Friend Locked (Salt Lake Pumas)

by Camellia Tate

  “Have you told him?” I asked.

  “Of course not.” Dana shook her head. I wasn’t exactly surprised by that as the answer. It didn’t seem like an easy sort of conversation to have. Especially since Matt had been the one who suggested they be friends. Dana’s struggle did feel almost like an echo of some of the thoughts I’d had.

  Not that I was going to tell her that. Even speaking it out loud felt like some friendship-based blasphemy.

  Thankfully, Dana was oblivious to my internal turmoil, too busy dealing with her own. “I just don’t think there’s a good way to go about it, you know? He wants me as a friend and I want him in my life. It’s... what am I meant to do?” she asked with a small sigh.

  My heart went out to her. Reaching across the counter, I gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “I know it’s hard.” We both sighed at almost the same moment, raising the ghost of a smile on Dana’s lips.

  “If you want me to be the sensible friend, I should probably tell you just to call off the whole friendship.” My tone was apologetic. It felt hypocritical even to think about giving Dana the advice to break off her relationship with Matt. No one could understand better than I did how strongly Dana wanted to keep him in her life.

  Pushing my hair back, I carried on. “It might not get easier. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain in the long-run if you tell Matt now that you can’t be friends.”

  A sharp worry flipped my stomach that Dana might ask me how I knew. But she didn’t. Her focus on her own love life was certainly working in my favor. And it wasn’t as if I minded. Dana was a good friend and I hated to see her upset.

  “You’re right. I know you are. But...” And there she gave me a small shrug. I almost laughed. Yeah. Dana didn’t even need to explain, I knew what he meant. “I’m sorry if it’s going to be a recurring theme, me whining to you about Matt,” she apologized but I easily dismissed it with a wave of my hand.

  “I get it,” I assured her. “It’s so difficult to do the sensible thing when it comes to romance.” Dana knew all about my obsession with fictional couples. My favorites were always the ones who’d acted against their better judgment, who’d done things that seemed outrageous because they trusted that love would be worth it.

  So I didn’t mind Dana ‘whining’. Even if it did shine an uncomfortable light on my feelings towards Felix. “I want you to be happy. I just wish I could tell Matt how amazing you are and have it work!”

  At least that got Dana to laugh. She grinned at me over the counter. “Well, he’ll just have to miss out!” she announced, and yes! Maybe that was the better attitude to have. If Matt was too blind to see how great Dana was, then he would just miss out on her.

  “You’re so lucky to have never had such issues with Felix,” Dana sighed and my eyes widened.

  Luckily for me, though, it was that moment that Felix chose to get back, dogs dashing through the house and running to the kitchen to investigate the new person there. It was a good distraction because I was definitely not ready to talk about whether I did or did not have similar issues with Felix.

  I couldn’t even bring myself to think of such things.

  After Dana left, all my energy seemed to empty out of me, leaving me feeling lost and hollow. As good as it had been to talk about Edwina and the winter show, it had reminded me of everything I was missing.

  I still didn’t feel annoyed or angry at Dana. Instead, my heart just yearned for the whole situation to be different. It was an impossible wish, like hoping I could turn back the clock and make everything alright again.

  Usually, when my emotions got too much for me, I would dance. Now, that option wasn’t even open to me. I retreated to my room after dinner. Maybe being around someone else all the time was cutting into the time I’d usually be processing my feelings.

  But sitting alone in Felix’s guest bedroom was boring. And when I started watching YouTube videos of my favorite dancers, my heart gave such a sharp lurch in my chest that it was all I could do to bite back a sob.

  And that was the moment Felix knocked, carrying a plate of cookies.

  “How did you know?” I asked.

  For a moment there was a hesitation in him. Like he was thinking about whether to tell me the truth. But Felix always did. He seemed to remember that, too. Walking over, Felix set the plate down on the bedside table, shrugging one shoulder.

