The Anna Papers

by Ellen Gilchrist

“I’m coming in.” Olivia closed the book and put her arm around her grandmother’s shoulder and went with her into the house. The world was opening out before her. There was no telling what might happen next.

  Six hundred miles away, Anna decided to try again. She got into her car and drove over to her brother Daniel’s house and got out and went inside and told him he should go and see the girl.

  “I am not going to do that, Anna. I’m tired of hearing about it. I told you not to go and you went and now I have to worry myself to death about her calling Jessie. Don’t start this again with me.”

  “You cannot do this to your own flesh and blood. You might ruin her life. It’s a strange little lost world out there in Tahlequah, Oklahoma. There are grown men who look at her like they could eat her up. I dreamed she was raped by one of them the other night. I didn’t tell you everything I saw out there.” She waited, watched him square his shoulders, take it in. Then he took her arm and pulled her into the den and shut the door. He poured himself a glass of scotch and offered one to her.

  “Okay, tell me.”

  “She doesn’t have anyone to protect her, Daniel. She’s really pretty amazing, self-protective, but she borrows horses from the grooms at a farm near where she lives. She goes out with some high school rodeo star. It might be all right. Maybe that’s her world and she should stay in it. But she is ours. She belongs to us. We can’t leave her there. There isn’t a man to protect her. Her grandfather is old. There should be a man.”

  “How old is she?”

  “She’s sixteen. She’s two months older than Jessie. I’ve told you that a dozen times. You know that. If you won’t go get her I have to do something about it. At least go out there and be seen with her. Let them know there will be someone to answer to if anything happens.”

  “Are you doing a number on me, Anna?” He waited, drank his drink, looked at her. She moved closer, returned his look. Maybe I am, she thought. Maybe this is the meanest thing I’ve ever done to any of them.

  “If it were Jessie you would be worried sick. If you go and see it you will want to bring her here.”

  “Did you send them money?”

  “Yes, and I promised to take care of the college, when that happens. Please go and see about it, Daniel. Please do this for me.”

  “I’ll think it over. I’m thinking about it, Anna.” He poured another drink, a water glass full, and began to sip it. He was a powerful man, a ranked doubles player in the state, and an all-around athlete. He had never had to be afraid of another man in his life. Anna watched the old Hand madness and energy rising with the blood alcohol level. She even had sense enough to keep her mouth shut while it happened.

  “So tell me about these grooms she borrows horses from.”

  “It’s nothing really. Just that she has to be nice to them to have a horse to ride. When she’s older one of them might try to collect. She’s self-protective. I don’t mean she’s a victim. She just won the state debating contest, but I told you that.”

  “Yeah, she wrote to me. She sent it out of the paper. If I go out there and see her, I’ll want to keep her. You know that, Anna. I couldn’t see my own kid and then leave her out in Oklahoma. If I go out there, I’ll get her and I’ll keep her.”

  “You wouldn’t have to. You could think of what is best for her. You can help without going crazy.”

  “You’re letting it drive you crazy. You’re nuts on the subject. So what did you dream?” He leaned back on his desk, looking right at her.

  “I dreamed that she was coming down from the stage and there was no one there to congratulate her, no one to help her celebrate when she won the contest and then those men were there and took her off in a car. I dreamed it last week.”

  Daniel sipped his drink. He turned his head to the side, toward the door to the yard where the sound of Jessie playing tennis with her friends came in like a melody. A boy’s voice, and then another’s and then Jessie’s lilting bossy insistence, then laughter. “You want a drink or not?” Daniel said. “Come on, Sister, have a drink with me. It’s Saturday.”

  “Sure,” she said. “Fix me one.” He mixed her a scotch and water and carrying their drinks they went out through the French doors onto the balcony and stood leaning on the railing watching Jessie, wrapped up in a pale lilac sweatsuit, playing tennis with her friends.

  “You worry too much,” Daniel said. “I never knew anyone to worry the way you do. Don’t you ever have any fun anymore?”

