Elvis The Sani Man

by Ian Todd

  “Well, we’re baith sitting here, so we ur.”

  “Naw, no here. Ah mean somewhere where we kin hiv a bit ae peace and quiet and no keep getting disturbed or distracted?”

  “Whit aboot?” Priscilla asked her, watching her closely.

  “Work things.”

  “Work things? Whit kind ae work things?”

  “Aboot back in the day,” Collette replied.

  “Back in the day?”

  “Aye.”

  “Whit aboot back in the day?”

  “The time that ye wur in the force.”

  “Christ, Collette, that wis twelve, nearly thirteen years ago. Jeez, Ah kin hardly remember whit Ah did last week, let alone, whit Ah wis up tae twelve years ago,” she scoffed. “Ye’re making it sound aw mysterious, so ye ur.”

  “Priscilla, dae ye remember a lassie called Susan McFarlane?” she asked, taking a deep breath, changing tact.

  “Ah don’t think so. Why, should Ah?”

  “She wis a WPC…like us.”

  “Ye mean, back in the day when Ah wis oan the beat? Why, dis she remember me like?” Priscilla asked, suddenly sounding wary, looking across tae see if Elvis wis still engrossed wae the battered MC, which he wis.

  “Look, Ah’m sure Ah’m daeing this aw wrang, bit you’ll hiv tae judge that fur yersel,” Collette replied, gaun intae her wee bag and withdrawing an envelope and haunin it across tae Priscilla.

  “Whit is it?” Priscilla asked, laying the awready opened and stamped envelope doon oan tap ae a dry patch oan the spilled-drink-covered table.

  “Read it, Priscilla. Please?” Collette asked her, picking up the envelope and withdrawing the letter and haunin it tae her.

  “Ah don’t need tae read it. Ah recognise the writing. Look, whit is it ye’re efter?” Priscilla demanded, her voice hardening, tears filling her eyes.

  “As well as your letter tae Susan McFarlane back in nineteen seventy-two, there wur wans fae a Sandra Henderson, Susan Gilroy, Janis Mack, Bridget Fordyce, Alice Broon, Samantha Spence, Isobel Cruickshank, Mary Connelly, Mary Gillespie, Jackie Diamond, Pamela Stevenson, Beth Angel and a Vicky Henderson. Ah’ve goat them aw. They aw offered support tae twenty year-auld Susan McFarlane, a young WPC who’d been sexually assaulted by a sergeant across in the polis social club in the Gorbals during a lock-in at two o’clock in the morning. The support you…they…offered, wis that they’d aw be prepared tae put forward signed statements, in front ae legal witnesses, ootlining their sexual harassment experiences during their time in the service ae whit wis then called The City ae Glesga Polis.”

  Silence.

  “So, whit is it ye want fae me?” Priscilla eventually asked, looking directly intae her eyes fur the first time since she’d produced the envelope.

  “Whit dae Ah want? Ah want Daddy Jackson, Bobby Mack, Billy Liar, Teddy Bare, Mickey Sherlock, Colin Campbell, Jings Johnston, Willie Burke and that sister ae his, ma auld boss, Sergeant Sally Burke. Bit maist of aw, Ah want ma present inspector Duggie Dougan. Aw they basturts ur currently serving as a superintendent, chief inspectors, inspectors or sergeants. They’re the remnants ae whit used tae be referred tae as The Irish Brigade, back in your days.”

  “Is this an official investigation?” Priscilla whispered, clearly in a state ae confusion, shock or baith.

  “It’s still at an early stage.”

  “Is this a sanctioned investigation, Collette?” Priscilla persisted, looking at her.

  “Naw,” she admitted. “Ah’m gathering the evidence masel, aff ma ain back.”

  “Christ!” Priscilla laughed, mockingly. “They’ll bloody crucify ye, Collette. Is that whit ye want? Really?”

  “Whit Ah need is your help. No only your help, bit the other poliswummin as well,” Collette replied quietly, pleading wae they eyes ae hers.

  Silence.

  “Priscilla…” she started saying, when the palm ae Priscilla’s haun wis held up tae silence her.

  Silence.

  “Collette, Ah’m…Ah’m prepared tae meet wae ye, tae listen tae whit ye hiv tae say, bit Ah’m promising ye nothing. And another thing that Ah want tae be crystal clear oan is that ma family, that man and that wean ae mine, cannae be dragged intae this. Hiv Ah made masel clear?”

  “If they dae, it won’t be because ae me, Priscilla.”

  “Ah said, hiv Ah made masel clear?” Priscilla repeated, as Elvis came bounding across tae the table.

  “Collette,” he laughed. “Ye look bloody gorgeous, so ye dae,” he beamed.

  “Whit’s happening noo, Elvis?” Priscilla asked him, her smile returning.

