Zero Apologies

by Autumn Jones Lake

  “Hey, I’m not asking because it’s personal. I’m trying to work out some information I was given.”

  Her anger seems to dial down to a simmer and, finally, she shrugs. “I wish I could tell you more, but I’ve only had limited contact with her.”

  I call Lala over again. “You got Josey’s number?”

  “No, but I have Sasha’s.”

  “Call her and tell her there’s a big party going on this weekend and to bring as many friends as she can round up. Don’t mention Josey specifically unless she mentions her first. Can I trust you to do that for me?”

  “Yes! Absolutely, Z. Uh, I mean, Prez.”

  “Z’s fine, sweetheart.” I flash a smile at her and she struts away.

  Lilly’s waiting with a barely-patient expression. “Z’s fine, sweetheart,” she mimics.

  I roll my eyes at her. “Are you seriously jealous?”

  “Nope.” She taps my chest. “I told you. I don’t do jealous.”

  “Good, because if you think I see anyone else in this room or want anyone else in this room besides you, you’re fucking nuts.”

  Her expression softens and she presses her palm to my chest. “Keep talking.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Lilly

  Tomorrow, we’re supposed to head to the upstate clubhouse for a celebration in Z’s honor. Today, I feel like crap and just want to hide under the covers.

  “What’s wrong, Siren? You’re pale as fuck.” Z steps out of the bathroom and sweeps his gaze over me. “You in pain?”

  My cheeks heat. How is this man always so damn perceptive? Not a lot embarrasses me anymore, but I can’t remember ever discussing such intimate details with a boyfriend. “Cramps,” I finally mumble when he sits down next to me on the bed.

  His face falls and I playfully slap his leg. “You can survive a few days without sex.”

  He smirks. “It’s cute you think that’ll stop me from fucking you.”

  “Uh, okay then.” He can’t be serious. I sit up and put my back to the headboard. “What’s with the disappointed face, then?”

  He shifts, inching closer to me. After raining a few soft kisses over my exposed shoulder, he whispers, “I’ve filled you with so much cum lately, I was hoping I knocked you up by now.”

  His dirty words send sparks of desire firing inside me. Still, I can’t help ruining the moment. “You think now…with everything going on, that’s a good idea?”

  The playful look on his face vanishes and I wish I’d kept my mouth shut. But he’s not mad. More thoughtful. He takes my hands in his, staring down at them for a few seconds. “Probably not. I can’t stand for you to go through that alone again. Although,” he meets my eyes and I get a little lost in their deep blue depths, “even if things don’t go…my way, you wouldn’t really be alone this time.”

  “No,” I whisper. “Everyone made that clear while you were…” My voice trails off because I can’t bear to say any version of locked up, in jail, behind bars. None of it.

  “Why don’t you go back to sleep and I’ll get little man up and ready for the day.”

  “Thank you.”

  He rests his hands on my belly. “Or,” he says in a low, rumbling voice, “is there something else I can do to make you feel better?” His lips brush my earlobe, the sensation a bolt of lightning to my nipples.

  “I already took some Advil.”

  He moves my hand to the rock-hard bulge behind his fly. “I had a more holistic approach in mind.”

  This man. “Holistic, huh?”

  “Uh-huh.” He stands and takes my hand, tugging me out of bed. “You, me, a hot shower and a couple of orgasms, I bet you’ll feel much better.”

  I’m not even sure what to say, but I like the way my man thinks.

  I’m one lucky bitch.

  With the amount of parties I’m expected to attend, it’s a good thing I don’t have a job at the moment.

  “Being my old lady is your job right now,” Z assures me when I voice that concern.

  I shoot a glare at him. “Ten years ago, I would’ve stabbed you for saying that.”

  “God you’re fucking hot.” He reaches for me and I step away.

  It’s hard to admit what’s really bothering me. “It almost feels wrong to celebrate when we still have these charges looming, Z.”

