Zero Apologies

by Autumn Jones Lake

  The corners of her mouth slowly curve up. “I love you too.”

  “Missed you all day.”

  “Same.” She leans in and kisses me. “I’m happy you’re home.”

  Home.

  I glance around at the back yard, the house, the pool. It’s not quite the home I had in mind.

  But then, I look at my family and know the location doesn’t matter. It’s the people surrounding me who make it a home.

  Epilogue

  ZERO

  A way down the road…

  * * *

  “You’re sure we’re finding out the sex today?” I ask Lilly for the millionth time.

  “If she’s in the right position, yes.”

  “It still might be a boy.” Actually, I don’t care. I’m just thankful we’re having this one at all.

  She’s exasperated with me. But fuck I love going to every appointment with her and Chance.

  I heft Chance up in my arms. “You want to find out if you’re having a brother or sister?”

  He shrugs and looks away. “I don’t know.”

  “I told you we should’ve been trying harder,” I murmur to Lilly once we’re in the car. “He’s almost old enough to not want one at all.”

  “If we tried any harder, your you-know-what would’ve fallen off.” She rests her hand over her bump and stares down. “I never knew I had an issue. My man must have magic stuff.”

  “You know, I never get tired of hearing you say that?”

  “I’m aware.” She sits back and closes her eyes. I reach over and place my hand on her leg.

  “Feel okay?”

  “Just tired.”

  “You rest. I’ll get us there.”

  I have to wake her after I park the car. She’s still groggy on the way inside. Something I plan to ask the doctor about today.

  Chance perks up when we enter the doctor’s office.

  The doctor’s pleasant enough. “Let’s see what we can find out today.”

  The wump-wump of the baby’s heartbeat gets me every time. I squeeze Lilly’s hand and hug Chance a little tighter to me.

  “There she is.” The doctor points to the screen. “You’re having a girl.”

  “Are you sure?” Lilly asks.

  The doctor smiles. Probably gets asked that a lot.

  Outside, armed with a new vitamin prescription that should help with some of the fatigue, Lilly throws her arms around my neck. “We’re having a girl!” she says against my lips, kissing me. “Told you.”

  “Mom, Dad. Can we go?” Chance taps the window to get our attention.

  “We’re going. Hang on.” I squeeze Lilly’s hand to stop her from climbing into the car. “Here, I wanted to give this to you today.” I place a dark blue, square box in her hand.

  “What is it?”

  “Open it.”

  She carefully pries the lid of the box. “Oh,” she breathes as she pulls out the long silver chain and the locket dangling from the end. “It’s a mermaid.” She smiles up at me. “She’s so pretty.”

  “Look closer.” We both tip our heads to study the sparkling design. “Her struggles are over. She’s sunning herself. Enjoying life.”

  She stares at it and takes a deep breath before meeting my eyes. “She is.” Her mouth twitches with a hint of a devious smile. “I bet she settled down with a merman who has a giant cock.”

  “The mother of my children,” I mutter with a grin stretched across my face. “It’s a locket. Open it.”

  Chance’s picture is on one side, the other one waiting for our baby girl.

  “Z, it’s perfect. Thank you.” She sighs and wraps me up in another embrace, pressing her cheek against my heart. “I love you so much.”

  I swallow around the tightness in my throat. I’ve killed for this woman and I’d do it again. No hesitation. No regrets. No apologies.

  “You mind stopping at the clubhouse before heading back?” I ask.

  “I think Hope will be upset if we don’t.”

  After she’s safely inside, I take a moment to send a quick text.

  Chance can’t stop squirming in his seat once he knows where we’re headed.

  The gate swings open for me as soon as I get close and I guide the truck up the long, steep driveway. The parking lot’s full, but Lilly doesn’t ask why.

  Inside the clubhouse, we find Ivy toddling around the main room. “What are you doing out here all by yourself?” I ask, swinging her up into my arms. “Where’s your brother?”

  She points toward the dining room, and I kiss her cheeks before setting her down.

