“Felix doesn’t want to have sex with Jessie, but he does want her to be his girlfriend in basically every other way,” Paisley explained. It was very much her version of the conversation we’d had.
“That’s not--” I started but before I could finish, Harley interrupted me.
“So you do want to have sex with her?” he asked and now all of Paisley’s attention was on me, too.
I couldn’t even properly remember what it was we’d talked about when I told her about how things had been, but I did remember insisting that it wasn’t about sex. And it still wasn’t. But I also wasn’t sure I could say that I hadn’t thought about…
“Oh my God, you do!” Paisley exclaimed. “Why don’t you just ask her out?”
And maybe that was a fair question but things didn’t feel that easy.
“She’s my best friend!” I argued. “She’s... practically family.” Jessie was literally out picking our parents up from the airport.
“All the more reason,” Paisley insisted. “She’s already practically our sister-in-law. You might as well make it official!”
Something in my stomach squirmed at the way Paisley phrased it, but it was hard to tell exactly what that meant.
Before I could untangle my own feelings, Harley interrupted. “Asking her out won’t make her family,” he pointed out. “But it would make her your girlfriend, if that’s what you want. And if she says yes.”
And if she says yes.
That was part of the problem, right?
I had no idea if Jessie would say yes. I tried to imagine what it would be like if the tables were reversed. If she was the one to ask me out. Even though I would say yes, I think at first it’d be a shock.
She was my best friend.
She’d been my best friend since the day we met. I’d never had a friend as good as Jessie. Dating her... could be the best thing ever. And it could also be the worst and end our friendship.
That was the fear.
“She must be worth the risk,” Paisley pointed out and my thoughts stopped racing, focusing on that instead.
Jessie was worth everything.
But that was also what stopped me from entertaining thoughts that might lead to any unhappiness for her.
When I didn’t say anything, Paisley sighed, turning to our brother. “Felix wants to get another dog and someone on his team told him he’s just filling a hole,” she informed me, making Harley snort.
“Hey, getting a dog is a perfectly legitimate wish!” I argued. Again.
“Sure,” Harley agreed, earning a smile and a nod from me. He was a good brother, supporting me in my desire to adopt dogs that had nothing to do with Jessie moving out.
“It’s legitimate the first, like, four times,” he added, ruining all my goodwill toward him. Seeing my face morph into a frown, he just laughed.
“Oh, come on, Felix! Do you know anyone who has a full-time job that also has five dogs?”
“I have a huge house and plenty of money to support five dogs!” I argued. Of course, the truth was that no, I didn’t know anyone with that many dogs and a full-time job that wasn’t somehow linked to dogs in the first place. But we managed pretty well.
Yeah, sometimes I had to pay quite a lot to dog walkers but I could afford it!
“I just want to give a dog a home for Christmas,” I muttered. “Why does everyone think it’s about Jessie?” And maybe somewhere deep down, I could see everyone’s point but... Maybe a dog would make me feel better? Wasn’t that worth giving a shot, at least?
“Because it is.” Paisley’s answer was exactly no help. Just because she was convinced she understood my problems, didn’t mean she was right. “Nobody is saying that you wouldn’t give a dog a good home,” she added, softening her tone a little.
Harley nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Your dogs are all lucky to live with you! It’s just that if it is about Jessie -”
“And it is,” Paisley interrupted, snorting when Harley and I both turned to frown at her.
“If it is, then a dog won’t really fix the problem for you,” Harley explained.
They obviously had a point. I understood that. But there wasn’t an easy fix, not as far as I could see anyway. Still, I didn’t bother saying as much. Even without telling my siblings as much, the answer would be clear - just ask her out. But it wasn’t that simple.
Thankfully, it was then that Jessie and my parents arrived, the house going into a flurry of ‘hellos’ and the dogs barking excitedly at seeing their grandparents. It distracted everyone from the conversation we were having.
Still, it was hard not to think about what my siblings had said. Every time Jessie smiled at me, every time she offered to help me with something. We cooked dinner together like a great team because we were a great team.
But was the risk worth it?
She was, sure.
But losing her would be the worst thing that could happen to me.
And that was a risk I was less willing to take.
Despite what my siblings thought, despite what anyone thought, my wish to get another dog was not to do with Jessie. At least, that was what I kept telling myself. All I wanted was to give a dog a home for Christmas.
Luckily for me, a quick Google search revealed that there were actually a few shelters open. The original plan had been to get a new dog after Christmas, but the more I thought about it, the worse I felt some of the poor puppers not getting adopted this Christmas.
I wouldn’t say that I snuck out of my own house, but when telling this story later, my siblings would definitely describe it as such.
While Paisley and Harley knew where I was going, I avoided telling Jessie. Thankfully, she was distracted by telling my parents about her recovery and praising how helpful I’d been. It made my stomach flip, but reinforced the wish to... well.
This wasn’t running away.
I was just going to go get a dog for Christmas. That wasn’t at all what running away was.
At least, I was pretty sure.
Either way, the shelter was excited to see me, even if they did seem a little concerned at first that I might be looking for a dog just for Christmas. After my assurances, and pictures of the dogs I already had, they were happy to show me around.