  His playfulness vanishes, replaced with pure devotion. “I can’t tell you how much better it feels to have you say ‘we’.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “I know you are. We’re going to get through it. Right now, I’m out and things look good according to my attorney, so let’s try to enjoy the day.”

  “Are you sure I shouldn’t go down early to help Charlotte out? I feel kind of useless.”

  “They invited us. Rock and I thought it would be a good idea for the two charters to mingle more.”

  “I’m surprised you didn’t before.”

  Z pauses and runs his hand over his chin. “We did, but it was always a little tense. The way Sway’s club formed, there’s always been some lingering animosity between us.”

  “Well, from what I’ve heard and the few times I met him, Sway seems different from you guys. In a lot of ways. I’m guessing that’s why the clubs splintered?”

  “Sort of.”

  That’s all I’ll get out of Z about “club business” which is fine. I don’t need a lesson in Lost Kings MC ancient history. If it’s something Z thinks will impact me, he’ll let me know. “Well, I’ll still stick around and help Charlotte clean up.”

  “I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.” He leans in to kiss me. “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. I’m excited to get out and see everyone. With you. As good as everyone treated me, I felt incomplete without you.”

  “Come here.” He pulls me closer. “I know all of this has been rough and I’m sorry. But I’m so fuckin’ happy you’re still here.”

  I can’t help but wrap my arms around him and rest my cheek against his chest. “There isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. We’ll get through this, Z.”

  “I still want to go to California with you and help you pack up your place.”

  “Oh, shit. I forgot all about it, honestly. I should probably give the landlord a call.”

  “You need money? This is my fault it’s taking so long for you to get back.”

  “I’ve got it covered for now, but I’ll let you know.”

  He squeezes his eyes shut for a second and either laughs or breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank fuck. Thought you were going to bite my head off and tell me you can take care of your own shit.”

  I’d be mildly insulted, except that a couple years ago, that’s probably exactly what my reaction would’ve been. “Nope. We’re in this together, Z.”

  “As soon as this is dropped, I’ll be able to go with you. If it drags on…”

  “Then we’ll figure it out. Don’t stress about it now, please? We’re supposed to relax and have a good time with everyone. You can fret about everything on Monday.”

  He touches his forehead to mine, still staring into my eyes. “You’re what I’ve needed in my life for so long.”

  “I don’t know if old Lilly would’ve been as beneficial to you.”

  He draws back. “Why do you say that?”

  “Back then, I wasted a lot of time worrying about the wrong things. How other people saw me. Pleasing my parents because I felt guilty for moving out when I was younger.”

  “They tried to marry you off like it was the middle ages.”

  “I didn’t say it was rational.” I shrug. “I had it drilled into me to respect my parents and elders forever. Most of my rebellious streaks got squashed quick. So, even though I know I made the right call, the guilt lingered.”

  “I understand. It’s hard to give up on the people you’re supposed to love the most. But when all they do is cause you harm, sometimes you have to let them go.”

  “Thank you.”

 
He raises an eyebrow. “For?”

  “Not judging me. You make me feel like I can tell you anything and you’ll take my side.”

  “That’s because I will.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Z

  “Are you upset we had to take the truck?” Lilly asks, glancing in the back at Chance. “We could’ve followed you.”

  I reach over and squeeze her leg. “I feel like we missed enough time together while I was inside. I want to talk to you.”

  She rests her hand over mine. “So, you don’t miss your bike?”

  “Real story? Sure. First time I was ever on a motorcycle, it allowed me to experience true freedom. Nothing else in the world like it.”

  “I can understand that. How old were you?”

  “Fourteen? Fifteen? Can’t remember. A friend of my dad’s let me mess around with his old Harley.”

  “Your dad didn’t ride?”

  “Hell no. He thought that was beneath him.”

  “Hmm…sounds like my family. I take it he’s not proud that your president of a motorcycle club?”

