Outside
Page 5
The ringing started.
All that sky tipped down the drain with the blood inside his head. And He – He cussed, picking up His magic key. He picked Zeb up and put him over His shoulder. He disappeared the rest of Zeb through the door before I could even say it to him.
I’m sorry.
It’s not your fault, Ele. You didn’t have the proof.
Jack.
Oh. It is. And it’s OK.
I’m ready to escape now.
Jack, I knock. I’ve found my proof.
I take my finger out of the hole in the wall, and I take my first look at the Outside.
Fourteen
Now, let me be honest with you – there ain’t a whole lot to see. It’s not all forests and gingerbread. It’s mainly just light, kind of blue-grey, like we really are in a Tower up in the sky, just like Rapunzel.
I try opening my eye real wide, so my eye-hair don’t get in the way and fizz it all up. Problem is that it’s real small and I’m not used to seeing things through such a tiny hole. I ain’t done much squinting in my time and it makes me wish that I had. I could’ve had mornings when I din run and jump about, but instead focused in real small just for days like this.
What would I be able to see if I could? Mermaids? Fairies? Dragons?
After a while of looking, I start seeing a line. A line where things stop being blue-grey and start being brown-grey, like when the floor stops at the sky in book pictures. And, if that’s the floor, then our Tower ain’t in the sky after all. It’s on the ground.
I don’t even need to climb down my own hair to escape. I’m already nearly there.
I sit staring at the Outside ’til the blue-grey starts being yellowy and my eyes are itching with being so sleepy. Jack is knocking to me, asking me what I mean, and what I see, and whether I’ve gone crazy for real this time. But there ain’t nothing but truth blowing in from this hole.
It’s been real this whole time. Right on the other side of one of my very own walls.
I’m thinking about this, trying to think past the numb inside of me to where my feelings are kept. I’m thinking so hard, and looking at the light so much, that I don’t notice the sun bars come on, or the feed rattling down, or the Others crowding around behind me. Not until one of them taps me on the shoulder and turns me round to look at them.
‘What you –’
Cow’s words stop in his throat. He stares with the other two at the Outside leaking in through the hole. They look and they look. And I look with them.
Looking with them makes it real. We all stare at it and we wait for it to not be true no more.
But it is. It’s proof and there ain’t no running from it, no matter what.
The Proof of the Outside – number six: The hole in the wall.
Bee starts first. Low. A whining, like a ringing in my ears. I frown at her, but Cow starts to join. Then Queenie. They get louder, and all together their noise feels like pain in my ribs.
I try shuffling over to them, try to put my hands over their mouths all turned down into sad, but it don’t do nothing to stop them.
‘Shut your holes.’
They can’t hardly hear me over their noise.
My heart hammers. I try plugging the hole in the wall back up, but the bit don’t go back in right and it keeps falling out again, shaking in my fingers.
‘Shut up!’ I shout, but all their pain is spilling out loud.
I throw the wall plug at them and it bounces off the top of Cow’s head. He don’t even blink.
‘SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!’
I cover my ears with my hands. I try to find the bit inside of me that is glad. The bit that’s excited. But, with all this noise, all I can think is what they’re thinking.
If that’s the Outside, then we really have been Inside all this time.
Fifteen
Jack’s waiting for me in the Outside Inside my Head, sitting on his usual rock. It looks mighty real now, though. The whole place is breathing as sure as I am. I feel it all over my body. I can hear the wind fluttering through the trees. I can smell the armpits of the Ogres as they run through the forest behind me. I can taste the gingerbread house like I’m already eating it.
I got so much buzzing inside of me that I ain’t sure what to do with it.
The Outside is real. I have proof.
I squeeze my head between my fists and look at Jack. He looks as calm as can be on his rock.
You’re not howling.
Nah, he says, looking at his hands placed on his lap all neat.
Why?
Do you remember when you named us, Ele?