  “I can’t help it,” she answered. “I’m a type A. I have to worry. The amazing thing is the years when I had fun and didn’t worry. There must have been some years but lately I’m having trouble remembering which ones they were. Jessie’s going to freeze to death playing tennis in this weather.”

  “No, she isn’t. I used to play in January when I was really serious about it.”

  “And we always went swimming in March. Phelan always says that. He says, we always went swimming in March. Anybody that was too pussy to go in March couldn’t run with us.”

  “What are Phelan and Niall up to? Is it true they’re going to buy a plane together? That’ll be the end of that friendship.”

  “Maybe they’re going to smuggle Mexicans or something. They don’t like being broke.”

  “Are they broke?”

  “They bought six tickets to the NCAA finals. They can’t be very broke.” Anna laughed, then finished her drink. “I’m going inside,” she said. “It’s only February. I don’t have to go swimming for another month.”

  “I’ll think it over,” Daniel said. “About Olivia.”

  “You said her name. Well, I’ll be damned.” She took her brother’s arm, stroked his sleeve, wondered how in the world her baby brother had grown so tall, become so big, become a man. “Nice shot,” Jessie called out from the court. “Love, fifteen.”

  That night Daniel called Olivia and asked her to come and spend the weekend in two weeks’ time. Then he called Anna and told her he had done it.

  “Are you satisfied?” he said. He was standing in his kitchen holding a glass of scotch in his hand. He was trying not to think of anything bad. He was trying to remember when the world had seemed easy to live in and if you wanted something you just did it or got it or demanded it. Before he had to run this goddamn business and compromise all day.

  “Are you? That’s the important thing. She’s us, Daniel. It has to be done. Oh, God, I’m so glad you did it.”

  “But not to meet Mother and Daddy. It’s only to be with me and Jessie and you.”

  “Sufficient. I love you.”

  “We’ll see what happens.” He went upstairs and found Jessie and told her everything he was doing and Anna’s part in it and when and where and why it was going to matter to her. Then he drank another scotch and water and settled down to watch “Dallas” on television. He thought of Olivia’s mother and how stoned they had been the day he met her and how young he had been and she had been and how jealous and proud he had been of her with her black hair to her waist and her wide shoulders and her haughtiness and her goddamn pride.

  11

  HAZARDOUS MEETINGS THAT BRIDGE A CONTINENT. Anna was reading a note stuck with masking tape to her refrigerator. STOP LOOKING FOR AN EXTERNAL LOVE BECAUSE IF YOU COULD FIND IT, YOU WOULD WANT TO CONTROL IT, AND IF YOU COULD CONTROL IT, YOU WOULDN’T WANT IT ANYMORE. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OBSESSION AND A LOVE AFFAIR. I wonder if that’s true, she thought. The doorbell was ringing. It was ringing and ringing. Anna walked through the house and opened the front door. A dreary March day, cold gray rain. And there on the doorstep was Jessie, looking frantic. Tall as a tree and beautiful and sixteen years old and frantic.

  “Can I borrow a sweater?” she said. “I don’t have anything to wear.”

  “Of course you have something to wear. Come on in. What’s really bothering you?” But Anna knew the answer to that. Still, maybe she didn’t have anything to wear. Maybe there was nothing that could make a sixteen-year-old girl lo
ok the way she thought she needed to look to go to school in Charlotte, North Carolina, in the year of our insanity, nineteen hundred and eighty-five. “Come on in. Eat breakfast with me.”

  “I can’t. I have to go to school. I’m sorry I bothered you.”

  “You didn’t bother me. But you can’t borrow my clothes anymore either. I promised your father. It’s a bad habit to get into.”

  “I’m going to sing in the choir tonight. Will you come to hear us?”

  “Of course. What time? I’d love it.”

  “At seven thirty.”

  “I’ll be there. Listen, Jessie, people don’t like you because of the clothes you wear. If they do, they aren’t the people you need anyway. That’s one of the reasons why you can’t borrow my clothes.”

  “What’s the other reason?” Jessie sat down on the end of the sofa and pulled her knees up.

  “Because you don’t remember to bring them back and because I promised your father. So what’s going on with you and your dad?”