  “I could hear that ‘Take me to Church’ song from my room. It’s your ‘I’m sad but I want to watch beautiful choreography’ song,” he informed me, taking a seat next to me on the bed.

  He wasn’t wrong. “Usually it helps,” I grumbled, reaching for a cookie. “It makes me want to dance. And when I dance, I feel better.” Most people outside the dance community asked me how. Mom had always found it weird that I could dance when I was sad as well as when I was happy.

  But Felix had always understood. He didn’t even need me to finish the thought: that right now, I was feeling sad about not dancing, and there wasn’t even anything I could do to process those feelings.

  “What do normal people do?” I asked, trying to sound light. “Apart from eating cookies.”

  The question made Felix laugh; even when there was so much misery cruising through me, the sound made me smile. It was always nice to make Felix laugh. Equally, he was good at making me laugh, too.

  “I think eating cookies is a big one,” he informed me seriously, reaching to take one of the cookies he’d brought through. As he chewed on it, he gave a thoughtful hum. “I suppose they try to distract themselves in other ways. TV? Games? I can bring the PlayStation up if you want to give shooting things a go?”

  Video games had never really held my interest. Like Felix, I’d much rather be actively doing something than sitting playing a game. But since, right now, sitting was all I was capable of, maybe learning to shoot things was a good idea.

  At the very least, it might get some of my frustration out. “Do you have a game where I can shoot monsters or something? You know, rather than shooting people.” Even though I knew they were only pixels on a screen, I’d feel better about shooting something that didn’t have a person’s face looking at me while I did it!

  Felix chuckled but nodded anyway. “Yeah, I think I can stretch that far,” he grinned. “Hey, maybe we can do some racing games? Obviously, you’re welcome to do shooting games, too. I think I might have a few co-op ones that are shooting monsters.”

  Then it was all a bit of a flurry of cables and moving my TV to plug the PS in. Felix was in and out of my room so much that I almost felt bad that he had to do so much work. But at the same time, Felix also seemed genuinely excited to play videogames with me. It wasn’t something we’d ever done and there weren’t really a lot of things as best friends we hadn’t done.

  “Here, pick something,” he told me, handing me a pile of games to inspect. “There’s lots of different things and later you can go online and see if anything appeals? We can get you more games.”

  I had to give it to Felix, he really did go all in.

  It was a little overwhelming. Knowing that I had Felix to guide me definitely helped. “Let’s try racing,” I decided. “Maybe for once I’ll actually be able to go faster than you!”

  Felix and I had raced loads of times, both on the ice and off, but I couldn’t think of a single time that I’d actually won. “It’ll be pretty funny if the time I beat you is when I’ve got a broken leg.”

  Of course, I didn’t win. The first couple of races I barely even finished, Felix was so far ahead of me.

  But once I got used to the controls, I started to do a little better. “This is fun!” I exclaimed, with some surprise.

  “It is fun.” Felix nodded, giving me a wide smile. He looked so genuinely pleased to have found something for me to do that I liked. That made my stomach twist with affection for him. Felix was a great friend. I needed to remind myself of that, in case my treacherous brain tried to supply me with other information.

  Luckily for me, Felix mi
ght be great at reading my mind about all sorts of things, but this wasn’t one of them. He just loaded a new game, suggesting some different strategies to me. It was nice to follow what he was saying and actually see improvement, even if I was very far from winning.

  “I can teach you to play the NHL video games, too, if you want,” he joked.

  Honestly, it wasn’t something that particularly appealed to me. From what I’d heard about various professional sports games, it was more about the management than about pretending to play the sport.

  “I think that kind of thing is best left to the experts,” I joked back. “You’d never forgive me if I played it and someone other than the Pumas won the Stanley Cup!”

  Leaning into a corner, I finally managed to overtake Felix’s car on the digital track. “Thanks for setting all this up for me,” I said, genuinely appreciative. My evening had gone from miserable solitude to having fun with my best friend. It was the kind of magic that only Felix could work, and I wanted him to know how much it meant to me.