  “He’s jist convinced me tae try oot they tapes ae his. He let me listen tae a bit ae them through a set ae heidphones, so he did.”

  “And?”

  “So, Ah’m gonnae dae a hauf hour set fur aw ma fans who’ve been sitting waiting patiently fur me tae come oan stage,” he replied, nodding tae the three wummin wae the black tights and white sandals across at the door, who hid their glasses raised towards Priscilla.

  “Bit everywan’s left the building,” Priscilla reminded him, looking aboot the near empty lounge.

  “Ah’m gonnae gie ye the benefit ae the doubt and accept that ye wurnae taking the piss oot ae me by insulting ma loyal fans, hen,” he scowled at her, nodding back across tae the streetwalkers who still hid their glasses stuck up in the air, as Collette and Priscilla looked at each other and laughed. “Believe it or no, that Colonel Parker o’er there wae the ripped shirt collar, used the fact ae everywan disappearing as a selling point as well, so he did. That charmer could sell Gouda tae the Dutch, so he could.”

  “Whit’s Gouda?” Collette wondered.

  “Cheese,” Priscilla replied. “Bit whit aboot the song list that ye’ve awready goat? Whit aboot aw the practice ye’ve put in?”

  “Did wan ae youse no tell me that there his tae be particular songs sung at an Elvis competition?” Collette wondered, relaxing.

  “Aye. Aw standard Elvis classics that everywan kin sing alang tae. Ah take it that that isnae whit’s oan they tapes, is it Elvis?”

  “It’s funny ye should say that, bit…” he replied, laughing. “There’s still some bloody crackers, so there is. He’s also said that he’ll gie me a further reduction, seeing as nowan else appears tae be willing tae at least gie it a wee go, so they urnae.”

  “Aye, bit whit dis that mean then?”

  “It means, darling, that this is the best place in the toon tae see a live gig the night, so it is,” he announced tae the lounge, staunin up and heiding across tae the wee stage, as the three wee streetwalkers burst intae applause.

  Chapter Fifty One

  Twelve days hid come and gone since Elvis The Pelvis, in the shape ae a wee rakish guy fae Partick, hid bounded up oan tae the stage that Friday night and performed a blazing forty-five minute set, convincing Collette tae become a raving, screaming fan ae The King. Priscilla and her hid stood there transfixed fae the start, clapping and shouting, before getting up and dancing wae the other punters in the lounge fur the rest ae the night. It wid’ve been too noisy and bitty tae continue her conversation wae Priscilla, even when Elvis kept disappearing and reappearing, sorting oot the backing tape, in between wee malfunctioned sound checks. Although Collette hidnae heard or recognised the majority ae the songs oan the night, given that a lot ae them hid been fae Elvis’s earlier recordings, it hidnae stoapped her screaming the place doon like some wee demented Bay City Rollers fan as Elvis bounded up oan tae the wee stage and grabbed the microphone. By the third number, mair and mair ae the living dead hid started tae tumble through the lounge door fae the street ootside. It hid been wan ae the wackiest experiences ae her polis career so far, staunin there transfixed, as a dozen overly-done-up, scar-faced, rough-looking prostitutes gyrated like raunchy wee sex kittens towards the motley crew ae hauf-pished bar-fly winos, who thirty seconds earlier hid barely been able tae staun up and stoap themsels fae toppling o’er. When Elvis hid let rip wae �
�Stuck Oan You’, apparently his first big hit efter coming oot ae the army back in the day, it hid reminded Collette ae the mad scene oot ae that horror movie, The Festival ae The Bizarre, which hid scared her and her wee pals shitless when they’d sneaked in tae see it at The Rosevale Cinema oan Dumbarton Road as weans. It hid been as if somewan hid plugged everywan in the lounge straight intae an electric socket, as their long forgotten youth suddenly spewed them forth up oan tae their feet like exploding champagne corks. By the time Priscilla hid dragged her up intae the middle ae the dancing dead fur the start ae Jailhoose Rock, even Uncle Fester and Lady Godiva, wae the hairy tap lip, fae behind the bar, hid been up there, skiting alang the sticky-carpeted flair, competing wae the rest ae the ghoulish crazies. At the end ae the night, efter Elvis hid gathered up his gear and re-negotiated a knock-doon price oan the tape, Priscilla and Elvis hid insisted oan gieing her a lift up the road, insteid ae allowing her tae waste her money oan a taxi. The three streetwalkers that hid sat o’er by the door, hid awready taken up their positions at the corner ae the narrow cobbled lanes, gieing Elvis’s car a wee wave oan their way past. As she goat oot ae the car oan Lawrence Street, Priscilla hid wound doon her windae.

  “Whit shift ur ye oan this week, Collette?” she’d asked.

  “Early.”

  “Right, well, why don’t ye nip up tae oor place and we kin hiv a wee catch-up chat aboot whit we wur talking aboot earlier oan. How dis Wednesday efternoon sound?”

