The Liar’s Daughter (ARC)

by Claire Allan

  every time I look in the mirror. Even when I think I’m happy.

  Even when I think I have it sussed and when I think I’m finally

  ‘over it’. My eyes tell a different story.

  Seeing Ciara now, the look on her face, I know she feels it,

  too. The pain, the betrayal, the hurt and the shame.

  240

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 240

  11/10/2019 16:22

  My arms are like lead weights. Ciara is crying now. Gulping lungfuls of air. Lily is still howling. It’s only the sharpness of her cry that forces me to move, to turn from Ciara and focus

  on the tiny child who needs me. The innocent baby.

  My girl.

  My precious little girl.

  I could never have allowed him to hurt her, you see.

  When she was born, everything I’d thought I’d pushed to

  the back of my mind about Joe and what he’d done came back.

  And with it came such a primal sense of needing to protect

  my daughter, I vowed to distance myself even further from Joe

  McKee.

  And then he became sick and it all seemed as though karma

  was finally catching up with him. But it trapped me. No one

  would understand if I walked away from a dying man, but I’d

  rather have died myself than tell people what I’d endured. They’d

  never understand. I doubted they would even believe me. Joe

  was regarded so highly, and I was always regarded as a strange

  one, a misfit, the girl who was a bit ‘mad in the head’.

  They’d never understand that it was more complicated than

  it ever appears in the movies. Mind games and manipulation.

  A destroyed sense of self. I had clung on to ‘love’ as twisted

  and as damaging as it was. I’d almost persuaded myself it had

  never happened. Until Lily was born. Until I woke up.

  I’m aware of Ciara slumping to the floor behind me as I lift

  my baby and rock her to me. Hold her close and soothe her.

  Centre myself as she fusses. She’s hungry. Her physical need

  reminds me I need to be present.

  I lower myself to the floor and bring Lily to my chest. She

  quiets as she starts to feed.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Ciara says. ‘I’m sorry for everything. For what I

  said. Or didn’t say. I’m right, aren’t I? He hurt you.’

  I nod, a teardrop plopping onto Lily’s soft hair. It all seems

  so sad.

  241

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 241

  11/10/2019 16:22

  ‘If I’d spoken up, maybe, just maybe . . .’

  I can’t speak.

  She shakes her head. ‘I blocked it out,’ she says. ‘I didn’t allow myself to think about it. I was so angry. It was so messed up.

  For years, I thought it was normal. He made me believe what

  we did, no . . . what he did to me . . . was normal.

  ‘When you were ill . . .’ Ciara blinks at me. ‘Back when you

  were young, how you behaved, I should’ve known it was about

  more than your mother dying. But I swear I didn’t. I don’t

  think I wanted to see it. He told me I was his special girl, you

  see. His favourite.’ Her voice cracks and she puts her hand to

  her mouth as if she might throw up.

  ‘Oh God, I’m so, so sorry,’ she says. ‘I know you mightn’t

  believe this, but it was only when I spoke to Stella last night

  and she said . . .’ She pauses.

  I can’t speak.

  ‘She asked me did I think he hurt you, too. I knew straight

  away he had. I felt it there and then. So much of what happened

  when we young just clicked into place.’

  She is crying. Her fierce, cool, at times vicious exterior has

  been replaced with a vulnerability I’ve never seen in her before.

  Not when she was fourteen and screaming at me that she hated

  me. Not when she didn’t realise I’d heard her beg her daddy

  to come back.

  ‘I was so awful to you, Heidi. So awful. Even now, as a grown

  up. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but you must know I’m

  really sorry. More sorry than I can ever say.’

  There is such desperation in her voice, it’s heartbreaking.

  ‘I’d have said something if I knew. I think I would’ve said

  something.’

  ‘I believe you,’ I say, my body sagging but also knowing it

  was always more complicated than that. It was never as easy as

  just saying something. Just telling someone.

  242

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 242

  11/10/2019 16:22

  Ciara nods. We are both utterly exposed to each other for the first time.

  ‘You’ve not told Alex, have you?’ she eventually says.

  I shake my head. ‘I haven’t told anyone. I was too ashamed

  and then I didn’t want people, especially Alex, to look at me

  like I was damaged goods.’

  ‘I know,’ she says, because she really does know.

  She knows exactly what this feeling is like.

  ‘He told me no one else wanted me,’ I tell her, feeling strange

  to say the words out loud for the first time. ‘I had no one.

  Everyone thought I wasn’t right, you know? Too much trouble.

  He told me he was the only person who loved me and he’s

  the only person who would take care of me. He told me bad

  things happened to children in care and that’s where I would

  end up.’

  Saying the words hurt. Bad things had been happening to

  me anyway.

  Ciara drops her head in her hands. ‘I told you those things

  too. If I’d known . . . Oh God, I made it so awful for you. I

  know it’s no excuse, but I was hurting so much. It was so

  fucked-up. He told me I was his special girl,’ she sniffs. ‘That

  what he did, what he made me do, was how people showed

  each other how much they love each other.’

