Vampires Need Not...Apply?

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  “He seems to think it does,” she replied.

  “Perhaps he’s been misled by a certain… demon?” the demon snickered.

  Oh no.

  “I do, however”—hack, hack—“believe the transfer may take a little extra help this time,” he added.

  “Help? What, like a shoehorn or something?” She needed him to talk, to share his plan so she could effectively divert.

  He lifted his gaunt hand off the bed and wagged his scraggly finger. “Uh-uh. I’m not telling. You’ll simply have to wait and see.”

  “Don’t you trust me, Francisco? After all I suffered because of you? Don’t you know how many years I wanted to crawl into a hole and die because I missed you?” And now I want to do the same, but because you’re alive.

  The demon’s thin lips formed a hard line. “You do not want to help my son?”

  “If you know anything about me, then you know I can’t stand vampires. I find them repugnant—I even started a list: They hate sunshine. They drink blood. Oh, I especially can’t stand how disloyal they are. For example, your son has figured out how to open the portal, and he thinks I’m here luring you to go to him so he can throw you in. He’d never do such a thing if he weren’t a leechy monster.”

  He studied her. “And you are telling me this because?”

  She shrugged. “I’m a goddess who despises weakness, which is why I think your son is a vile bag of useless vampire giblets. You should be ashamed to be related.”

  He nodded his head slowly. “Yes. He is a disgrace to my bloodline—so much…kindness and loyalty—but I still plan to take his body.” The demon licked his sticky, putrid lips. “I can’t wait to have you in my bed.”

  Do not vomit. Whatever you do, do not vomit. “That’s the problem. You won’t have me. Do you honestly think I’d let a vampire touch me, even if he had you inside him? Haven’t you learned anything spying on me all these years?”

  There was a long pause. Clearly the demon hadn’t thought his plan through. “What are you proposing?”

  That you buy this giant, stinky bridge made of pure bull crap I’m about to sell you? “Haven’t you asked yourself why I can touch him? It’s obviously because your genes have evolved—must be whatever dark magic you used to create your little mini-Franciscos. I touched your other son, too,” she lied. “No problem. I bet if I touched you, it would be the same.”

  The demon blinked. She did not. Not that he could see her, but not blinking was the key to rock solid bluff. “Watch…”

  He jerked away, but there was only so far he could go considering his limited mobility.

  Ixtab willed her cells to open to his darkness and take his energy in so he’d believe the lie. Please work, please work, please… Teen uk’al k’iinam. Teen uk’al yah.

  The most vile, horrid, sticky energy poured into her. And though it was only for a brief instant, she had to keep herself from falling over and retching violently on the floor. Only the thought of Antonio’s happiness kept her strong.

  “Ha! See!” She forced the cheeriness into her voice.

  The demon looked confused for several moments, and then a crescent moon grin stretched across his face.

  Oh, boy. And to think, all those crusty, yellow teeth could be mine.

  “This is truly wonderful. How?” he asked.

  “Must be fate. Or you simply rock. Or perhaps both.” It had always amazed Ixtab how, despite being the masters of deception, demons were among the easiest species to manipulate. Their arrogance made them all too willing to believe any lie related to their awesomeness.

  Demons. So lame…

  Ixtab stood and dusted off her hands. “So, let’s get rid of Antonio before he causes us any problems.” Please buy my bridge. Please buy my bridge…

  “I do not fear him.”

  “You should, big boy. He’s immortal, smart, and he’s hell-bent on getting his revenge. We need to get rid of him. Please? I couldn’t be happy knowing his deception has gone unpunished.”

  The demon reached for her hand—shit! Teen uk’al k’iinam. Teen uk’al yah—and kissed it. Like poison from a venomous snake, his vile energy slithered its way up her arm. She wanted to remove her own hand with a cleaver.

  “What do you want me to do, my love?” he said, stroking her wrist with his slimy fingertips.

  Keep contents of stomach inside. Keep contents…

  “He’s waiting for you now,” she advised. “We go downstairs, and when he opens the portal, I will push him in.”

  “You are so wonderfully evil, just like your sister, Cimil.”

