by Mj Fields
I see that Tessa is also struggling with today’s lesson, but I also see that each blow that she has given, she takes with grace. There is no doubt that, after me, something good will come.
I close my eyes and ask God that He continue taking whatever He needs from me, as long as she doesn’t have to deal with another heartbreak, being the selfish ass that I am. I also ask that He continue allowing us to be friends, unless the cause of such a thing would be devastating to her.
Jade smiles at her and wipes her tear. “You did great.”
After church, Tessa, is quiet. We eat lunch, as we always do with her entire family, including Maggie, who hugs me before she leaves. It’s almost embarrassing that she knows what a fuck-up I am.
Tessa sets to cleaning, and I decided to help John and his brother move some hay around. When I go back inside, she’s already making dinner.
“Do you need any help?”
“Nope, all set. I think I’m gonna go for a walk.” She closes the refrigerator and avoids looking at me.
“Want some company?”
“No, thanks. I have him.” She pats Chewy then grabs his leash. She then removes his invisible fence collar and replaces it with the one that I bought her.
“Looks like he needs to size up.”
“Yeah.” She scratches behind his ear. “Time for change, my buddy.”
At her words, my heart sinks lower, if that’s at all possible, and I am rendered speechless. All I can do is watch her walk out the door with Chewy by her side.
It doesn’t take but a minute of me standing here like a fool, trying to give her space, and all I can think about is the fact that she’ll have all the space she needs soon enough. But, right now, whether she likes it or not, I know she needs me.
I watch her walk down the driveway, toward the field, before I start following her.
When I get to the barn, Alex steps out. “Word to the wise—you lucked out before. She doesn’t like being followed down there.”
“Her personal heaven, Lucas,” John says. “Enter at your own risk.”
“Thanks, man, but I can’t let her do this alone.”
I stay back as far as I can, giving her space, giving her time. When she begins walking into the woods, I follow.
I stand at the edge of the woods and watch as she walks down the path that leads to the water. Through the trees, I watch as she sits down. Then I hear say, “She’s hateful and mean. No child deserves that. Lucas doesn’t deserve this. God, please, please, please, help him give his child a good life.”
I don’t know how many times someone’s heart can possibly break, but mine is being put to the test. I stand and wait as she hugs Chewy.
A lot of time passes, the sun is beginning to set now, when she finally stands up, hand full of rocks, and begins skipping stones. When her hand is empty, she starts the hike back up the hill. Stepping out of the woods, she sees me.
“Alex warned me not to come down here. They said it’s your heaven. So, I waited here.”
“Good move on your part. I may have kicked your butt, Links.”
The use of the name Links, the way she says it, the way she smiles, I feel like I’m looking at a different person.
“Something is different with you.” I search her eyes for an answer to the question inside my head. “You okay?”
She nods. “I suppose … And you’ll be, too.”
“How are you so sure?”
“Because I decided I would be; now you have to do the same thing,” Tessa gives me a soft smile. “Will you? Please?”
“If that’s what you want.” I nod.
“More than you know.”
I grab her hand, and she freezes.
“Tessa, are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine.” She looks down at our hands. “But please, Lucas”—she swallows hard—“I can’t … I can’t touch you.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, and not as if I understand. “But we are friends, right, Tessa?”
“Always.” She starts to walk.
“So, friends hug, right?”
“Sure.” She smiles sadly.
“Can I hug you? I mean, sometime?”
“Someday, just not right now,” she whispers.
I can see in her eyes that the questions I’m asking are hurting her, but I am so confused at the metamorphosis she seems to be making before my eyes.
Normally, when I feel pain, there is always a way to make it better, but I know, as sure as I know the sun is setting, that she needs a break from me, and I need a break from seeing her pain.
Ever the selfish bastard, I tell her, “I need you now, Tessa.”
“I need you, too, Lucas. And I’m right here. We … Just, please, let this heal a bit first.”
“Okay, baby.”
She turns to me. “Thank you.”
Stomach in knots still, since Tessa asked for space between us, when I need the complete opposite, I walk out and do the Sunday night thing— shoot with the guys. It’s all pretty normal … in unusual circumstances, but Tessa doesn’t join us. In fact, when we come back inside, she has already gone to bed.
“John, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this to her. I can’t be here and see her hurting.”
“Son, you don’t have a choice.”
Knowing that he’s telling the truth, and also knowing it must kill him to see his daughter like this, too, but needing a break, I tell him, “All right then. I need to run home and grab some clothes and a couple books.”
“Sure, just hurry back and drive carefully.”
When I walk into my house, I feel the urge to break down. Hell I would even like to break things. But I know that will do nothing, so I find the quickest escape upstairs in my room, in a drawer, hidden behind my socks, instead.
I pull out my trusty bowl, confiscated from my mother’s stash, and hit it a few times. Apparently, I hit it a few too many because, when I wake up, still high, I have a naked, familiar form lying beside me.
“I saw your car and decided to stop by. I know things are rough right now, but we both have needs.”
Mouthful of cotton, I manage to mumble out, “Sadi … get out.”
