Blue Love : Blue Valley High — Senior Year

by Mj Fields

  “Someone needs to tell him to shut his mouth.”

  Ben doesn’t take the hint. “Best tasting venison—nice, young, and tender.”

  I jump up off the couch, intent on smacking him upside the head, when Alex grabs me.

  “You’ve got ten seconds to get out of this room before I let her go.”

  Again, Ben doesn’t listen. Instead, he grabs me and gives me a bear hug while laughing. “You are going to be a lot of fun this week.”

  “You have ten seconds to step away before I open a can of whoop ass.” I laugh.

  “Let’s go,” Alex says as he walks into the kitchen, and Ben follows, grabbing plates and food.

  Lucas, however, does not.

  “You sleep okay?” he whispers.

  “No, I feel like garbage,” I admit.

  He feels my head. “You don’t feel warm.”

  “Not garbage like ill. I feel like I didn’t sleep. It’s your fault,” I whisper.

  “Sorry, baby.”

  Jade helped me carry in the crockpots full of beef stew for lunch at camp. Then, since Uncle Jack will be preoccupied, she heads out to see her man on the sly.

  I hurry around camp and plug all four of the crockpots in, and when I hear voices outside, I walk out on the back porch, where I see Alex, Lucas, and Ben walking into the clearing, from the woods.

  Ben is all smiles as he says, “Hey, Tessa, did you warn Bambi I was coming today?”

  I shake my head and ask, “Anyone get a deer yet?”

  “Lucas got four doe. In my opinion, they were too small, but hey, to each their own, right?” Ben goads.

  I look at Lucas, who shakes his head.

  “No, but seriously, he had a shot and, for some unknown reason, he didn’t—”

  “Okay, I’m already bored of this deer talk,” I cut him off, smiling inside.

  Ben claps and rubs his hands together. “And bow season has just begun.”

  Ignoring his egging me on, I look at Alex. “Lunch is warming up. Give it twenty minutes. If you can’t wait, there’s sandwiches in the cooler. Have fun.”

  I then look at Lucas. “Can I talk to you?”

  He nods and begins to walk toward me as I begin to walk toward the truck.

  Once beside me, I ask him, “Do you like it? Hunting? Because you don’t have to, you know.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll try it. Who knows, after I’ve done it once, I may like it.” He suppresses a smile.

  “Nice, Lucas.” I roll my eyes. “I’m working tonight. Are you still planning on it?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  “I just wondered.” I look at him, contemplating whether or not to dip a toe into what could either be quicksand or a quick fix.

  “What’s going on, Tessa?”

  “I can’t sleep, and I am tired. I just thought maybe … you could … help me out.”

  “Tessa …” he sighs.

  “What?” I stomp my foot. “I’m tired and irritable.”

  He looks at me, eyes narrowed, and nods once. “Give me a minute.”

  Then he walks back to camp and yells in, his eyes on me, “Hey Alex, Tessa just reminded me we have to work tonight. I’m going to take off, okay?”

  “Sure, man, see you later. We’ll probably stop by for dinner,” Alex replies.

  “Bye, Ben. See you later.” I wave.

  “Bye, Ben.” Lucas waves, mocking me.

  I grab his hand and tug him toward the truck.

  Heart beating a mile a minute, I bravely reach over and place my hand on his thigh.

  “Tessa, what—”

  “Lucas, don’t. I need this,” I whisper as I run my hand up his leg until it’s right below his dick.

  He hits the gas, and we speed down the road. I watch as he grows harder and harder.

  As soon he parks, I grab his face and kiss him. He kisses me back.

  When I start to reach down his pants, he hisses my name in warning. “Tessa.”

  “Let me make you—”

  “Baby, this is not what friends—”

  “Lucas, I’m exhausted. We can, so shut up and kiss me.”

  Half an hour later, after I got him off, and he did the boob thing and took me there, too, we walk inside, and I feel a hundred times better. Lucas must, too, I think as I run to the bathroom.

  When I come out, Lucas walks down with a laundry basket, and I flop down on the couch, content, happy even.