I frown at him, kicking at the grass growing right under my feet. Ain’t we got other stuff to be talking about than that?
Just tell the story, Ele.
I screw my eyes up. It was from The Alphabet Book. Bee was Bee, ’cause she’s so soft and fluffy. Cow was Cow, ’cause he’s got the same stupid eyes. Queenie was Queen, ’cause she wants all the shiny for herself. And Zeb was Zebra, ’cause he always had a long face.
And what were you?
I blink. I’d gone and forgotten that I gave me a name, too. Ele for Elephant.
Why?
’Cause I look so different to the Others.
Jack shakes his head. I think you knew then that you were too big for that Tower.
I stop kicking the grass and smile. Big, strong Elephant, pounding her way out.
So, what about me? he says.
Jack-in-the-box.
Why?
’Cause one day we’re gonna pull your lever and you’re gonna spring on out, just like me.
I’m smiling wide now, but he looks away, poking at a bit of rock that’s coming loose under him.
I’m not howling, Ele, because I believed you all along, he says all quiet. And that’s OK. I’m Jack-in-the-box.
I frown. But, Jack –
You can’t be in the Outside Inside your Head any more, Ele. It’s not real.
He steps off the rock and starts walking away. My stomach kicks.
Wait! I call, grabbing him by the arm.
He turns and looks at me all sad, eyes just like Zeb’s. Thank you, Ele, for understanding my knocks.
Then he does what he ain’t never done before – he kisses me on the cheek. Soft, like Bee. But longer. Like he don’t want to stop.
I clutch at his arm until the very last second.
Then I open my eyes and he’s gone. And even though I know it weren’t real, not one bit of it, I feel that kiss on my cheek even longer than I felt Bee’s, and a sadness in my chest like he went and took my heart away with him.
Sixteen
When I get out of the Outside Inside my Head, the Others have stopped howling. The air is still buzzing with the noise of it, though, and their faces are frozen with sad.
I want to go to each one of them and wipe up a smile, but they’re all sitting tall and looking at me like they’ve been waiting for me to come back to them.
I smile at them myself, not really feeling it. Bee breaks her sad a little, though. Her eyes see mine, and she’s happy I’m back in the room, even if her mouth is still turned upside down like a handstand.
I feel like I got to say something.
‘I told you I weren’t lying.’
It was the wrong thing to say. I know it as soon as the words are out of my mouth, but there ain’t no taking them back. Queenie starts growling, so I put up my hands, shuffling myself back to the wall.
‘Sorry – I mean – it’s OK to be scared. But this don’t mean nothing much, really. It’s just a hole telling us what we knew to be the truth all along, and, now that we know, we can escape.’
Queenie scoffs, throwing her head back and crossing her arms. I frown at her.
‘And just how you gonna escape? Through that tiny hole?’
I follow her eyes to it. Just a fingertip of dull grey light.
‘No, I ain’t stupid,’ I mumble.
‘So, what then, Ele?’
Cow looks at me like he wants me to tell him a story.
My mind fumbles.
‘Well … we wait. We wait to be rescued by the Prince, who will ride up on his steed and –’
‘There ain’t no one coming to rescue you.’ Queenie sighs. ‘That’s what your stupid brother was hoping every time he hammered himself to bits on that door.’
I want to snap at her for calling Zeb stupid, but then there’s that word again: brother. Zeb was my brother. Is that a truth?
There’s too much going on to think. It’s all buzzing with the air and clogging my throat up.
‘The books say –’
‘He brought the books,’ Queenie snaps. ‘Course that’s what He wants you to think – that, by being a good girl and doing His bidding like the Princess in the stories, you’ll be rescued by a handsome Prince and go live happily ever after.’
Her words are cold water down my back.
‘I don’t think that.’
‘Then what do you think, Ele?’ Bee’s eyes are looking at me, blue like Zeb’s. Like sky. Sky that I want like nothing else.
‘That … maybe … we can work together. Escape together.’
