Ride the High Lonesome

by Rosanne Bittner

  I’ll never trust another woman, he’d told her…somewhere…sometime.

  He still slept at Big Jim’s stables, but Kate feared he was beginning to spend some of his nights in rooms above the saloons. She never asked, but he was a man, after all. The thought of other women touching him made her ill. Luke Bowden belonged to her, but she knew he didn’t feel the same way and probably never would.

  She touched the Mexican saddle blanket they’d used over Jenny’s saddle so she could ride more comfortably after they left the cave. She remembered the touch of Luke’s hand on her leg when he helped position her foot into the left stirrup…remembered the thrill of being in his arms when he lifted her off the horse and down into the grass…what it was like the first time he made love to her somewhere under the big sky. Maybe he thought he could still have sex with her on their way to Oregon, where he would just leave her and ride out of her life.

  “Not again, Luke,” she said softly. “If we do that all over again, I’ll never be able to watch you ride away.” She had to harden her heart to the realization that what they’d done was just something they’d both needed to do. The only way she could live with their secret was that Luke kept his promise never to talk about it, even in their private conversations. At their lunch, he’d discussed working for Big Jim, had asked about her work, had sometimes tossed her a compliment about how she looked.

  You look extra pretty today, he’d said. But always, when he complimented her that way, she felt he was leaving his sentence unfinished. She felt the unspoken words…for a woman your age.

  Now all she heard from others was that Luke spoke only of revenge. He was still determined to find the remaining two men who’d attacked them. He was a different man from the one she’d cut down from that hanging tree, and being around the kind of men who lived in Lander was having its effect on him. She was fully aware that since getting on his feet again, he’d started drinking a little too much and talking to men about going after the ranchers who’d nearly caused his death and who’d meant to put Kate through something worse than death.

  Kate blinked back tears as she searched through their belongings.

  She recognized the small flour barrel Luke had brought back to the cave with so many other supplies and all the wonderful things he’d purchased for her. She saw a couple of their canteens, their blankets…the blankets they’d slept on together…the blankets they’d made love on. She spotted a leather satchel that belonged to Luke, and she couldn’t help opening it.

  She found a shirt inside, and she took it out and pressed it to her face, breathing in Luke’s scent and realizing she never should have let him make love to her. She’d set her own trap because of her need and weakness, but no other man in all these years had brought that out in her. She cried into the shirt, then reluctantly put it back, tempted to keep it so she could sleep with it at night in her lonely room at Nora’s.

  No. That would only make it harder to forget what must be forgotten. She placed the shirt back, then noticed a pocket watch in a corner of the satchel. She’d never seen Luke carry a watch. Why did he leave it in the satchel when there were times it could be very useful? Curious just to see it, she took it out and popped open the cover.

  “Oh, Luke!”

  Inside was the picture of a very young woman, perhaps seventeen or so. It must be Bonnie. She was beautiful, young, with dark hair and eyes, tiny and well-dressed with lace and ruffles and a bit of her bosom showing at the square neckline of her dress. Her smile was sweet, and her eyes big and dark. Was she smiling for Luke in the picture? Looking at it tore at her heart to think how a proud and happy Luke Bowden must have felt when he excitedly rode home from war to marry the beautiful young Bonnie, only to find her living with his brother and tending a baby.

  “I’m so sorry, Luke,” she said softly. She knew now why he didn’t carry the watch. And she also knew she could never take the place of someone so young and lovely, someone Luke had probably known all his life, someone he grew up with back in Ohio and who he thought would wait for him when he rode off to war.

  She closed the watch and put it back, then latched the satchel. She found her coat, the dark-blue one with white buttons Luke had bought for her. Again, memories from the cave returned. She felt totally out of control of her own life. She wanted to go back home and find Rodney there waiting for her, along with her father and others from the days when there was no war but only friendships and enjoying normal, everyday life on the farm…back in Indiana…places she would never see again.

  Maybe it would be best to go to Oregon and Rodney’s brother and his family…familiar faces from days gone by. For now, Luke had become the familiar face, but he would end up going out of her life as fast as he’d come into it. She had to face that cold, hard fact.

  “I’ll have a word with you, lady!”

  A man’s deep voice startled Kate out of her thoughts. She gasped and turned to see a grizzly-looking old man standing at the entrance to the shed. She backed away, pressing her coat close. “Who…who are you? What do you want?” She’d left her six-gun in her room, never expecting some stranger to show up in the shed.

  “Name don’t matter. I’m here to deliver a message.” The man stepped farther inside and walked closer to Kate.

  “Get out of here!”

  He grabbed her arms in a vice-like grip that startled her. She didn’t expect so much strength from such an old man. His pale-blue eyes glittered with meanness. “You tell that son of a bitch you’ve been travelin’ with and probably fuckin’ that he’d better shut his yap about comin’ after Benny and Henry out at the Lazy T. He’s lookin’ to get his head blown off!” He shook her slightly. “You understand me, lady? If Luke Bowden thinks he’s protectin’ your honor, we all know different! Benny and Henry looked in the windows and they seen what was goin’ on between you two, and you was full nekked when they went in that cabin, just standin’ there beggin’ for it! And now we know you two weren’t even married!”