  Even with my eyes focused on the screen, I could see the bright smile that appeared on Felix’s face. It felt like it was illuminating the whole room.

  “You’re very welcome,” he told me genuinely. “I’m always here for when you need to be cheered up, you know that.” And yeah, I did know that. Felix had been my best friend since we were ten for a reason. Even when I didn’t think I could feel cheered up, he somehow managed.

  Overtaking me on the digital race track, Felix grinned. “I’m not going to just let you win, though. You’re going to have to work for it!”

  I laughed, desperately holding the button down to accelerate my car. It didn’t do much good in catching Felix up, but at least this time it didn’t crash into anything!

  We spent the rest of the evening racing each other around. Watching my digital racer perform better and better with every race was satisfying, like finally getting the steps of a dance right.

  And with Felix teasing me with trash talk, it was easy to forget my problems and let myself be cheered up. It was midnight when he finally left, and I had to suppress the part of me that felt Jace sleeping on the end of my bed wasn’t quite as good company as Felix would’ve been.

  Chapter Nine

  Felix

  Christmas was still a few months away, but that didn’t mean that picking the best Christmas gifts couldn’t start now. It was one of those things that maybe fell under the title of ‘adulthood’. Being very prompt with Christmas shopping wasn’t a bad thing, though. It gave me a lot more time to make sure I wrapped stuff.

  Besides, buying Christmas presents for my family and friends was something I really enjoyed. It was fun to pick things that I thought they might like and thankfully, I was in a position where money wasn’t exactly a challenge.

  Browsing ideas for Christmas on the internet was where Jessie found me one evening. I had to give it to her, either she was getting stealthier on the crutches or I was just getting more used to it.

  I already knew that I was getting more used to her being there. Coming home to Jessie was still one of the nicest things about my day, even if I tried not to think about that too much.

  “I’m Christmas shopping,” I informed her in response to her ‘what are you up to?’. It was still a couple of hours before dinner and while there was a game on I could watch, it wasn’t for at least another thirty minutes. So Christmas shopping had seemed as good an activity as any.

  Dropping onto the couch beside me, Jessie leaned her crutches up against the arm-rest. “Oh, yeah,” she said, as if the very idea of Christmas had surprised her. “You do your shopping online?”

  At my questioning look, she shrugged. “I usually go to the mall. But I guess that’s kind of out of the question this year.” Before I could say that if Jessie wanted to go to the mall, I’d find a way to make it happen, she waved me off. “It’s fine. I just… never really know where to start with online shopping.”

  Shuffling closer, she watched my screen over my shoulder. “Who are you shopping for now?” she asked, then grinned. “Is it me?”

  “No, it’s not you,” I laughed. I actually had never struggled to find a Christmas gift for Jessie. Even as kids, when I’d been buying Christmas presents out of my allowance, I’d always found it easy to shop for Jessie. It was everyone else who was a challenge.

  Pushing the laptop closer to her so Jessie could see the screen, I clicked through yet another site’s ‘for her’ section. “My mom,” I answered. “I normally browse through the ‘for her’ and ‘for him’ gift idea sections. That’s where I start,” I explained. “Sometimes that gives me ideas. I prefer online shopping, it feels less... loud?”

  Jessie hummed. Loud had never really been a problem for her; she even seemed to enjoy it, if her cheerleading was any indication. “I guess that’s about the same as window shopping,” she agreed. “I do order things online sometimes, but it’s usually something that I saw in person that I wanted in a different size or a different color.”

  She watched as I clicked through to the next page, the images loading quickly. “Your mom doesn’t really seem like a bath salts and candles kind of mom,” Jessie observed. “But her hands must suffer from being outside and working with the animals in all kinds of weather. What about some nice hand cream?”

  “Ooh, that’s a good idea,” I praised. It really was a good idea. “I knew asking you would be smart.” The joke was followed by a small nudge against Jessie’s arm. It was true, she was a good person to ask. Jessie knew my parents almost as well as either me or my siblings did. Maybe a little differently, but my mom and dad had always treated Jessie as a family member.

