“Everyone’s convinced I want to get a new dog to fill a Jessie-shaped hole in my life,” he told me. “But it’s... I do miss you. Fuck. More than I knew I could when we still talk every day,” Felix admitted, his tone softer now.
That softness made my heart ache. I wanted to protect Felix from anything that might ever make him sad. If there was a Jessie-shaped hole in his life now, I wanted to fill it for him! But there was still the problem of what I wanted. Just being Felix’s friend wasn’t everything, though if he didn’t want me, it would have to be enough.
“I miss living with you,” I repeated. “But I think… I think it’s more than that. I miss how we were when I was living with you. How we could be closer than we’ve been before. It made me realize -”
I swallowed, gathering my nerve and trying to solidify it so it would give me the courage not to stop. “It made me realize I’ve had feelings for you for a long time.”
My heart seemed to have frozen in time, beats waiting for Felix to say something. He was still so close, his hand still against my side. That must have been a good sign, right? But all I had was hope.
And then, it felt like my heart was ready to break out of my chest how fast it started to beat. Felix, though, seemed determined to catch it.
Taking a step closer, and truthfully, I was surprised there even was closer, he breathed in softly. I didn’t know what he might say but before I even had a chance to guess, Felix’s lips were upon mine.
His kiss was gentle. His tongue brushed over my lips as if to learn their contours. He felt warm and so much like everything I had hoped for. But also not. It felt as if everything around us ceased to exist.
I wrapped my arm around him, pressing my body against his. Heat sizzled along my spine, swirling around in my stomach until I felt almost giddy with it. This was so, so much better than just being friends!
If I thought that cuddling Felix felt good, it was nothing compared to this kiss. He tasted sweet and spicy, like home, but a masculine, male version of home that made my head spin.
Nothing could have made me pull away from that kiss. Not until Felix’s dog friend gave a bark that sounded so triumphant that I had to laugh.
“He thinks he did this,” I said, my lips still tingling with the imprint of Felix’s mouth on mine. In a way, I guessed the dog had been responsible. “Does he have a name?”
Felix looked behind him at the dog, but he didn’t pull his hand away from where it was sat against my side. It made warmth settle low in my stomach, the knowledge that he wanted to keep touching me.
“You’re not going to believe it,” Felix informed me and of course that just raised my curiosity. With his free hand, he reached out to pet the dog’s head. “This is Rudolph,” Felix said. “Rudolph, this is Jessie, I’ve told you about her,” he added with a small grin.
Without moving from where I was pressed against Felix, I smiled down at Rudolph. “Hey, boy,” I greeted, reaching out one hand to let him get acquainted with my scent. “Thanks for listening to Felix today. He needed someone to talk to that wasn’t me.”
Glancing up, I caught the tail end of Felix’s fond smile. It made my heart turn over in my chest. This was really happening! As much as I wanted to keep kissing Felix and never stop, it was probably important that we talk.
“Your house is full of people,” I said, teeth grazing my lower lip. “Shall we stay here for a bit longer?”
“With all the dogs?” Felix asked before grinning. “I mean, I could be convinced.” He leaned down to press another kiss against my lips but when he pulled back, there was a frown against Felix’s brow. “Did I hear you right? You were going to adopt a dog? Without telling me?”
The sheer surprise in that question made me laugh. Of course, that would be what Felix was scandalized by. Never mind that we were admitting to having more feelings for each other than just friendship. It was the dog thing he wanted to talk about.
“That only surprises you because it’s a dog,” I pointed out. Felix had known me long enough to know that sometimes I made decisions by myself. I found it easier than trying to keep my own wants in mind with everyone else offering their own opinion.
I shrugged slightly. “It was a spur of the moment decision,” I admitted. “I couldn’t face going home alone one more time.”
But now, going home alone didn’t feel so unbearable. Sure, it would still be lonely in my flat, but the greater loneliness of feeling more for Felix than he felt for me had vanished.
“Come on,” I urged, “Let’s sit here and I’ll tell you all about it. Susanne said we can take as long as we like.”
Once we settled against the wall, Rudolph eyed us for a moment before laying down, his big head just touching Felix’s outstretched foot.
Maybe some people would think it was weird to have an important conversation in the middle of a dog shelter. But for Felix and I, it felt weirdly normal.
