by Alyssa Day
I think I'm going to visit my family next month. Only two more months to go—the paper chain is getting a lot smaller!
Looking back at the second deployment, it is almost hard to remember that there were ordinary days. Simple, mundane sorts of days where nobody was sick, nobody was in the emergency room, and it wasn't ThreatCon Delta.
But there were, of course. The ordinary days gave us a respite from the intensity of the rest of it—time to relax and be sane and recharge our batteries.
Boy, did I need them.
The problem with days when I slept more than three hours out of twenty-four, however, is that they gave me time to dream up new ways to torture myself.
Naturally, I decided to write a book.
47
Flag Waving, Writing, and Other Skills
April
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: I've decided to write a book.
A book about military spouses. I want to call it E-MAIL TO THE FRONT, and use some of our e-mails to describe how crazy this life can be. I want to explain to everyone what it's like to be a military spouse, how we cope, and why we do it. I found a file with all of the e-mails we sent back and forth during your first deployment, and I've been saving the e-mails from this one, too.
I told my friend Pam about the idea over an enormous lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Pam was so excited she called her agent right then and there to pitch the book to her! Her agent liked the idea and said to send a proposal.
The problem, of course, is that I've never written a book proposal in my life. So I bought a bunch of books on the subject (what else? This is why our household goods weighed over 10,000 pounds; if it weren't for books, it would have been 392 pounds plus the couch) and started writing this weekend. I blasted out a first draft of about five of the chapters.
It was an unmitigated pile of buffalo dung.
Here's the deal: I want everybody to like me, kind of like Sally Field at the Oscars. So I started "cleaning up" my e-mails. First, I took out all the bad words. Erma Bombeck would never say words like that. Then, I took out all the parts where I sounded lonely, afraid, anguished, or angry. People need to believe I'm strong and tough, right?
Next, I removed anything that sounded like a criticism of deployment or the Navy. This isn't the time to write that six-month deployments seem a bit unreasonable. I need to be supportive of everything the military does. I'm proud of you and the military and our country; why write anything that detracts from that pride? So I put more flag-waving and red-white-and-blue patriotism in the pages.
Finally, I took out anything that had the remote possibility of being embarrassing to anybody in our family, or to our kids when they learn to read. (I don't want to write a book that adds to the list of what they have to tell the psychiatrist, right?)
After all that cleaning, pressing, spindling, and lemon-scenting, my book had all the appeal of overcooked broccoli. There was nothing left. No honesty, no emotion, no brutal truths. No reason why anyone would read it, let alone laugh, cry, or gain any understanding of the lives of military families.
So (and I guess this finally makes me a real writer), I threw it out. All my self-proclaimed pearls of prose, snappy one-liners, and witty exposition. Then I started over. I wrote essays and started pulling the words up from my gut, by way of my heart. I found myself laughing sometimes and crying sometimes, just from typing words on the pages. From rereading e-mails that had seemed desperately serious at the time (remember the lawn mower fiasco? I may never live that down), and from rereading e-mails that still cause my breath to hurt, as I force it out of my lungs (the week the USS Cole was bombed; the day I thought your plane went down).
What I'm asking you, I guess, is for your permission to share our stories and our lives with total strangers. It's a lot to ask, I know. But I want to help other military spouses know they're not alone. I want to share the lives of military families with those who aren't part of one. It's a story the country needs to hear. Maybe especially now.
This feels important to me. It feels like something that matters. Please let me know if you agree. I love you.
To: Alesia
From: Judd
Subject: Re: book
Sounds like a great idea. You're a wonderful writer, and I know it will be terrific. Just keep out all the mushy stuff I wrote.
p.s. When you're a rich writer, I get a classic Mustang.
48
Family, Friends, and Other Lifelines
May
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: My family puts the "fun" back in dysfunctional.
Here we are at last, after two days of travel, finally back in Barnesville for our family visit. We got in about an hour ago.
I'm ready to go home. Now.
The kids are bouncing off the walls with energy. It's driving Mom insane. They've been cooped up in airplanes and cars for two days and want to run around. She's following behind them, picking up each toy as they set it down. It's like some bizarre circus parade, only louder.
I think Mom's ready for us to leave, too. Now.
p.s. Connor is not a fan of "classic" TV. He was watching Perry Mason with Mom, and he said, "You know, Grandma, the shows I watch have color."
To: Alesia
From: Judd
Subject: I’m glad you’re home.
It makes me worry about all of you less, knowing you're having a nice visit with your Mom. Say hi to your brothers for me. I know the kids will love having all the Grandmas and relatives to spoil them. Did you see Mary in Columbus?