  She’d been glad that she’d been able tae witness Elvis in action before she’d gone across tae hiv a chat wae Priscilla the following Wednesday at their amazing, though unusual, flat in Kildonan Drive. She hidnae been prepared fur whit Priscilla Presley hid disclosed tae her regarding her situation thirteen years earlier though, during her time in the force in the early sixties. They’d laughed and cried, as Priscilla spoke aboot the challenges back then and how she’d managed tae pick up the pieces before moving oan wae her life, ending up wae a guy who’d always wanted tae be a polisman, bit hid insteid settled oan being a Sani Man by day and Elvis by night. The disclosures, particularly when they touched oan Collette’s ain life hid jist aboot floored her. Another strange thing that hid surprised Collette wis the fact that, while aw the ex-WPCs knew each other and hid been through similar experiences, few ae the authors ae the letters hid ever shared much intimate details wae each other aboot whit hid happened tae them at the hauns ae The Irish Brigade, even though they wur aw still in contact. Efter hearing aboot Susan McFarlane, who they’d never met, they’d aw been discussing whit hid happened tae her and hid decided tae support her as a group. They’d aw gone hame and written doon whit hid happened tae them, before sending their experiences direct tae Susan. Collette hid only realised that the WPCs hidnae shared their stories previously when she’d quoted fae wan ae the letters tae verify something Priscilla hid said.

  “Ah never knew that aboot Susan,” Priscilla hid exclaimed, tears appearing in her eyes oan learning Susan Gilroy’s mother hid committed suicide because ae whit hid happened tae her daughter.

  As she slowly made her way up tae the third flair ae the red sandstane wally-tiled closemooth in Kildonan Avenue fur her second visit up tae Priscilla’s, she hidnae expected tae be confronted by a reception committee ae hauf a dozen wummin, sitting there waiting fur her. Efter Priscilla ushered her alang the lobby tae her kitchen-living room, aw the voices suddenly died doon.

  “This is WPC Collette James, the lassie Ah wis telling youse aboot.”

  “Er, hello,” she said nervously, as a few ae them looked at each other before they aw gied her wee shy smiles in return.

  “C’mone, sit o’er here where we kin see the whites ae yer eyes, Collette, hen,” wan ae them, who Collette found oot later wis Alice Broon, encouraged her warmly, tae the sound ae nervous titters fae some ae the others.

  “Right, then, before we start. Youse aw better introduce yersels,” Priscilla suggested, taking Collette’s jaicket and clicking the wee button oan the back ae the kettle.

  “Hiya, hen, ma name’s Sandra Henderson, so it is,” a good-looking red-haired wummin sang, as Collette’s brain whirred intae action, recalling the contents ae the written testament that Sandra Henderson hid sent tae Susan McFarlane two and a hauf years earlier.

  Sandra Henderson. Aged 36. Joined the force in April 1961 as a twenty-wan-year-auld. Hid her first sexual experience wae Sergeant Duggie Dougan, efter being introduced by WPC Sally Burke, before being passed oan tae Sergeant Ralph Toner, who’d ended up years later as an inspector in charge ae the Serious Crime & Intelligence section before being sentenced tae seven years in the big Glesga corruption trial in the late 60s. Henderson hid been forced tae resign fae the force in June 1963 efter becoming engaged tae the then Inspector Sean Smith, later chief inspector and leader ae the notorious ‘Irish Brigade’ corrupt polis officers fae the Central, West and North ae the city. Smith, who wis noo deceased, hid called aff their engagement two weeks efter Henderson’s last day in the force.

  “Ah’m Bridget Fordyce. Ah’m the sensible wan oot ae this lot,” a second wummin said tae laughter, breaking the ice further.

  Bridget Fordyce. Aged 32. Joined the force as a twenty-wan-year-auld in 1964. Hid been sexually involved wae Sergeant Bobby Mack efter being introduced by WPC Sally Burke, before Bobby Mack passed her oan tae Sergeant Colin McGregor. Since the bash doon in Betty’s Bar, Collette hid found oot that McGregor hid gone oan tae become an inspector in the Toonheid before retiring due tae ill health. Bridget Fordyce hid resigned fae the force efter months ae being severely harassed by members ae The Irish Brigade, efter claiming wan ae them, Sergeant Duggie Dougan, hid raped her twice oan two separate occasions efter she rejected his advances. Resigned in October 1965.

  “And Ah’m Susan Gilroy.”