  The thought made me smile. Having her spend Christmas with us this year, it would almost be like she was family. The thought left me feeling nice and warm, content in a way I didn’t dare to question.

  “I’ll definitely add hand cream to my list,” I said instead, opening the app on my phone that was specifically designed for Christmas gift lists. At Jessie’s raised eyebrow, I shrugged. “I like technology.”

  “So who else do we have to buy presents for?” Jessie asked. The way it had become a ‘we’, both of us buying gifts together, made me smile. Since she was staying with us, Jessie would probably buy my family presents from her, too. I trusted that she had enough ideas to go around.

  With a thoughtful expression, Jessie drummed her fingers on her plaster cast. “Your sister, right?” she asked. “I would say something about entomology, but I doubt there’s anything we could find that she didn’t already know about.”

  “I mean, I’m going to need more than a hand cream for my mom,” I pointed out. “But yes, Paisley. She can be hard to buy for. I mean, the bug stuff is the obvious choice.” Paisley did love bugs, it was her job, but I always tried to be at least a little more original about it. “It has to be something she can easily take back to Indonesia as well,” I added.

  Finding the right sort of present could be pretty challenging, but it was also kind of fun. Or at least, so I thought. A bit like a puzzle, trying to figure out exactly what was the best choice.

  “Maybe clothes?” I suggested. “A dress? I mean, I would need your help with that. I’m not sure I’d know how to pick a dress that would be a good gift.”

  Jessie nodded, continuing to focus on the screen as I moved through yet more pages of gifts ‘for her’. “Maybe not a dress,” she said slowly. “It’s so hard to buy the right size when you’re shopping online. And she’s not really going to have time to send it back if it doesn’t fit.”

  I hadn’t considered that. When buying for myself, I was satisfied as long as clothes were roughly the right size, but I knew that shopping for women’s clothes was harder.

  “So maybe something that will fit anyone,” Jessie carried on. “Like… socks?” She didn’t sound particularly convinced.

  That made me snort. “I don’t think socks are going to count as particularly inventive,” I commented. Yes, everyone ne
eded socks, but it felt like quite a copout present. Paisley would definitely expect more, too. I was usually good at picking things, socks were not going to cut it.

  “Maybe not clothes, then.” I shrugged. The main reason I’d suggested it was because it felt easy to transport. “What else would be easy for her to take back? Something light, but also something she can have when she’s there and enjoy it.”

  So not, in essence, something for traveling, but rather something that would be easy to travel with.

  “Maybe make-up?” Jessie suggested. “I don’t know what is available in Indonesia, but there’s loads of Instagram celebrities who do their own make-up palettes now.” At my blank look, Jessie laughed. “It’s like… an artist’s set but with make-up instead of paint,” she explained.

  Honestly, I had no idea whether Paisley even wore make-up. “I’ve seen her wear some funky-colored eyeshadows,” Jessie carried on, unconsciously answering my question before I’d even asked it. “And they’re pretty flat and light, so they wouldn’t take up a lot of room in her suitcase. You could even get her a few different ones. If she doesn’t like them all, she can always leave them behind.”

  “And they’re a good present?” I was a little skeptical. It wasn’t like I’d ever bought anyone make-up before but I wasn’t so uneducated that I didn’t know make-up could be expensive. So at least that seemed like a reasonable thing to buy so Paisley wouldn’t have to spend money on it herself.

  Jessie nodded. “Definitely! I’d be pleased if someone gave me a bunch of different palettes to play with. Even if I didn’t know the celebrities, I’d have fun just experimenting with all the different colors.”

  That sounded pretty good, so I made a note in my app. I’d probably have to ask Jessie for specific links later. I did not trust my own ability to find the right kind of Instagram celebrity. The only accounts I followed were hockey players and former hockey players, and they didn’t seem like the kind to design make-up.