Bee’s eyes turn grey. She turns away.
Even Cow is rolling his eyes. ‘That ain’t the story, Ele,’ he says. ‘That ain’t how it works.’
My heart is beating real fast. ‘But … you have to come with me.’
Queenie leans towards me, her eyes split mad and sad. ‘You should’ve left when you had the chance to, just like Zeb should’ve done. When you get your chance, you run, Ele.’
My belly kicks up.
‘Then this is your chance!’ I shout. ‘Run with me.’
She just laughs, but her eyes are so sad she might as well still be howling.
‘Come with me,’ I plead, trying to reach the Others. But they’re already turning away.
‘That’s not the story, Ele,’ says Bee.
They pile themselves up in the corner, bodies wrapping tight and not leaving any holes for me this time.
I don’t move. I’m still crouched, looking over to the door, their words ringing around my ears like gunshots.
Run.
Seventeen
Sun bars on. Start my running. Feed comes down. Everyone scampers over to be the first at the bowl.
Now, if you was sitting on the top of those black bars criss-crossing themselves under the sun bars, then you might not see nothing different from every other day. Everything is as normal as can be, you’d be thinking.
But the truth of the matter is humming inside my hands and making them all shaken up.
Everything is gonna change today.
I din sleep none last night. I was knocking to Jack, asking him to take my mind somewhere nice again, but he’s ignoring me or something, ’cause he din knock back all night. I was left instead with nothing but my own damn thoughts and the ghost of his kiss on my cheek.
My head weren’t so much a pretty place to live last night. I was trying to make it think of trees and rivers and green stuff, but it was too busy chewing on the other stuff in the Outside, like Ogres and Dragons and Giants. They’re all there, waiting for me somewhere in that blue-grey light on the other side of the wall. And, you know, I’m pretty damn strong, but I sure ain’t as strong as no Dragon if I ain’t even half as strong as Him.
And yeah, there’s Him, too. Ain’t like I got an open door to be running out of.
What if the Others were right? Rapunzel might have been rescued by a Prince, but she was so old by then that her hair was as long as beanstalks. Mine ain’t even as long as I am. How’s a Prince supposed to climb up that?
But this ain’t Rapunzel’s story, is it? This is mine. And if there ain’t no Prince running in and slaying the Witch, then that means this Princess has got to do her own damn dirty work herself.
I’ve got to be strong as a Giant. I’ve got to grind up His bones.
I ain’t scared.
Now the sun bars are on, you’d think that my head would be filled with all the light again, but it ain’t. ’Cause it’s been about seven days since He last stumbled in.
He’s coming today. I know it. And everything is gonna change.
And I know that I been wanting this, but now it’s here it don’t feel like I wanted it to feel. The Others have gone and ruined it by saying that they ain’t coming with me.
What do they know about these things, anyway? They ain’t the storyteller – I am. I’m the goddamn Princess, and if I say that they’re escaping with me then they are.
The rain comes and I clamp my teeth right down until the cold and the stinging stops, then I shuffle my way over to the middle of the room to check on Zeb’s head stain, just like every other day. And, just like all the other days, it’s still there. All faint now, but there.
‘Zeb,’ I say to it real quiet, like it’s Zeb himself. ‘We’re rescuing ourselves today.’
And the curled-up red ain’t never looked more like a smile.
Zeb’s real smile was beautiful. Not like a crooked line of blood at all, but wide and dimpled. It lit up his eyes like windows showing sky.
I see it, now. Like he’s still here smiling.
And I’m still smiling when I lift my head up and see the Others crowded around me. And I keep at it, ’cause everything is gonna be OK. As long as I keep smelling their bodies all around me and feeling their skin – all soft like the underside bit of your arm – on my skin.
I look at Bee and she’s looking at me mighty sad and happy at the same time – it’s all jumbled up on her face like the rain has smudged her page. And it’s the same on Cow’s face next to her, and Queenie’s next to him.
