Write Your Own Script

by A. L. Brooks

“I hardly think you could ever be a has-been,” Lesley said, a wistful look in her eyes. “Look what you’ve achieved. Look at the never-ending accolades you receive both here and in the US.” There was an edge to her tone, warning Tamsyn that, deep down, Lesley did resent her success.

  “Yes, well. Enough of that,” Tamsyn said brightly, trying to steer them onto a different course. “How’s things with Georgie?”

  As Tamsyn had anticipated, mention of Lesley’s wife made her eyes soften and her smile reappear. “Oh, still in that blissful post-wedding state that we hope never comes to an end.”

  “Good for you!” They had married a year ago. Tamsyn hadn’t gone, claiming a work conflict when actually, to her inner shame, she was scared to be seen at something so overtly gay as a same-sex wedding. She’d regretted it on the morning of their big day, but by then it had been too late to make the journey to Georgie’s native New York from Berlin, where Tamsyn had been filming, albeit on a short break in between the days that needed her attendance. She’d spent the day locked away in her hotel room in a melancholy state. It was the first time she’d started to question just what her life was all about.

  “And how about you?” Lesley peered at her over the rim of her glass. “Any joy for you on the romance front?”

  Shit, I should have realised that’s where she’d head next. Do I tell her?

  The answer came surprisingly quickly: yes. She was so tired of keeping everything a secret from everyone. And if Carmen knew about Maggie, then Lesley had every right to, too.

  “Well,” she said, slowly drawing out the word, “there might be.”

  Lesley sat up and leaned forward, her eyes bright. “Oh? Do tell!”

  And so she did. Over the rest of their drinks, on through dinner—which turned out surprisingly tasty—and beyond into coffee on the big couch in the living room.

  “She sounds amazing, Tamsyn! I’m so happy for you.” Lesley pulled her into a quick hug. “But, now you’re waiting to see if she’ll ever call? Oh my God, I don’t think I could bear the suspense!”

  Tamsyn chuckled but it lacked mirth. “I know. It’s awful, I can’t lie.” She shook her head. “I finally seem to have found someone who can take my heart and I don’t know if she’s willing to take a chance on me.”

  “Well,” Lesley said quickly, “you could make that an awful lot easier on yourself if you came out. Hiding her from the world won’t make her feel very special, will it?”

  Sometimes Lesley could be blunt to the point of trauma.

  “I am well aware of that,” Tamsyn said icily, her hackles rising. She’d thought that after all these years, Lesley would have realised this was no easy matter for her.

  “Honestly, Tam.” Lesley shook her head, her mouth pinching into a tight line. “Even after all this time, you are still hanging on to the back of that large closet you’ve been hiding in? Aren’t you tired of it?” Before Tamsyn could answer, Lesley ploughed on. “And just think what you could do for the community if someone as stellar as you came out! You’d have so much support. So much love!”

  “So much unemployment?” Tamsyn bit back, shifting in her seat, instinctively putting space between them.

  Lesley scoffed. “Really, I find it hard to believe, given your stature, that anyone would give two hoots about your sexuality.”

  “If no one gives two hoots, why should I risk it all and make a big public declaration?”

  “Because of the message it would send!” Lesley huffed out an extended breath. “Honestly, it’s bad enough when these high up politicians hide behind a straight veneer, but closeted movie stars and pop stars are almost as bad.” There was a venom in her voice that had Tamsyn reeling as if she’d been struck.

  “That’s what you really think of me?” she asked in a smaller voice than she would have liked.

  Lesley sighed, her gaze somewhere on her own knees. “Honestly? Sometimes, yes.” She took a moment to meet Tamsyn’s eyes, and they shared a look that told Tamsyn their friendship had been affected by this issue all along, and more deeply than she’d realised.

  “What about me in all of this?” Tamsyn asked quietly. “What about my feelings, my privacy, my life? Does that not count in the scheme for the greater good? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, is that it? It’s okay for everyone to know everything about who I’m sleeping with, or spending time with, even though that means I probably can’t actually spend time with them because of the damn media constantly in our faces, but that’s okay if it’s ‘for the community’?”