  Susan Gilroy. Aged 33. Joined the force as a twenty-two-year-auld in the same intake as Bridget Fordyce. Hid been a polis cadet fur three years before joining up. Hid her first sexual relationship wae Sergeant William ‘Billy Liar’ O’Donnell efter being introduced tae him by WPC Sally Burke. Claimed in her written testament that WPC Sally Burke hid plied her wae drink wan night in Burke’s flat before disappearing aff tae her bed, leaving Susan in Billy Liar’s ‘capable hauns.’ Billy Liar eventually passed her oan tae Sergeant Mickey Sherlock, who in turn passed her oan tae Colin McGregor before she ended up wae Duggie Dougan. Resigned fae the force in September 1965. Wis dumped by Duggie Dougan a month before she wis due tae be married tae him at St George’s Tron Church doon oan Buchanan Street. Her devoutly Christian mother committed suicide the day she wis due tae get married, efter the family learned that Dougan wis awready married.

  “Hiya Doll. Ma name’s Samantha Spence, bit everywan calls me Sam, so they dae.”

  Samantha Spence. Aged 30. Joined the force in March 1966 as a twenty-wan-year-auld. First ever sexual experience wis wae Sergeant Mickey Sherlock, the current chief inspector ae Serious Crime & Intelligence, efter being introduced by WPC Sally Burke. Two months efter starting a relationship wae Sherlock, wis passed oan tae Sergeants Jings Johnston and Billy Liar, before being dumped six weeks before getting married tae Inspector Daddy Jackson in July 1967. Aw The Irish Brigade must’ve hid a good laugh that day, as apparently, it hid been Daddy Jackson’s 10th wedding anniversary oan the day Sam wis due tae be getting married tae him doon at Martha Street Registry Office.

  “And ye know me, Alice Broon. Ah’m the shy wan aboot here,” Alice quipped, sending everywan intae light laughter again.

  Alice Broon. Aged 29. Signed up at twenty wan in August 1967. Started a sexual relationship wae Bobby Mack efter being introduced by WPC Sally Burke. Within three months, wis passed oan tae Billy Liar before being shunted in the direction ae Mickey Sherlock, then Duggie Dougan who took his share, before being raped by Willie Burke efter rejecting his advances. Left the force in January 1969 and spent the next four months in a psychiatric hospital ward.

  “Hello, ma name’s Jackie Diamond and Ah’m
the baby oot ae this lot ae hairys.” Jackie said tae mair laughter, as Priscilla placed a steaming mug ae tea doon in front ae Collette.

  Jacqueline Diamond. Aged 27. Joined the force as a twenty-wan-year-auld in February 1969. Hid been a polis cadet since she wis eighteen. Wis introduced by Sergeant Sally Burke tae Inspector Daddy Jackson six weeks efter signing oan the dotted line and making her pledge tae the Queen. Efter two months, the inspector ended their relationship due tae being promoted tae chief inspector, efter the previous chief inspector, Sean Smith, blew his brains oot wae a handgun in his office doon in Central efter being implicated in serious corruption allegations. WPC Diamond wis then passed oan o’er an eighteen-month period tae Inspector Colin McGregor, Inspector Bobby Mack, Inspector Jings Johnston, Inspector Mickey Sherlock, Sally Burke’s brother…Sergeant Willie Burke, before being raped by Inspector Billy Liar efter she’d realised whit wis gaun oan and rejected his advances. Went aff work long-term efter being admitted tae Dykebar Psychiatric Hospital near Barrheid. Resigned fae the force in July 1972.

  “There wis supposed tae be two mair lassies here the day, Beth Angel and Vicky Baker, bit they couldnae make it,” Priscilla informed her, grabbing a vacant stool at the table. “The baith ae them hiv telt me tae tell ye that they’ll be able tae make the next session, if there is wan, or alternatively, they said ye could nip up and speak tae them at hame individually oan an evening.”

  Beth Angel. Aged 30. Joined up in August 1969 as a twenty-four-year-auld. Hid her first sexual relationships wae Inspector Duggie Dougan efter being introduced by Sergeant Sally Burke. Within two months, hid gone doon the same route as the other wummin, starting wae Mickey Sherlock, Jings Johnston and Bobby Mack. Bobby Mack hid then attempted tae pass her oan tae Daddy Jackson, bit she hid resigned aw ae a sudden, before anything hid developed, efter finding oot that she’d become pregnant tae Bobby Mack. Beth hid tried tae re-join the force efter miscarrying Bobby Mack’s baby. She claimed that she hidnae been aware that Bobby Mack wis married. Her testament statement tae Susan McFarlane didnae disclose whether she wis aware that the others she’d sexual relationships wae wur married or no. She’d failed at the first hurdle in her attempt tae return tae duty efter Teddy Bare called her in tae whit she thought wis an interview. Insteid, it hid turned oot tae be a humiliation fur her, wae her being informed by him that she widnae be allowed back as the force took a dim view ae wummin who hid weans oot ae wedlock tae married men. He’d hid the cheek tae blame Mary Whitehoose, the TV smut campaigner, fur pressure being put oan public bodies, such as the polis, tae lead by example, in promoting the nation’s Christian moral values.