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: I'm actually delighted to be here for a while.
Even though my family drives me at least as nuts as I probably drive them, it's great to be home for a bit. It will help pass the time in the final month's countdown to your return, because it will only be a few short weeks to homecoming by the time we get back to Seattle. And it's terrific to spend time with my Mom, brothers, and Grandma.
I did see Mary; we spent the night at her place in Columbus before driving out here the next morning. (She says hi.) She's doing really well, and she looked terrific! We took the kids out for mall food for dinner, and let them run around the play area like maniacs and burn off energy from being stuck in the car and planes all day. Mary looked at me at some point during the evening and said, "I admire you for this. It looks really hard, and I don't think I could do it."
I almost burst into tears.
Nobody has ever said that to me — that they admire me for surviving this. I think nobody realizes how tough it is. Compensating for Daddy being gone. Trying to stay afloat at work as a single parent. The constant worry about where you are, how you are, and who might be shooting at you.
I needed to hear it. And I'm not surprised that one of my best friends is the one to have said it. Being apart from you during these two deployments has made me realize how precious friendships are. I know I've told you before how much it hurts to lose a friend. I've been lucky this deployment to have made some great new ones. Family and friends are definitely on my list of blessings.
We'd never make it through deployment without family and friends. My brother, Jerry, always seemed to know exactly when I'd reached the end of my rope, and he'd call from Ohio to listen to me vent or make me laugh. We laughed like fools over Mom and the Great Shopping Cart Rescue Mission, the idea of Velcro playrooms with matching suits for our kids (Time Out takes on a whole new meaning when you can stick them to the wall), and the time the examiner came to question me in relation to Judd's security clearance. The examiner asked me if anybody in my family were involved with any people from hostile foreign nations. I said, "Sir, to my family, West Virginia is a hostile foreign nation."
OK, you probably have to be in my family to get that. It's one of those inside jokes that warm you with a feeling of belonging. Like how you know that these people have seen you at your worst—bad temper, neurot
ic anxieties, and all—and they still love you. That's my definition of family: the ones who love you when you're down and are delighted for you when you're up. The ones you can always go home to, if even for a short while, and know exactly your place in the pattern.
Lots of families have that special closeness. Even when they're scattered throughout different states. I know many spouses actually pack up and go live with their parents during deployment. If they're not working, it makes sense. Three or six months that they can spend with family, letting children really get to know their grandparents. Turning a challenge into an opportunity.
Neighbors can also be a great source of strength. Mine let me bring one child over in the middle of the night so I could take the other to the ER. Lori also listened to my worries and reassured me that I'm not the only parent who ever fantasized about going to the movies one night and not coming home for a month. Or at least until the whiny phase was over.
Military friends understand the difficulties we're facing. Civilian friends offer a haven from having to focus on difficulties so much. My writing friends supported me in my quest to write this book, even when it meant giving up sleep for months.
Each friendship is cherished and becomes part of the network of support we weave around ourselves when our spouses are gone. A few threads at first. We meet a new friend, or feel a special connection to a colleague. She's also a working parent, maybe. Then the fabric strengthens. We find a wonderful baby-sitter; we form relationships through church.
Friends and family are always so high on my list of blessings. Thank you to all of you.
49
Our Daughter the Bag Lady
May
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: The amazing two-year-old bag lady
I blame Disney for this. Do you remember the pink princess dress I bought Lauren at the Disney store? Sequins and tulle? She has worn it until it's shredded, but still insists on wearing it to school two or three times a week.
I decided way back when Connor was two that letting the kids pick out their own clothes was a good way to let them have control and make choices for themselves. So now I am basically stuck looking like Loser Parent of the Year when we show up at daycare with Lauren wearing this raggedy dress every other day.
Of course, it was a cold winter here, so she had to wear it over her sweatpants and long-sleeved shirt, to be warm enough. She was America's youngest bag lady. The funniest part is that she has that tiny plastic shopping cart she likes to push her dolls around in, so the effect is complete.
Oh, well. As long as you still feel great wearing a princess dress in public, you should do it, right? (And I pretend it's in the laundry. A lot.)
To: Alesia
From: Judd
Subject: Remember, you're the parent.
You should make her wear what you want her to wear. She's old enough to learn about appropriate clothing choices.
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: Riiiiight. Fashion tips from Flannel Man.
The day your closet is not filled with varying colors of PLAID, let's talk.
To: Judd
From: Alesia
Subject: Your daughter shows her underwear way too much.
OK, here's an actual note from Lauren's teachers:
"To the parents of Lauren:
If you put Lauren in a dress, please put shorts on underneath. She shows her underwear way too much.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Thanks. Orange Room Teachers"
(All I can say is, at least she's not in high school.)