  “I had my eye on her,” Willow whispers loudly from the hallway. “Independent streak in that one.”

  “Hey, Willow.”

  She hurries over to hug Lilly and say hi to Chance.

  “The parking lot is packed.” Lilly glances around at the empty clubhouse. “Where is everyone?”

  Willow jerks her thumb over her shoulder. “Dining room.”

  Chance grabs Ivy’s hand and tugs her toward the hallway. The two kids race ahead of us.

  “What’s going on?” Lilly mutters.

  “No idea.” I grin at her.

  She squints at me. “You’re up to something.”

  I shove the swinging doors open about a second before Chance smacks into them.

  “Surprise!” a chorus of boisterous voices shout.

  Lilly turns to me. “What is this?”

  The room’s covered in pink and yellow. Streamers, balloons, everything. Full of our whole Lost Kings MC family. Upstate and Downstate. “I think it’s kind of obvious.”

  Lilly smacks my chest.

  “Please tell me it’s still a girl,” Hope says, rushing over to hug Lilly.

  “Oh my God, yes.” Lilly dissolves into laughter. “What is all this?”

  “Your baby shower!” Hope glances over her shoulder and calls Trinity over.

  “The guys didn’t want to be left out,” Charlotte says. Teller glances at her like he had a slightly different statement in mind.

  “That’s not exactly how this happened,” Jigsaw says. “We were lured here for a—”

  Rooster cuts him off with a fist in his gut.

  Chance finds Grace and picks her up in a bear hug.

  “We need more boys in this mix,” Ravage says. “Who’s going to take over the club when we’re all too old?”

  “Me!” Alexa raises her hand and jumps up and down in front of him. “I will.”

  Lilly places her hand over her belly and laughs. “Sorry to disappoint, Rav. This one’s a girl.”

  Bit-bit tugs on my jeans and I pick her up. “Planning to run the club with your sister?”

  She shakes her pigtails back and forth.

  Baby Connor smiles and laughs when Lilly picks him up. “He’s getting so big,” she coos at him and kisses his chubby little cheeks.

  “Ready for another sister?” I ask Ivan. He side-eyes me like I’ve betrayed him by bringing another girl into the family. “You’ll appreciate it one day.”

  “That’s creepy if you’re basically saying he can date his sisters,” Ravage says.

  “For once you say something useful,” Rock says.

  Rav opens his mouth, and Murphy slaps him on the back. “If you make another crack about having anyone’s eighteenth birthday circled on your calendar, I will end you.”

  “Get in line,” Teller mutters.

  Ravage raps his knuckles against Murphy’s skull. “Easy there, steel plate.”

  “I don’t have a steel plate,” Murphy growls, shoving him away.

  “Anyway,” Ravage says. “I was going to say, y’all need to draw up a family tree.”

  Hope laughs. “He has a point. For once,” she mutters.

  “I heard that, First Lady.”

  “I know you did.”

  Somehow Trinity ends up with most of the kids following her around vying for her attention. She sets them up with a huge roll of craft paper on the floor and finger pai
nts. Sparky hands his shoes to Willow and explains to the kids how they can also be used as toe paints.

  Rock lets out a deep sigh and shakes his head.

  “It’s all washable.” Swan bites her lip. “I hope.”

  “Figured that would keep them busy for about five seconds,” Wrath says, slapping me on the back. “Did not count on Sparky joining in.”

  “You should know better by now,” Dex says.

  I lift my chin at the kids. “Sure you don’t want to get in on this, old man?”

  “Nope,” Wrath answers right away. “We’re headed to Belize on Monday. Just the two of us.”

  Trinity sneaks up behind him and wraps her arms around his waist. “My man’s planning to catch me some lobsters with his bare hands.”

  Wrath curls his arm around and pulls her forward. “Fuck yeah, I am.”

  “Now that I want to see,” Lilly says. “Pics or it never happened.”

  “Promise.” Trinity grins at us. “Present time!” She takes Lilly’s arm and steers her over to a chair at the head of the table.

