Outside

by Sarah Ann Juckes

  Maybe that’s the difference between being a father and being a dad? The looking after. Even when they’re as big of a nuisance as Willow is.

  I push myself up on to my elbows and look at Ezra-Dad. He’s smiling at something on his finger. There ain’t nothing on there that I can see, though.

  I take a deep breath and hold it.

  ‘Can you be my dad?’ I blurt out all at once.

  He stops smiling. He blinks. ‘Huh?’

  ‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to,’ I say, quick. ‘Ain’t nothing big.’

  He uncrosses his hands and shifts in his chair, making it squeak.

  ‘Won’t yer own dad have something tae say about that?’

  My heart jumps. ‘I don’t have no dad.’

  He stops shifting about and looks at me. He’s silent for a while, and my ears start thumping.

  I shouldn’t have said that.

  ‘I’ve been … I’ve been wanting tae ask,’ he says finally, sitting forward, putting his beer down on the table. ‘Well, needing tae, ah suppose.’

  I scrunch up my eyes, trying to think of another question to ask to distract him. My head’s all empty.

  ‘Ele,’ he says, ‘where is it that yer from?’

  ‘Here,’ I say, throwing my eyes to the beer, cussing at it silently in my head. I should’ve known that no magic potion never did nothing all good. It all seems great at first, relaxing and all, then it turns you into someone who asks questions.

  ‘I’m only asking ’cause –’

  ‘Well don’t!’ I snap, snatching my body up and my knees forward.

  He don’t move back. He keeps leaning forward, still as anything. He scratches his hand through his beard and looks out through the dark window. ‘There aren’t many folk left in these parts now. Just a few of us, spread out. We keep ourselves tae ourselves mostly.’ He takes another sip of beer. ‘But ye get tae recognize the ones that are here. The way they act. The way they speak.’

  I swallow.

  ‘Yer from the Colt Farm, aren’t ye?’

  Colt?

  ‘No,’ I say, backing off.

  He holds up his hands. ‘It’s OK. Ah know what he’s like – a piece of work. I’m nae gonnae tell him that yer here. I’ve nae told the police about ye yet, have ah? Ye dinnae want to go back there, ah understand that.’

  ‘No!’ I say, kicking myself back even further, crouching down.

  Colt?

  ‘I didnae know he had a daughter, though,’ he says, hand scratching in his stupid orange beard again, all grizzly like a Bear.

  Breathe. Breathe. I can’t breathe.

  ‘No,’ I gasp.

  The windows are melting. The Inside is creeping into the Outside like poison.

  Ezra-Dad looks at me. He looks in my eyes and he sees. ‘Yer the spit of him, come tae think of it.’

  I gasp in for air, but my lungs ain’t working. They’re gripped up by my belly. I bend forward, my forehead colliding with the carpet. Air. No air.

  Him.

  He is my father. My dad.

  No.

  ‘Ele?’

  I choke on the air that’s tangling up like thin little hairs in my throat. I scratch at the floor, digging up the carpet like it’s made out of mud, trying to find … trying to …

  No.

  He din look after me. He din take care of me and keep me safe.

  His hands on me. His lips. My lips.

  Our lips.

  They always knew, the Others. They saw me looking like Him and they knew we was the same blood.

  I ain’t Him, though. I ain’t. I ain’t. I ain’t.

  ‘Ele!’

  Hands grab my arms and I throw myself up real fast, some of me wanting to hurt, hurt as bad as it hurts inside me, some of me just wanting to get away.

  Crack!

  My head rings out as it collides with something hard.

  It’s Him. He’s kicked me in the head again –

  No.

  I ain’t there. I ain’t there no more. I escaped. I did, Zeb! I got away from Him, just like you wanted to. You hated Him as much as me. Our dad. Dad. We din call him that, though, did we? He weren’t no dad to us. Just a Him.

  Him.

  I’m on a floor. There’s carpet, all fuzzy like fur. And there’s cussing, deep and low like the walls are coming down. Ezra-Dad.

