All I Want for Christmas

by Jenn Faulk

Good grief.

  “Yeah, I don’t think your masculine prowess or virility is what this is about,” she said, rolling her eyes as he raised an eyebrow at her. “Especially since Bethany’s nearly five, and this is…”

  Our first scare.

  Scare. It hardly seemed right to call something like this a scare. Sure, she was good and scared at the thought of having a baby in this confusing season, but… well, she and Jude were happily married and committed to one another for a lifetime. They were financially stable enough. And it’s not like they’d never thought about having another baby. That had always been the plan. Another baby… eventually.

  So… how bad would it really be if she was pregnant?

  Bad, actually, she reminded herself sharply. She was moving to Africa! She didn’t have time to be big and pregnant and worn out and hormonal and sick all the time and –

  “Ja, well,” Jude said. “It was bound to happen eventually.”

  “The Lord opens and closes the womb,” Lucy said, almost mournfully, threading her fingers through his as she thought about what this would mean for them. “And I can’t complain about that. But wow… the timing of this.”

  She glanced over at him, expecting that he’d look as stressed out as she was, but he was smiling. Smiling and shaking his head.

  “What?” she asked. “What are you thinking?”

  “A baby,” he said. “We just might have a baby in Namibia. In Swakopmund.”

  That’s not what she’d been thinking at all. She thought they’d need to put their plans on hold for another year, at least…

  A baby. In Namibia.

  “I can’t have a baby in Namibia!” she said, feeling truly panicked now, thinking about her doctor here in the US, how she’d walked Lucy through her pregnancy so patiently and kindly, how the care of the staff and the hospital where Bethany had been born had been a balm to her at a time when she had been missing her mother so acutely.

  “People have babies all the time in Namibia,” Jude said, waving this away, as if Lucy’s concerns were scientific, practical. “My mother had four of them. Because, you know. Botha men –”

  “Better than most, yes, yes,” she muttered.

  “And she had them right there at the hospital in Swakopmund, right where you would have this baby.”

  He was grinning widely now.

  “What?” she asked. “What’s that look for?”

  “I’m keen on the idea of one of my children being born on Namibian land,” he said, a hint of pride in his voice. “The same place I was born. You can understand that.”

  She could. But still…

  “Can we even afford to have another baby?” she asked. “I mean, we’re still trying to get it all sorted out, what our salaries in Namibia are going to be, what the cost of living will look like, and… what about medical insurance? I don’t know about any of that, Jude.”

  “And my mother has been handling just exactly these issues for overseas workers for years,” he said. “Knows the ins and outs. Can help us out as soon as we get there, just like she has for hundreds of women before you. And it will be easier for you.”

  “How will it be easier for me?” Lucy asked, biting her lip and thinking through this, through all the forms they’d likely have to fill out, the offices they’d have to visit, the hoops they’d have to jump through as they were adjusting to life overseas, the transitions involved, all the changes…

  “You’re married to me!” he said, as though this was a great prize.

  She stared at him for a second. “And?”

  “I’m a citizen,” he said. “Namibian born. To a Namibian father. I’ve got all the boxes checked off already. Which is good news for this little guy.”

  And he put his hand to Lucy’s midsection, leaning in to kiss her as he did so.

  Little guy.

  “Not even a positive pregnancy test, and you’re already predicting a son,” she said, unable to keep from smiling at the thought.

  Irrational.

  “How can I not rush ahead and start imagining the possibilities?” he said, beaming at her.

  “This is just going to make things so complicated,” she said. “Just… all of this…”

  All that she was already struggling with and walking through. A move, all the goodbyes, a new world and life in Namibia…

  “Just more of you and me,” Jude said softly, true contentment in his eyes as he stared into hers. “How could that ever be anything but wonderful, a family growing up all around us, because of us, because of how much we love one another?”

  And when he said it like that… well, the timing was still bad.

  But a baby. That could never be bad.

  Lucy could feel her heart changing at the thought, beginning to imagine it as Jude was. Her future changing into something different than she’d planned but something that would be worth celebrating for new reasons, in a way that she hadn’t expected.

  Another little girl, just like Bethany, who was nothing but joy, had been nothing but joy to her parents, her entire young life. Or a little boy, a boy like Jude, growing into a man, a Botha man…

  “Shame, surely it’s been a few minutes, right?” Jude asked, his attention back on the sink, to the test waiting there.

  “We should probably check it now,” she said.

  When Jude didn’t move, she took a breath and let it out sharply.

  “Now, now, Jude,” she managed, feeling a whole range of emotions as the possibilities continued to sing to her, visions of a future that might be imminent flashing through her mind. “I can’t do it.”

  So with a kiss to her forehead, he stood to his feet and stepped up to the sink, picking the test up, and studying it for a long moment.

  Oh, the plans she’d made, the changes ahead, the hope in her heart that was still there, that sliver of longing that had been prompted by Jude’s words, that a baby would be wonderful…

  She wanted the test to be positive. Just like that, she longed for a child right now, at this transitional point in their lives, illogical though it was. She had no idea how much a positive test would change everything, but the worries she’d spent the whole morning lingering on were pushed away for the moment, in the light of this new hope.