  “Yes, actually! Because you coming out might just make the difference to that one teenager, feeling terribly alone in their bedroom late one night, wondering if it’s okay to be gay. Because seeing you plastered all over the press, being happy being gay, could just make the difference between them being happy with life or on the edge of suicide!” Lesley’s words were more impassioned than they’d ever been, and her hands were clenched into tight fists on her lap.

  Tamsyn didn’t know what to say. Yes, a lot of what she said struck a chord, but Tamsyn had never felt the need to be a trailblazer for any cause. Hell, she was only just coming to terms with what it might mean to be in a real relationship for the first time in her life—the last thing she wanted was to put that under the microscope of the vicious outside world before she’d become comfortable with it herself.

  “I’m sorry,” Lesley said quietly, staring at Tamsyn. “I’m not singling you out, but it has been hard to watch you all these years, presenting one thing to the world when I knew something different. It’s hit a sore spot, with some other things that are in the works right now.”

  “What things?”

  Lesley waved a hand. “I can’t really say. Nothing for you to worry about.”

  She sounded suspiciously vague, but it was obvious she wasn’t going to elaborate.

  Tamsyn inhaled deeply. “Here’s the thing, Lesley. This thing with Maggie, it could be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Don’t you think I deserve to see what it might be before I risk it all in front of the world? I do get where you’re coming from, really I do. But if I’m going to come out, I want to do it when I’m ready, and on my terms. I don’t need anyone, even you, telling me I should do it before then, or, God forbid, someone finding out about Maggie and I and spilling it all to the press.”

  Lesley startled. “I wouldn’t leak it. I may feel very strongly about this subject, but you are still my friend and I don’t do that to friends.” Her tone was stiff, as was her posture.

  Tamsyn reached out and touched her forearm. “I wasn’t suggesting you would.” Or was I? Is that what I’m really scared of? Do I trust her?

  An uneasy silence fell between them. Tamsyn couldn’t believe how the evening had derailed—she’d actually been rather excited to tell Lesley all about Maggie, but now the telling had left a sourness that would take some time to dissipate.

  “Well,” Lesley said after a moment. “Perhaps I’d better get home. Georgie wants to plan our next holiday. God help me, there’ll be brochures spread all over the kitchen table by now and the credit card is about to take a fair beating.”

  Tamsyn appreciated Lesley’s attempt to lighten the atmosphere, and smiled in return. “Oh, come on, she deserves it, doesn’t she?”

  Lesley’s eyes took on that dreamy look again. “Yes, she really does.”

  Their hug at the door wasn’t as close as usual, but Lesley gave her a quick squeeze before letting go and sighing.

  “I am very happy for you about Maggie. I really hope she calls. Please do let me know how it goes, won’t you?”

  “I will. And Lesley, I know things were tough in there tonight,” she gestured back towards the living room, “but this doesn’t change us, okay?”

  “God no! Of course not. Made of stronger stuff than that, you and me,” Lesley said with a lopsided grin, and depa
rted.

  Tamsyn locked the door behind her and returned to the living room. She slumped on the couch and switched on the TV, desperately searching for anything that would take her mind off what a car crash of an evening that had turned out to be.

  Chapter 21

  “Oooh, give me that,” Ruth said, reaching for the full glass of wine Maggie had just poured. She gulped down a long mouthful, smacked her lips, and flopped back into the sofa. “Much better.”

  “Anyone would think you didn’t love your children,” Maggie said, grinning.

  “You know, sometimes I really don’t,” Ruth deadpanned.

  Gizmo trotted into the room and made a beeline for Ruth, laying down across her feet and wriggling until he was comfortable.

  Ruth chuckled. “Knows what he wants, doesn’t he?”

  “Always. I’m so envious of him and his life.” Maggie hadn’t meant to sound so wistful, but her sister caught the tone immediately.

  “So? What’s going on?”

  Maggie stalled by chomping on a salted almond from the selection of snacks she’d laid out on the coffee table between them, until Ruth’s glare made her swallow hard and clear her throat.