  Gods. She still couldn’t believe Cimil had been helping this vile creature. There had to be an explanation.

  Well, that little gherkin has to wait for another party.

  “If only Cimil were here now; she’d be so proud…” Ixtab sighed for effect.

  “Then you are in luck, my sweet Goddess of Suicide…”

  Happiness, asshole. Goddess of Happiness.

  “Your sister is not far,” he said, “and with her she brings her delightful friends.”

  “Cimil? She’s coming here?” Ixtab tried to quell the parade of panic marching with drums and tambourines, refusing to be ignored.

  “Why, yes. I told you I anticipated moving into a vampire’s body might be a bit tricky, so I asked for her help.”

  Oh, crap. Cimil would see right through her. Ixtab had to hurry. “Funtastic! I’ve been dying to see her.”

  “And the Maaskab are already here,” the demon added.

  “Here?” Oh, gods, no…

  “Yes. They came to assist with the transfer, too, since this is their magic. They are staying in the guest villa. Should be quite the party tonight.”

  Maaskab? The fucking Maaskab are here? Here? Hate you, dramawhore! Hate you!

  “Oh, honey. That’s great!” She clapped with nauseating enthusiasm. “I think the Maaskab are so misunderstood. Why can’t the other gods let them do their thing? I mean, really… the world would be such a boring place without evil.”

  Oh. My. Gods. No wonder she’d felt so much darkness when she’d arrived. It had overpowered her from a half mile away. Breathe, goddess, breathe. You can do this…

  “My sentiments exactly. I have a brilliant idea.” Hack, hack. “You could have sex with me after we deal with Antonio. I am sure my heart will give out, and then I can be inside Franco’s body for our second round.” He licked his scaly lips, which donned the color of a rotting corpse.

  Oh yes! Just what I’ve always wanted: sex with Gollum. My precious…

  “Oh. That’s a lovely plan, my love. Fate has been so kind to me, bringing you back into my life.”

  The demon snapped his finger. “Help me up, Ixtab. Let us pay a visit to Antonio and his tablet. His demise will be my wedding gift to you.”

  Married? Insert dirty fork in eye now. “Married? Oh, Francisco…”

  He reached for her hand and gave her a proud, beaming… hack, gurgle, hack. “Take my hand, woman.”

  Oh, gods, not again. Teen uk’al k’iinam. Teen uk’al yah. She’d need to touch Antonio soon—to lighten her load—or she wouldn’t make it. Her body was very close to full capacity.

  Chapter Veintisiete

  “This better fucking work,” Antonio mumbled to himself as he tested the circuit board one last time. Last night, he had isolated three distinct energy patterns, and the moment he had begun to cycle the current through the tablet, its center dissolved into a vacuous spiral. He watched the tiny opening grow a few more inches before the board shorted out, but he knew he’d done it. He only hoped that tonight he could get the portal to open all the way and for a duration sufficient enough to accomplish his goal.

  Antonio looked at his watch and then glanced at the door. Dammit. Where was Ixtab? It was time.

  Part of this plan still didn’t feel right. Yes, he needed to rid his family of the demon once and for all. It was his duty. And yes, he felt in his heart that the woman he saw each time he clo
sed his eyes was connected to him in a way that would never be explained by science or logic or anything rational. Yet he couldn’t help but want to go to Ixtab and run away with her. The attraction he felt, despite not knowing what she looked like, was… epic. He’d never felt such a carnal craving for a woman.

  Yes, but she’d said herself that the love of her life, the one she hadn’t gotten over, the one she thought she killed, was your father! How could she love that… pinche monster?

  But how much could she love him if she were willing to help send him away? Perhaps not much. Perhaps she, too, had been deceived as surely thousands of women had over the demon’s lifetime, including Antonio’s very own mother. No, he shouldn’t hold Ixtab’s mistake against her.

  But where was she? He looked at his watch. Midnight.

  She’ll be here. Have faith… He pushed Run Program and stepped back. The tablet began to vibrate with a loud hiss.

  “Well, well. I’ve underestimated you, my son. I’ll be very sorry to see you go.”