  Bit-bit toddles over and climbs into Lilly’s lap. She traces her tiny fingers over the roses inked into Lilly’s right arm. “Pwetty.”

  “Thank you, Brittany.” Lilly kisses her cheeks and catches my eye over the top of Bit-bit’s head. Laughing, she looks up and searches the room for Heidi. “I’m taking this one home with me.”

  Heidi laughs. “Some days, I might just say yes to that.”

  After most of the brothers have said at least one hello to us, they all head to the second clubhouse down in Empire.

  “See you in the a.m. for church?” Steer says, giving me a fist bump on his way to the door.

  “I’ll be there.” Tomorrow we’ll have a joint meeting, squeezing all the brothers into the chapel in this clubhouse. Then a smaller group of us will ride out to The Castle to check up on our support club.

  “Grinder still on the road?” I ask Rock.

  He nods without taking his eyes off Grace, who has paint smeared from hair to toes. “Said they should be here tomorrow.”

  “Good.”

  Tonight, my only concern is Lilly. I settle my hands on her shoulders and lean over to kiss the top of her head. “I guess we need to come up with a name.”

  She reaches up and squeezes my hand. “We have some time.”

  Yes, we do. “I love you.”

  She tips her head back and stares up at me. “Love you too.”

  She’s my purpose, my reason. And she’s given me all the things that before her I’d only admit I wanted in the deepest parts of my soul.

  After the disappointment, betrayal, and hurt, we finally have each other and our family.

  Sometimes pretty white lies are easier than the ugly truth. But sometimes the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves…

  White Lies (Lost Kings MC #15) is available for pre-order now!

  Get all the details by clicking here.

  International

  Landing Page: https://mailchi.mp/autumnjoneslake/lkmc15

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  AUTHOR NOTES

  What a wild ride! This year has been all about Z, which has been great because he certainly waited long enough for his story to be told. Somehow, I still feel like I could write another three (or ten) books about him. I just fell in love with Z and Lilly over and over while writing their story. I loved that after Lilly has a brief moment to question whether sticking with Z is healthy for her and Chance, she is all in and completely devoted to Z and the club.

  Thank you for hanging in there and patiently (or not) waiting for all three books.

  I was torn about whether Z should stay downstate or go back upstate all the way up until the end. Actually, I knew after Zero Regret he was probably going to stay downstate, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself (kind of like Z!) I originally always planned for him to go home. But then, once I kept writing his story and Z was so awesome at being president, it seemed unfair to send him home, even if that’s what he really wanted. He more than earned his place at the head of the table downstate.

  At a certain point, I tried to force him home because something I want to write…way down the line…sort of hinged on Z living upstate. But then I realized that was ridiculous. I needed to do what was right for this story right now, not something I plan to write five or six years from now. Future Autumn can figure out that problem.

  Plus, let’s be honest, Sway has done nothing to redeem himself and prove he is capable of running the club again. Rooster is still too new to his VP job…Z’s the only one who makes sense. For those of you who will complain that his status was “unresolved,” um, no. No, it’s not. Unless you would like me to write about him right up until he’s on his deathbed, this is where his story ends. This is a romance, not an MC biography. Z has his mermaid and his family. That is his HEA. His job title…who knows where life will take him? But you can be confident Lilly will be right by his side no matter where he goes.

  Plus, I think it will be good for Rock to have someone he trusts running the only other NY charter. Hmmm…somehow I always end up working out in my head what’s best for Rock. Why is that? That man is never satisfied, no matter how many books he gets.

  Anyway. I wrote the wedding scene a while ago. Way, way back I plotted out (haha!) and titled a bunch of wedding-themed books for each of the Lost Kings. But as I was writing Z’s story, this just felt so right. An added benefit, I figured no one would be expecting it. And I just loved the idea of the impromptu reception thrown together by both clubs.