  I hear the washer start and when he walks out, I grab his hand and pull him down.

  “Tessa, I’m not sure—”

  “I’m tired.” I yawn. “Let me sleep, please?”

  I scoot forward and pat the spot behind me. He lays down, and I scoot back against him as he pulls a blanket off the back of the couch and throws it over me.

  “Thank you, bud.” I sigh.

  I feel Lucas move out from behind me, and I pull the blanket up around my neck and dose back off.

  When I wake, he’s still not back, so I get up and walk out to the kitchen where I find him looking out the window.

  He turns and grabs something off the counter, along with a glass of water, and walks toward me, face unreadable as he hands them to me.

  “Feeling better?” he asks, stepping back to lean against the counter and crosses his arms.

  “Yeah, a little.” I toss the ibuprofen in my mouth then wash it back.

  His brows knit. “What was that all about earlier?”

  I look down and raises a shoulder. “I guess I missed you.”

  He lifts his chin. “Question?”

  “You’re on a roll. Go ahead.”

  “How did you get to camp?”

  “Jade dropped me off.”

  “Why didn’t you drive?” he asks, voice less dad and angrier mom.

  “I wasn’t feeling well?”

  “Why, Tessa?”

  He walks over to the garbage and reaches in, pulling out the bottle that I tossed in there earlier and setting it on the counter.

  “I though you tasted like cinnamon and not minty fucking fresh earlier. Now I know why.”

  I cross my arms over my chest and glare at him.

  Voice raised, he says, “I asked why, Tessa.”

  I raise mine right back. “Because I can’t sleep, because you’re all telling me what I need in a guy when I know damn well what I need, and I can’t have. Because life fucking sucks, Lucas! And because I can!”

  “Come on, Tessa; what else you got?” he yells back at me.

  “Fuck you!” I turn to walk away, but he grabs my arm, stopping me. “Let me go!” I scream at him.

  He wraps his arms around me, holding me in place. I attempt to wiggle away, but he pulls me up.

  “Let me go, dammit!”

  He carries me into the living room, and shame, guilt, and anger come together and combust. I start to cry.

  “Just let me go.”

  Lucas sits down, pulls me with him, and whispers, “I need you to be okay.”

  “Well, that’s not going to happen. It’s going to get ugly, Lucas. I promise you that,” I sob out.

  “Tessa, I need you to be safe.”

  I laugh. “Oh, I will be.”

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispers again.

  “Stop saying that!” I try to get up, but he holds me tighter, pissing me off. “I’m pretty sure this wasn’t part of some evil plan, not on your part, anyway. It’s my life and, right now, it sucks.”

  I finally get free, run to the bathroom, and lock the door. I shower, hoping this headache from drinking a quarter bottle of Schnapps or the stress of being so fucking in love with someone I can’t have yet can’t get away from subsides.

  He wants me to meet someone else, someone deserving. He should have been that someone. He should of because he told me he loved me, and I know he did.

  I wrap a towel around me and walk out, passed him and up the stairs.

  I grab a pair of tight jeans and a button-down shirt then put them on. I leave a few extra buttons undo
ne so I could expose “the girls,” so maybe I can find the guy, the one who deserves me, and then maybe he’d feel how I do, knowing I’m never going to be his, and he’s never going to be mine.

  Walking down the stairs, I see him pacing and walk past him. I open the fridge, grab a PBR, and pop the tab. Lifting it to my mouth, he snatches it. I laugh and walk to the bathroom, again locking the door, and start doing my hair. I even put on makeup.

  When I walk out, he’s standing in the middle of the living room, hands shoved deep in his pockets.

  I turn in a circle. “Do I look okay? Am I showing enough skin? I’m thinking maybe I’ll catch the eye of someone at the bar tonight. You’ll be there. Maybe you could pick out the lucky guy I fuck tonight, because I’m so ready for that next step.” I laugh.

  I expect him to get pissed. Instead, I see hurt in his eyes.

  I look away, not wanting to get sucked into feeling someone else’s pain and ignoring mine.