  His father and Ixtab stood side by side in the doorway, Ixtab gripping the old demon’s arm. A surge of jealously scorched his veins. How could she be touching him?

  He looked at Ixtab. “What is going on?”

  She shrugged. “Sorry, but your father and I have reconciled. And now that I can touch him, well, what can I say? I’m a sucker for a sex demon. Vampires… not so much.”

  She—she still loves him? How?

  “I trusted you,” he screamed. The noise coming from the tablet was deafening, as if the plates of the Earth were grinding together.

  “No, asshole. We trusted you!” she screamed back. “You were supposed to open that portal and free our men, but all along you wanted to find some slut on the other side.”

  “So this is a punishment for that? For her?” Antonio couldn’t believe Ixtab had deceived him. Her sister had been right; she was an evil monster.

  Antonio’s heart did not want to accept what his rational mind presented as the truth. Yet there she was, holding his father’s arm and clearly taking his side—she’d tipped her hand and told the demon everything.

  The wind in the room kicked up.

  “Punishment for her?” Ixtab howled. “As if I care who a disgusting, weak vampire has the hots for. I’ve been reunited with my true love, and you’re a threat to him. So time to go.”

  Ixtab turned away from Antonio and toward his father who, even in his emaciated state, was a head taller. She slipped off her veil and shoved it at his chest. “Hold this, my love!” she screamed over the loud noise.

  A crack blasted through the air, and the tablet completely disappeared, creating a small wind tunnel in the center of the table, where a pale, delicate hand shot out.

  Holy shit! Antonio gripped the hand and began pulling. If he were going to die or be banished to another realm, at least he’d save the woman.

  A euphoric jolt coursed through his body when two hands gripped his shoulders from behind. Then he felt a pair of lips brush against his ear. “Hurry, Antonio. Get her out,” Ixtab whispered.

  Ixtab had been faking it? His mind surged with adrenaline. He wanted to spin around and see her face. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to kiss her. But dammit, he had to get rid of this demon!

  “Oh no you don’t!” Ixtab screamed. “Get your icky vampire ass inside that portal.”

  Antonio felt a gentle push on his back as Ixtab faked a struggle.

  Another hand popped out. He gripped both of the woman’s wrists and pulled. An elbow, a shoulder…

  “Get your incu-ass over here, Francisco, and help me. He’s too strong!” Ixtab screamed and grunted, pushing gently on Antonio’s back.

  The woman’s face appeared in the hole. Two dark eyes filled with fear. Long dark hair. A delicate pale face with freckles on her nose.

  Who the hell is she?

  “Pull,” the woman screamed frantically, “I’m almost out!”

  The voice! He recognized the voice. But this was not the same face he’d seen again and again and again in his dreams. This was not that woman! Her eyes were completely different.

  “Who the hell are you?” he bellowed above the noise, as he grunted and tried to free the woman from the grasp of the portal. At the same time, he felt an arm reach around his neck. The flesh was ice-cold. His father. This was it. Antonio gave one last yank, and the woman popped out, the force throwing her against the wall. He felt the arm around his neck tighten, pushing his head toward the portal.

  Now it was time to get rid of this demon once and for all.

  He grabbed the offending arm and turned his body. Those hazy, evil eyes stared through him as Antonio saw the faces of every soul his father had taken. So many innocent lives staring back at him.

  Antonio grabbed the demon’s upper arms and the two began wrestling, each one trying to push the other into the portal. The old demon was much stronger than he looked.

  Antonio glanced at the portal; the noise was beginning to fade. Shit. “It’s about to close!”

  Two golden-brown hands reached up from behind the demon and pressed against the sides of his saggy neck. Antonio watched as his father’s face turned bright red, causing him to scream.

  The demon fell to the side, and Ixtab threw herself over him, toppling the demon toward the portal’s entrance. Just as its gravity took hold, the demon reached out and gripped Ixtab’s arm. Her entire body jerked toward the portal’s entrance.

  Oh, hell! Antonio dove for her other hand and caught it as her body slipped inside.

