The Effing List

by Cherise Sinclair

  Valerie frowned. “A tail. Like with a belt or—”

  Across the table, Gabi broke out laughing. “Or, Valerie, very or. The tail is attached to a plug that goes into a very uncomfortable place.”

  “Good grief.” Valerie’s buttocks tightened in protest.

  Gabi waved her hand. “Right after I’d joined, Marcus dressed me as a cocker spaniel— floppy ears, fuzzy mittens, and a tail, and made me crawl on top of the bar. The Doms lined up to give me orders. Sit. Bark. Down.”

  A nearby tableful of tourists went silent in shock.

  Valerie started to snicker. “Too loud, Gabi.”

  Following her gaze, Linda sputtered with laughter, setting Gabi off.

  Shaking her head, Jessica pointed her finger at Gabi. “Woman, you are cut off.”

  “Of course, you’d say that, oh Miss Preggie, who isn’t allowed anything alcoholic,” Gabi sniffed.

  Jessica frowned. “Why do you say Miss Preggie, and I hear Miss Piggy?”

  “Don’t let Master Z hear you calling yourself fat, or you’ll be a very pink-assed preggie,” Sally pointed out.

  Valerie stared. “Z would…um… swat you for putting yourself down?”

  “Oh, girl, you have no idea,” Jessica said ruefully. “A good Dom won’t try to change who you are, but all bets are off if what you’re doing or thinking makes you unhappy.”

  “Yeah, they’re all over that shit.” Sally scowled.

  “But you’re both beautiful,” Valerie protested.

  “Jessica’s lessons were about how she feels about her size. Me?” Sally wrinkled her nose in annoyance. “My Demon Doms wanted me to talk about my feelings.”

  Andrea held up her hand in a show of unity. “For me, I wouldn’t ask for help. Mi señor got so frustrated he had me sold to a sadist during a club auction. It forced me to learn that lesson.”

  Cullen auctioned his submissive? “Well, gods.”

  Without exception, they all had half-rueful, half-pleased expressions.

  Even Linda.

  Valerie raised her eyebrows at her friend but didn’t speak. Sometimes people didn’t want to talk about their personal life.

  “It’s all right to ask,” Linda said with a smile. “Sam helped me overcome the belief that being a masochist is wrong.”

  “Valerie, I get the impression you’ve earned a Dom correction or two,” Gabi asked gently. “Want to share?”

  No way.

  Or…maybe yes?

  Yes.

  “Turning fifty was rough, partly because my husband’s slaves had been calling me ugly and old. And their opinion ended up being how I saw myself.”

  “We need to bitch-slap Kahlua for her,” Sally muttered. All the nods of agreement totally made Valerie’s night.

  “I can see how your experience would leave you with a challenge.” Gabi nodded in understanding. “Most of us remember insults far longer than compliments.”

  “Exactly.” Valerie rolled her eyes. “Ghost says I have to make it through the next club night without any thoughts or comments about being old and unattractive.”

  “Ooooh, good luck.” Jessica shook her head in sympathy.

  “It could happen. Maybe.” Between her own work and Ghost’s help, Valerie really was a lot more comfortable in her skin these days.

  “All us humans have insecurities, you know.” Gabi wiggled a fried cheese stick to make her point. “Even our Doms. Often enough, they think they need to be strong for us and won’t share when they have problems.”

  “You nailed it,” Zuri said. “That’s Alastair, especially if one of his kid patients dies.”

  “And Cullen when there’s a bad fire,” Andrea agreed.

  “And Z,” Jessica said under her breath.

  “Or they have old wounds to set them off. Like previous bad relationships, losses…” Gabi said.

  And got a vigorous nod from Natalia.

  “Sometimes their jobs get to them,” Sally said. “But shooting my Master Grumpy Pants and Master Frownie Face with ice water worked pretty well.”

  Valerie choked. “That would be so unwise.”

  “Right? Sally, my dear, if you spray Master Sam with ice water, I’ll be happy to watch. From a distance.” Linda glanced at Valerie. “Because there’s pain and then there’s pain.”

  “So, I have discovered,” Valerie agreed.