  “So, remember I told you about the woman I had the fling with back in April?”

  “The mysterious uber-famous one in the closet?”

  Maggie laughed. “Yes, that’s the one.” She shook her head. “Well, she made contact with me.”

  Ruth’s eyes went wide. “How? When?”

  “Through my publisher. She set up a meeting with a film company to ostensibly talk about dramatising one of the Jessica Stewart books, but actually it was all a smoke screen for her to meet with me.”

  “Wow! She must like you a lot.”

  “You think?”

  “Oh, come on! It’s so romantic! And think how much work that must have taken. A-plus for effort, I say.” Ruth stared at her. “Wait, so you’ve already met with her?”

  Maggie nodded. “Two days ago.”

  Ruth’s frown was deeply etched into her forehead. “So why the hell are you here with me at home when you should be with her?”

  “See, therein lies the problem.” Maggie shuffled in her seat and tried to relax. “She told me she hadn’t stopped thinking about me—that she wanted to see me again, to see what we could have together.”

  “And? So far I’m not hearing anything that would mean you wouldn’t have leaped into her arms in an instant.”

  Maggie sighed. “She made such a big point of being in the closet when we were together back in April. I can’t be someone’s secret bit on the side, Ruth. That’s not me at all.” Ruth nodded. “I mean, I’m not all rainbow T-shirts and going topless at Pride, but I am out. To my family, to my friends, hell, even to my neighbours. How can I truly be with T—her, when we wouldn’t be able to just go out for a coffee together, or her come to my place without having to be in disguise, or whatever?”

  “Okay, fair point. But what did she say about that, about the closeted thing, when you saw her?”

  “Well, nothing, that’s the problem.”

  “And you didn’t ask?”

  “I was in shock!” Maggie snapped. “Tamsyn bloody Harris had just told me she missed me and—” Horror coursed through her as she realised what she’d said, and Ruth’s spluttering only made it worse.

  “Tamsyn Harris?” Ruth whispered, her hand on her chest. “Tamsyn Harris?”

  “Shit, I wasn’t going to tell you that bit yet. Not until I figured out what—”

  “You’re actively considering turning down a relationship with Tamsyn bloody Harris?” Ruth was almost shouting.

  “I don’t care how famous she is—I won’t be her dirty little secret. I won’t do that for anyone.” Maggie’s body was hot with her anger. “I know I’m nobody in comparison to her, but I still have pride in myself, you know.”

  Ruth swallowed, and reached out to touch Maggie’s arm. “You’re right. God, I’m sorry. I was just thrown by the fact that it’s her. Your big crush and one of the biggest stars we Brits have produced in ages. I got a bit star-struck. Sorry.” She squeezed Maggie’s arm. “And trust me, you’re not nobody. You’re Jessica bloody Stewart. And Maddie bloody Jones. I looked you up—you’re consistently one of the top sellers in lesbian fiction, and the reviews of your books there are incredible. You are not nobody, Maggie.”

  Maggie’s eyes filled with tears. “Thank you,” she squeaked.

  Ruth squeezed her arm once more then reached for her wine, taking a couple of slow sips before turning back to face Maggie.

  “Okay, so is the closeted thing the only thing stopping you? I mean, we all know she’s gorgeous but is she a nice person too?”

  “She’s wonderful,” Maggie said, blushing. “Without all that glamorous stuff, she’s really down to earth, very funny, smart, and when she lets herself, she’s got a big heart. She’s just got so used to keeping it locked tight it takes her a while to shake off the whole famous person outer shell for someone to see what’s underneath.”

  “So, if we forget that she’s famous and all that, she’s a woman you could see yourself being with? Someone you’d curl up with on a Sunday afternoon on the sofa with a cup of tea and a DVD?”

  The image that presented to Maggie spread warmth all the way through her body. “Definitely.”

  “And how did this one take to her?” Ruth pointed at the still-sleeping Gizmo. “Because we know what a good judge of character he is, after all. Remember how he pretty much chased off that woman who tried to hit on you that time in the brasserie?”

