The Doctor Who Has No Closure (Soulless Book 10)

by Victoria Quinn

  “I didn’t know that you still had feelings for her.”

  I lifted my gaze and looked at him again. “I don’t. I just… I play it again and again in my head, questioning everything, trying to make sense of it. Our relationship, our commitment, was severed by…that? I haven’t spoken to her once, and I guess I always wonder…does she have any regrets? No one goes into a marriage thinking it’ll end in divorce, obviously. But I never, ever imagined my marriage would end like that, that I would be divorced before I turned thirty, having to start over when other people my age are just beginning.”

  Derek digested what I said for a while. “I used to do the same thing with Kevin and Tabitha. I wondered if Kevin and I had ever really been friends. I wondered if Tabitha had ever really loved me or were we just too young to know what love was. Did I ever mean anything to either of them?”

  “And what did you conclude?”

  “This is going to be hard to believe, but…sometimes things just happen. We’re all humans, and we make mistakes without thinking clearly. You get caught up in a moment, and before you know it, you’ve done something really terrible even though it’s not a true reflection of who you are. I know Kevin is a good guy, and I’m glad that we’re close friends again. I know Tabitha was just young at the time. I’ve forgiven them both and let it go—because I’ve done shitty things that aren’t a true reflection of who I am. Look what I did to Emerson—unforgivable. But you know, shit happens, and it impacts our behavior, our emotions, our critical thinking, our judgment. Bottom line, just because Catherine did that doesn’t mean everything prior to that wasn’t real. It doesn’t mean she didn’t love you and wasn’t just as happy as you were. This terrible event happened, impaired her judgment, made her behave in a way she wouldn’t normally behave if the conditions had never changed…and she made a bad decision. Don’t overthink it. And I’m sure that someday, when she’s back to a good place, she’ll look back and realize she made a mistake. Maybe she’ll tell you and give you the closure you need. Maybe she won’t. Doesn’t matter.”

  All of that made complete sense, so I gave a nod. “I didn’t realize you were so wise, Derek.”

  He shrugged. “If you think about every issue you have with someone, either you or the other person probably behaved in a certain way because they were going through a hard time. We don’t realize that because a lot of people don’t share their battles with us. But every betrayal, every fight, every terrible thing someone does is triggered by that. So, the next time someone does something that hurts you, just remember it’s not really who they are, it’s what they’re going through.”

  “And how did you learn that?”

  He took a drink of his scotch before he set it down again. “Emerson, actually. Because she could always see me, the real me, through the tornado of bullshit that spun around me. Always.”

  13

  Sicily

  Once a week had passed, things were a little better.

  We weren’t thinking about that conversation every time we were together anymore.

  Disappointment still lingered inside my heart, a gentle flutter that remained. I’d put myself on the line like that, made a complete idiot out of myself just because I saw a tiny ray of hope, a glimmer of a chance. Dex was the lottery, and even though I wasted my money on tickets, I continued to buy them, despite the fact that the odds were with three hundred million-to-one.

  Because he was the fucking jackpot.

  His rejection didn’t just sting because I couldn’t get what I wanted, but because he didn’t deserve to be in this eternal torment. That woman had ripped apart a good man, and it was infuriating.

  But maybe he was right. He’d only been divorced for a year. Would it be realistic for someone like that to be capable of having a true and deep relationship with a new person when he’d thought he was going to spend his life with someone else just a year ago? He didn’t say it, but it made me wonder if he still loved her.

  Why else did he keep that picture?

  The first time I got my heart broken, I wasn’t over the guy for about a year. And if that was Dex’s only relationship, maybe it was reasonable he wasn’t over it either.

  So, I should just move on and find someone else. I shouldn’t wait around for a remote possibility, especially when that possibility was my boss, which would make things even more complicated.

  I stood in his living room and waited for him to come down the hallway so we could leave for his interview. Instead of responding to emails and getting some work done while I waited, my mind turned back to the conversation I had with Dex, the cringeworthy moment of my life that I couldn’t stop replaying.

  He came out in jeans that were dark gray and a black t-shirt. It’d been cold since I’d known him, so I rarely saw him in shirts like that, shirts that showed off all the sexy muscles of his arms, those corded veins that looked like rivers that led to paradise. The shirt fit against his pecs perfectly and hung slightly loose around his waist because his stomach was all tight abs. He had these sexy narrow hips, and I had a feeling he was totally ripped underneath, masculine perfection.

  Fuck, would I ever be able to move on?

  He grabbed his jacket off the back of the couch. “How do I look?”

  Soooo fucking hot. “Um, you’re going to wear that for your interview?”

  “Why not?” He unzipped the jacket and pulled it on.

  “It’s just…a little casual.”

  “A suit is too formal, and I hate wearing ties. Plus, the stage will probably have lots of lighting, and that’ll make it warm. That’s why I always wear nothing but my scrubs when I do surgery even though it’s cold because the lights get to me after a while.” He grabbed his wallet and keys and headed to the door.

  I couldn’t resist a peek at his ass—which was fucking tight.

