Make or Break at the Lighthouse B & B

by Portia MacIntosh

Like the difference between Liam Neeson in Love Actually and Liam Neeson in Taken, my attitude has completely shifted. I don’t feel like a victim, I don’t feel hard done by, I feel like I want to make him sorry, and unlike Liam I do know who he is, I do know where he is, and I will make him sorry he ever messed with me and my new friends.

  Chapter 28

  ‘I’m sorry about before,’ I explain to the group. ‘I think the pain was making me a bit funny.’

  ‘No worries, my love,’ Doris assures me. ‘We’re glad you’re feeling better.’

  ‘Today we’re talking about behaviour in relationships. What’s the worst thing you’ve done in a relationship?’

  ‘Not had one,’ Toby says very matter-of-factly.

  ‘I was quite stuffy with my husband,’ Doris says. ‘He was a joker, a bit like this one.’

  She nods towards Dean who flashes her a smile. She must see a little of her late husband in him because this visibly warms her.

  ‘He never took anything seriously and it used to annoy me. Now I realise that he was the light in my life and now that it’s gone out … well … I’m not sure there’s a bulb in the world that can replace him. I wish I’d spent less time complaining about him being silly, not tidying up after himself, leaving his dirty gardening boots in the conservatory … None of it seems important now.’

  Oh boy, do I have a lump in my throat. I thought I was depressed before but this has tipped me over the edge. For a moment, everyone just stares at her. Kim wipes a tear from her face as quickly and as subtly as she can get away with.

  ‘None of that, my love, I’m OK,’ Doris reassures her.

  ‘Shall I go next?’ Dean asks, moving things along. It’s funny because I know that he hates this stuff and that he thinks it’s stupid, and yet he’s doing it anyway. I know he was only attending because he thought his sister had paid for it, but now I feel like he’s participating, and it kind of feels like he’s doing it for me.

  ‘In my marriage I perhaps wasn’t as vocal as I could’ve been, about what made me happy and what I wanted,’ he says. ‘I should’ve spoken up more.’

  Intriguing …

  ‘My biggest relationship mistake is this bloody idiot,’ Channy announces as Will walks into the room.

  ‘Oh, hello,’ I say brightly, turning round in my chair to greet him. ‘This is our newest member, Will. Come in, sit down, take a seat.’

  Will looks confused. He ought to. I told him there was an emergency and he needed to come over immediately.

  ‘Sit down, Will,’ I say firmly.

  There’s this look in his eye, like he knows I know everything. Well, with Channy sitting here mouthing off about him, he must know I know that much, at least. I’m pretty sure I told him about Channy, in anonymous terms, when we had dinner. As everything falls into place in his head, he grabs a chair and sits down with us.

  ‘Will, I can’t believe you’re here,’ Kim says. I don’t think she knew anything was going on between us. I never told her I was going for dinner with him. I suppose she’s just surprised because he’s a handsome doctor who shouldn’t have any trouble finding women, which he clearly doesn’t. His problem is obviously that he finds too many women.

  ‘We broke up like two days ago – I can’t believe you’re here,’ Channy adds.

  ‘Weren’t you already here?’ he asks her defensively.

  ‘Yeah, for advice about you and the way you treat me.’

  ‘Are you not a very good boyfriend, Will?’ I ask. ‘We were just talking about what our worst behaviours in relationships were. Would you like to tell us yours?’

  ‘A wandering eye,’ Doris suggests.

  ‘It’s a different part of his anatomy that wanders,’ Channy says.

  ‘Is there a cure for that, Doc?’ Dean asks him.

  Oh, poor Will. Poor, sweaty Will, melting in the function room central heating that everyone else is enjoying. His guilty conscience is burning its way out of him, turning his face red, allowing beads of sweat to hurry down his cheeks. He almost looks like he’s crying, but I don’t imagine he feels guilty enough for that. Just embarrassed and perhaps a little frustrated at being caught out.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he tells me.

  ‘Don’t apologise to me, apologise to Channy,’ I insist.

  ‘Sorry, Chan. Sorry, everyone.’

  ‘You know what, I’m not sure you should be here,’ I say. ‘I think it’s completely inappropriate, turning up here, thinking it will just be another way to meet women, like when you came to the speed dating night.’