  ‘God, when I think about it now, I was so stupid. So naive,’

  I say.

  Ciara pushes her hair back from her face, shakes her head.

  ‘We were children, Heidi. We weren’t stupid. We were scared,

  vulnerable children. And the only way I knew how to commu-

  nicate with people was to hurt them,’ she says, wiping her eyes

  then nose with the back of her sleeve.

  She pulls her knees to her chest and she looks, for all intents

  and purposes, like the truculent fourteen-year-old again I

  remember from all those years ago.

  243

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 243

  11/10/2019 16:22

  I realise we’ve both been trapped in time – stuck in an awful place of shame and hurt for so long that we never got the

  chance to grow up normally.

  ‘I don’t blame you,’ she says eventually, and I blink back at

  her. ‘I think you were brave. I’m jealous, almost.’

  She must register the confusion on my face.

  ‘For what you did,’ she says. ‘I’m not angry. I wish I’d had

  the nerve to do it myself.’

  I blink, tense. ‘What I did?’ I ask.

  ‘To him. To Joe. You killed him. It was you, wasn’t it?’

  I stare at her. I can’t find the words – this is all moving on

  to a place I was not prepared for.

  ‘I mean, I get it now, I understand. God, anyone would

&
nbsp; understand,’ she says, her voice growing in confidence. ‘And I’ll

  help you in whatever way I can. We can tell the police, together,

  both of us. We can tell them how sick he was, and I mean in

  the head. What he did. How he manipulated us. What he took

  from us. They’ll understand. If we both tell them. They’ll have

  to take it all into consideration. Trauma and all that.’

  I shake my head again. She really thinks I was the one to

  suffocate the life out of Joe.

  ‘But, Ciara. I didn’t do it. It wasn’t me,’ I say.

  She blinks at me. ‘You can trust me,’ she says, more urgency

  in her voice. ‘I’m on your side now. I understand.’ She sniffs.

  ‘The pressure you must have been under. Being in this house.

  Being around him all that time. No one – no one in the world

  would blame you. I don’t think you have to be scared,’ she says.

  ‘Once the police know what he put you through, what he put

  us through . . .’

  She’s repeating herself. Rambling. Become manic. Breaking

  just as I had broken.

  ‘Ciara, I didn’t do it,’ I repeat. ‘I had nothing to do with it,’

  I mutter, but she just shakes her head.

  244

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 244

  11/10/2019 16:22

  ‘I think it would be better to go to the police before they come to you. To tell them before they find their evidence, you

  know. Don’t they say that these things are always better for you

  if you come forward yourself? I’ll go with you. We can go now,

  once you’re finished feeding Lily.’

  Her voice has risen an octave or two, become quicker. Her

  eyes are more manic. She is caught up in her own storm and

  she isn’t listening to anything I say.

  ‘Or I could just call them now, you know. I’m sure that DI

  Bradley would come over if I asked him.’

  My chest tightens. Lily wriggles, responding to my body

  tensing. I lift her up onto my shoulder as Ciara tries to pull

  herself to her feet, moving towards the phone on the table.

  She’s not listening to me. She’s convinced, no matter what I

  say, that I did it. And I know, despite her apologies and her

  tears, that she is very good at making people believe her.

  Maybe all this, all these tears and confessions, have just been

  an act as well. I wouldn’t put it past her. It’s just a way of

  manipulating me further – of making me take the fall for her.

  The most disgusting of all her attempts to hurt me.

  Could she be covering up for her own actions? She had the

  same reasons to hate him as I did. And there’s no denying that

  she hates me, too. That doesn’t just disappear in the course of

  one conversation, no matter the topic.

  ‘Ciara, stop it! You’re not listening. I didn’t do it. I swear on

  Lily’s life, I didn’t do it. I wouldn’t do anything that would risk me being taken away from her.’

  ‘Lily will be fine.’ Ciara brushes off my pleas. ‘I bet you won’t

  even serve time, once they know.’

  She reaches for the phone and I scramble to my feet, my

  daughter still in my arms.

  ‘Stop it!’ I’m screaming now. ‘You’re not phoning the police.

  I won’t let you.’

  245

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 245

  11/10/2019 16:22

  ‘Are you threatening me?’ she asks. ‘If you think you can intimidate me into taking the blame for something you’ve done,

  you can think again.’

  She’s twisting everything and I can’t keep up. My head hurts.

  ‘I’m not threatening you,’ I plead, trying to reach out to her.

  She shrugs and turns away from me, grabbing the phone

  with a shaking hand. ‘All this could be over and done with if

  you’d just admit it. Have we not all suffered enough at this

  stage? I feel like we’ve suffered enough . . . And anyone can

  see you were distracted with everything. Not in your right

  mind.’

  ‘Ciara!’ I say firmly, my hand on her shoulder, spinning her

  round to face me. I know I’m in her face and I’m intimidating

  her now. ‘You’re not listening to me. I didn’t do it. Why would

  it be me? You’ve as much of a motive as I have . . .’