  “Totally. No ice water for sadists,” Natalia said with a grin, “or evil Mistresses.”

  “Speaking of evil Mistresses…” Sally pushed Natalia’s glass closer to her. “Have some lube, sister, then spill the deets. How are you and the Brit doing? You’ve been, like, missing in action since the other night.”

  Natalia flushed, took a gulp of her drink, then smiled at Gabi and Valerie. “First, thank you. For the advice.”

  Sally’s eyes narrowed. “What advice? I know about the Chelsey photoshopping scam—the bitch—but what advice?”

  “We told Natalia to confront Olivia at the bar,” Gabi smirked, “when either Z or Ghost were there, preferably both.”

  “Ooooh, so brilliantly evil.” Jessica snickered, then frowned at Natalia. “But you ran out without finishing the fight. What happened then?”

  Natalia tsked at her. “Don’t you know curiosity killed the cat?”

  “Personally, I always thought Mr. Curiosity was framed,” Valerie muttered—and after a second, the Shadowkittens whooped in laughter.

  Andrea leaned forward, grinning at Natalia. “You’re not going to escape, girlfriend.”

  Slightly worried, Valerie watched Natalia’s expression, then relaxed. The young woman was pleased to be pushed into sharing.

  “So, after I left, well, I was all mad and everything, and I didn’t even go back to my house until the next day, and she was sitting on the steps waiting for me.”

  “Oh, boo,” Zuri murmured in sympathy and reached across to pat her hand.

  “I was all cold and told her to leave, only she showed me the photo. A Domme with me, and we were on a bed and obviously fucking, and I…I couldn’t find any words.” Natalia shook her head. “I mean, I know I was never with the woman in the picture, and I still thought for a minute that person was me.”

  “And?” Sally prompted.

  “Mistress apologized, and we talked. And we made-up.” Natalia sighed and her smile took over her face.

  “Ah-huh. They had makeup sex,” Sally muttered.

  “It’s totally the best,” Zuri agreed.

  Makeup sex. Valerie felt her shoulders slump as she remembered how she and Ghost had fought. Makeup sex could only happen if a couple actually made-up.

  “Sometimes, it’s the best…” Gabi scowled. “Sometimes, the sex involves handprints.”

  Natalia giggled and nodded. “I had trouble sitting down for two days.”

  “No.” Shocked, Valerie straightened. “The breakup wasn’t your fault.”

  “The breakup wasn’t.” The brown eyes filled with mischief. “But my poor Mistress felt awfully bad about what happened and was being so nice. Really, way too nice to tolerate. So I kind of on-purpose set her off and…”

  “You, woman, are a subbie after my own heart.” Reaching around Andrea, Gabi fist-bumped Natalia.

  “So…we have Natalia and Mistress Olivia back together.” Jessica grinned at Valerie. “And if Ghost is going all Dom on your ass does that means you two are together?”

  Valerie’s heart sank, and she shook her head.

  Everyone frowned.

  “What happened?” Natalia wailed. “You two are a perfect fit.”

  “We had an argument this morning. Well, maybe it was a fight?”

  “A big relationship-ending fight or one of those you-brew-coffee-wrong ones?” Jessica asked.

  “An I-want-you-to-move-in versus I’m-not-ready fight.”

  “Ohhh, one of those.” Natalia shook her head in understanding. “Some people get serious way too fast. We call them u-hauls, the ones ready to move in after only a couple of date
s.”

  “The Colonel wants you to move in?” Gabi asked with a wide smile.

  Valerie nodded. “And the idea is simply crazy. My divorce still seems awfully recent.”

  “Then you two didn’t really have a fight,” Jessica pronounced. “More like a scheduling conflict.”

  “It felt like a fight to me,” Valerie said in a low voice. “He was really unhappy, like I’d rejected him instead of his offer to move in right now.”

  And she wouldn’t hurt him for the world, except…the thought of not having her apartment if she needed it was too scary.

  “Men can be idiots,” Andrea agreed.

  “Chica, that’s sexist.” Natalia shook her head. “Dominants can be idiots.”

  “There’s the truth,” Zuri said, and agreement ran around the table.

  Linda turned to Valerie. “Which one of you walked out on the other one?”