“Just take your time, there’s little descriptions of them next to the kennels,” Susanne, the woman working today, told me before letting me into the section with the dogs. She assured me that none of them were too challenging, most were just a little old.
It was sad that people didn’t want older dogs. I couldn’t imagine giving up a dog just because you couldn’t be bothered with it. Then again, I also couldn’t imagine not being bothered with a dog.
What would be the true challenge, I realized as I walked past the cages, was to not adopt all of the dogs. It was a similar challenge that I’d faced with Pammy and Edgar. But they’d come to me as puppies.
Maybe if I waited, there’d be puppies in the shelter after Christmas. Sadly there were a lot of people who got dogs for just Christmas. But while puppies were fun, giving an older dog a home would be fun, too.
“But how do I not take all of you home?” I pondered out loud. A couple of the dogs barked as if in response, but there was one that caught my eyes.
It didn’t bark in response but rather just sat down, almost dejected. When I approached it, the dog seemed kind of confused, like no one usually came to see it. In a way, it didn’t surprise me. It looked sad.
Reaching for the little description card next to its cage, I learned that he was a he.
“Rudolph,” I read out loud and gave the black alsatian a look. “That’s a very Christmassy name,” I informed the dog; he looked a little like it might be frowning at me.
The card informed me that Rudolph was eight years old and that he’d been at the shelter for over a year. A year! It broke my heart a little. A whole year of seeing other dogs get adopted.
“Do you think you’d want a home for Christm
as, Rudolph?” I asked, kneeling down to look at the dog. “Not just for Christmas,” I clarified. “You must see a lot of dogs come back after Christmas. But that’s not me. I’d have you forever. I already have four dogs, they’re all border collies, but I think you could get on.”
Rudolph tilted his head at me as if to consider my offer.
“My siblings think that I only want to get a dog because of Jessie.” It seemed only fair to tell Rudolph this if he would let me adopt him. He needed the full picture to make that choice, obviously. “Jessie’s my best friend.”
After a moment, I gave a small sigh. “She’s been living with me for the past two months, you see. Jessie broke her leg so I was helping her. And... it was really nice. Not her broken leg, that bit sucked. But it was nice to have her around so much. Coming home to her... it felt good. In a way that I hadn’t known it could, you know?”
Rudolph seemed to nod like he actually did know. It made me wonder what his seven years before the shelter had been like. “Anyway, Jessie’s leg healed. Which is obviously awesome! But.” But it did suck. It wasn’t until I’d started talking that the ache in my heart reminded me just how much it sucked.
“I miss her.”
And yeah. I did.
Which was stupid because we spoke every day. She was spending Christmas with me and my family! Yet, I missed having her in my space. I missed having her cuddled up against me as we watched foreign dramas. I missed holding her when I slept.
A dog was never going to replace that. Nor did I want it to.
Maybe if it wasn’t for missing Jessie, I wouldn’t be looking for a new dog. I could admit that, at least to myself.
“But you wouldn’t be replacing her,” I promised Rudolph. “I mean, you do look nice but I doubt you’d cook me my favorite foods when I lose a game. Or secretly put fabric softener in with my washing to make all my clothes smell slightly like a summer breeze. I bet you wouldn’t even bake me protein cookies.
“However, you could definitely be part of my family,” I told Rudolph. “You aren’t going to be a replacement, because nothing and no one could ever replace Jessie.”
And that was the biggest problem of them all.
If I lost her, what would I even do?
Rudolph barked then, startling me from my thoughts.
“Is that a ‘yes’?” I asked but he barked again, looking straight past me. Frowning, I turned my head and there she was.
“Jessie,” I breathed.
Chapter Eighteen
Jessie
Spending the days before Christmas with Felix’s family made me ache. His parents were so happy together, so affectionate with each other. They could barely pass in the hall without brushing a hand against one another, as if they just enjoyed the physical reassurance that their other half was there.
And Felix’s siblings were as close to me as my own! Talking to Paisley about bugs and make-up palettes came so naturally, while Harley teased me as if he’d known me all his life. And he almost had.
After an evening of laughing and happiness and love, I had to drive back to my own apartment. It felt cold and empty with only me rattling around in it. The friends I shared it with had all gone to see their families for Christmas.
Originally, the plan had been that I would stay at Felix’s house. He had enough beds, but with my emotions all over the place, I didn’t feel as if I could risk it. I’d be up all night, crying my heart out over being so lonely and so selfish!
Not that crying my heart out in my own bed felt very much better.
It was Felix’s mom who gave me the idea. After we’d talked all about my recovery and how great Felix had been during it, we’d started talking about what Christmas had been like for his parents when they were newly-weds. Before they’d had kids, they hadn’t lived in a big house, and Felix’s mom had laughed about how she’d had to talk his dad down every year to stop him racing off after Christmas to adopt one of the puppies they used to advertise on the television.
That was what put it into my head! There would be so many sad, lonely dogs at the shelter today. Dogs who hadn’t been adopted because people were more interested in the tiny cuteness of puppies.