  He looked down at her face and staring back were two of the most hypnotic turquoise eyes he’d ever seen. They were bright, nearly translucent, framed with thick black lashes.

  The woman. She’s the woman? Why had he been seeing Ixtab’s face while hearing this other woman’s voice?

  Yes, these were the catlike eyes he’d seen over and over again in his dreams. The entire time, it had been Ixtab’s face in his visions! And her face was a breathtaking image of beauty. Two full lips, sculpted cheekbones, arched black brows framed with flowing brown hair. As he stared into her eyes, the world seemed to stop spinning around him. The noise, the wind, the chaos ground to a halt.

  “You,” he whispered. “It’s you…”

  He’d simply never seen a woman more beautiful in his life.

  She smiled with a certain knowingness and joy that could not be articulated with words.

  “Let go, Antonio,” she said. “Be happy. For me.”

  What?

  Her eyes shifted from side to side. “The portal is closing. Let go. Be happy!”

  Had she lost her mind? “No! You promised you would not leave me.” And what the hell was with this “happy” crap? He began to pull her arm. The wind and noise screamed in his ears.

  “For fuck sake! Be happy, I command you!” she screamed. “Let go! He’s got my other wrist.”

  No. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let her go. “Never.”

  “Why do vampires have to be so stubborn? The portal is closing! And you need to run before they come.”

  Run? Run from whom? He ignored her and pulled again. Her other hand reached out and gripped his, but instead of firming up her grasp, a searing hot pulse surged through his arm like hot lava.

  “Happy!” she screamed.

  “Goddammit, no!” he roared. Unable to hold on, his hand released her, and he watched her face disappear into the black hole right as the portal snapped shut.

  “No!” He threw himself over the tablet. “Ixtab!”

  She was gone.

  His mind flew into a ranging panic. “Fuck!” He would simply open it again and go after her. “You’re not leaving!” He turned toward the edge of the table, but his equipment was gone. He spun in a circle and looked around the room. The entire place was empty. The portal had sucked everything in. “No! Fucking hell!”

  “You can’t open the portal again, anyway. The demon will come out,” said a quiet voice.

  A woman in a dingy
white cotton dress, with little red flowers embroidered on the hem, stared back with large dark brown eyes from the corner of the room.

  “Who the hell are you?” Antonio barked.

  She dusted off the front of her dress. “Miss Margaret O’Hare. Now, grab the tablet; we need to get the hell out of here!”

  He stormed over, lifted her by the shoulders, and shook her. “I’m not taking you anywhere! Not until you tell me how to get Ixtab back!”

  Gods help him, he would torture this woman if he had to.

  The woman, whose eyes filled with contempt, was about to speak, but she stopped. Her gaze gravitated over his shoulder. “Oh, horsefeathers!” She looked at Antonio. “You want to know how to get Ixtab back? Put your game face on, vampire. It’s showtime.”

  Antonio slowly turned his head.

  What the… hell?

  Chapter Veintiocho

  The three men, if they could be called men, stood just inside the doorway of the small makeshift basement lab. And while Antonio had witnessed many horrific things in his life, these creatures were far beyond his wildest nightmares. That said, he didn’t have time for this bull crap because Ixtab was all that mattered. He’d fucking had her all along, and he’d let her go. How?

  “What are they?” He pushed Margaret squarely behind him.

  “Maaskab,” she replied.

  These were Maaskab? That night in Helena’s penthouse, Ixtab’s sister Fate had described them as powerful, evil priests. He’d envisioned men in black robes sacrificing rabbits and chanting spells in Latin over a cauldron. Fate had completely left out the part about their rancid bodies being covered in odoriferous black grime and their hair being ropes of foul dreadlocks dripping with blood. And their sizes…mierda del diablo. They were beasts bigger than any creature he’d ever seen.

  Well, he could give a shit about their size because gods only knew what that sadistic bastard of a demon could be doing to Ixtab. “What the fuck do you want?”

  The largest of the creatures stepped forward and pointed its vile, blood-crusted finger at Antonio. It wore nothing more than a loincloth made from some sort of animal hide and a necklace full of human thumbs.