Misadventures with a Twin

by Elizabeth Hayley

  He rested his forearms on the island and leaned forward on them. “Yeah, I miss it. I miss everything about her.”

  “Still?” I asked, finally looking up at him.

  He returned my gaze, the look in his eyes intent with honesty. “Every day.”

  The next question formed on my tongue, but I bit it back. There was no tactful way to ask it, no polite way to phrase it. But it felt like my subconscious had brought me here for answers, and I’d already done a million stupid things. What was one more?

  “Was it worth it?”

  My dad’s brow furrowed. “Was what worth it?”

  “Loving her. Was loving her worth the pain of losing her?”

  He straightened and ran a hand down his face before he settled his palms on the tile. “Was it for you?”

  “She was my mom. Of course it was worth it. And I didn’t have a choice but to love her. But you chose. And then you lost her, and I just… I need to know, Dad. If you got to do it over again, would you still make the same choice?”

  My vision went fuzzy, and I dipped my head a bit to hide the welling in my eyes.

  My dad ducked down to catch my gaze with his. “In a heartbeat. She was the love of my life, and she gave me my two boys. Do I wish I got to have her with me for longer? Absolutely. But I have never for a single second regretted loving her, because while being without her hurts, the thought of not having had the chance to love her at all is unbearable.”

  The tears fell then. I felt them streak down my cheeks as my dad rounded the counter and dragged me to him like he used to when I was a kid. The hug was rough and tight and everything I needed from him. I sank against him and let myself find the comfort I wasn’t sure I deserved but needed all the same.

  He held me for a minute, and I was able to get myself under control. “When I asked if losing her was worth it for you, I wasn’t talking about Mom.” His voice was rough in my ear, full of his own emotions, but I didn’t pull away. “You gotta ask yourself something, Colton. And be honest. Was letting Zara go the way you did worth how you feel right now? Because you had what your mother and I had, son. Or at least the beginnings of it. And now you have the pain that comes with not having it anymore.”

  He pulled back and cupped my face in his big hands so I couldn’t look away. “But you didn’t lose her. You let her go. And that’s a difference you’re either going to have to live with or do something about.” He took a step back. “Eat your eggs.”

  Wiping my face, I took a deep breath and settled back onto my seat. I scooped up some eggs, but before I brought them to my mouth, I said, “Dad?”

  “Yeah?”

  And maybe it was odd for the words to make me uncomfortable, but they weren’t words we’d exchanged often. They were words we intrinsically knew without them having to be said. But I was coming to learn that a lot of things could get lost in the silence, and there were some things that needed to be made clear before you lost the chance to do so. “I love you.”

  He smiled. “Love you too, son.”

  Returning his smile with a small one of my own, I dug into my breakfast, and he started talking about the odds of Brady winning another championship. Things between us had been restored to their factory settings, and it felt good to have one relationship in my life back to the way it should be.

  Now I just had to figure out what to do about the other one.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Colton

  I didn’t know what to do with my hands. Or my eyes. And my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. But in some strange way, it felt like my chest was completely empty, with no heart at all. Zara would probably agree with that.

  I was scared to death of what might happen over the next few minutes. It wasn’t that I was afraid to tell her how I really felt. It was what her reaction would be that had my palms sweating and my throat dry. I guzzled part of a bottle of water before setting it back in the cup holder and shutting off the ignition.

  My dad had told me Zara would be at the restaurant getting a few things ready before the grand reopening this weekend, and I was hoping that meant she couldn’t just take off if she didn’t want to see me. I told myself I’d respect her wishes if she asked me to leave, but I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to if it came to that. At least not without saying what I wanted to say. I’d given up without a fight, and if my last two interactions with Zara were any indication, I’d better be ready for one.

  I zipped my jacket up to my chin and jogged toward the front door, hoping like hell it was open. If it was locked, I was fairly certain Zara wasn’t going to open it once she knew who stood on the other side. I pulled lightly and sighed in relief when it opened. I could see Zara toward the back, sitting at the bar with her back to the door. She didn’t turn around, so she must not have heard me. She was obviously too distracted by the music playing through a Bluetooth speaker behind the bar and the paperwork she was studying in front of her.

  I watched her for a length of time more appropriate for a lion hunting unsuspecting prey than for a human to stare at another person without their knowledge. If I’d felt like a stalker before, I was pretty sure this visit might result in a restraining order.

  I managed to sit a few seats down from her without her looking my way, and again my hands couldn’t find a place they felt comfortable. I rubbed my thighs and cracked my knuckles and pushed my hands in and out of my jacket pockets. I wasn’t sure if I cleared my throat as a way of alerting her to my presence or if it was another nervous tic, but when she heard me, she startled for a moment before realizing it was me. And then she looked back down at her papers.

  “Your dad’s not here.” She picked up a pretzel from a bowl beside her and placed it into her mouth.

  “I know. I came to see you. Third time’s the charm, I’m hoping.” I laughed softly, but it was absent of any real humor. She didn’t laugh, and that didn’t surprise me. “Can we talk?”