  “Me. I did. And I’ve been feeling like a sulky teenager all day, actually.”

  “You left.” Gabi gave her a serious look. “According to the Unwritten Book of Relationships, the one who stomps out is the one who has to crawl back and start the apology session.” She polled those around the table. “Am I right?”

  The vote was unanimous. So were the comments.

  “You did him wrong, girl. You’ll have to go back first.”

  “Sorry, Valerie, it’s up to you.”

  “It’s going to burn, but woman-up.”

  Valerie’s grumping, “You all suck” only got laughter.

  Her eyes narrowed. If she had to suffer, so would they. She leaned forward, her voice rising, “I’m going to tell your Masters y’all compared their dicks to gummy worms, baby carrots, and triple-A batteries.”

  Sally spewed her drink across the table.

  Hands over her mouth, Zuri was giggling.

  Beside Valerie, Linda choked. She was looking at the table of tourists. “I think they’re shocked stupid,” she whispered.

  Valerie felt her face turning red. “Um…oops?”

  A fresh outbreak of laughter went around the table, even from Jessica who was completely sober.

  “You know what’s even worse?” Linda’s question brought mostly silence. “Remember how Gabi whines about handprints going with makeup sex?”

  Valerie eyed her warily. “Yes?”

  “Her Master Marcus isn’t a sadist.” Linda patted Valerie’s shoulder in overt sympathy. “Ghost is.”

  Oh…spit. “I think I need another drink.”

  Sunsets in Florida were far more spectacular than in the Pacific Northwest, Ghost decided. In the screened pool enclosure, he sat on a bench while Olivia installed a new security camera she wanted him to test.

  Overhead, reds and oranges streaked the sky. A brief afternoon shower had left behind scattered clouds to reflect the colors of the setting sun. First the disturbance, then the beauty. Sounded like a recipe for life.

  He could only hope the disturbance this morning would conclude so well.

  Earlier, he’d worked awhile in the Shadowlands office. But Valerie had planned to help him dig through Wrecker’s disastrous bookkeeping…and he kept missing her.

  She hadn’t returned.

  After switching to his amphibious prosthesis—one he could get wet—he swam laps for a while, then tossed the inflatable double lounge into the pool to float on.

  When Olivia showed up a while ago, he’d pulled on shorts and a T-shirt and let her in.

  Ghost reined in his thoughts and studied the woman. “You’re looking good. Happier.”

  Her tech focus interrupted, she eyed him. “I was miserable without Natalia. I still can’t believe I was such a bloody idiot.”

  “The picture was damning.”

  After screwing the last bracket in place, Olivia sat on the opposite bench to pack up her bag of electronics. “I knew she wouldn’t cheat, and still, after my previous lovers, I didn’t think anyone would be faithful. Ugly past experiences, you know?”

  Ghost frowned. “Past experiences…” If the past could derail a confident woman like Olivia, how much worse would they affect a sensitive person like Valerie?

  Glancing around, Olivia said carefully, “From the rumors in the club, I’d expected to see Valerie here.”

  He winced. “Good aim, Olivia.”

  “My comment wasn’t intended to be painful, Ghost. I like the two of you together. You fit well.”

  “We do—and there’s the problem.” He rubbed his neck. “I wanted her to move in and pushed too hard.”

  “Yes, you did,” Natalia said as she came around the screening shrubbery and entered the screened pool enclosure. She dropped down beside her Mistress, then glared at Ghost. “You made her feel really bad, Colonel.”

  The imp had some courage…and an aim as deadly as her Domme’s. “I regret pushing her. I forgot her divorce wasn’t very long ago.”

  “I think I understand why she might hesitate to fully commit,” Olivia said.

  Ghost frowned. “Go on, please.”

  “You and Valerie both had long marriages, right, Colonel?” Olivia put her arm around her submissive, pulling her closer.

  He nodded.

  “You lost your wife to death. Which is horrible but didn’t affect how you thought of what you had together.” Olivia shook her head. “Valerie’s marriage ended because her beloved turned on her and dumped her for younger women. What she sees is her judgment has proven bloody bad. Even if you don’t turn out to be a bastard, you might simply change your mind. I can see how she’d hesitate at losing her last safety net.”