“What? Are you afraid you’ll get me pregnant?” she asks, and I glare at her. “It’s been almost three months since I’ve had sex. I have needs, Lucas. You put out, or I will find someone else to poke this baby of yours in the head.”
I push up off of the bed and stumble back against my dresser.
Sadi raises her knees and flattens her feet on my bed, allowing her legs to fall apart. “Tell me you haven’t missed this, Lucas.” She begins rubbing herself and spreading her legs wider.
I close my eyes and look away, not wanting to fall victim to my inner demon that knows all-too-well that sex is just sex, but that also, for a moment, it takes away all the pain. Then she moans, “Come here, Lucas. Fill me, please. I’m so wet, so hot.”
I force myself to walk away and hear the bed creak then feet pattering on the hardwood floor. I grip the side of my bathroom doorway when she wraps her arms around me, pushes her hand down my track pants, and begins stroking me. She then ducks under my arm, stands in front of me, hand wrapped around my dick, and pushes down my pants.
“You wanna waste this, Lucas? You’re hard for me.” Sadi drops to her knees, licking her lips, and then rubs her tongue flat against my cock from root to tip. Unable to pull away, I close my eyes, not fighting her as she deep throats me and gags.
Stroking me harder and faster, as her tongue wets every inch of me, I do nothing to stop it.
“See? Feels good, doesn’t it?” Sadi purrs.
“Either suck my cock or get the fuck out,” I sneer. Rage is at a boiling point as I look down at her.
A victorious, malicious smile forms on her lips as she maneuvers me so my ass is against the wall. Knowing I will not win, knowing this is my fate—Tessa even said so herself in not so many words—I grab the back of her head and thrust fully into her mouth.
As sal
iva drips from the sides of her mouth, down her cheeks, I fuck her face hard, without giving a damn how she feels. In fact, I hope it’s at least uncomfortable, because I know nothing in my life will ever be the same. I owe her no kindness, not after what she has done. But I know both of our beds have been made, and I’ll be damned if we don’t both have to sleep in the same messy bed we’ve made, apparently for the rest of our lives.
If she had not ended her last pregnancy, I would never have met Tessa Ross. Karma. I would not have known, and we would have been in the same damn position we are right now, except she would have gotten off, too.
She abruptly sits back on her heels and looks up at me.
“That’s all you got, Sadi?”
“Are you gonna come?” She wipes the saliva from her chin.
I laugh, grab my erection, and stroke myself. “I don’t need you to get me off, Sadi. My hand works just fine. It has for months.”
“I’m not some farm girl, Lucas. I don’t need flowers or have some fucking fantasy that you are going to love me. We both know love doesn’t mean a thing. It ends, it’s ugly, and the only thing either one of us truly needs is to get off once in a while.” She stands, flattens her hands against the wall, and bends over in front of me. Then she looks over her shoulder at me and demands, “Fuck me and I’ll leave so you can go back and wipe away the tears you would have caused her when she got tired of playing second string to your ego.”
I grab the back of her hair, and my cock, and line it up before slamming into her. “This what you wanted, Sadi?”
“Fuck yes, Lucas!” she screams out as I bang her and she presses her hand against the wall, taking every bit that I give her. “Oh fuck, yes! Fuck me harder.”
I hammer into her until she screams out her orgasm, all the while knowing that Tessa would never sound like that. She would never demand I fuck her harder, because we would have been perfect together.
I close my eyes and pull Tessa’s beautiful face up into my memory, imagining how she would look at me, the sounds she would make for me, the way she would touch me back, the way I would never stop touching her, and then I come hard thinking of another girl while I am fucking someone I never wanted to fuck again.
Disgusted with myself, I pull out abruptly and turn away from her, needing the distance, only to be slapped in the face with my own reflection, my own mistake, staring back at me.
I can see Sadi’s reflection, as well, and her evil smile as she says, “I’ve missed us.”
I walk to the shower, turning on only the hot water. Then I step out of my pants and pull off my shirt. Stepping in, I allow the scalding hot water to rush over me as I scrub myself frantically, attempting to wash away my latest mistake.
Towel around my waist, I step out and into my room and see her. Lips curled, I tell her, “That never should have happened. I’m better than this now.”
“That’s just who you are, Lucas. But I seriously hope you’ll be better than this for our child. But, even if you don’t, I know me and this baby will be fine. You’ll pay for the rest of your life for a mistake. Like father like son.”
“Don’t fucking come here again.”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen. Me, you, and a baby, Lucas.” She rubs her belly before pulling her shirt on. “See you at school tomorrow.”
When she leaves, I get dressed then throw some things in my bag.
I pull my phone off the dresser, sit down, and call my dad. I tell him about the pregnancy and brace for him to lose his cool, but when he doesn’t, I am struck dumb.
“You’re still staying with the Rosses?” Landon asks.
“Yes.”
“Do they know?”
“Yes, and John insisted I stay, anyway.”
“How’s Tessa taking it?”
