by Mj Fields
“Yes, Phoebe said Tessa overdid it today,” Alex says.
John squeezes her shoulder before walking over to wash his hands.
I hate what I am making this family feel. A family already struggling.
After dinner is cleaned up, I watch as Tessa runs upstairs. Even in a one-piece swimsuit that shows little skin, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen or touched. When she returns, she has a towel wrapped around her.
“You going in?” Alex asks me.
“Are you?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, then,” I say as I stand up then make my way upstairs to change.
When we walk out to the hot tub, Tessa is already in, her back to us, ears covered in headphones. She has a towel partially over her face and is singing along to 2Pac’s “I Get Around.” My lips twitch at listening to her rap. Then Alex climbs in and she jumps, pulling the towel off her head.
“Hey, Alex.” She laughs … until she sees me. Then she does a sweep of my body, and a part of me that even I’d like to slap right now takes great pride in how she’s checking me out.
Then she asks, “You getting in or do you need an invitation?”
I get in.
We sit quietly, Tessa keeping her eyes closed, me feeling like a perve watching the swell of her tits rise and fall, wanting to make her come again, because she deserves to have someone give her every joy in the world. And now I feel like a dick because, until her, I didn’t understand that there was something better than getting off, that there was a place where lust met its superior—love—and made everything better.
Busted, I think as she opens her eyes and sees me creeping. Then she quickly closes them again.
“Alex!” John yells. “Phone’s for you!”
Alex stands up. “Phoebe.”
“Tell her I said hey,” Tessa says as he gets out.
And now we’re alone.
Once he’s inside, I move over and take his vacated spot next to her, and take her hand.
She sighs.
“Sorry, baby, but this is awful. I miss you.”
Eyes still closed, she asks, “How can you miss me, Lucas? I’m right here.”
“This may come as a shock, but I miss the talking.”
She opens her eyes and looks at me. “If you let go of my hand, I may be able to actually relax.”
I lift her hand, kiss the back of it, and then let go.
She rolls her eyes. “So, what shall we talk about, my friend.” She emphasizes friend.
“Where were you all day?” I ask.
“Avoiding conflict, avoiding seeing you, basically avoiding a breakdown. This morning was awful.” She laughs but sadly.
“I’m sorry.” For more than you can even imagine.
She looks between my eyes and sees that I am visibly upset, even though she doesn’t know, and never can, about the mistake I made. “It’s going to take some getting used to.”
“I am so pissed that I didn’t meet you before all that happened.”
“Things happen for a reason.” She nods with conviction, as if she’s talking herself into believing what she just said. Then she whispers, “Can we talk about something else, please?”
“Sure, what can we talk about, baby?” I instinctively grab her hand.
She smiles. “How about what is acceptable between friends when they are of the opposite sex?”
“Okay, that’ll be interesting. I have to be honest with you; I have never had a female friend.”
She smiles genuinely then gifts me with a giggle. “Why does that not surprise me?”
“Let me have the rules.”
“Let’s start with appropriate touch. Hugging; a quick hug when you’re excited or happy, and a longer one when someone needs comfort. Kisses; a quick one like the ones you give me on the head are sweet and show that you’re there and being supportive. A kiss on the cheek in a situation like a death or congratulations, but never on the mouth. Hand holding is for support, but not an everyday thing.”
“Well, what about when someone seems sad? What should I do when you look sad, baby?”
She ignores my question. “Now, let’s talk about nicknames. Baby is for people who love each other as more than friends, and FYI, I used to love it, but it kind of stings now. So maybe use a last name or something fun.”
“How about TT?”
She splashes me.
“Tessa the Terrible, Tessa the Temptress, Tessa the Terrific …” I look down at the girls. “Tessa with the Terrific, Tasty T—”
“What are you guys talking about?” Alex asks, returning to the hot tub.
“Male and female friendship appropriateness.” Tessa laughs. “Any advice?”