  We left his apartment then got into the car waiting for us.

  “Nervous?” I asked. “You want to go over anything?”

  “Nah.” With one elbow propped on the door, he looked out the window. “They’re asking me about heart surgery, which I know like the back of my hand. They aren’t asking me to solve a Rubik’s Cube or anything.”

  Which he would have no problem doing…

  We arrived at the studio and headed into the auditorium where the stage was. Emerson told me Derek had done a couple TED Talks, so I watched a few just to see what it was like. And I knew Derek was smart…but damn.

  They had Dex check in, go over a couple details, and then people started to take their seats.

  I should attend to all the other things I had to do and step out, but I really wanted to watch his interview because I found him to be the most fascinating person on the planet. I decided to sit in the auditorium, but before I left, I went to Dex backstage. “Need anything before I go?”

  He downed a cup of water before he threw it in the garbage, wiping a drop from the corner of his mouth with his thumb, being sexy when he was being messy. “Nope. I got this. Thanks for setting it up. George says you’re really nice.”

  “I know I’m a delight.”

  He gave me an affectionate smile, and that look was mirrored in his eyes. “Wish me luck.”

  “You don’t need it.” The impulse to hug him came over me, but I resisted and turned away to leave the backstage area. Sometimes I couldn’t believe this was my job, to work for someone like him, and maybe I should just be grateful I got to have a piece of him instead of nothing at all.

  I moved to down the aisle of chairs until I found an open seat.

  “Sicily.” Deacon stood up and waved me over.

  Cleo was beside him, giving me a wave from her seat beside him.

  I beamed when I saw them, some of my favorite people in the world. I scooted down the line until I took the seat beside Deacon. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “We both moved some things around,” Deacon said, wearing similar attire to his son, jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.

  “I asked Matt to
cover for me,” Cleo said. “There’s another plumbing emergency going on right now, but I left anyway. They can handle it.”

  I was sure it was pure fucking chaos, but I didn’t make her feel guilty for her decision to come see her son.

  “Is he nervous?” Deacon asked, looking so much like Derek with his dark hair and dark shadow on his jawline. Their voices even sounded the same. I only knew that because I’d been on YouTube the night before, watching all of Derek’s videos.

  “No, actually,” I said. “He seems totally fine.”

  “He can handle lots of attention,” Cleo said. “It doesn’t give him anxiety like it does to other people.” Anytime she talked about any of her kids, there was always a sense of pride to her voice, like any single thing she mentioned was a form of bragging.

  “You know he got that from you, right?” Deacon said, looking forward as he waited for the interview to begin.

  She chuckled. “Oh yes, I know.”

  The lights dimmed, and the interview began.

  George was the interviewer, a man in a blazer and tie, wearing round glasses on the bridge of his nose. “Heart disease is still the leading cause of death in this country, and according to Dr. Dex Hamilton, that numbers of deaths can decrease not only from changes to our diets and lifestyle, but with life-saving surgeries. The problem? There are not enough physicians to service populations in any country, advanced or unadvanced. Dr. Hamilton is known not only for his ground-breaking research into surgical practices that reduce risk for patients and reduce recovery time, but he’s also known for the health care he provides through Doctors Without Borders, bringing essential medicine and surgeries to communities that don’t have access in their respective countries. On top of that, Dr. Hamilton has his own cardiac foundation, All Hearts Beat as One, where he receives donations through sponsors so he can operate on all patients, regardless if they can afford his services. According to Dr. Hamilton, ‘No patient should be denied quality, life-saving surgery because they can’t afford it.’” George rose to his feet. “The man who needs no introduction, Dr. Dex Hamilton.”

  God, I’d never wanted a man more in my life.

  Everyone in the audience clapped except for two people.

  Cleo and Deacon.

  Deacon moved his hand to hers on the armrest and he squeezed it, and in silence, they shared a moment, just looking at each other, savoring all the love and pride they felt for the person they created together.

  Dex didn’t adopt a persona or put on a show. He was totally himself. His arms were relaxed on the armrests of his chair, his knees were apart just as they were when he sat on the couch and talked to his patients. Under the lights of the stage, his eyes were brilliant likes stars that shone on the darkest night, except it wasn’t dark at all. They just glowed on their own. His hard jawline had a slight shadow because of the lights, giving his chiseled features an even more carved look, and his light-brown hair was perfectly styled because he refrained from his urge to touch it like he usually did when he was thinking about something. He was all smiles most of the time, the most down-to-earth, humble, easygoing guy on the planet.

  Would I ever find a guy who could compete with Dex Hamilton?

  Never.

  George regarded him. “You were finished with residency well before you turned twenty-five, becoming the youngest cardiac surgeon in the world. How does that feel?”

  Dex gave a shrug. “I’m just as qualified as other surgeons, and they’re just as qualified as I am, even if they graduated at a later age. I don’t think it really matters.”

  “Come on, it matters,” George said with a laugh.

  The audience laughed too.

