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I wish I could explain the feeling of not being able to call and talk to my husband whenever I want. It can be days or weeks of not even knowing what country he's in (or flying over), with no word. It's stressful, frustrating, and lonely. When writing this book, I almost left this chapter out, because I hate the idea that the world may think I'm whiny, needy and helpless.
I'm not.
I'm actually pretty tough, like every military spouse is. We have to be. But the reality of having no way to contact your spouse for everyday news (there's always a means to track them down in the event of a crisis) is a difficult one to learn to live with. Even after two deployments—a total of a year apart—I'm not sure that I won't start to feel a tiny bit abandoned the next time he has to leave and can't call or write. My head tells me all the smart things:
He's safe or you would have heard.
He's really busy.
The phone lines are probably down again.
But my heart is more fragile, and doubts always aim their poison at the heart, like saboteurs whispering in your ear with their sour breath:
Maybe something happened, and you just haven't heard yet.
Maybe he's in danger.
Maybe that e-mail where you vented all over him made him not want to call you ever again.
Then he calls. Or e-mails. Or flowers arrive, because he's so wonderful he arranged to have flowers delivered every ten days during the entire deployment. And you can fill your lungs again, now that the three-hundred-pound gorilla of fear and worry has been lifted from your chest.
He's safe. Thank you, God.
28
Six Long Months: Will I Be a Virgin Again?
December 2001
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
It's been a long three weeks, four days, and 17 hours (but who's counting?)
Here we are, not even a month out, and I am already wondering if six months will qualify me for re-virginization. Can a person die from lack of sex?
To: Alesia
From: Judd
Subject: Think cold showers
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: That's easy for YOU to say!
You're in the desert!
Only four months, 27 days, and 18 hours to go Maybe I'll take up knitting.
I bet the Joint Chiefs weren't thinking about sex when they decided three-to six-month-long deployments were a good idea. (Of course, once you're one of the Joint Chiefs, maybe you're not allowed to think about sex anymore. Maybe only members of Congress are. It's probably in the Bill of Rights or something.)
Most military spouses don't talk about sex when they discuss deployment. Intimacy is, after all, a very private and personal part of a marriage. But, come on: Six months is a long time.
There was a popular movie out recently about some guy who made a bet to go forty days and nights without sex. Forty whole days.
Big deal.
Yet, this is considered so shocking that an actual movie was made about it. With national publicity and hype all over the place — cue suspenseful music — Can he survive? Will he make it for the entire forty days?
Give me a break. I'm betting that not a lot of military spouses went to see it. Hollywood, we scoff at your forty days.
I have friends who don't mind the occasional fight with their spouses, because of the joys of "make-up sex." Post-deployment reunion sex must be the equivalent of make-up sex times one thousand. In fact, all soldiers and sailors stepping off a plane or boat should have a warning pasted on their uniforms: CAUTION: POST-DEPLOYMENT SEX CAN CAUSE PREGNANCY.
Our squadron had thirty-seven newborn babies nine months after the last deployment. Is there a connection? You decide.
29
It’s Like Being a Single Parent, But I Can’t Date
December
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: So, I guess dating is out of the question?
I was so glad you called. I NEVER worry and don't know what you're talking about.
I was just kidding about the dating thing. This whole war has really affected your sense of humor. Like I would want to bother with somebody new, after all these years of trying to whip you into shape!
I had a stress-induced baking spree last night and made strawberry muffins, cupcakes, banana nut muffins, and fudge brownies. Everyone at school and work today is very appreciative.
We met seven years ago this month, can you believe it? Seven years, three states, and two children later, and we're still doing great. That's saying something, don't you think?
The kids miss you a lot but are doing fine. They say "God Bless Daddy" in prayers every night and blow kisses to the Daddy posters in their rooms. Nobody is going to forget you, sweetheart. Six months isn't long enough for us to forget you.
Six years wouldn't be long enough for that.
30
How Will Santa Find Daddy?
December 15
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: Only 10 days till Christmas!
And we miss you so much! I'm glad we had a "pre-Christmas" with you at Thanksgiving before you left, but it's not the same, since you'll miss Santa Claus. It's Saturday and your son is now a Tiger Belt. He looks very cute in his tiger headband and special patch with the tiger on it. I keep having to tell him no Tae Kwan Do moves on Lauren, though.
We took P.J. to the groomer's, and now he is clean and smells like a cinnamon-stick dog. They put a festive Christmas scarf and ribbon on him. He seems very humiliated by the whole thing. "Just when I start to smell like a manly dog, they do this to me." I took pity on him, took the ribbon off, and gave him one of his Christmas bones early. He is snoring in front of the fireplace now, dreaming of the doggy equivalent of sugar plums, I guess.
We're leaving soon to pick Mom up at the airport. I hope you can call on Christmas Day.