“Respect,” Alex states.
“All right then, that’s a lot to comprehend. I’ll try.”
Tessa stands up, a glimmer of lust in her eyes as I look her over. “It’s a deal. Goodnight.”
I wake from a dead sleep to the sound of Tessa screaming. I grab the magnet that I planned to use to disarm the alarm in the future and run to her room.
I watch as she tosses and turns, whimpering, crying, and I slide my arms under her and lift her up. Then I sit back on her bed and hold her.
“Tessa, baby, are you okay?” I ask as I kiss the top of her head over and over again, freaking out inside at the sounds she’s making.
Tessa shakes her head as she wraps her arms around my neck. She then begins to shake, and I grab her blanket and pull it up around her while rocking her back and forth in whispering hushes.
In a voice rough from sleep, Tessa whispers, “Lucas, kiss me. Please kiss me.”
I do as she asks. I kiss her. I start with her lips then her neck, and then I pull away.
The moon is shining through her window, reflecting the tears in her beautiful blue eyes.
“You look so beautiful. Even crying, nothing compares. Did you have a bad dream, baby?”
Her eyes flutter shut and, in a hushed voice, she tells me, “There was an accident with four people, and people died. I don’t know who, but I know I loved them. Lucas, you have to promise me you’ll be careful, please?” She then opens her eyes, and I nod my head. “No, say it. Promise me you’ll be careful.”
“I promise, Tessa, but it was just a dream, okay?”
“Please stay with me tonight,” Tessa asks.
“Tessa, you really don’t want that. You’re just upset right now, baby.”
Arms around my neck, she pulls me down and kisses me. It’s full, it’s deep, and it’s full of just as much passion, maybe even more, than she’s ever had for me.
Pulling away, she says, “I love you, Lucas. Please, be careful. Please, I love you.” She kisses me again then pulls away. “Do you hear me?”
“Yes, baby, but—”
“Then why didn’t you answer me?” She starts to tear up again.
“You didn’t give me a chance, Tessa. I promise I will be careful.”
“Good.” She rests her head against my chest again and wraps her arms around me.
Within seconds, she’s asleep.
I wake to her still wrapped around me and look down as her eyes open. She looks shocked.
“Good morning, baby.”
“How did you get in here?” she whispers, looking over at Kendall, who is the soundest sleeper possibly in the entire world.
“A magnet. You had a bad dream. We can talk about it later. I need to sneak out of here before your dad or Alex wake up. I love you, Tessa Ross.” I bend down to kiss her, and her eyes widen. I bypass her lips, the intended target, and kiss the top of her head.
Chapter Thirty Three
Heart beating against my chest, I walk into the arena and look around at the full bleachers. Thousands of people are here to watch tonight’s game.
We run drills and practice plays, warming up. I’d rather be busy on the field than alone with my thoughts, wondering what the hell happened last night, what kind of dream did I even have. All I know is
that Lucas cares enough that he held me all night long. Oh, and that I’m thankful Dad, Alex, Jake, and Kendall, who was sleeping in the same room, were none the wiser.
After warmups, when we walk off the field, I look up in the bleachers and see my parents, Molly, Kendall, and Jake walk in and take their seats. Then I see Alex, Ryan, Tommy, and Lucas following behind. My heart skips a beat when Lucas flashes me his signature smile and gives me a wink.
I know that I should not still be feeling this way for him. And I know I have to get over it soon, but deep down, I have hope that maybe, just maybe, there is still a chance for us. If all I can have with him is a friendship. I’ll take that, too.
“All right, Lady Saints, bring it in.” Coach V blows his whistle and motions for us to huddle.
Once on the field, nothing else matters, I play hard. Honestly, I play harder than I ever have, because the dream of playing this game, the championships, was on Jade’s and my bucket list for senior year, and I’ll be damned if we lose.
We are two goals behind, going into the second half, and I am exhausted, but I’ve been through harder things than a freaking field hockey game.