When I got done laughing, I tracked down her teachers to get the scoop. I was relieved to hear that Lauren is not doing some kind of baby striptease. She's just like any normal kid that age. She pulls her dress up to wipe juice off her mouth at snack time, or to wipe paint off her hands after Art Projects. The problem is the boys (it figures!) who start saying "I saw Lauren's underwear." It's distracting to the class, so now she has to wear pants under all her dresses.
It's not really helping us get past the bag lady image.
50
Dear Military Spouse: Official Appreciation
Every May is National Military Appreciation Month. During that month, one day is set aside as National Military Spouse Appreciation Day. The squadron CO usually takes the time to write a letter to the spouses. Although addressed to "Dear Spouse" instead of personalized, the sentiments the different skippers expressed in the letters were very personal, and I appreciated each of them. With permission of the writers, I'm sharing a few of them here.
12 May 2000
Commanding Officer, Patrol Squadron Forty
Dear Fighting Marlin Spouse,
The Secretary of Defense has declared today as "Military Spouse Appreciation Day." I would like to take a moment to express my sincere appreciation for all of your support. It is a well-known, though rarely expressed, fact that you are an essential part of the Fighting Marlin team. Without your support and commitment, the squadron would be unable to perform as effectively as it does. Your ability to endure the family separations and long working hours required by the Navy enables your spouse to focus on mission-essential tasks and accomplish them to the best of his or her ability.
As the squadron prepared for the upcoming deployment, the work load and stress level increased tremendously. Yet you remained a steadfast supporter of your spouse and the squadron. I also recognize that in the coming months you will make sacrifices that few would ever dare to make.
Although you may be unaware of it, the sacrifices that you make enable the Navy to make a real and significant impact on the rest of the world. It is not uncommon for the work that is done by deployed P-3 squadrons to positively affect the outcome of worldwide events (recent examples include the Persian Gulf War and the Kosovo conflict). Again, your support makes it possible for your spouse to fulfill his or her responsibilities during these extremely important missions nearly every day.
Your dedication and support enabled the Fighting Marlins to achieve unprecedented success during the past year. We won the 7th Fleet Surface Warfare Excellence Award. Our Aviation Maintenance Inspection was one of the best ever conducted by the extremely meticulous inspection team. We had a superb Conventional Weapons Training Program inspection, and a near flawless NATOPS Unit evaluation. Our squadron won the coveted Battle Efficiency Award 1999. Quite simply, we are the best at what we do and we owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to the countless things you do every day to make it possible for us to perform our vital duties.
I wrote this letter to ensure that you know that your efforts and sacrifices are truly appreciated. Your support during the home-cycle and the positive effect that it had on the squadron could never be measured. On behalf of the men and women of VP-40, thank you!
Sincerely, Bernie Ryan
May 8, 2002 (posted on the Department of Defense website)
Military Spouse Appreciation Day and National Military Appreciation Month Message From the Chairman
In tribute to the great men and women who have served their country in uniform, May marks National Military Appreciation Month. We are very grateful to our soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines and Coast Guardsmen for their commitment to preserving freedom and democracy in our Nation and throughout the world.
This year we celebrate Military Spouse Appreciation Day on May 10. As we salute service members past and present, it is only fitting to recognize those who support them and help make their service possible.
Across the country, loved ones have been separated as service members have been mobilized or deployed in support of the global War on Terrorism. This is a pivotal time in the history of our country and we draw strength by remembering that what is at stake in this conflict makes these sacrifices necessary Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families that have lost a loved one who gave that last full measure of devotion to their country during this war.
The Joint Chiefs of S
taff and I join all Americans in paying tribute to the veterans and current members of our Armed Forces— American heroes past and present—for all they have done and all they continue to do in patriotic service to our country. We also salute our military spouses for their vital, continuing support to our men and women in uniform.
Gen. Richard B. Myers, USAF
11 May 2002
Commanding Officer, Patrol Squadron Forty
Dear Military Spouse,
Since 1984, the Armed Forces of our country have set aside a special day to recognize the countless contributions of Military Spouses. This year, May 11 is designated as Military Spouse Day.
As Military Spouses, you are often called upon to make innumerable sacrifices as you face the unique challenges of military life. You must cope with deployments, family separations, and frequent moves, all of which require special skills and commitment.
Throughout our Nations history, Military Spouses have not only met these challenges, but their energy and dedication has helped our Armed Services to thrive. You join a long line of dedicated and loving partners that have enabled military members to serve the United States with honor and courage. Your selfless contributions play a vital role in the stability of our service members, our communities, and our country.