  This year has been nothing short of amazing. I’m totally in awe and blown away by my awesome readers. I am so lucky to have you. At the beginning of the year, I made up this vision board (I know, I rolled my eyes too when I did it) and I actually put USA Today bestseller on it. I said it “out loud” to the universe. Sure, I’ve talked to Mr. Lake for years about how much I wanted to make that goal. How just out of reach it seemed to be. And I may have told some other writing folks while seeking advice on how to make it happen. But I had not put it into something so visible.

  Then you guys made it happen with Zero Regret! I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been told making a list with a series like mine would be impossible. It’s too long, most of the books cannot be read as stand alones, I don’t do a ton of expensive giveaways around release time, I have trouble reaching out to other authors to ask for support, I don’t have a dedicated PR person or assistant, etc. What those well-meaning advice-givers failed to recognize is what I do have—passionate, loyal readers! I am forever grateful to you. Your pre-orders, posts, and reviews are what helped make my dream happen. Seriously, I could not have done it without you. Sure, there are always stories about sneaky ways authors can buy a bunch of their own books and goose their way onto a list, but 1) I’m way too lazy to figure out how to do that and 2) I’d feel pretty shitty about myself if I “cheated” to make a list.

  I always said, as long as I made it once in my career I’d be thrilled and that’s still true. I have no idea how Zero Apologies will do. And I know it depends on a lot of different factors. Of course, there is always the hope that each book will do better than the last, but one can never expect it and I don’t.

  Sorry, I realize that was three (or four!?) paragraphs about making a list—something most non-authors don’t give a crap about. All I really wanted to say was that I see you and I thank you.

  Ah, and then came July when I was even luckier to be part of the Love, Loyalty, and Mayhem anthology which you helped make not only USA Today but the Wall Street Journal bestsellers list as well. That was amazing and celebrating that achievement with my fellow authors was truly something special. The icing on the Mayhem cake for me was how much you guys loved Rooster and Shelby. I definitely have more planned for them in the future.

  The future of the Lost Kings MC…what is it? Holy shit di
d I start to panic when a lot of readers started to assume that Zero Apologies was going to be the last book! NOOOOO! Oh my gosh! I thought I’ve been pretty up front about wanting to write this series until I die! I mean, I’ve been considering branching out into Lost Kings: Downstate and Lost Kings: Next Gen and the support club is going to be something amazing that I think you will love, but I have no “plans” (this is me we’re talking about, I don’t “plan” anything!) to “end” the series. I suppose there is marketing “value” in having a “finished” series to advertise because some people don’t like to start reading a series until it’s finished. I honestly can’t wrap my head around that. I love living in the Lost Kings’ world. They are a lively and vocal bunch in my head, so unless they stop talking to me…I plan to always write them…I think. Oh boy. I just know sometime in the future someone is going to send me a screenshot of these notes and say, “see what you promised in 2019!”

  I keep a whiteboard in our dining room with a chart of all my “ongoing projects I really want to publish in the near future.” There are like twelve or thirteen books on that list all in various states of completion. Every time I panic that I’m out of ideas, Mr. Lake points to the board and says, “I think you’re good.”

  Oh, right! Future of the Lost Kings…Well, White Lies is next. Can I confess to you how much angst I have had around this book? It’s probably not the smart thing to publish next. A full-length book for Rooster probably would’ve made more sense after the success of the Love, Loyalty, and Mayhem anthology. That legitimately didn’t occur to me until after LLM released. And I’ve kept Mr. Lake up many nights obsessing about this, but (probably to my detriment) I’m super-stubborn about some things. I can’t move forward with the series until things happen a certain way. Just like how I couldn’t get to Z’s books until after I’d written After Burn/After Glow. It’s just…the way the story has to go. I mean, I guess I could do whatever. I loved writing Swagger and Sass and could’ve written buckets more for those two but I need Murphy to have his wedding. I’ve wanted to write White Lies…well, since I finished writing More Than Miles. And so many of you love Murphy (thank you!) but once in a while I’ll get messages or comments about how much someone hates Murphy or Heidi and it makes me totally doubt writing another book for them (and say a few choice other things.)