  She set her pen down and straightened her posture in a way that came across as professionally distant, giving me a glimpse into what all future interactions might look like now that she worked with my father. “I honestly don’t know what there is to talk about.” She didn’t sound angry. She sounded like she was stating a simple fact. “I’ve said everything I need to say.”

  “But I haven’t,” I replied, my voice urgent with the need to speak before she stopped me or I lost the courage to do so.

  Like I had, she laughed, but hers sounded more disgusted than awkward. Her lips were tight—her expression filled with something I couldn’t describe other than to say it made my insides feel all icky.

  I’d planned this conversation so many times in my mind over the past twenty-four hours. What I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, possible responses to her replies, if she even chose to reply to any of it. But never in my imaginary scenario had I begun our conversation how I did. “Do you know what I like best about having a twin?”

  She was silent for a moment. “The fact that you can impersonate each other whenever it’s convenient for you?”

  “I deserved that.”

  “No shit you did.” If I didn’t know she still despised me, I would’ve thought I recognized a lightness to her voice I hadn’t heard since our breakup. But I knew better than to point it out.

  “I deserve a lot of things,” I said. “I deserve your anger and your hate. I deserve to be called a liar and any other horrible word you can think to call me. The only thing I don’t deserve is you.”

  She looked over at me, holding my stare, which I didn’t dare let go.

  “But that doesn’t mean I won’t fight for you anyway.”

  “I don’t hate you,” she said.

  Her comment comforted me more than it probably should have.

  “I’ve been miserable without you, Zar. I’m sick because of it. And even though it’s completely selfish of me to ask you to give me a second chance, I can’t just let you walk away. Not again.” I felt like I’d let all of
that out without taking a breath, so I inhaled deeply to replace the oxygen that seemed to be missing from my lungs.

  She sighed and popped another pretzel into her mouth. “What is it you love about having a twin?”

  I’d forgotten I’d asked the question, but I knew the answer anyway. “It’s that I have someone who knows me better than anyone else does. Someone who can finish my sentences and will call me out on my bullshit.”

  “How nice for you,” she said, not bothering to hide the sarcasm in her voice.

  “I’m telling you this because, before you…before we had whatever it was we had, the only person I felt that way about was Corey. I could never imagine having a connection with someone else like that, and I never wanted to.” I thought I saw her eyes soften a bit, but it was difficult to tell in the dim light. “I know I told you it didn’t matter what my name was because you knew the real me, but I realize now that’s not true. You don’t know the real me. Not completely, anyway.”

  She tensed, pressing her lips together before she said, “You know what? On second thought, I don’t even want to hear whatever it is you’re about to say. I’ve heard enough of your lies. I’m done with all of it.” She waved her hand, dismissing me and anything else I planned on sharing.

  “I love you,” I blurted out. “And that’s not a lie. Not even close to one. If I’m being honest, I’ve loved you for a while, but I was too much of a chickenshit to tell you. You want to know who I really am? I’m a coward and I’m selfish, and I make one bad decision after another.” I nervously brushed some imaginary lint off my pants.

  “Keep going.”

  “I should’ve told you I wasn’t Corey that first night, but I didn’t, and I can’t change that. In typical Colton Jensen fashion, I dug myself a hole I couldn’t climb out of. And I didn’t want to, because telling you the truth could’ve meant not only losing my dad’s deal, it could’ve meant losing you.”

  “But you told me eventually anyway,” Zara said softly. I could tell none of it made any sense to her, and she was right for being confused. It had made no sense to me either until my talk with my dad. “And you still lost me.”

  “I’m trying to change that.”

  “Keep trying,” she said.

  I had a chance, though probably not a good one. “I was scared you’d leave, so I pushed you away. You said you wanted to know who I really was, but it’s better off you didn’t. I’m an asshole who has no idea how to be in a relationship because I never thought I wanted one. I was terrified to have one. I watched my dad lose the love of his life—someone he loved for twenty years—and he hasn’t been the same since. I can’t imagine going through that.” My gaze locked with Zara’s, and she looked like she was fighting back tears. “So I pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me before I could love you more than I already did. Because any more time with you would only make the inevitable end that much more difficult.”

  Zara was quiet. Thankfully she didn’t look angry anymore. Just sad.

  “I’m not asking you to pick up where we left off. It would be naïve of me to think we could.”

  “Then what are you asking?” I thought I saw her expression fall a bit, like my admission disappointed her more than I already had.

  “I’m asking you to give me a chance to start again—to do it right from the beginning this time. And if it doesn’t work out, then I guess we really aren’t meant to be together. But I want to try.” My voice was soft, my eyes pleading. “I want you to let me try.”

  She shook her head, but it seemed more out of doubt than refusal. “How do we just start again?”

  She’d opened the door a crack. Now all I needed to do was push it open enough to fit through it. I gave her a shy smile. “Do I know you? You look so familiar, but I can’t figure out where we’ve met.”

  It took her a moment to realize what I was doing, but I could tell when she did because a lopsided smile played at the edge of her lips. She leaned her elbow on the bar and propped her head up in her hand as she looked at me. “I think we went to high school together.”