  “My sister’s coming. You know all about it, don’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

  “Your father didn’t believe it and I didn’t think it was my place. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell everyone the minute I found out. I don’t like secrets. I think they do more harm than good.”

  “You saw her?”

  “Yes. She’s very pretty. She looks like you.”

  “Like me?”

  “Quite a bit like you.”

  “What are we going to tell people around here, when she shows up looking like me and my own age?”

  “The truth. There’s no secret that your dad was married before he married your mom.”

  “But we’re the same age.”

  “I guess you’re like children in a harem then, aren’t you? A new twist in the family myth. Perhaps a coup.”

  Jessie looked away. “What a thing to say. Aunt Anna, you’re terrible.”

  “Then why are you smiling? Why are you trying not to laugh?” Jessie looked up. She giggled, then put her head down into her hands and laughed some more.

  “There could be nine or ten of us, I guess. I told Dad it was okay with me if she comes to see us. I just don’t want to have to introduce her to my friends. Not yet. Not till I get used to this.”

  “Are you going to tell them?”

  “I told MerryLee and Karen. And Connie.”

  “That’s all.” Now it was Anna’s turn to laugh. “I’ll tell you what,” she said. “You can’t borrow anything of mine, but you can have that blue cotton sweater if you really want it and if you’ll keep it clean and not let it end up on the floor.” Jessie threw her arms around Anna and kissed her. “Because,” Anna went on, “and only because you look so beautiful in it that I don’t want it anymore.” Jessie jumped up and ran upstairs to Anna’s room and came down in a few minutes wearing the sweater. She really did look absolutely marvelous in the sweater. “I bought that in London when my luggage was lost in Munich,” Anna said. “It’s perfect. And so are you. I’m glad you came by. Now get on out of here before you’re late to school.”

  “She’s coming the weekend after this one.”

  “I know. Your dad told me. It will be okay, honey. It will work out.”

  “Are you coming to hear me sing?”

  “Yes. I wouldn’t miss it.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you tonight, then. Thanks for the sweater. It’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever had.” She kissed Anna on the cheek, then turned and flew out the door and got into her car. Jesus, Anna thought. She closed the door and went back to her kitchen, Daniel and his children. The unbelievable one who was coming soon and this one, this perfect perfection of a girl, with an ear for music so sublime it made the perfection of her looks seem insignificant. A perfect ear and a perfect body and a perfect face and she can’t even read a book. Anna shook her head. Well, she doesn’t need to read books. Gilding the lily. What was I thinking about when the doorbell rang? What was I going to do?

  She picked up the phone and called the man she loved or was obsessed by. “Meet me in Atlanta for the weekend.”

  “I can’t. You know I can’t do that.”

  “Why did you do this to me?”

  “I did it to myself as well. How are you, apart from all that?”

  “I’m terrible. No, I’m okay. I’m working. And my niece is coming soon, the one I went to see. He finally asked her.”

  “That’s good news. I know you’re glad of that.”

  “I don’t know if I am or not, now that it’s happened. The other one is worried, but I think it will be all right.”

  “Why do we make such mountains out of everything? We’re only human, Anna. We aren’t perfected yet.”

  “I love you. I miss you. I miss you so much.”

  “So do I. It’s all right, though. It’s better this way. You were right about that.”

  “Goodbye. I’m tired of talking to you.”

  “Okay. Goodbye.” She hung up the phone and went upstairs to her workroom and tried to find something she wanted to write. She walked around the room reading things that were pinned to the wall, picking up pieces of paper off the floor, waiting for something to happen, hoping to catch fire. “The trajectory is indeterminate,” she read. “Light presses upon matter and changes it.” “Reality is neither spiritual nor material but rather the invisible organization of energy.”

  Why do I make everyone so unhappy? she was thinking. Why did I tell Daniel he’s afraid? Of course he’s afraid to see her. I would be too if she were mine. He got Jessie away from that bitch, Sheila, but that’s still shaky. If Jessie stops liking what’s going on, she might go to London and live with Sheila. Who do I think I am? What business is it of mine to move back here and start telling all of them that everything they do is wrong? It’s no good to tell people the truth all the time. Leave them alone. Let them go on with their dreaming. I’m going out this afternoon and buy Jessie a useless birthday present to make up for those magazines I gave her for Christmas. It was just like me to send a National Geographic subscription to a child who doesn’t even like to read. That’s exactly like me.