  I step to him as I unbutton my shirt then let it fall from my shoulders. “Unless, of course, you want to fuck me now.” Then I unsnap my bra, and he turns away.

  I reach around him and shove my fingers down the waistband of his jeans. “Come on, Lucas; don’t turn your back on me. Shit, in a few months, maybe less, I will catch up to your dozen. Then will you want me?”

  He pulls my hand out and storms past me and into the bathroom.

  “Twelve will be nothing compared to what I’m going to do, and it certainly won’t take four fucking years!”

  I walk out to the kitchen and grab a bottle of whiskey. Twisting it open, I drink some down because this … this feels good. Angry feels good, not caring feels good, and …

  Lucas pulls the bottle from my hand, and I let him.

  I grab the truck keys off the counter and walk to the door. As I open it, he slams the palm of his hand against it, closing it.

  “I need to go to work, Lucas. I get to sing tonight.”

  Lucas opens the door and takes my hand, leading me to his SUV. He opens the door, and I climb in. Then he buckles me in, which makes me laugh.

  When he pulls out, he turns right.

  “Wrong way, baby.” I laugh as I look at the clock on his dashboard. “Look at that, we have an hour to kill before we have to be there. Maybe you could drop me off at the pizza shop and I can go fuck Pizza Boy. He can be my starter dick.

  “Someone will want me, Lucas. I have thrown myself at you, and you sure don’t want me. But you go and fuck her! Sorry I can’t live up to your ideal of what’s fuckable.” I wish I could stop, I wish I could just shut up, but it just keeps coming. “Don’t worry; I’m going to work on that!” I scream, and then the tears begin to fall again.

  Lucas doesn’t say a damn thing, and all I want is him to fight with me, or maybe I really just want him to fight for me.

  At the four-way stop, he turns left, and I slap the tears away and again yell at him, “Where are we going?”

  “To see your mother,” he replies calmly.

  “Fuck you. I’ll jump out.” I start to unbuckle my seat belt.

  He jerks the vehicle over and parks on the side of the road, right across from the school.

  When I try to open the door, he reaches over and slams it shut.

  I turn on him, ready to give him hell, and see him wipe tears off his face. Then he grabs his phone and dials it.

  “We’re across from the school.” He pauses before saying, “Of course.”

  I curl up into a ball and cry, because I hate him, and I love him, and there is no way that is normal.

  He’s ruined me. I hate him.

  “I hate you so much.”

  “Good.”

  “I hope—”

  “Shut the hell up, Tessa! Just shut up!”

  I jerk my head up and scream at him, “Fuck you!”

  “Not even if you beg,” he sneers.

  I spit in his face.

  Jaw clenched, nostrils flaring, he opens his door with one hand and wipes his face with the other as he gets out and slams the door so hard the vehicle shakes.

  A few minutes later, lights shine from behind, and then my door is swung open.

  “Your mother’s here.”

  “I’m not going with her.”

  “Get out, Tessa.”

  I lift my face and look at him. He looks disgusted.

  I feel my lip start to quiver and know I’m going to cry, and not because I’m sad, but because I’m pissed.

  I push him away and get out. Then I get in the back seat of Mom’s Chevy.

  I hear Lucas say, “I’m sorry about this, Mrs. Ross.”

  She hugs him and says, “You and me both, Lucas. Thank you.”

  When Mom gets in the car, she says not one word, and I am totally grateful.

  When we walk into her apartment, I am shocked when I see my grandmother is here from Massachusetts.

  She tells Kendall and Jake, “Give us a few minutes,” and they walk into the living room and shut the door.

  Grandma Violet looks at me sternly and asks, “Have you slept with that boy?”

  Pissed that this is the first thing she’s said to me in months—hell, she hasn’t even called since Mom and Dad split—I shake my head and tell her, “No, Grandma, but I sure did try.”

  She slaps me across the face. “Shame on you.”

  “Mom!” my mother gasps.

  I turn, grab the phone, and walk into the closet-sized bedroom. Shutting and locking the door, I dial Lucas’s number. He answers but doesn’t say anything.

  So, I do.

  “I hate you.”

  “I know.”