Somehow, I manage to get the ball on the first play and make a goal. Now we are only one down.
In the fourth quarter, I get hit in the head with a stick, knocking me down. I quickly jump up then feel more than sweat trickling down my forehead. I reach up and pat the spot that hurts the most, then look at my fingers and see blood.
As the officials card the girl who hit me, I run off the field, straight to the first-aid kit, making sure my back is to Coach V as I quickly clean myself up. As I’m putting on a Band-Aid, Coach V turns me around.
“Ross, don’t even think about it,” Coach V tries to stop me from putting the Band-Aid over my head. “You aren’t going back on that field with a gash on your forehead.”
I stomp my foot. “This is my last game, Coach, and I am not sitting the bench. We’re one behind, and I know I can get another goal to tie it up. Then we go into overtime and—”
“You see this shirt, Ross? You see the word Coach on it?”
I scowl at him.
“Yours doesn’t say that, now does it? Sit your ass down and let me look at that head.”
When the crowd erupts in applause, I look at the field and see Phoebe powering toward the goal. She swings and hits the ball, making her first goal of the game and tying us up.
“I want on the field, Coach V,” I demand.
“Looks like you’re going to need some stitches, so you have one of two choices, neither being the field. It’s the bench or an ambulance.”
The next play, Becca passes the ball back to Phoebe, who takes it in again, right before the whistle blows, ending our game.
I stand up, clapping, hooting, and howling, and then … I throw up.
Once my stomach is empty, I do as Coach V suggests and sit my ass on the bench. I watch as Mom makes her way down the bleachers toward the field and see Lucas right behind her.
I push myself up and run to the field to celebrate with my team, where I throw up again.
Before I know what’s going on, Lucas scoops me up in his arm, and I hear Mom tell Coach V that they’re taking me to the hospital, that she was sure I had a concussion.
Lucas drives, and Mom rides with us. I sit in the passenger seat with the bag in case I throw up again.
At the hospital, we’re seen quickly, and I receive three stitches in my hairline. Mom was right; I have a concussion. She wants me to come back to her house, but I insist on going back to the farm, wanting to sleep in my own bed. She doesn’t fight me.
When we drop her off, she asks that Lucas makes sure to wake me up every couple hours, and if I throw up again, to make sure John is aware and to call her immediately. She also says, if I’m hard to wake up, he should call the ambulance, and she gives him the number. Lucas agrees to all those things, and I’m honestly pretty shocked she allows it.
Once we’re alone, I give him a weak smile and say, “We won.”
“You kicked ass, baby. But seriously, you need to chill. Never seen a girl play as rough as you do.” He reaches out and takes my hand, giving it a squeeze. Then he reaches in front of me and opens the glove box, pulls out a little black box, and hands it to me.
“Open it and read the back.”
Inside the black box is a silver necklace with two hockey sticks crossing one another, and on the back, it’s engraved. “LYA, Lucas.”
“It’s beautiful.” I squeeze his hand now, and he pulls it up and gives it a kiss. I tell him, “Thank you.”
“Before you get freaked out, it’s just a friendly gesture. I do love you, Tessa, even if we can only be what we are … for now.”
My heart does what it always does when he’s around, but it also hurt, shrinking with the realization that this is all we can be, and my aching head wonders what he means by for now.
Is it wrong to hope that maybe, just maybe, someday I can kiss him again?
After we get home, I lay on the couch in the living room, and Lucas insists on sleeping in the chair. He tells Dad that he promised Maggie he would.
I fall asleep but wake up when Lucas snuggles up to me on the couch.
“This is what a friend would do, Tessa, and I promised your mom I’d keep an eye on you.”
Every three hours, an alarm clock that he had brought down from his room goes off, and every three hours, he gives me a soft kiss on the lips.
Each time he does, I whisper, “I’m still alive.”