  ‘He was at the speed dating night?’ Channy squeaks. ‘He told me he was visiting his auntie.’

  For Will, ‘visiting auntie’ is clearly a completely disgusting euphemism.

  ‘I think you should get out,’ I tell him. ‘Before anyone says anything else.’

  A blatant but silent threat that if he doesn’t get out of my sight right now, I will tell everyone everything. He might not care about women, but I’m sure he cares about his reputation in the village. Oh my God, I bet it was him who was flirting with Lily, before learning she was pregnant. What a pig.

  ‘Lola, wait, can we chat in private?’ he begs.

  ‘Absolutely not,’ I reply. ‘You mess with my friends, you mess with me.’

  ‘I really think—’ he starts, but Dean doesn’t let him finish.

  ‘OK, I think you need showing the door,’ Dean says, jumping to his feet, taking Will by the arm with one hand, the other gripping grimly on Will’s shoulder.

  ‘Oh yeah, what are you, a bouncer?’ Will asks as he tries to struggle free.

  ‘Worse, I’m a police officer,’ Dean replies.

  ‘Phwoar,’ Doris shouts. ‘Put your handcuffs on him.’

  Dean frogmarches Will to the door, gently nudges him through it and closes it behind him.

  ‘I think that’s the last we’ll see of him,’ Dean announces, dusting off his hands theatrically. ‘Unless, you know, we get ill … but there are other doctors – ones with cleaner hands.’

  ‘I can’t believe you did that for me,’ Channy says. ‘It was like you all had my back.’

  I could tell her about me and Will, but what would be the point? It would only upset her, and we’re both rid of him now.

  ‘You’re going to meet someone who doesn’t think it’s OK to treat you the way Will treated you,’ I tell her.

  ‘I know,’ she replies. ‘I think I already have.’

  Oh God, I hope she’s not talking about Dean. What is it about the mention of handcuffs that makes women go nuts? Myself included, if I’m being honest. There was definitely something pretty sexy about watching Dean manhandle Will like that …

  Chapter 29

  Robbie has given me food for thought today. Quite literally, he’s trying to cheer me up with cakes.

  Not content with revamping the food menu, now he’s working his magic on the dessert menu and, believe me, it is magic.

  After observing that I ‘looked like I needed cheering up’, Robbie signed me up for taste testing, so I’m in the kitchen, waiting for him to feed me better – a trick straight out of the Linda James playbook, although I don’t think she’s put him up to it today. I guess I’ve championed him since day one so he probably feels brave enough to run things by me first.

  ‘So, what’s on the menu, chef?’ I ask with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. I don’t have much enthusiasm for anything right now, especially not the Unmatchables’ meeting that’s planned for after. I keep suggesting we space them out a little more, but everyone is raring to go. Every few days, everyone finds a spare forty-five minutes. They just keep asking me to arrange another one, and I don’t really have an excuse not to help them; I’m just sat on my arse all day. It all seems so stupid and all I can think about is how to nip it in the bud. I don’t think I’m the right person to help anyone anymore – at least not while I’m feeling like this.

  ‘First up we have two different types of profiteroles: chocolate and
salted caramel. But here’s the twist,’ he says excitedly. ‘They’re filled with ice cream instead of cream.’

  ‘Oh, damn, that does sound good,’ I admit. At least being miserable hasn’t taken its toll on my appetite, although that might be dangerous for my thighs while I’m unable to move.

  ‘You can try either,’ he starts.

  ‘I’ll try both,’ I quickly insist.

  ‘Or you can try both.’ He laughs.

  Oh, wow. Profiteroles stuffed with ice cream are a dream come true for me – a dream I didn’t even know I had.

  ‘Yep, they’re incredible,’ I tell him. ‘My dad will love them.’

  ‘Really?’ he asks, his eyes wide with optimism.

  I thought chefs were supposed to be egotistical, angry, sweary types – like Vince. Robbie isn’t like that at all; he’s kind of nervous, terrified people won’t like his food. Someone once told Vince their steak wasn’t medium rare so he stormed into the dining room, snatched it up, marched outside with it and threw it into the sea. The customer had no idea; she thought he’d just taken it to the kitchen to make her another one. My mum told me the full story later.

