomorrow and shove it back into my bag.
The barrage of the fireworks finale has started. I’ll give the crowd some time to die down before making my way to the hotel for a shower and an attempt at a good night’s rest. Laura asked me why I wasn’t staying in Carter’s penthouse. The truth is, I can’t bear being in his space. I was there last week, leaving some of his clothes. While the views of Fifth Avenue and Central Park are gorgeous, his home doesn’t feel like a home. It’s cold and sterile with no signs of family or personal mementos. There’s nothing there which gives me a glimpse into Carter’s life, unless I count the emptiness. It’s such a stark contrast to the warm and laughing man I’ve come to love in his black RV, the Beastmaster, as he and Derek lovingly call it. I’d give anything to be back in it with him now. Carter’s dark stallion.
When I finally do stay at Carter’s place, I want us to be together. We’ll sleep in his bed. We’ll make love. He’ll whisper he loves me, and I’ll giggle as he grins his boyish smirk at me. I want to wake in the morning next to him. Being there without him makes me feel like half of me is missing. Even though Derek offered me the keys to Carter’s home after I complained about my noisy neighbors in the hotel, I still can’t do it. It’s not my place without him.
“You need to wake up soon, my love. I miss you so much,” I say, my voice cracking halfway through. I swipe at a tear which threatens to roll down my cheek. Be strong one more day, Teddy. He’ll wake up tomorrow. I know it.