And I open my mouth to tell them that it’s gonna be OK. That I’m writing this story and it’s gonna have a happy ending. But I don’t even get a sound out before I hear it, real faint at first, like it might be just a wheeze on a breath. But it don’t do nothing but get louder.
We all hear it, dipping and turning in the way that it does. We all know that song like He’s just singing our names out. Then footsteps, knocking all heavy and out of time to His whistle. The Others’ eyes go wide and white.
My heart is getting mighty greedy now. It’s beating up out of its cage already and banging around in my throat so I can’t hardly breathe. I look over to those Others. They’re all eyes.
‘Get off going with you,’ I say.
They just look at me.
He’s getting louder.
‘Go on!’ I say.
And they do move, but it ain’t over to that corner like they’ve done every other time He’s come. They shuffle themselves so they’re all behind me, so I can still feel them and smell them and taste them behind me, even though I can’t see them no more.
‘No.’ I say it, but it’s just a croak. Truth is, I kind of want them behind me today. It’ll be easier to take them with me.
The footsteps stop. The whistling stops. The light above that door goes green.
And it all happens real slow. That door opening. His big ol’ body at the door and bringing in all those smells that churn my stomach right up, and He’s all hair and glistening skin and shadow.
His fingers are gripping the door and He’s both Inside and He’s Outside. And I’m trying to summon all the brave in me, like I got an Ogre-killing Prince hidden inside my chest that I’ve got to call out.
But something’s not right. His eyes fix themselves on me, and I feel the anger He’s bringing in with Him like hot breath spitting rain in my eyes. I’m trying to stand up and face Him, but my legs are shaking too much. All I can see is His gun. I stumble up and fall back down.
His fingers slip off the door. His body moves Inside as the door swings all the Outside out. The light above the door clicks red.
He don’t take no extra-skins off like usual. He strides – one, two, three, four, five – and He is there at me, gun in His hand, eyes all wet and red and –
He’s gonna kill me. Before I can escape
, I’m gonna die.
He kneels down in front of me. I try to jump out of the way, but He slides a hand into my hair from the top and gets His fingers tangled in, pulling at it ’til I almost scream out.
He’s wheezing hard. He’s so close I can see all the dark bits between His teeth. His breathing fogs up my nose like He’s stuffing something hot and wet down my throat.
‘Yer gonna cost me everything, you know that, girl?’
I ain’t listening none. I should nod a ‘yes’, but all my head is doing is shaking itself side to side and showing Him I don’t want that gun nowhere near me.
He pushes it up towards me and I hold my breath in case I smell Zeb’s brains on it. He feels me do it. He sees me back to life again and scared. And He smiles.
‘You know what it’s like to feel like yer up against it, hey? Naw. Naw, course you don’t. ’Cause you just sit on your ass all day, eating yerself skinny while I bust my gut trying to keep you, ain’t that right?’
I remember to nod this time, but there ain’t no moving my head, so I just stare at Him, wide. Then He goes and pushes that gun right in between my lips.
I feel it, cold in my mouth. The metal tastes like blood.
OakWillowBirchSycamore–
‘I can end you, girl. Whenever I want. You want me to do that?’
I try to make some noise, but He shoves the gun further down my throat and I don’t want to move my tongue in case I set it off.
Ringing. Ringing.
MapleAshPine–
‘Why wouldn’t I, hey? What you giving me but pain?’
My mind is going in and out of all places. I ain’t never been able to speak to Him and ain’t no way I’m gonna be able to with a gun in my mouth, and somehow thinking that makes me go real calm. I stop my shaking. Stop grabbing hold of His arm like I’m slipping away. I just look back at Him with His gun in my mouth, and just about dare Him to pull the trigger.
For a minute, I think He’s gonna do it. But He don’t. He shakes his head, smiles and takes the gun out of my mouth. He lets go of my hair. He lets the gun fall on the floor.