December 21
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: Mommy guilt and Christmas
We went shopping today and my Mom bought too many presents for the kids. She's really into this whole Grandma thing—the kids are thrilled to have her here, of course. I must admit that I went a little overboard, myself, and the kids are going to be VERY lucky and happy little monsters on Christmas Day. I tried to make up for Daddy being gone with my credit card, I'm afraid. Not the wisest course of action, but I was thinking more with my heart today than with my head.
I told Connor that you and your crew flew a mission over the North Pole and saw Santa getting ready. (Be sure to back me up on that when you call.) He was VERY excited and has lots of questions for you about it.
By the way, thanks for the weight bench "you" got me for Christmas. I don't want you to faint or anything, but I put it together all by myself (well, Mom handed me parts) and it actually works. With no parts left over. Pretty amazing!
I will send you a list of what Santa brings the kids, if you promise not to go into some sort of cardiac arrest. They are both getting underwear and Lauren is getting a potty seat, which should please your practical, Grinchy little heart. She went potty on the potty chair at school yesterday!! We had a big celebration, and she told everyone at the grocery store that she poo-poo'd on the potty. The teenaged guy who bagged the groceries looked at her like she was weird, instead of saying something nice, and I said, "It wasn't too long ago that you were telling people the exact same thing, Junior."
Yes, I feel a hundred years old now, thank you very much.
(Can you believe it's a year and a half later, and I'm still e-mailing you halfway around the world about poop?)
December 23
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: So now I'm an elf.
I just finished a three-hour wrapping extravaganza, so I guess you can figure out that the kids are getting a little spoiled this Christmas.
We went to chur
ch tonight, and I took everyone to the movie earlier. Jimmy Neutron, boy genius. A theater full of happy, yelling little kids. My brain cells melted into my popcorn somewhere between Jimmy turning his toaster into a rocket ship and the evil giant space chicken trying to eat Jimmy's parents. (I was rooting for the space chicken.)
It's after midnight, and I'm too tired to write much, but just wanted you to know how much I love you. This is our first Christmas apart, and I miss you so much it hurts. I find myself crying at schmaltzy commercials on TV and Christmas carols on the radio. It's ridiculous and out of character for a tough trial lawyer like me.
If I hear "Blue Christmas" one more time, we're going to run out of tissues.
December 24
To: Alesia
From: Judd
Subject: Merry Christmas!!!
Merry Christmas Sweetheart!!
I wish I was there to celebrate with you!! You guys are already hip deep in it by now! (Or neck deep, from the sound of your e-mails.) I am getting ready to go flying for 12 hours. Tell Connor and Lauren that we will probably pass Santa and his sleigh.
I'm sure that you are taking plenty of pictures, and I hope that the kids enjoy all of their presents! I miss you all so much. Everyone here is fine, but missing home a little bit more today. We've been really busy the last few days, with not much time for anything else than eating and sleeping, in order to meet our required rest for flying.
Did you see the Lord of the Rings movie?? I'm terribly jealous! You know we are supposed to go to all the cool movies together! (I don't mind missing Jimmy Neutron and the Space Chicken.)
I love you VERY VERY VERY much. Please give the kids big Christmas hugs and kisses from Daddy, with some extra for Connor, because I know he misses me so much. I will try and call you as soon as I can, but it will be after Christmas your time. Have fun and take lots of pictures!
December 24
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: Sleds in the Desert and Other Tough Questions
OK, my brain hurts. I have been answering tough questions from your son all night long. Here is a sampling:
Q. Where's Daddy?
A. I don't know where he is right now, sweetie. Remember we looked at the globe and found all the countries where he might be?
Q. How will Santa find him?
A. Santa has GPS in his onboard sleigh computer.
Q. Oh. How will Santa's sleigh get around in the desert?
A. Well, the reindeer fly him to most places, and he has a team of backup camels.
Q. What are the camels' names?
A. I don't know all of them, but I'll bet Daddy can find out for us (beware, this will be coming up the next time you talk to him; I said I knew Omar, Abdul, and Fred were three of them).
Q. If it's a different day where Daddy is, does Santa really have to fly around for two whole days delivering presents? Doesn't he get tired? He looks kinda old.
A. Santa rests all year long so that he can make the big Christmas trip. Plus the elves make him lots of coffee for the trip. Also, he's magical, so he never gets really old.
Q. How does Rudolph's nose light up?
A. It's bedtime.
I thought they were never going to go to sleep; they were so excited! We had to leave out cookies and milk for Santa and a bowl of Cheerios plus a bowl of water for the reindeer. Plus a little wrapped bag of cookies for Mrs. Santa. (I drew the line at enough cookies for Santa to take home to all the elves; I said the elves were pretty tired of Christmas cookies by now and were all home resting, watching football, and eating nachos.)