  How could having a baby be anything but wonderful?

  “Jude?” she said weakly as he continued to study the stick, only his profile visible to her as he stood there.

  Then he turned and smiled at her, that beloved smile that reassured her every time. He held the test up in one hand and raised an eyebrow at her.

  “Botha men,” he said, his expression smug.

  She ducked her head and smiled, even as her eyes filled with tears. Joy, stress, happiness, anxiety, and anticipation. They were all there as well as she put her hand where Jude’s had been earlier and said, in a near whisper, “I hope so.”

  ~Hannah~

  You’re going to be a wonderful mother one day.

  The words rushed through her mind as she played with Bethany again, as she and Edie waited for Jude and Lucy to come back out of the bathroom.

  And when they did, it was clear from the looks on their faces what the news had been. But neither said anything either way, making Edie turn to Hannah with a smile.

  It would be the Botha’s news to tell when they wanted to tell it, and there would probably be calls to their parents before then to share the news. Lucy would probably want to wait until Tate was here, they likely wanted to share the news with Bethany first…

  “Bethany,” Lucy said. “Come here for a second.”

  Yes, this, Hannah noted, as Jude picked his daughter up in his arms, grinning wildly.

  “I’m going to head to the kitchen and eat some more,” Edie said, looking to give them their privacy. “How about you, Hannah? Want to start in early on dunch?”

  “Actually,” Hannah said, “I think I’ll try to go and give Owen a call.”

  Anything to be somewhere else while this family news was shared. Sh
ared as it should be, between the two people covenanted together for forever and the child that had been born because of their love for one another…

  You’re going to be a wonderful mother one day.

  Hannah closed the door to Tate’s office behind her and let out a long breath.

  One day, maybe.

  She’d never wanted that kind of happily ever after. Never. She’d been content to live her life on her own, because she was able to go wherever God called her without any reservations, without any encumbrances. Then, her Chinese visa hadn’t been renewed, she’d been forced to come back to the States for a season, and there Owen had been.

  An unexpected blessing. A treasured gift from God.

  The man who was making her want things she’d never wanted before.

  “Hard to imagine becoming a mother one day when you aren’t even engaged,” she said softly.

  And then, she rolled her eyes.

  “Good grief, Hannah, you are a bad cliché.”

  Hadn’t she looked at women who were feeling these things and felt sorry for them? Hadn’t she been befuddled that they could so easily be distracted into wanting things like romance and babies when God and His purpose was sufficient?

  It didn’t keep her from taking her phone from her pocket, prepared to call Owen and talk with him. But even as she took it out, it rang in her hand unexpectedly, as if someone else was thinking of her at this exact same moment.

  Owen? No, someone else, she noted as her eyes settled on the screen and the name there.

  Mei. Hannah felt her heart warm at the sight, at the image in her mind of her friend. Mei, who had come to the States from China to pursue graduate work. Mei, who had met Hannah at an outreach event at the university. Mei, who began to hear words of life as Hannah shared with her and prayed for her. Mei, who began to read Jesus’s words for herself, never having heard anything about Him or what He had done and what it meant for her, her whole life.

  Mei, who was now a sister in Christ, absorbing everything she could of scripture and mission, not knowing what it would mean when she would one day return to China, but knowing that she would never leave Jesus now because He had changed her heart forever and she would never be the same.

  Mei.

  “Friend, it’s so good to hear from you,” Hannah said in Mandarin, feeling herself slip back to who she’d been in Christmas pasts, not concerned about earthly things like having a family, being in love, or all of the blessings that God could give.

  No, Mei’s voice and the answering Mandarin that Hannah gave reminded her once more about what was most important.

  “Merry Christmas,” she said.

  And after a few minutes of chatting, of hearing about Mei’s first Christmas with their Chinese church in Houston, Mei switched to English.

  Very good English, after all of this time.

  “There was a song we sang in our small group,” she told Hannah. “But we didn’t sing it in Mandarin. We sang it in English. And I was confused by some of the words.”

  Mei’s English was very good, but there were still some things that were lost in translation. Hannah was always happy to step in and help out, remembering all the wonderful friends she’d had in China who would done the same for her when their roles were reversed. That and she just really enjoyed talking through these things with Mei, spending even more time with her and connecting with her like this.

  “Tell me what song it was,” she said, sitting down on the futon, “and I’ll do my best to explain it.”

  Mei went on to repeat some of the lyrics to a familiar song – Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Hannah had never thought through the lyrics very deeply, though, so accustomed to hearing it at Christmas that it was almost commonplace. But as Mei said the words, Hannah found herself considering each of them carefully.

  “God and sinners reconciled,” Mei said. “I understand that. That Christ died so that we – sinners – might be reconciled to God.”

  “Exactly,” Hannah said. “That’s the gospel put very plainly.”