  I snort and then full-out laugh. “That would be a no. I’m pretty sure he tells people he only has two sons now and that’s fine with me.”

  Lilly makes an irritated humming sound, like she’s pissed on my behalf but doesn’t want to talk about anything unpleasant today. “Go on.”

  “I had this old piece of shit BMX bicycle I loved when I was a kid. Pedaled that thing all over my neighborhood. Got into lots of trouble.”

  “Romancing the neighborhood girls?”

  I can’t help laughing. “Yeah, probably. Worked my ass off from the time I was tall enough to push a mower for my dad’s landscaping business, though. Needed to blow off steam. He thought having children meant free labor.”

  “So, you were a horny, but rebellious and driven teenager.”

  “Hell yeah, I was.”

  “How’d you come up with the money for a motorcycle?”

  I glance over and grin. “I had my own side-hustle. My father’s company mostly had large commercial contracts—”

  “How’d he get away with child labor?”

  I shrug. “People looked the other way. Not so sure he wouldn’t be questioned about it now, but back then no one said anything.”

  “Go on.”

  “He didn’t waste time with small residential contracts. So, on my off hours, I’d “borrow” his equipment and mow all the neighbors’ yards for cash.”

  “Wow. You must’ve been exhausted.”

  “I didn’t care. I wanted out from under his thumb and that was the only way I could figure to do it. My lazy-ass brothers would just go home and play video games, but I’d keep on working until the sun went down.”

  “So, you saved up and let me guess, your first purchase was a motorcycle.”

  “Yup. Even better than a BMX. You could go a fuck lot faster and farther.” I laugh at what a dumbass teenager I was. “I didn’t stop to consider that a motorcycle I only paid a couple hundred bucks for probably wasn’t in the best condition. Broke down in Empire.”

  “Ouch. And I’m guessing you didn’t want to call your dad?”

  “Hell no. He threatened to kick me out when I brought ‘that piece of shit’ into his driveway.”

  “What’d you do?”

  “That’s how I met Rock. He stopped to help me out.”

  “Really?”

  “Bikers aren’t all surly bastards. We stop and help out one another all the time. I must’ve looked extra pathetic, though. Rock helped me fix it. Taught me to ride properly. Helped me get my license.”

  “You were driving without a motorcycle license?”

  “Why do you sound so shocked? Outlaw, baby.” I glance over and catch her laughing.

  “Right, sorry. I forgot for a minute. So, then you joined the club?”

  “Not right away. He started bringing me around the club. Had to hang around for a while before they’d even let me prospect. Prove I was trustworthy. Could keep my mouth shut and be loyal.”

  “I take it you passed with flying colors.”

  “Eventually. Found a better family than the one I’d been born into. Grinder, Lucky, Rock, Wrath—”

  “Wait, I think you’ve mentioned Grinder, but who’s Lucky?”

  Shit. I wish I hadn’t brought him up. So many bad memories of a good brother who died way too young. Maybe it’s running Sway’s club that’s fucking with my head. Bringing up old memories of events that almost destroyed our club. “He was an officer when I started prospecting and patched-in. He died. It’s a long story.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Club life only works when there’s an established set of rules. All the brothers have to accept and commit to those rules.”

  “I get that. It’s not about one individual, it’s about the club as a whole, right?”

  “Exactly.” And from what I can tell, Sway seemed to forget that over time. I was busy in the early days helping to rebuild the upstate charter, so I can’t say whether it was money or power that fucked Sway up, but somewhere along the way he stopped putting the brotherhood first.

  “We’re a circle and depend on every brother to watch our backs. Loyalty to the brotherhood has to come first.”

  “Then leadership and loyalty are everything to a president running a club like yours,” she says quietly.

  “That bonding and brotherhood is what allows us to come close to true freedom.”

  “Is it really free, though, if you have so many rules to follow for the club?”