  “You’re hurting my arms!” Kate told him, trying to jerk away.

  The man squeezed even tighter. “You tell that Luke Bowden what I said! I’m the owner of the Lazy T, and my men have told me about Bowden’s threats to come out to my ranch and kill some of my men! Now, I’m tellin’ you that if Luke Bowden or any of those other men come out to the Lazy T makin’ trouble, they won’t be ridin’ back here. They’ll all be dead! You got that?”

  Terrified, Kate nodded. “Yes,” she answered, hardly able to find her voice.

  The man suddenly backhanded her. Kate went sprawling onto the dusty wood floor.

  “Hey, what’s going on in here!”

  Kate recognized Nora’s voice. She rolled to her knees to see the man who’d attacked her run out the door, pushing Nora aside as he did so. Nora quickly ran to her side. “Kate, who was that? What happened?”

  Kate picked up her coat and held it tight against her. “Go get Luke,” she told Nora.

  Thirty-two

  Kate set down a cup of tea and wrapped herself tighter into her coat. She’d put it on right away after her attack, shivering from shock more than from the cold. She’d left the shed and was back in Nora’s kitchen, but she still felt the need to wear it. Somehow it made her feel calmer to be wrapped in its warmth.

  She heard the front door open and slam shut, heard the thud of a man’s booted footsteps and the softer, quicker footsteps of a woman. She put a hand to her right cheek, which still stung from the old man’s blow. She knew by the footsteps that Luke was here, with Nora obviously hurrying behind him. He appeared at the kitchen doorway.

  “I’ll leave you two alone,” Nora said. She closed the kitchen door behind Luke, and Kate heard the woman’s soft footsteps as she walked away.

  Immediately, the small kitchen was filled with Luke’s virile presence—and his anger.

  “Kate!” He pulled up a chair beside her. “What the hell h
appened?”

  She didn’t look at him. “Luke, it was probably nothing. I mean…I don’t want to start a war.”

  He grasped her arm, a bit too firmly. “What happened?” he demanded.

  “Luke, you’re hurting me. That man grabbed my arms so tight he left bruises.”

  Luke immediately let go. “Shit! I’m sorry. What did he do, Kate? What did he say?”

  For some reason, Kate had trouble looking at him. After seeing the picture in the pocket watch, feeling the pain of missing him when she went through their things, wrapping herself into the coat he’d bought for her as though it would protect her because it was from Luke…it all brought to light how much she’d grown to love him. If she looked at him, he might see that. She stared at her teacup.

  “I was out in the shed, looking for my coat,” she explained. “An old man snuck into the shed behind me and said he wanted a word with me. He scared me to death, backed me into a corner, and said to tell you that you’d better…that you’d better shut your mouth about going after Benny and Henry out at the Lazy T. He said, if you do, you’ll get your head blown off.”

  Luke pushed some of her hair behind hear ear and studied the bruise forming on her cheek. “That son of a bitch!” he growled. “Did he hit you more than once?”

  I love the touch of your hand… “No.” Kate fought tears. “Once was enough.” An unwanted tear slipped down her cheek.

  “Look at me, Kate!”

  She still refused. “Luke, you just got well from a terrible infection that should have killed you. I don’t want you to go looking for trouble again. You’ve been hanged, and you got in that shoot-out going after those men here in Lander, and then you got shot defending me against those men at the cabin and—”

  “Look at me!” Luke demanded.

  Kate quickly wiped at her tears. This would be easier if she didn’t love him and didn’t want him to wrap her in his arms right now and say he loved her, too. She sniffed as she turned and finally raised her eyes to meet his gaze. Why did he have to be so handsome? He was still vital enough to attract a younger woman…someone as young and beautiful as Bonnie. He was going to go after those men, and there was nothing she could do to stop him. She already knew that. He’d changed so much, was angry all the time.

  “Have you told me everything?”

  “Yes,” she answered. “He backhanded me to the floor.” She put a shaking hand to her cheek. “But I don’t want you to go riding out there, Luke. Please don’t.”

  She could literally feel his wrath as he pushed back his chair and stood up.

  “Bastard!” he fumed. “I can’t let this go, Kate. Surely you know that.”

  Kate shook her head. “I really wish you’d just leave it alone, Luke. I’ve watched you come close to death three times now. I can’t go through that again!”

  He paced. “I have help. A lot of the men in town have offered to go out to the Lazy T with me. I found out that other Lazy T men have mistreated some of the women above the saloons. We’ve decided to put a stop to it. Men out in these parts will stand up and fight for our women. What happened to you will give them even more cause to ride out to the Lazy T with me! At least now we have names! Benny and Henry. They obviously came back to the Lazy T, and they’ve given their version of what happened.”

  His comments about the women above the saloons made Kate want to ask if he’d slept with any of them, but she didn’t bother to ask. It was none of her business. He was obviously doing all he could to distance himself from her, hanging out in the saloons, drinking and gambling. Maybe this angry man ready to kill was the real Luke Bowden, the one she’d not had time to get to know. And was she any different from those women who lived above the saloons, after what she’d let him do with her?