  “Yes, I reached the same conclusion.” He sighed. “Right about the time the door closed after her.”

  Tonight, at her apartment, he’d see if she’d open that door to him—and if she’d forgive him for being a pushy fool.

  At the Shadowlands, Valerie parked her car, grateful she’d kept her alcohol intake under control so she could drive. Master Marcus, who’d picked up Gabi and Natalia, had offered her a ride, but she’d wanted the time alone so she could think. In fact, she’d taken a long detour before finally heading here.

  Moving in with Ghost wasn’t an easy decision, especially for her right now. And he’d been obviously frustrated with her. And sometimes it was really annoying when he analyzed her like a…a damn Dom.

  Only, fine, it was especially annoying when he was right. Like today. He’d realized the reason she clung to her apartment was because she still didn’t feel secure.

  She rested her forehead on the steering wheel. Although she was working on those fears, they wouldn’t magically disappear, which meant he’d simply have to deal. Normally, they did well at talking to each other. Unlike Barry, Ghost listened to her. They should be able to work out a compromise now.

  Right?

  How angry was he going to be?

  Through the windshield, she eyed the third-story landing. Maybe she should have had another drink.

  As she slid out of the car, Natalia and Olivia stepped through the gate in the fence.

  Natalia ran over to give her a hug. “He’s sitting by the pool and feeling all mopey. Go for it.”

  “Thanks.” Valerie brightened. At least she wouldn’t have to climb those steps and wait at the door. “Wish me luck then; I’m going in.”

  Natalia giggled and ran back to her Mistress.

  The two were wonderful together.

  The gardens were quiet as Valerie walked past the lanai and to the secluded pool area.

  There he was. He was sitting on a bench, forearms on his thighs as he watched the water splashing into the pool. The Colonel, who was usually so very alert, hadn’t even noticed her. He seemed…sad.

  Her heart gave a painful squeeze.

  Straightening, he turned and spotted her. His green eyes sharpened, and in one sweeping look, he evaluated her posture, her mood, probably even her alcohol intake.

  He rose.

  “No, sit.” She opened the screen door and crossed to him. “I’m so
rry.”

  “An interesting approach.” His lips tugged upward. “What…exactly…are you apologizing for?”

  Her breath huffed out. Doms were annoying. Couldn’t he just assume she was sorry for everything?

  Only she wasn’t—and he probably knew it.

  “Join me, Professor.” He tugged her down to sit beside him on the bench.

  “I’m sorry I lost my temper and left.”

  “I like your temper. But walking out?” His gaze was level, his voice even. “You surprised me.”

  She winced.

  “Lass, I’m glad you didn’t cave in and agree to something that bothers you. I didn’t take into account your past.” He smiled slightly. “As Olivia and Natalia pointed out.”

  They’d spoken up for her? How sweet was that?

  He stroked his hand down her arm in a warm caress. “I’m sorry for pushing you. I hope you can forgive me.”

  She stared at him, then hauled in a shaken breath.

  “Valerie, what?”

  “I…I wasn’t expecting you to apologize or be reasonable. Only, I know you are, but I was braced for you to be angry.” Because Barry would have been.

  His eyes narrowed slightly. “One more example of how the past can linger and bite a person on the ass, hmm? I’m not your ex, pet.”

  “I know.”

  “You do—in your head. It might take time to know it in your gut. Not your fault and not my fault. It’s nothing but fact.” He leaned forward and kissed her gently. “Which is why you are right to wait before giving up your apartment, and I was wrong to push. If you need a place to escape so you feel secure, that’s fine.”

  Her muscles started to unknot.

  A hint of humor appeared in his deep voice. “I’ll try to make my bed appealing enough that you’re in it more times than not.”

  All the tension drained right out of her.

  He ran a finger over her lips and smiled slightly. “Since Natalia arrived upset with me, I had a feeling you’d been with her.” He plucked something out of her hair—the kitten ears—and his lips quirked. “It appears you were with, perhaps, a clowder of Shadowkittens?”

  Didn’t it figure he’d know what a group of cats was called? Valerie snorted. “Yes.”