  “No, Lucas, you don’t, but I promise you will.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

  “Your ex, Tessa. Welcome to the club.”

  I hang up, bury my face in the pillow, and cry until I pass out.

  Chapter Thirty Six

  I fed Josie some lame-ass shit about Tessa being sick and promised to keep up with the dishes. She was cool with it. Hell, she didn’t even question whether I could or couldn’t.

  As I worked, I listened to chick after chick butcher songs that Tessa would have nailed had she not gotten fucked up and lost her damn mind. All of which, was my fault. But fuck if even knowing that, I’m still livid with her. I cannot fucking believe she spit in my face.

  Plenty of women have slapped me across the face—hell, even my mother when I hid her stash or dumped booze down the drain—but never has anyone spit in my fucking face until now. That was a first for sure.

  A couple hours into my shift, Alex walks in and asks where she is. I give him the same story that I gave Josie, except he doesn’t buy it.

  “She didn’t seem ill at camp, but she did seem off.”

  I grab a towel and wipe my hands as I turn and look at him. “Do what you will with this information, Alex, but I told Josie the same thing I just told you, so …” I shrug.

  “Go on,” he says, leaning against the island.

  “She was drunk and acting crazy. And before you get pissed at her, I promise you it’s my fault. It’s because of the shit I have brought into her life. I didn’t know what else to do, so I tried to take her to your mom’s. She threatened and then actually tried to jump out of the vehicle. I pulled over and called Maggie. She met us on Main Street.”

  He runs his hand through his hair.

  “I’m taking off for a couple days, going to stay with my dad. Then I need to talk to the judge and convince him that I can stay at home. I can’t do this shit to her anymore, Alex. I love her, and me being there is fucking shattering her.”

  On the brink of breaking down again, dipshit walks in and asks, “Where’s Tess?”

  Thank God Alex answers him because, straight-up, I know Ben wants to fuck Tessa, and I know damn well, if she keeps on this path, she’ll do it to spite me.

  “She didn’t feel well, so Lucas took her to Mom’s,” Alex lies. “I’ll be out
in a minute, okay?”

  Alex waits until Ben leaves the kitchen then turns back to me. “You sure you can miss school, man?”

  “I’ve only missed two and a half days. If you could get me the assignments, I think I’ll be okay.”

  “Sure,” Alex says. “You know this isn’t your fault, right?”

  I shake my head then shrug. “Then, whose is it?”

  On the highway, my phone rings and I answer.

  “I just came home, and you’re gone.”

  It’s Tessa and, yeah, it’s good to hear her sober voice, but I’m still pissed at her.

  She continues, “You told Tommy, and Jade didn’t even tell me. So, in case you were wondering, that didn’t feel very good. What else did you tell them, huh, Lucas?”

  “Told them the truth. I’m going to visit my Dad.”

  I hear her sniff.

  “Well, you need to come back,” she demands.

  I don’t say a damn thing.

  “Did you hear me, Lucas?” she snaps. “Seriously, can you answer me?”

  “Connection’s clear. I didn’t hear a question. What’s up, Tessa?”

  She begins to cry. “I’m sorry, Lucas. I’m so sorry.”

  I make damn sure I let zero emotion out when I reply, “It’s all good, Tessa.”

  “When will you be back?” she asks.

  “In a couple days.” And hopefully, I won’t be coming back to the farm.

  “I want to see you now.” Tessa’s voice cracks.

  “Sorry, Tessa. Court-ordered visitations are part of my life.” And will be for a long fucking time due to the fact I’ll be the one demanding them from my kid’s mom.

  “You hate me?” she asks.

  “No, but you told me you hated me—or no, fucking hated me—then you spit in my face.” No holding back the anger there. Oops, my bad.

  “You took me to my mother, drunk,” she snaps, and it pisses me off.

  “You were acting like my mother on a bad night.”

  She gasps then whispers, “You’re being mean.”

  “Yep. Just like you were when you asked me to you drop you off to the Pizza Boy so he could fuck you.”

  “You’re trying to make me hate you,” she whispers.

  “It’ll happen, anyway.”