  I moan, grabbing my head, and I force myself to look up. Ezra-Dad is swaying about the room, holding his nose like it might fall off at any moment.

  I did that.

  How to be an Outside Person – number eight: Don’t bite people.

  I din bite him, but I hurt him, and I reckon that’s the same thing.

  He’s tilting his head back, trying to blink the pain from his eyes.

  My head hurts so bad and my lungs are still squeezing themselves all wrong, all fast, and then –

  ‘What the –’

  Willow. At the door. And then there’s me, raging like some mad Dragon, seeing red. And Ezra-Dad, hurting.

  Look what I’ve done.

  I’m an Other again. I ain’t no Outside Person. I certainly ain’t Him. I ain’t never being no spit of Him. I’m them. I’m an Other and I left them.

  And I’m so sorry I left them. I’m so sorry.

  ‘Ele?’ Willow says from behind me.

  I’m in a ball. It’s dark here. His hands try to prise me out, but I don’t come.

  ‘Ele?’ he says – someone says.

  I’m so sorry.

  Forty-Three

  I’m in a dark place. It smells of me.

  I reckon I know where I am, truth be told. I’m right at the entrance to the Outside Inside my Head. Trees are just on the other end of the silence. Jack will be waiting for me on his rock, water running over his toes.

  I ain’t going through, though. Jack is knocking to me, but I ain’t answering. He told me I can’t be there no more, and he’s right. I left them and I know what that means.

  I’m alone.

  And there’s something else, too. Ezra-Dad and Willow are somewhere behind me, speaking like they’re on the other side of a door, all quiet. And I want to listen.

  ‘Dad, would you … just let me do this, OK?’

  ‘Ah keep telling ye, I’m fine.’

  ‘How’d you get beaten up by a girl, anyway?’

  ‘Ah didnae get beaten up, Will. It was an accident. Her head …’

  Silence.

  ‘Seriously, though. You OK?’

  Sniff. Some kind of moving around. Squeaks on a chair.

  ‘I’m fine. It’s her I’m worried about.’

  Silence.

  ‘She … she’s from that Colt Farm. Did ye know?’

  ‘What?’ Willow’s voice sounds gravelly. ‘She told you that?’

  ‘Aye. Well, nae. But her accent … I’ve been thinking it for a while and … ah asked.’

  Silence.

  ‘She didn’t tell me …’

  Tapping of fingers on the floor, like rain gathering up a storm.

  ‘Dad … We’ve got to help her.’

  ‘Ah know.’

  ‘I know you don’t like interfering, but this –’

  ‘Will! Ah know. I’m agreeing with yer. I’m nae always against ye, ye know.’

  Silence.

  ‘Oh. I didn’t …’

  Things are so quiet I can hear the house whispering.

  ‘Look. It doesnae matter. What matters is that we give this lassie some help. There are things about her …’

  ‘Aye.’ Willow’s voice, but quiet.

  And that’s it, ain’t it? They know who I am now. I ain’t no Outside Person. Even with my hair all gone, all the words I know, and even Maple, they know.

  There are things about me that ain’t normal.

  But here’s something they don’t know: I’ve escaped from all that before. And this time the door ain’t locked.

  Forty-Four

  I’m running real fast on a black sea.


  The air is blowing my dress flat against me and whistling in my ears.

  I got my books with me – all three – to my chest like they belong in there, next to my heart.

  I ain’t gonna make the mistake of forgetting the important stuff. Not again.

  I’m sorry.

  The moon is a white hole exploded in the sky, showing me the way to escape. I’m wishing on every star I see, even the tiny ones that just look like wall dust.

  Make me real. Make me an Outside Person.

  I can’t see my feet. I might as well be swimming in a big pit of black nothing, for all I feel of myself. I got my shoes on, so I don’t feel nothing but the cold numbing up my bones and puddles splashing old rain at my legs. The only pain I got is the one in my chest, and I don’t know if that’s my heart ripping itself open or my lungs biting its breaths.

  I don’t stop, though. I can’t.