We have been tracking where Santa is on the NORADSANTA.ORG website again. Connor was very excited to see Santa over the Himalayas. It is so cool! They show where Santa is, and some Air Force person gives a "briefing" on the progress. Connor loves it—he pointed out when Santa was close to Madagascar and Daddy. (I know you're not in Madagascar, but that's where lemurs come from, which Connor thinks is very cool.)
Earlier today, we all went out for a drive, since it was a beautiful sunny day. Then Connor and I went out to lunch at Denny's, while Grandma rested and Lauren napped. Connor ate a whole plateful of sprinkle pancakes and country potatoes and told me Denny's makes better potatoes than I do. I said Denny's just has a better advertising budget.
The kid doesn't get my jokes.
We talked about how much we miss you, and that Santa would definitely be able to find you, which led into the NORAD tracking project at home.
I'd better get to work—I have toys to put together and gifts to bring out of hiding before I get some sleep. I have a feeling I know two children who will be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow!! I miss you so much and will videotape everything so you can be part of Christmas when you finally get home. Merry Christmas, my love.
31
Fear, Danger, and Terrorism
January
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: I wish it were a happier New Year.
I read the L.A. Times article you sent me about the P-3 manhunt for Al Qaeda leaders. That was more information than you've been able to tell me in a month. Thanks. I forwarded it to our family and friends. I like the logo on your new flight suit patch: "9/11. Terror Cannot Hide. Tracking America's Most Wanted. Operation Enduring Freedom 2001. "
It also explains why you're always so tired. Tracking ships for Al Qaeda leaders on the Arabian Sea, one of the most heavily traveled merchant marine lanes in the world, must be a daunting task.
Nobody realizes that the P-3 Orion is one of the oldest planes in the U.S. military. It was funny that they singled out crew members who were younger than the plane to interview. I know some of your planes were built in the '70s. When I hear people complaining about their taxes going for the military budget, I want to scream. The truth is, we need every penny of those budget dollars to meet operational readiness demands. The truth is, if this country wants to have a military ready to go where it's needed, when it's needed, we have to pay the price. The thought that you might survive missions over Afghanistan and shoulder-fired missiles, but go down due to a broken part on an ancient plane, has crossed my mind a time or two.
I know, I know. You're safe, the planes are fine. The maintenance crew is amazing. But anytime I'm awake at 4 a.m., these are on the list of things I worry about.
To: Alesia
From: Judd
Subject: I'm safe. The planes are fine. Stop worrying.
We are very busy. We had a good flight today. I can't tell you more, but we were all pretty happy. Things are running pretty smoothly, considering everything going on simultaneously.
I know you're worried, but we're doing our job. We trained for this, and we know what we're doing. The planes are in great shape and we're safe. Quit worrying. I love you.
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: I never worry.
We have very high security at the base. There is a checkpoint to pass with armed guards checking military IDs to get to the commissary. September 11th is still in the forefront of all of our minds; I doubt it will ever fade. The shock and anguish of that day resonated in everyone's hearts.
It has been a pretty subdued New Year's celebration. I think everyone is afraid to wonder what horrors 2002 might bring. We know that Al Qaeda and other terrorist groups have cells in so many different places; lunatics drunk with the grim results of their hideous plotting. Everyone is afraid of what might be next. I admit I was worried that New Year's Eve celebrations would be a big target, especially in DC and New York. I know that there had to be major security and military readiness everyplace like that. But how can you defend against a lone zealot determined to kill people even if—maybe even especially if—he has to die to do it?
The 2001 end-of-year holidays muddled by in schizophrenic fashion. Partly joyous at having reason to celebrate after months of anguish. Partly guilty at celebrating, when so many were facing the holidays with an empty place setting at t
he table, an empty stocking at the chimney, an empty place in their hearts. Partly terrified that death would strike again, in the guise of new attacks by bomb, airplane, or biological warfare.
It was not a holiday season I wanted to spend away from my husband.
But the reason he was gone was strong enough to carry me through the loneliness and worry. Our armed forces who were first to respond to the evil of September 11 were all gone for the holidays. Some on ships that stayed out past the time slated for their return. Some flying missions over and around Afghanistan, like Judd. Some on the ground, searching out the enemy to make sure they couldn't strike again. Here, at home, all military families waited and prayed.
Like I said, it was not a holiday we wanted to spend apart from our spouses. But we were proud of them for serving our country. Standing the line. Protecting the United States. And we prayed that 2002 would bring hope for the future to all of us, so freshly risen from despair.
32
On Patriotism
January
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: Displaying the flag is cool again.
The questions have stopped.
You remember, the ones I always grumbled to you about?
"Your husband has an engineering degree from Ohio State, why is he wasting his time in the military?"
"Why do you put up with that lifestyle?"
"Couldn't he make a lot more money in the civilian world?"
"Isn't moving around so much too hard on your career? Why don't you just stay in one place and he can come visit, if he wants to be in the Navy?"