  The gospel that they had talked through so many times together, not just as Mei was coming to Christ, but as sisters in the faith, always speaking of these things, marveling over them, and celebrating God’s goodness.

  “But this part, Hannah,” Mei said. “Pleased, as man, with men to dwell, Jesus, our Emmanuel.”

  Pleased, as man, with men to dwell. Hannah closed her eyes at the words, at the very thought.

  “What does that mean?” Mei asked.

  “Remember that Jesus was both God and man, all at the same time,” Hannah said, taking her friend back to the very beginning of the gospel. “That when man fell back in the Garden, that God made a promise – that the offspring of man would be the one sent to redeem the sin of mankind. God promised someone who was all man.”

  All man.

  “But that’s only the half of it,” Hannah continued on. “Very literally. Because while Jesus was entirely man – Son of Man – He was God as well. And I can’t even begin to sort through how that’s possible because I don’t know how He could be both at once. Some things are only for God to know, and I just have to trust by faith what scripture does tell me.”

  Mei didn’t say anything for a long moment, making Hannah wonder if she’d not said it well, if there was something she was missing, if more explanation was needed.

  “God and man,” Mei repeated. “This I know. But the pleased part…”

  Pleased, as man, with men to dwell…

  “Jesus was pleased to come and be with us, to be one of us,” Hannah said, marveling at this anew. “He willingly came, humbled Himself by becoming flesh, by living alongside us, and experiencing life as we do.”

  What a thought. And this, on top of it…

  “The song says it,” she said. “Mild he lays his glory by, born that man no more may die.”

  Born that man no more may die.

  “We’ll all die,” she said, continuing on. “Every one of us. All of us will die an earthly death. But Christ came, laid aside the glory of heaven and eternity of being God Himself – He laid it all aside and became one of us… born that man no more may die.”

  Her voice was softer now. “He was born so that He would become our redemption, so that we would no longer die in an eternal sense, that death will not be the end for those who put their faith and their trust in Him.”

  Death will not be the end. All the things of the world, of the experiences and the pains and the frivolities, will have disappeared in the light of eternity, because Jesus had been pleased to come, to be born so that man no more would die.

  Hannah felt a tug on her heart at this truth, a truth she knew as well as she knew herself, a truth that still felt shocking and completely new when she heard it again.

  “We do not understand life from His perspective, Hannah,” Mei said, her statement so poignant, so true, and oh so very timely.

  Hannah thought about all that concerned her with Owen, with a future that she was imagining, and prayed silently, asking that God would remind her of this again and again, even as she was certain to waver in her understanding.

  “True, my friend,” she said softly. “I’m so thankful that He loves us despite our frailty.”

  Yes, this was the truth. And Hannah prayed her thanks again, as she prayed over her friend and asked God to continue to bless Mei in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, no matter where God would take her.

  ~Edie~

  She was doing her best not to overhear Jude and Lucy in the next room, but it was impossible to miss Bethany’s squeals and then the sound of Jude and Lucy both on their cell phones, both calling Namibia.

  Letting the grandparents know what was going on, sharing the good news, rejoicing…

  Edie remembered how she’d felt when she and Tate had found out they were expecting. They’d been living in student housing at the seminary while Tate studied and worked part time as a barista, while Edie was struggling to find any kind of work apart
from the substitute teaching she was doing at a nearby school.

  It was a horrible time to have a baby, but they hadn’t cared. They were so happy, so convinced that this pregnancy was at just exactly the right time because they were so in love. Dirt poor, living in an apartment that was all but dilapidated, and barely scraping by.

  But happy.

  When Tate had gotten a call from the church and had been offered a job as the pastor, he’d stepped away from his barista job. Their visit to the church had been full of surprises. Someone in the church had an in with another school with an opening for a fine arts teacher, and they knew all the requirements regarding how Edie could get her certification while teaching and earning a legitimate salary. And Tate’s job at the church – if he chose to accept it – came with a salary, a few benefits, and a parsonage.

  A house. How it had bewitched Edie, who had been content in their tiny apartment. How she’d suddenly found herself needing to be in a house, when she’d not been bothered by their living accommodations before.

  Tate had prayed about it. Edie had prayed about it. They’d prayed about it together. And they’d gone on, covenanting themselves to this church.

  And then, the job turned out to be more along the lines of fulltime plus overtime, with hardly any time for Tate and Edie to even be together –

  “Hey.”

  There he was, coming back into the house and the kitchen that Edie had so coveted, imagining all that she could cook for their growing family, back on that first visit here.

  “Hey,” she said to him, her feelings still hurt that he’d left like he had, even as she wrestled with guilt that she’d been as rude to him as she had been, especially in front of their families.

  She’d give him a peace offering.

  “Everything okay at the church?”

  Tate smiled. “Everything is great at the church,” he said, shrugging out of his coat. “The heater is working. For now.”

  For now. Everything was okay at the church for now.

  “And while I was there, I got another call,” he said, almost reluctantly. “Someone had some concerns.”