  ‘Really,’ I insist. ‘So, so good. Can you even top that?’

  Robbie pushes a small glass dish across the table to me.

  ‘Strawberry and elderflower trifle,’ he announces before biting his lip anxiously.

  I can’t help but raise my eyebrows. ‘Interesting,’ I say. ‘Let’s give it a go.’

  I take a reasonably sized spoonful, making sure to get a little bit of each layer before popping it down the hatch.

  ‘Oh my God,’ I gasp. ‘Robbie, oh my God.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Yeah! What kind of sponge is that, is that lemon?’

  ‘Yeah, lemon drizzle.’

  ‘Wow. You are just so incredibly talented. Seriously, my mum and dad are lucky to have you.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he replies.

  ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’ I ask curiously.

  ‘Nah,’ he says with a laugh. ‘Between travelling for work and being a bit of a dork, I never really seem to hit it off with people.’

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with being a dork,’ I reply. ‘What do you think makes you a dork?’

  He reaches into his trouser pocket and pulls out a set of keys. He dangles them in front of my face.

  ‘See this key ring?’ he asks.

  ‘The little silver hammer?’ I reply. ‘Yeah …’

  ‘It isn’t a little silver hammer, it’s Mjölnir.’

  ‘Me-what now?’ I ask with a laugh.

  ‘Mjölnir,’ he says again, as if hearing it a second time will make sense to me. ‘It’s Thor’s hammer. I’m a Marvel nerd.’

  ‘Ohhh,’ I reply. ‘OK, yes, you are kind of a dork, but there are plenty of dorks out there.’

  ‘Yeah but sadly we’re all introverts,’ he laughs.

  ‘Lola,’ my mum squeals angrily as she enters the kitchen. ‘Oh, Lola, come with me, come see what you’ve done.’

  ‘I don’t actually think I’ve done anything,’ I insist as she wheels me through the B & B.

  As we pass the reception room, Dean, Kim and Doris are waiting. Kim is helping Doris take her coat off. Dean is reading one of the tourist leaflets from the stand in the doorway. My mum’s huffing and puffing catches their attention.

  ‘You lot can come see this too,’ she announces. ‘Come on, follow me.’

  As instructed they all follow me and my mum into the function room. She wheels me up to the storage cupboard before whipping open the sliding door. Inside there, on a pile of yoga mats on the floor, Channy and Toby are kissing. Like, really kissing. My mum opening the door only just breaks them from their passion. Toby looks like a rabbit in the headlights as he jumps up to his feet. Channy just sits up. I can’t say that she looks as if something like this hasn’t happened to her before.

  ‘Oh, God, guys, no, what are you doing?’ I ask.

  ‘Only what you told us to,’ Channy says.

  I hear my mum gasp behind me. ‘Lola James, I thought you found people love, not … forbidden fumbles.’

  I hear Dean echo the words ‘forbidden fumbles’ but my mum doesn’t pick up on it.

  ‘You’ve turned this place into a knocking shop,’ she tells me.

  ‘Come on, Mum, they were only kissing. And I certainly didn’t tell them to,’ I insist.

  ‘You did,’ Channy replies. ‘You gave us that talk on how the right person for us was right under our noses, and you were like really, really stressing it to us. We realised you meant within the group and, well, we didn’t really fancy each other but we gave it a go and turns out we do.’

  ‘We might be in love,’ Toby says sheepishly.

  ‘Well, maybe,’ Channy says. ‘We’ll see.’

  ‘Erm,’ is about all I can say. I smack my lips together as I rack my brain for the right words. I lightly chew on my lip until something comes to me. ‘Yeah, OK, that’s not what I meant though.’

  ‘Oh,’ she replies. ‘Well, it worked, so …’

  ‘Yeah, I guess all is well that ends well,’ I reply, still cringing at the whole thing. ‘Weird kind of yoga though …’

  ‘Lola, this isn’t funny,’ my mum snaps. ‘That’s it, I’m pulling the plug on this whole thing. You’re not doing this here anymore. What if a guest had seen? Or one of my line dancing old ladies?’