  As soon as I heard Willow and Ezra-Dad leave the room, I picked up my books and I left, through the front door, like it weren’t nothing.

  How to be an Outside Person – number five: Don’t think about the Inside.

  They know. I broke my rule.

  But I’m still gonna be an Outside Person. I ain’t going back Inside. I ain’t. I was stupid thinking that I could just stay with Willow and Ezra-Dad in their house, living happily ever after. But it’s OK. This is my story and I can keep turning over the pages and start again from blank.

  I can still run.

  My breaths start ripping in and out of me, taking bits of my insides with them. I can feel myself getting smaller and smaller, but it ain’t far now. It ain’t far.

  I’m nearly there. I just got to keep going.

  I just got to think on something real.

  That’s what you do when everything seems as bad as a house made of straw. You gotta make a plan. Think about those truths.

  How to be an Outside Person – number one: Don’t look at no sun.

  How to be an Outside Person – number two: Wear extra-skins clothes.

  How to be an Outside Person – number three: Look like them.

  How to be an Outside Person – number four: Go Outside.

  How to be an Outside Person – number five: Don’t think about the Inside.

  How to be an Outside Person – number six: Talk to them.

  How to be an Outside Person – number seven: Know all the Outside words.

  How to be an Outside Person – number eight: Don’t bite people.

  How to be an Outside Person – number nine: Know someone who’s died.

  How to be an Outside Person – number ten: Be nice to Giants.

  How to be an Outside Person – number eleven: Make music.

  How to be an Outside Person – number twelve: Read all the books.

  How to be an Outside Person – number thirteen: Go downstairs.

  How to be an Outside Person – number fourteen: Make tea.

  How to be an Outside Person – number fifteen: Don’t spit no food out.

  How to be an Outside Person – number sixteen: Eat at the table.

  How to be an Outside Person – number seventeen: Have things that are only yours.

  How to be an Outside Person – number eighteen: Fix up empty houses.

  And, just when my body is thinking of throwing me away, I see it. The house.

  I run round the side, where Ezra-Dad took me, until I see her. She’s still standing, waiting for me. Like I knew she would.

  ‘Maple!’ I gasp, dropping to my knees to hug her base and throwing my ribs out wide to catch all the air on the floor. Her bark feels like my knuckles, all worn from years of knocking on walls.

  ‘We’re free now,’ I say to her between breaths. ‘We’re Outside.’

  And I feel it. For the first time since I ran out of that Tower, I feel Outside. In my lungs, in my blood and even in my head.

  I’m Outside. And I’m alone.

  Forty-Five

  Footsteps.

  I remember when footsteps used to make me feel like I din have no insides. Now they just make me feel lonely. They ain’t coming for me.

  I’m lying at the bottom of Maple. I was mighty hot when I got here, but it’s cold now. I got my coat on, but the wet on the floor has seeped through to my skin.

  I got all the wishes I need to keep me alive, though. A whole sky of them. There are more stars than I ever did see in any book, spread as far as I can see all around me. There are moving stars, too, with red lights that flash. I reckon that’s a wish on its way to being granted.

  I frown. Those footsteps are getting louder. I can feel them in the ground now, rumbling up my bones.

  Is it an Ogre?

  I jump to my feet and stand in front of Maple. I ain’t got no sword, but I got my teeth. I got my nails and my fists.

  All I need is me to take down anything.

  A big ol’ shadow creeps up along the side of the house. It’s wheezing and panting so loud that it sounds like it’s the size of the house.

  I don’t stop to think. I pick up a stone from the floor and I throw it as hard and as far as I can towards it.

  And crack!

  It hits the wall of the house, bouncing right in the path of the beast, who screams out loud and says, ‘Ele! What the hell?’

  Willow.

  I back up against Maple and pick up another rock. ‘Stay away!’

  Willow puts out his hand. The whites of his eyes shine like moons. He backs up.

  ‘You’re really fast,’ he says, still panting. His hands are on his knees now, but he’s still looking at me.

  ‘I ain’t going back!’ My stupid voice is all crackly.