  Dex dropped his smile for a moment. “You know why most of my patients come to me and no one else?” Now he turned serious, like this was important to him. “It’s not because of my education at Stanford, Harvard, Johns Hopkins, all those pretty diplomas that hang on my wall. It’s because of the other things on my wall—the photos with the kids from South Africa, the Christmas cards I get every year even though they got their surgery years ago, the emails I still get from patients, giving me an update on their lives and asking me about mine. It’s because they know I care, that every patient I have is treated like a member of my own family, that I’m not encouraging surgery unless it’s absolutely necessary, not pushing them into it so I can buy a Ferrari. It’s not because doctors aren’t qualified, but frankly, they just don’t care. I don’t want any aspiring physician to watch this and think they aren’t smart enough to pursue medicine, because brilliance is a much smaller component of health care than people realize. It’s being completely and totally invested in the well-being of the patient, because that makes you go the extra mile, that makes you motivated to do better and better.”

  There was a loud round of applause from the audience at his response.

  He wasn’t my family member, but I felt the same sense of pride, the same sense of gratitude that we had a person like this in the world. Because of people like him, people like me got to live.

  George left the applause die down before he continued. “Any theories about why you are the way you are? We’ve had your brother, Dr. Derek Hamilton, on here many times, so there’s obviously a genius gene in the pool, but how do you explain your philanthropy, your generosity? Why are you so committed to helping people when others are more concerned with their bottom line?”

  Dex usually fired off his answers pretty quickly, but this time, he took a long pause before he responded. “I think there are two reasons.” He held up two fingers. “I was raised by really generous parents. Most people know that my father is an oncologist and researcher, so watching him help people was obviously a huge influence. He never really brought his work home with him, but whenever I asked about his day, he would always focus on his patient care and how he was helping people. He never talked about his Nobel Prize or anything like that. And the nights he would come home and go straight to his room…I knew he’d lost someone. And every single time, it affected him with the same pain. It didn’t matter how many times it happened; it was a new cut every single time. It was like losing someone he’d known forever. And he goes to every single funeral of the patients he can’t save. Basically, I was raised by a family that believes it’s our moral responsibility to help people. We were blessed with the gift of intelligence, and we need to use it to help humankind.” Another round of applause came, interrupting him. “And my mom is the same way, just in a different facet. Her entire life is geared toward helping people, not with their health care, but in other ways. And doing good things for people brings her inherent happiness, which was passed down to me. There’s no way I can say I am the way I am without including them, because they’re the people who made me and raise me. And my brother Derek has been a huge influence too because he’s a couple years older than me, and he’s always been a role model. He doesn’t work in medicine, but he has a huge impact on humanity as well. I could never picture doing anything else with my life, other than helping people.” People clapped again.

  George pulled his glasses off his nose and regarded him. “That was one reason. What’s the second?”

  “Privilege. My dad was a billionaire before he was thirty. Never once did we ever need to worry about health care, paying the mortgage, being unable to afford tuition, stuff like that. I’m not saying that my father didn’t work for his wealth or doesn’t deserve it, but it created a privilege that most people will never know. Billionaires make up less than one percent of the population, so I’m literally one of the richest people in the world because of his wealth. So, I’ve never been concerned about building wealth or working toward something because I’ve always had everything. There are lots of professionals out there who started from nothing and had to work their way up, to attain wealth and then pass it down to their descendants, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But that’s not a concern for me at all. So, financial security has never been a motivator in any capacity. That’s allowe
d me to be as selfless as I am. I can’t sit here and say I do all of these wonderful things because I’m such a great person. My background has a lot to do with it, at least unconsciously.”

  George gave a slight nod. “That makes a lot of sense. But you still deserve the credit, Dr. Hamilton. Because you could have just become a trust-fund baby who lounges in his penthouse and parties on yachts. You chose to spend your life doing something meaningful. The fact that you had another option only reinforces who you are. Because if given the choice, most people would pick the trust fund lifestyle…but not you.”

  My heart suddenly felt an ache, a tightness that wouldn’t dissipate. I was in the presence of someone truly special, and I never took that for granted. I loved this man because of his good heart and his soul. But my heart was weak, and I was getting sucked into feeling more, into feeling things I shouldn’t.

  Because I couldn’t fall in love with him…I just couldn’t.

  But I was afraid it was already too late.

  “So, you have a specific reason for coming to this TED Talk, right?” George asked. “You want to tell our audience what that reason is?”

  Dex grabbed the glass of water sitting on the table and took a drink before he answered. “The reason I’m able to provide care for patients who can’t afford it isn’t just because I volunteer my time. It’s because my sponsors and generous donors make it possible to cover these expensive costs, like the surgery center, the nurses, the medications, et cetera. I’ve been seeing a lot more patients lately since I returned to my practice, and because I never turn people away, I’m draining that fund. We’re getting to the point where I’ll have to stop accepting patients who need financial assistance if I don’t get more donations. That’s where you guys come in. Anything can help. I know not everyone can be a heart surgeon, but everyone has the opportunity to guarantee that someone who needs heart surgery can get it.” The round of applause that followed was louder than before, bringing the interview to a close.