  ‘I’m an “old lady” and I didn’t mind it,’ Doris says, a little offended that my mum is trying to make out like her generation aren’t raging deviants who want to watch a young goth chick and a nerdy teenager kissing in a cupboard. I look over at her and notice she’s got her glasses on now, which she didn’t when I first spotted her in reception.

  ‘Well then I’m glad I’m kicking you all out,’ my mum says. She raises her hand as though she’s going to run it through her hair, but that would make it messy so she retreats. My mum likes to keep a tidy head of hair.

  ‘But, where are we going to go?’ Doris asks. ‘This group is the highlight of my social calendar.’

  ‘I’m sorry but I’m not having this debauchery going on in my B & B,’ my mum tells me. ‘I’ve got enough on my plate, Lola. This is my business.’

  ‘Yeah, OK, fine, class dismissed; everyone needs to go home,’ I say.

  If I’m being honest, I’m not that upset about this at all. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not in the mood for it. I am bitter and grumpy. I just want to wallow.

  ‘I need to get back to work. Please disperse,’ my mum instructs.

  ‘Well, at least Channy and Toby found … something before my mum pulled the plug,’ I say with a shrug of my shoulders.

  ‘What about us?’ Doris asks. ‘What are we supposed to do?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘I …’

  I’m about to say that I don’t think we can have the classes anymore when Dean chimes in.

  ‘Why don’t we all go for a day out on the beach?’ he asks. ‘Is everyone free? I know it’s not exactly the weather for it, but there’s plenty to do indoors as well.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ I say. ‘I’m sure everyone is busy.’

  ‘I’m sure we’re not, right, guys? What about it? Going out into the field trying to find love?’

  I’m sure Dean thinks he’s doing the right thing by everyone; keeping the group together and finding us somewhere else to go. I just want to give up now.

  ‘Oh, yes, that would be lovely,’ Doris says.

  ‘Yeah, today is my day off,’ Kim adds. ‘I’m all for it.’

  ‘Can we come?’ Channy asks. ‘I kind of feel like we’re a part of the gang, even if we’re loved up.’

  ‘Of course you can,’ Dean says. ‘You’re like my weird little sister. Toby is like my weird little brother … and yet somehow I don’t consider the two of you related. I must make that clear.’

  ‘Dope,’ she replies.

  ‘I actually have a couple of days off, so I’m wide o
pen,’ he says. ‘Anyone else have a car?’

  ‘I do,’ Kim says helpfully.

  ‘Perfect,’ he replies. ‘We’ll split into two groups and all head over to the bay.’

  Reluctantly I go along with the plan. I suppose it will do me good to get out of the house, especially with my mum on the warpath. Does she really think I’d convince two youngsters to hook up in a cupboard? I can honestly say, in all my years doing this job, I’ve never done anything remotely like that.

  I suppose it’s my fault. I was laying it on so thick, trying to convince Dean that he should get to know his colleague a little better. No wonder they thought I was hinting that they should get it on. They seem like they like each other though … I never would have called that. They are such opposites. Channy is a wild child and Toby is a nervous teenager. I guess opposites do attract.

  Dean loads me into his car before running around to get the door for Doris.

  ‘My lady,’ he says playfully.

  Doris giggles like a schoolgirl.

  ‘If I were thirty years younger,’ she tells him.

  ‘If you were thirty years younger, you’d still be in school,’ he replies.

  Where oh where has that grumpy, mick-taking cynic gone who marched straight into my bedroom and near-threatened to arrest me? This guy isn’t that guy; this guy is kind of happy and smiley and fun. He’s charming – more charming than he was when he was playing the bad boy. Now he’s just regular charming. I think I like being around him. I’m kind of glad he’s signed us all up for a beach day. At least it’s not all doom and gloom, at least I have someone to cheer me up, even if it is just the guy I’m trying to find a girlfriend for.

  Chapter 30

  Our trip to the bay started out pretty civilised. We went for afternoon tea at the cute little café on the seafront, tucking into sandwiches, scones and cakes, washed down with pots and pots of tea. It was nice, although the sweet treats didn’t have anything on what Robbie made me earlier.

  We sat at a table by the window and chatted as we looked out to sea. It’s was as cute and touristy as you could get. We didn’t talk much about love and relationships, but that’s just the way I wanted it to be today. I suppose it has been a nice distraction.