  “Yes!” I pointed at her excitedly. “Zara Pierce. I remember now. You’re so much more beautiful than I remember. Gorgeous,” I added softly.

  “I was a bit of a nerd in high school.” It could’ve been wishful thinking, but I thought I saw her move a little closer to me.

  “And I was an arrogant prick who only cared about myself.”

  Releasing her head from her hand, she smiled. “Now see, if you had introduced yourself like that at the reunion, I would’ve known you were Colton immediately.”

  “I’m trying to be serious here,” I said, though my laugh told her otherwise. I was sincere, but the fact that she was joking with me flooded my veins with a relief I never expected to feel.

  “Sorry,” she said. “Continue.”

  I extended my hand to her, and I relaxed even more when she took it. It had been too long since I’d touched her. “Colton Jensen,” I said. “It’s nice to see you again.”

  “Nice to see you again too, Colton. Seems like I’m not the only one who’s changed a lot since high school.”

  “No,” I said. “You’re not.”

  ZARA

  Until he’d come into the restaurant, I hadn’t realized how much I’d truly missed him. But I’d had time to think about all of it, to accept that a part of the misunderstanding—albeit a very tiny part—had been my fault. And even though the continuation of the misunderstanding—lie—had been CJ’s fault, the truth was, just like him, I’d been miserable since we split. I could tell he was trying desperately to hold back a grin as he brought my hand up to his lips. When he released it, I missed his touch immediately. I needed it again, needed more of him this time.

  “I’m not usually this forward,” I said, “but would it be okay if I kissed you?”

  He brought his hand up to my cheek and gently stroked it with his thumb. “It’d be more than okay. It’d be perfect.”

  And with that, our lips found the other’s, and somehow we were right back to where we were, no longer in the roles of virtual strangers who’d reconnected at a bar. We were CJ and Zara, two people who loved each other but were terrified to tell the other.

  “I was scared too,” I said, pulling away between breathless kisses.

  “Of what?” His lips found my neck after removing my shirt, and they worked down my body from my collarbone to my breasts.

  “Of this,” I said. “Of loving someone so fully I can’t be without them. I was worried about what it would do to my career. To my life,” I added. CJ’s mouth made my head fuzzy, and it was getting more and more difficult to think straight.

  His attention to my chest was interrupted when he brought his gaze up to meet mine. “You love me?” he asked. “You don’t just need to say that because I did.”

  “CJ?” I said. “Colton?” His name tasted good on my tongue, sweet and rough like the man himself. “No more lies, remember? We’re done with those. If I say I love you, it’s because I mean it.”

  His smile beamed for a moment before he lowered his head and I couldn’t see his face anymore. Once we were both naked, we looked for any available surface to make up for the time we missed while we were apart. I wrapped my legs around him as he held me up, kissing my neck and carrying me to the edge of the bar to set me on top of it. It wasn’t long before he was hovering over me too, lining himself up and pressing into me.

  I dug my nails into his back as he pumped into me, both of us racing to the end because we knew this was only the beginning. We could do this again and again, forever. And forever sounded like a perfect amount of time.

  Neither of us spoke aloud. Our eyes and actions said more than any words could’ve. We’d talked enough, and now wasn’t a time to talk. So we let our heavy breaths and racing heartbeats tell the other we were getting close. And when we finally came, it was a release like one I’d never felt before.

  Colton kissed me, a slow and lingering kiss, before
climbing off me and the bar and helping me down. We headed to the bathrooms to clean up.

  “We can never tell your dad we had sex on his bar,” I said.

  “It’s your bar too now,” CJ said. “We’ll just tell him we stayed on your half of it.”

  My jaw dropped before I realized he was kidding.

  He laughed. “Or we’ll just Lysol the hell out of it and hope no one notices.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  Epilogue

  Colton

  Two years later…

  I slid my hand from Zara’s lower back, stopped walking, and turned to face her. She stopped with me. Silently, I took in the glow of her skin, the way her hair fell softly over her shoulders, how beautiful she looked. For a moment, my attention focused on the pendant she wore around her neck—the one I’d never thought I’d take off mine—and I wondered how I’d gone my whole life trying to resist this feeling. It was absolutely perfect.

  I took her hand and brought it up to my lips for a kiss. “You ready for this?” I asked before turning toward the restaurant again and beginning to walk slowly.

  “I’m excited. What about you?”

  “Excited is one word for it.” I could sense her staring at me more than I could see it. “I’m kidding. It’ll be fun.” I hoped, anyway. Gender reveals weren’t normally on my agenda, and the few I’d been to had been less than enthralling, but of course this one would be different because it was our baby.

  Once inside, we were greeted by our family and friends. Zara’s mom gave me a kiss on the cheek, even though I’d just seen her a few days prior. And her father shook my hand before pulling me into a hug.

  “How’s my grandson doing?” he asked, and I had to laugh.

  Both our families had been texting us possible names and using gender-specific pronouns for weeks, hoping to get us to slip up. But we were a vault that couldn’t be cracked. Corey even took me out for way too many beers, and somehow I’d still managed to keep it a secret.