  He shakes his head. ‘Put the rock down so we can talk properly.’

  I look at the rock. ‘I can fight you, you know.’

  Willow lets his head drop, so he’s almost squatting on the floor. ‘Aye. I believe that.’

  I frown, but I drop the rock.

  He stumbles towards me like his legs ain’t his, still coughing and wheezing. He sits down near to me and fumbles in his pocket for a blue stick, which he sticks in his mouth, clicks and then breathes from.

  I watch him as he holds his breath. His eyes are closed. Then he lets the breath out, before falling on to his back. He sees me looking at the blue stick in his hand.

  ‘What?’ he says. ‘I have asthma, OK? It’s an inhaler.’

  I watch him, not sure whether to run away again or not.

  He flails an arm to his right. ‘Sit. The ground’s not that wet.’

  I do sit, slowly, being careful to squat so I can get up again and start running if I need to.

  ‘Why’d you follow me?’ I ask.

  ‘What, you think I was just going to let you take off into the night alone?’ He shakes his head. ‘Where are we, anyway? Whose house is this?’

  We look together at the broken-up house, all its windows dark and covered with writing that don’t make no sense.

  ‘It’s Ezra-Dad’s.’

  ‘Huh?’ Willow says, sitting up, his frown back. ‘Dad already has a house.’

  I shrug. ‘He said it was his. He’s “fixing it up” for you, or something.’

  Willow shakes his head. ‘He wouldn’t do that for me …’ He swallows. ‘Look, I’m sorry for getting angry. Before, I mean.’ He shoots me a look out of the corner of his eye. ‘I just … I mean, you see him as this … this amazing guy, and he’s not. I just thought you’d get that.’

  I sigh.

  Willow starts tapping again. Real fast on his knees. And, when he speaks, it all comes out of his mouth at once. ‘You see him as this great dad. And he is to you, but he should be to me.’

  Even in the dark, I can see his face is red.

  ‘He’s your dad, Willow. Yours. You don’t even know how lucky you are, do you? I’d give all my toes to have a dad like yours. You got two castles and a whole Kingdom.’

  Willow is looking at me weirdly.

  ‘You have all of this and you don’t
even know it’s the best thing ever.’

  He opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

  I close my eyes and face the sky. The leaves of Maple are making shadows like fingers on my eyes.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he says eventually. ‘For storming out that time. And then ignoring you. I’m a jerk.’

  I nod and he sighs.

  ‘Look, I’m trying to help you. Can you at least tell me what’s wrong? Why’d you run away?’

  ‘’Cause you hate me,’ I whisper. ‘’Cause I ain’t from here and I don’t know everything, and you know now and –’

  ‘Ele,’ Willow says, but I don’t look at him. He pulls my chin over to him, but I keep my eyes screwed up closed so I can’t see all the hate in his eyes.

  ‘It’s fine. I don’t know anything, either. We just … we figure it out together as we go along.’

  I peek at him. He’s looking at me with eyes like the night sky.

  We don’t say nothing for a good long time. The night is still, like someone has stopped time. We lie down together, though, and it’s warm next to him.

  ‘Do you know why I stopped playing the Angus game?’ Willow says after a while.

  I don’t say nothing back, just keep on staring into the stars.

  ‘It’s ’cause Dad tried to play it with me. Stupid, huh? I was out in the garden most days after Mum died, making myself believe I was fighting pirates rather than dealing with all the crap that goes with suddenly having a dead mum.’

  I hear the scrape of his head on the ground as he shakes it.

  ‘Dad would watch me from the kitchen window. And then, one day, he came outside. He put his hand on my head and he said, in that awkward way of his, “Um, it’s nice tae meet ye, Angus.” And he put out his other hand like he was shaking hands with him, and Angus was up a tree or something at the time and … I don’t know. I just got angry.’

  He swallows and I take his hand. It’s cold, but he squeezes mine back.

  ‘I just started screaming at Dad. I don’t remember what I said, but it was really, really bad stuff. Angus was mine. Mine, away from him and all the crap that was going on. And he came in and ruined it.