By Wednesday, I’m no longer avoiding the lunchroom, my friends, or Lucas. I shouldn’t be surprised when Sadi walks by and makes a snide comment to me. I am surprised at my ever-growing maturity in the fact that I don’t give it right back to her. Instead, I ignore it.
Lucas seems impressed, which makes me happy.
I find myself touching the necklace that lays against my collarbone to make sure it’s still there. Friendship or otherwise, it’s still a token of love. A love that, as quickly as it began, is being threatened.
It is said that you never forget your first, and I understand the context means the first person who you’ve slept with, but the words … the words are what matters. My first love is, and always will be, Lucas Links, and it will never fully go away.
After lunch, my head hurts pretty badly, so I go to the nurse and ask to lay down. Of course she allows it. I sleep until the last bell.
Walking up to my locker, Jade looks at me with concern. “Are you feeling okay?”
“A little sore.”
“We’re going to stay and watch the guy’s practice. Do you feel up to it?” Jade asks.
“No, I am pretty sure Crazy would get a little anxious. Besides, I’m going to run to the mall.”
I head to the guys’ locker room and yell in, “Hey, Alex Ross, I need the keys to run some errands.”
Lucas walks out in black shorts, drying his hair then his chest.
He showers before practice? I wonder.
“Take mine, TT.” He hands me his keys.
“You sure?”
“What are friends for? Just pick me up after practice.”
“Thanks.”
“Whatcha looking at?”
I roll my eyes because he damn well knows what I’m looking at and start to turn around, but he grabs my arm, stopping me.
I feel his breath against my neck when he whispers, “You like what you see, baby, don’t look away.”
I turn, dead set on reminding him of the rules of friendship, when he pops his pecs and winks.
I roll my eyes. “Oh please. All that”—I gesture to his chest and huff—“is awful.”
He chuckles. “Uh-huh.”
I stomp my foot and walk away.
Once in the parking lot, I get a little nervous about driving a brand-new vehicle until I see Sadi glaring at me. Then I lift my chin and march my ass to the driver’s side, thinking, Fuck you ,bitch.
I head to the mall where I use all my
leftover birthday gift cards and money I’ve been saving. I buy some new undies and bras at Victoria Secret. Then I go to the jewelers and purchase two sliver chains; one for Alex and one for Lucas. I also buy helmet charms and have them engraved. Lucas’s is “LYA,” and Alex’s is “BLESSED.”
When I pull into the school parking lot, I do so as Lucas walks out of the building. I pull up, and he jumps in as I watch Sadi, who is sitting in her little sports car, throw the door open. Me? I hit the gas.
Lucas smirks, knowing exactly why I did that, and asks, “Want to go get Chinese?”
I nod. “Yep.”
I pull over in front of China Wok, hop out, and run in to grab the order he placed while I drove.
While waiting, I watch out the window and see him on the phone. He’s pissed. Like, really pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so pissed. Then he hangs up and starts to look toward the window, and I duck out of the way so he doesn’t see me.
Food in hand, I walk out and hop in, seeing him grinning as he looks in my damn bags.
“Boy shorts, Tessa? That is so hot. With matching bras front clasps, no less.” Lucas smiles. “Someone was feeling some sort of way, huh?”
Embarrassed, I quickly change the subject. “Who were you fighting with on the phone?”
“Her.”
“Oh yes, her,” I say, making a terrified face. “Sometimes, I forget.”
He shakes his head and pulls his hat down. “Those are the times you smile.”
“Not happy that I took your vehicle, huh?”
“No, happy isn’t the word I would use to describe it, but it’s none of her business,” Lucas says, trying to convince us both that everything has truly changed.
I reach over and squeeze his hand. “It’s going to be okay, Lucas. You’ve got this.”
He takes a deep breath as he links his fingers with mine, and I hold his hand the entire way home.
Because friends do that.
I wake up crying from a dream, an accident, a horrible accident again, and Lucas comes in and holds me again, kisses me again, and calms me … again.