  It was the next day before Anna found time to go to the store. Just as she was leaving the apartment her sister Helen came driving up in an Oldsmobile. She parked carefully inside the lines and got out and locked the door to the car and came walking up on Anna’s porch. All this time she had refused to look at Anna. “What’s wrong?” Anna said. “You look like someone died.”

  “Why did you tell Jessie that she was born in a harem?” Helen stopped on the edge of the porch. She was wearing a little navy blue Chanel suit with Chanel jewelry and a Chanel bag. “Jessie went straight to Mother and Mother is so upset she won’t even call you about it. I don’t believe you did that, Anna. As hard as we are all trying to bring up these children.”

  “Come on in. Where’d you get that suit? Jesus, is that a Chanel?”

  “Yes, it’s a Chanel. I have to keep up appearances around here, Anna. I can’t go around all day in sweat pants.”

  “Like some people you know. Come on in. The suit’s great. I might borrow it the next time I go to New York. I think I rented the mountain house, by the way. To a doctor from Chapel Hill.”

  “Don’t change the subject, Anna.” Anna held open the front door and Helen walked through the living room, trying to ignore the fact that the packing boxes were still piled all over the floor and the sofa cushions stacked on a chair.

  “I’m going to finish moving in as soon as I have time. I keep forgetting about this room.”

  “I could lend you a maid. Mother has Victoria and she has a free day.”

  “Sit down.” They were in the library. Anna settled Helen on the sofa and watched as she put her Chanel bag carefully on the coffee table and crossed her legs just so.

  “What are you smiling at?”

  “At how wonderful you are. My own little sister. My pretty li
ttle Helen.”

  “Why did you tell a sixteen-year-old child that she was born in a harem? It upset her very much, Anna. She went straight to Mother.”

  “And Mother bought her three new blouses to make up for the trauma and forgot all about the fact that she is failing half her subjects at school. Right? I did not tell her she was born in a harem, Helen. I was just trying to put this situation into some kind of historical perspective. This is the human race we are dealing with here. We are not perfected yet. We don’t add up like numbers. We are passionate and idea-driven creatures and the higher the intelligence the slower the rate of maturation. Oh, well, that’s beside the point.” Anna was standing. She sank down into a chair near Helen. “Honey, you can’t go crazy because Daniel has another child. It’s good. It’s a good thing. Jessie is an only child. It’s good for her. Think where we would be if we didn’t have each other. What about when Momma and Daddy die. Jessie needs Olivia the way—”

  “Olivia!”

  “That’s her name and you will like her when you meet her.”

  “I don’t want to meet her. We have enough trouble without you starting all this, Anna. James is in the hospital and DeDe’s up there living with that man and I really wish you wouldn’t do this to us right now.”

  “Let’s go shopping. I need to go out and buy some presents. I was just going when you came.”

  “Well, I won’t keep you.” Helen stood up. Picked up her shiny navy blue Chanel bag. The chains on the bag matched the chain around her neck, a fat thick chain with Coco Chanel’s initials on it.

  “Have you changed your name to Coco then?” Anna was sorry as soon as she said it. “I mean, I heard you wanted a nickname.”

  “What? What are you talking about now?”

  “I wish you wouldn’t leave.”

  “I’m leaving.”

  “I’ll call you for lunch soon. I need to ask you a favor.” Anna walked her sister to the door, then walked her out to the car. Then put her into the car. Then watched her drive away. Wrens were sitting in the branches of the ginkgo trees beside the path that led down to the artificial lake. Anna watched them for a while. It was a brilliant day and she walked down to the water’s edge and watched the ducks for a while and forgot what she had been on her way to do. She kept seeing Helen getting out of the Oldsmobile in her finery and it was so wonderful and endearing and like the ducks and the cool blue of the day and only Anna herself was a stranger to all that wonder and glamour.