  She looks at me as if I’ve just come out with the most ludi-

  crous statement of all time.

  ‘Well it was hardly me,’ she says, turning the phone away

  from me again.

  She’s dialling the number, I can hear the phone ring on the

  other end and I snatch it from her quickly, throw the phone

  as hard as I can to the floor so that it smashes.

  ‘I won’t take the fall for you. Or for anyone else,’ I tell her.

  She is glaring at me, her eyes dark, enraged. For the first time

  in days, anger is not my primary emotion – fear is.

  246

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 246

  11/10/2019 16:22

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  Ciara

  Now

  Heidi has knocked the phone out of my hand. It’s in bits on

  the floor. I look at it, then look back to her. Why did she do

  that? And she thinks maybe I’m the one covering up for my

  actions.

  She’s actually suggesting I did it. That I killed my own father.

  She is delusional and dangerous.

  ‘Why did you do that?’ I ask, stepping towards her. ‘Why

  would you be so stupid to do that? I only wanted to help!’ I’m

  so angry now. Why won’t she let me help her?

  ‘You’re not listening to me,’ she says, but all I’ve done is listen.

  Over the last few days that’s all there has been to do. To listen

  to everyone gather round and talk about this man who was the

  ‘salt of the earth’. How he ‘deserved more than he got’ and

  would be ‘greeted at the gates of heaven by the faithfully

  departed’. Every single thing I’ve heard has made me want to

  throw up.

  247

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 247

  11/10/2019 16:22

  But I haven’t. I’ve stayed because my mother needs me. And Kathleen, too. And here is Heidi and I’m offering to help her

  and she’s acting like a woman possessed.

  Why can’t she see that all I want to do is help?

  I get that she’s scared. I get that she might not want to admit

  what she did. I get that she might even actually believe that it

  was me who did it . . .

  ‘Why are you being so stupid? Why are you being so stub-

  born?’ I’m shouting and she’s hugging that baby to her in the

  way she used to hold that stupid, ugly doll of hers. ‘I’ve said

  I’ll help. I’ll help make them believe.’

  She shakes her head and my frustration grows stronger. I know

  that maybe I’m rambling a little bit, tripping over my words.

  ‘Everyone has to know,’ I say. ‘And we have to tell them. You

  have to tell them.’

  Heidi looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights. For every

  step I take towards her, she takes a step back. She is holding

  that baby of hers so tightly that Lily is starting to protest.

  ‘Put the baby down,’ I s
ay, moving towards her.

  ‘Ciara, back off,’ Heidi says, taking another step backwards,

  straight into the wall.

  ‘I’m only trying to help,’ I tell her again. ‘That’s all I’m trying to do. If we can prove he hurt us, hurt both of us . . .’ I want

  to cry, or shake her or find some way to get through to her

  and make her understand.

  I can see panic in her eyes. She is rocking her baby almost

  too much.

  ‘Give me the baby,’ I say, reaching out for Lily.

  All I want to do is make sure she is safe. Heidi is being too

  rough.

  ‘Leave me alone,’ she cries out.

  And I know she is scared, but if she squeezes Lily any

  tighter . . .

  248

  TheLiarsDaughter_R_1stProofs_20191011_372ZZ.indd 248

  11/10/2019 16:22

  ‘I just want to make sure she’s safe,’ I say. ‘Please.’

  Heidi is shaking her head. ‘No. No. You want to hurt her

  and you want to take her from me. Everybody always takes

  everything away from me . . .’

  She’s becoming hysterical. Maybe if I call Alex. He might be

  able to talk some sense into her. He will be able to calm her

  down. She’ll listen to him.

  I step back, mutter to myself to remember to breathe. That

  I’m okay. I won’t give in to the panic that is clawing at me,

  too. My mobile is in my bag, which is hanging at the bottom

  of the stairs. I know I put Alex’s phone number in it on one

  of the evenings we were planning how to help Joe. Was it even

  on the night Joe died? It might have been. That night has

  become hazy now. I’ve barely slept since and my memories are

  blurring into one another.

  ‘Okay,’ I say, my hands shaking, reaching in and pulling out

  my phone. ‘I know it’s scary, but it doesn’t have to be.’

  ‘Who are you calling now?’ Heidi asks. ‘Don’t call the police.

  I told you, it wasn’t me. Don’t call the police.’

  I raise a hand to quiet her.

  ‘Who are you calling?’ she shouts at me.

  The call is connecting on the other end. I can hear it ringing.

  Heidi is crossing the room to me. I will Alex to pick up, sag

  with relief when I hear his voice.

  ‘Alex,’ I say, fighting against Heidi’s hand reaching out for

  the phone. ‘You need to come home, to Joe’s house. You need

  to come now.’

  Heidi is shouting at me, Lily is wailing.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she’s screaming.

  Alex will be panicking. I hear him mutter ‘What’s going on?’,