  She looked down at her teacup again. “Luke, he said that those two men looked in the windows at the cabin. They saw what we were doing, and he said now that everyone knows we aren’t married, don’t bother defending my honor because I have no honor. He accused me of…the day of the shooting…of standing there naked…begging for those men to come for me. I’m sure that’s what those men told him and others at the ranch when they got back.” She looked up at him. “Don’t go out there, Luke! They will just drag me through the mud and make it look like you shot them just to keep me to yourself. They might find a way to make you look like the guilty one, not them. If the men in town find out the truth—”

  “Stop it!” Luke told her, his eyes on fire with rage. He marched back to the chair beside her and sat down, turning it to face her more fully. He grasped her hands.

  “Don’t you dare hang your head, Kate Winters! Nothing those ranch hands say will change the mind of one man here in Lander about you being worthy of their defense. So don’t go around hanging your head, understand?”

  She looked away again. “Luke—”

  “Don’t say it, Kate!” He squeezed her hands. “I want you to know that I’ve already made up my mind. When this is over, I’m going on to Atlantic City. It’s only a few days southwest of here, so there is still time to get there before the really deep snows set in. I only came to Lander because it’s a little farther north and that much closer to Oregon. I’ll come back here for you in the spring. All our things are here, our horses…everything. I have to come back. For now, I’m just taking Red and one of the pack horses. I can get anything else I need in Atlantic City. It’s bigger than Lander—”

  “No!” Kate met his gaze again. “What if you decide not to come back?”

  “Didn’t I come back to that cave?”

  “But you were gone from the cave only a day or two, and you knew I could die if you didn’t return. This is different. I have help now, and even friends. And you’re talking about five or six months away! You have no obligation to come back, Luke, and you will already have a head start for California.”

  Luke sighed and leaned closer. “Kate, I owe you my life. I’m not going to abandon you after what you did for me, let alone what you put up with nursing me back from death when I had that infection. And I already told you I need to come back anyway, for the rest of my things. As far as protection, you’re already established here, along with Nora and Esther and even Betsy, and there are a few other women here, wives of businessmen and even wives of some of the outlaws. The men here will protect you now, especially Big Jim, who already promised me he’d keep a special watch on you. That was my main concern, and with me gone there will be no question about your respect. It’s best this way, Kate, for your reputation and for both of us to have time to think about…you know…about how we feel about each other.”

  But it’s not best this way! I said I only acted out of need, Luke, but I acted out of love. She studied his dark eyes. But you don’t love me, and you told me so. You’re just giving me time to forget you. It wasn’t his fault she’d lost her heart in her need to be a woman again. Such things didn’t mean the same thing to a man.

  “I don’t want you to ride to that ranch, Luke. It’s too dangerous.”

  “I’ll be all right. And while I’m gone, I’ll rest easy knowing you have a job for the winter, a nice woman to stay with, the protection of every man in this town, and you’ll be warm and well fed. When I come for you in the spring, you will be rested and ready to make the trip to Oregon. You can look for a man who isn’t half outlaw and who already has a job or owns property…maybe even a widower who needs someone in his life again, which is exactly what you’re looking for.”

  I’ve already found the man I’m looking for. Why couldn’t she make herself say it? She pulled her hands away, hating what his touch did to her. She couldn’t tell him her real feelings because he had to feel the same about her. She didn’t want a marriage of obligation. She didn’t want him just feeling sorry for her…marrying her and then meeting some young woman and wishing he’d waited. She scooted back her chair and stood up. “I suppose you’re right abo
ut staying away,” she told him. She walked to the kitchen window and looked out at light snowflakes that drifted on a gentle wind. But it will be such a long, dark, lonely winter without you. Maybe not seeing him for weeks or months would help her get over him. The way they’d met, the things they’d been through, all were circumstantial and proved nothing in the way of love. “I’ll worry about you traveling in this unpredictable weather,” she told Luke. “The tops of the mountains out there are already white with heavier snows.”

  “I’ll go straight south to Atlantic City. I’ll make it okay, and I’ll leave as soon as this thing at the Lazy T is finished. The ranchers there have caused other problems, and with no law out here, men have to keep the peace their own way.”

  Kate felt him rise from his chair and walk closer. He put his hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him. Kate tried to ignore the broad, powerful shoulders, the full lips and thick, rather shaggy hair, the air of “man” about him. “Promise me you won’t end up like them, Luke. You’re too good of a man to turn to the outlaw way.”

  “I’m just doing what needs to be done,” he said. “I’m not going out to rob a bank or steal some man’s cattle and horses.”

  Kate smiled weakly. “I know. I just…I’ve seen the good in you, Luke Bowden. No matter what happens between us, I don’t want to see that goodness fade away.”

  “It won’t. Just tell me one thing, Kate. Tell me I didn’t…get you in a bad way.”

  Kate looked down, a mixture of embarrassment and desire making the color rise to her cheeks. “No.” Oh, how she wanted him again. She was tempted to ask him to sleep with her this very night, before he left for Atlantic City. She put her hands against his chest. “Promise me that you will come back in the spring. I don’t trust anyone else to get me to Oregon.”