  She’s not asking to be argumentative. I sense she genuinely wants to understand this life I’m pulling her into. It’s only fair I give her honest answers. “You have to give up some things in order to be free. It’s the only way a brotherhood like ours works. Not many men can do it. Their egos stop them. Or their fears hold them back. But when it all comes together, it’s a true family.”

  “Wow.” Lilly shakes her head. “There aren’t a lot of people who can say that.”

  “I know. That’s why we guard what we have so zealously. It’s not just because we’re a pack of testosterone-inflated cavemen.”

  She laughs.

  “Well, maybe a little bit of that.” I wink at her.

  “What else do you need?”

  “A good woman by my side. Not every club sees the value in that, I’ll be honest. But we do. And by we, I mean upstate. That was part of what drove the two charters apart.”

  “Ah, it all makes sense now.”

  “Women are an asset to the club. Valued.”

  She’s quiet for a few seconds. “I’ve witnessed that over and over. The way Rock is with Hope. The respect Wrath has for Trinity. That first opened my eyes that maybe this club stuff wasn’t as bad as I thought.”

  “Well, I’ll have to thank them for that then.”

  Lilly

  The heart-to-heart with Z on the way up here lingers like a warm, fuzzy blanket wrapped around me. It helps me understand why he’s so willing to do anything for the club. Not that I ever had any illusions he’d leave the club for me or anything else. Nor would I ever ask him to.

  So many motorcycles are lined up along the side of Teller’s driveway, I start wondering if he’s opened up a shop. Then I spot Hope’s car and tucked farther down by the shed, Heidi’s.

  “Kids ruin all your fun, huh?”

  “Nah, I’m guessing Rock and Murphy rode down early this morning to help Teller set up the place. And by set up the place I mean, Teller and Murphy bickered like children and Rock had to threaten them with violence to shut them up and get some work done.”

  Laughter pours out of me, because I’d certainly witnessed one or two situations like that when Rock stayed at the house with us.

  Chance wakes up when the truck stops and Carter meets us, holding Alexa in his arms.

  “Illy!” Alexa yells and holds out her arms. My heart melts. She’s such a sweetheart. Before spending so much time with her, I did
n’t think I even liked any other children except Chance. I realize I’ve missed her and take her from Carter for a second.

  “What are you up to?”

  “Thickens!” She points to a corner of the yard with a little house and fencing around it.

  “Teller has some hens,” Carter explains.

  I start laughing. “Better keep Rooster away from them.”

  “He’s already been told he’s not allowed in there.” Carter laughs. He leans into the open door. “Hey, buddy. You coming out?”

  Z holds out his hand to Carter and pulls him in, slapping him on the back. “Good to see you, kid.”

  Chance is more than happy to take off with Carter and Alexa.

  We make our way over to the heart of the party slowly. Z introduces me to a brother who I’m pretty sure I’ve met before, Bricks and his girlfriend Winter. Their kids are slightly older but don’t seem annoyed about hanging out with the little guys.

  “Welcome home, Z,” Bricks gives him a hearty hug and back slap. “Had us worried for a minute.”

  “Had myself worried, brother. Not out of the woods yet, but it’s good to be out.”

  “You’ll beat this.”

  That seems to be the theme of the party. Everyone’s upbeat and positive. It honestly helps me have a better outlook about the situation. I won’t lose Z. I can’t. It’s not an option.

  I spot Charlotte by the house. “I’m going to see if she needs help.”

  I finally track her down in the kitchen.

  “Oh my God, I’m a mess today.” She laughs and hefts a cooler full of cans of soda. “Can you grab the door?”

  “Do you want help?”

  “I’ve got it.” She jerks her head at the slender girl mixing salads on the counter. “Maybe help Swan.”

  “Hey, Swan.” I’m pretty sure I’ve met her before. “I haven’t seen much of you lately.”

  She gives me a soft smile. “I’ve been around. Trying to stay out of the old ladies way once…never mind. Hi, Lilly. It’s good to see you again.”