My throat begins to burn, and I clear the lump from it before answering, “She’s amazing, Dad. Strongest person I’ve ever met. We are going to try to be friends. And I certainly don’t deserve that.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, son. You’re pretty damn strong,” Dad says with conviction.
I hear a woman’s voice calling him. It’s familiar, but I still ask. Like father like son. “Who’s that, Dad?”
“Audrianna. She and the girls are here for the day,” he says with a smile in his voice.
“Taking it slow, Dad?” I force a laugh.
“Yes, very. She’s pretty insistent on it. We’re actually going to counseling tomorrow.”
“Good. Well, I have to get back before John wonders what happened to me. I’ll see you Friday night at the State Championship, right?”
“Yes. Hopefully, all four of us will be there.”
“Good. I want to see the girls. Goodnight, Dad.”
“Goodnight, Lucas. I love you.”
I don’t remember the last time he said that to me, but I’ll take it.
“I love you, too, Dad.”
When I walk down the Ross’s stairs in the morning and make my way into the kitchen, Tessa, as usual, is there, making breakfast. A quick sweep of the room, and I notice everyone’s clothes have been ironed, lunches have been packed, and everything is business as usual. What’s not usual is the fact that she’s avoiding looking at me, even though I saw her spine stiffen when I walked in. She knows I’m in the room.
“Good morning, Tessa.”
“Good morning, Lucas.” She smiles, the kind that doesn’t reach her eyes.
I did that to her.
“Did you sleep well?”
“I did. And you?” she asks, flipping a pancake.
I hate that our conversation is forced, but I continue on the path. “Yep. State Finals tomorrow, right?”
“Yes,” Tessa answers, and I am painfully aware that she’s trying to keep it together.
“You nervous?” I ask.
She shakes her head.
I know she’s not nervous. She’s Tessa, the girl who takes each situation in stride.
Selfishly, I ask, “Is it all right if I come?”
“Sure, that would be great.”
“Good. Are you going to Alex’s game?”
“Yes, Lucas, and to yours.”
“Can I hug you yet?”
She looks down as she walks toward me. “Yes.”
I reach out and grab her, pulling her closer. As if it’s natural, she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek.
I lean down and brush my lips across hers, and tears immediately well in her eyes.
“Tessa, don’t cry. Baby, please … I’m sorry,” I say as I wipe them away.
She steps back, quickly turns, and then she walks to the bathroom. I follow, open the door, and walk in.
“Tessa, please. God, I am so fucking stupid, so selfish.”
She takes a deep breath and allows me to wipe away the rest of the tears. “You can’t kiss me, Lucas, okay?”
Pain resonating in my chest, anger at myself worrying my head, I say, “I won’t … I won’t do it again. I’m so sorry.”
When we pull into the school, we both get out of the vehicle, and Alex follows.
Sadi pulls up beside us and parks.
I see Tessa’s lips curl, and Alex sees it, too. He wraps his arm around her and guides her toward school.
I look at Sadi and glare.
“What? No kiss?”
I ignore her, but she continues.
“Did you tell her that you and I had sex last night?”
I reach out and grab her arm, squeezing. “You better keep your mouth shut. She and I are through. But you need to know I love her, and not a damn thing you do will stop that. I’m working through some stuff here, hoping that I can be a good father and we can parent together, and all Tessa is doing is being my friend. I promised her I would try.” I lower my voice to an angry whisper. “Last night was a big blurry mistake. Leave her alone and thank God she made me promise to try with you.”
Sadi yanks her arm away. “Fine, as long as you don’t keep fucking her.”
“You loved me once, too, and before this baby is born, you will again.” With that, Sadi storms away.
When I open my locker, my stomach sours as letters, panties, and even bras spill out onto the hallway floor. Tessa walks by and sees it then looks away as if I wasn’t even there.
We stayed away from each other all day in school, which isn’t easy when you share classes together, lunch, and study hall. And when she came out for practice, she didn’t even look at the football field. It fucking hurt. But, at this point, my own pain means little. In my lifetime, I’ve grown used to it. But her pain … her pain is harsher than any I’ve experienced.
Walking into the Ross home after school, I hear Alex tell Tessa, “I started the hot tub for you. Phoebe said you may need it. She said you went real hard at practice today.”
“Thanks, Alex. Dinner’s in the oven. Maybe after that, I will go out. You gonna come, too?”
As I walk into the house, Alex nods to her.
She looks at me and asks, “How are you, Lucas?”
“Good.” I hang my backpack up beside the door. “Anything I can do to help?” My gut instinct causes me to wrap my arm around her, pull her into me, and kiss the side of her head.
“Lips off, Links,” she forces herself to joke and playfully pushes me away.
“Sorry, baby,” I whisper, but she doesn’t reply.
The kitchen timer goes off, and she jumps up to get dinner out of the oven. I know she’s just putting much-needed distance between us.
“We okay?”
She nods once.
“What’s for dinner?”
“Chicken shit.”
“Excuse me?”
Alex laughs as he walks back into the kitchen. “Look at it, man. Looks just like it.”
John, Kendall, and Jake all walk in from outside.
John asks, “You kids hitting the hot tub after dinner?”