  Maggie laughed. “I do remember that. And yes, he loved Tamsyn. And she professed to hating dogs, but within a couple of days he’d totally won her over. She was giving him belly rubs and everything.”

  “Always was a charmer, this one.” Ruth leaned down to scratch the top of Gizmo’s head; he twitched but didn’t wake. “Well,” she said, straightening up, “it sounds like you have just one question to ask her. I admit, it’s a pretty big one, but until you get the answer to that, you’re never going to know what could happen, are you?”

  “I know.” Maggie smiled, feeling calmer than she had done for the last forty-eight hours. “You see, I just needed someone to talk me down from the state of panic I’d got myself into.”

  “Always happy to help, you know that. Especially if there’s wine.” Ruth reached for the bottle and topped up their glasses.

  She stayed for another hour or so, and they chatted about everything except Tamsyn. Maggie could tell her sister was bursting with questions about the actress and the time Maggie had spent with her, but she was grateful Ruth kept them to herself.

  “So, are you going to call her?” Ruth pushed her arms into her coat and buttoned it up tight.

  Maggie exhaled slowly. “Probably.”

  “When?” Ruth’s gaze was intense.

  “Jesus, pressure much? Okay, now. If I don’t do it soon, I guess I’ll chicken out.”

  Ruth tilted her head as she stared at Maggie. “You won’t do that. You’d torture yourself with the ‘what ifs’ if you did that. But yes, call her tonight. Invite her over here to talk sometime—you’ll feel more comfortable doing it under your terms in your house.”

  “That’s a good idea.” Maggie pulled her sister into a hug. “Thank you. For everything.”

  Ruth looked embarrassed at the overt affection; they were not normally huggers. “You’re welcome. I just hope you get the answer you’re looking for because I can see you really do feel something for her beyond hero worship.”

  “I really do.”

  “But, look out for number one, okay?” Ruth prodded Maggie in the arm. “You definitely don’t deserve to be someone’s secret, hidden away from the world. If she can’t move beyond that, you walk away, you hear?”

  Maggie nodded, then said, loudly
, “Yes!” when Ruth scowled at her.

  “Good,” Ruth replied with a nod, then stepped through the doorway and waved as she headed down the short path to the street.

  Gizmo’s claws tapped on the wooden floor of the hallway behind her, and she turned to face him.

  “Right, boy,” she said, after sucking in and exhaling a deep breath. “It’s time to do this. Stick with me, I may need your support.”

  He cocked his head, gave one short, sharp bark, then trotted off to the kitchen. Laughing and shaking her head, Maggie followed him. After she’d collected the receipt with Tamsyn’s number on it, she walked back to the living room, her knees trembling and her stomach churning. If Tamsyn couldn’t make the commitment Maggie needed, this call would all be for nothing and she would be left nursing a wounded heart.

  She made herself comfy on the sofa, and Gizmo waited until she was settled before jumping up beside her and snuggling down along the length of her thigh.

  Maggie whispered, “You’re a mind reader, Giz.”

  She planted a quick kiss on the top of his head, then closed her eyes for a moment before picking up her phone. It took three attempts to tap in the number, as her trembling forefinger kept missing the correct digits on the tiny keypad. Why did they make the damn things so small anyway?

  Eventually she got it, and hesitated only a moment before pressing the icon to dial. With the phone against her ear, she tried to breathe evenly as the call connected, and then rang.

  “Hello?” Tamsyn sounded tentative.

  “Hi,” Maggie croaked, then cleared her throat before saying in a much clearer voice, “It’s Maggie.”

  Tamsyn exhaled. “Maggie.” It was only one word, but it carried a weight far beyond its six letters. “I’m so happy to hear from you.”

  “I… That’s good to know.” Maggie swallowed. “So, um, I was wondering if we could maybe meet up sometime. I have questions, things I need to know before… Well, before anything more happens.”

  “I understand.” Tamsyn’s voice was like soft velvet in her ear. “When are you free? I’m not required on set until after Christmas, so for the next few days, I can make myself available any time that suits you.”