My apartment wasn’t very big, but it could fit a small dog. And if I had something to go home to, I wouldn’t have to resist the urge to drive to Felix’s house rather than my own. I’d have no choice but to spend my nights in my apartment, because there’d be a dog there who needed me!
Being needed by a dog who’d love me unconditionally was just what I needed to give myself as a Christmas gift.
I tried to wait until Felix came home, but he was away for ages. Finally, I decided just to leave Felix’s family to it. After all, I wasn’t his girlfriend, we weren’t sharing hosting duties. I was another guest, it wouldn’t be rude for me to leave if I had things to do.
Excitement bubbled inside me as I made my way to the shelter. I’d always wanted a dog. The only reason I hadn’t got one was because I considered Edgar, Pammy, Jace, and Damson to be practically mine. In reality, they belonged to Felix. If - when - he got a girlfriend, she wouldn’t want me over all the time.
Getting my own dog was just smart. I had to convince Susanne, who worked at the shelter, that I really was capable of looking after a dog, even if this decision was a little impetuous. When I showed her pictures on my phone of Felix’s dogs, explaining that I helped to walk and feed them all the time, Susanne seemed convinced. She gave me a sideways kind of smile before directing me through to the dogs.
“There’s only one other person here at the moment,” she assured me. “Take your time.” Her eyes glittered before she turned away, leaving me frowning slightly.
Maybe she was just happy to think one of the dogs would be adopted this Christmas!
As I walked quietly down past the dogs, pausing to let them all sniff my hand, I heard the murmur of voices ahead of me. Or no, not voices, just one. A guy, I thought. He seemed to be having quite a long conversation, so I hung back, even though all the dogs I’d seen so far were too big for my apartment. I didn’t want to make anyone feel awkward!
Crouching down, I stroked the wide, wet nose of the nearest dog, glancing up when I thought I heard my name. But no, I must have been imagining things. Unless one of the dogs was also called Jessie! I giggled at that, thinking about how funny it would be if I adopted a dog called Jessie.
The voice continued to murmur, saying something about Christmas.
“Jessie’s my best friend.”
My eyes widened, my heart giving a thump against my ribs so loud I was surprised the dogs couldn’t hear it. Getting to my feet, I crept forward, cheeks flaming. I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but it almost sounded like Felix. And what were the chances two men would sound so alike, who both liked dogs and both had best friends called Jessie?
“Anyway, Jessie’s leg healed. Which is obviously awesome! But.” I strained my ears, trying to make out each individual word over the background snuffling and prowling of the dogs.
“I miss her.”
Part of me wanted to run forward then, wrap my arms around Felix and tell him that I missed him too! But if he only missed me as a friend… And he must mean that, because he hadn’t even batted an eyelid when I’d made him cookies, or at any of the other hints I’d tried to drop into our conversations.
“But you wouldn’t be replacing her,” Felix continued. “I mean, you do look nice but I doubt you’d cook me my favorite foods when I lose a game. Or secretly put fabric softener in with my washing to make all my clothes smell slightly like a summer breeze. I bet you wouldn’t bake me protein cookies.”
I hadn’t even known that Felix had noticed all those things! Sure, he thanked me for cooking or for doing his laundry, but he never said anything about the way I took extra care over meals for him and chores for him.
“However, you could definitely be part of my family. You aren’t going to be a replacement, because nothing and no one could ever replace Jessie.”
“Jessie?”
My recovering leg felt like it would hardly bear my weight, making me stumble slightly. Felix reached out automatically to catch me, his hand under my elbow and his broad, muscular chest suddenly inches from me.
“I’m sorry.” My head was swimming. I shouldn’t have overheard any of that! But now I had, and everything Felix had said was just as true for me.
“I miss you too, Felix.”
Our bodies were so close that I could feel Felix’s intake of breath. He smelled so good, too. A tumult of feelings swept through me. I was sure he must have been able to hear how fast my heart was beating.
Felix’s hand didn’t move away from my arm. Instead, his other hand came to settle against my hip. It was... close. Suddenly, all of the memories of us sharing the bed together flooded over me.
“You’re here,” Felix said, making me give a small, startled laugh. It was kind of stating the obvious but he didn’t seem to care. Nor did Felix relax his hand or step back. Instead, he stayed close. If anything, Felix moved in even closer to me.
“I was…” I bit my lip, all my fears and doubts rising in me like a tidal wave of anxiety. But Felix was here, and if he really meant what he said, if he really believed that nobody could replace me, then he wouldn’t let this end our friendship. Even if he didn’t feel the same, we would find a way to overcome this together.
My cheeks glowed even warmer as I stared up into his eyes. “I was going to adopt a dog, because my apartment is so lonely,” I said in a rush. “Because I miss you so much when I have to go home by myself. I thought a dog would help.”
Whatever reaction I had expected, and really I had no idea what that was, Felix giving a surprised laugh was not it. At least there was no doubt in my mind that he wasn’t laughing at me. If anything, I recognized his laugh as one that he often used to laugh at himself.
Friend Locked (Salt Lake Pumas) Page 17