Chapter Nineteen
Felix
OCTOBER 14TH, 2018
Both Jace and Damson absolutely loved to be in a video call whenever Jessie and I talked. They were great dogs, two border collies who could play together for hours. Their desire to be in front of a camera was a little concerning. I’d never met animals so eager to video call anyone.
“Yes, yes, let me answer the call,” I muttered when they both scuttled closer to the computer screen when it rang. Clicking the green button, Jessie’s face popped up, and both of the dogs gave very energetic barks. “Hi, Jessie,” I called over it. “We’re all very pleased to see you!” I joked.
Jessie had visited recently, auditioning for a job here in Salt Lake City! I was obviously very hopeful that she had got it and this phone call would tell me. She didn’t look sad, so that was a good start.
“Hi, Damson! Hi, Jace!” I pouted, knowing that Jessie was greeting the dogs before me on purpose. She grinned, pushing her hair out of her face, her sparkly nail varnish catching the light. “Hi to you, too, Felix!”
She reached out, lifting a hand to steady the screen. It was hard for her to see Jace and Damson and not be able to pet them. But she’d gotten used to it, and I gave them as much attention as I could to make up for the fact Jessie couldn’t.
“I got the job!” she squealed, as if she’d been holding it in since before the call even started. “They want me to move to Salt Lake before the end of next month!”
“Oh my God! That’s amazing!” I exclaimed, the dogs barking, too. “That’s such great news, Jessie!!” And it really was! We obviously got to hang out a bit over summer and Jessie visited me, but that wasn’t the same as living in the same city. With her moving here, we could hang out all the time!
Once I’d managed to quieten the dogs, I returned to the call. “Congratulations! I’m really proud of you, Jessie.” She’d worked hard for this, to be a part of a dance troupe was pretty awesome. Made even more so by them being here! “Do you have a date? I’ll get the house ready! Have you got a lot of stuff?”
Jessie laughed. “How much do you really need to get the house ready for me to stay for a couple of weeks?” she asked. “It’s not like I don’t do that at least twice a year already.” And it was true, Jessie stayed at my place whenever she could get time off from work.
“I don’t have a date yet. I think I have to give a month’s notice on my apartment, and obviously, it’ll be easier to move my stuff straight into a new place than to move it to yours and then again from there.”
“Or in here?” I suggested. “You don’t have to look for somewhere to live in Salt Lake when I have a whole house! And the dogs would love it. I’ll charge you rent and everything, I know you wouldn’t let me not do.” Otherwise, obviously, I wouldn’t. I wanted Jessie to come live here! We’d never done that before and it seemed like it’d be fun.
Besides, she hardly needed to get a whole new place when I had the space. There were plenty of rooms, I’d even be happy to convert part of the garage into a dance studio or whatever she needed. Jessie ha
d picked this house, I was sure she could live here!
“Ohhh.” From the way Jessie’s nose wrinkled under her freckles, it seemed like she wasn’t sure. “I mean, that’s very sweet, Felix, but we’re not teenagers.” Before I could ask what that had to do with it, Jessie carried on. “I mean, we’re both adults. We need to have our own places to live.”
I still didn’t see why, and Jessie laughed. “I mean, come on. How are you going to explain to your next girlfriend that as well as two dogs, she also has to deal with your best female friend living in the same house?”
While I supposed that I could see her point, it still made me wrinkle my nose. I’d never particularly minded not having a girlfriend, so if that was what it took, then it’d be okay. Except, Jessie would never let me get away with that. To her, it’d be this thing she was affecting for me, whether that was the case or not.
Still, we could’ve made this work! “Are you sure?” I asked. “I mean, it’d be really cool to live together!” There wasn’t, however, a lot of sense within me that I was somehow going to manage to convince Jessie. “You’ll at least stay here while you look? And maybe pick something close by so we can run together?”
It’d be a lie to say I wasn’t disappointed, but having Jessie closer was better than nothing, even if she didn’t want to live with me.
The brightness of Jessie’s smile did help me not feel quite so bad about it. If she was happy, I was happy. That was the way the two of us had always worked. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford something really close,” Jessie answered. That was fair, my NHL salary paid for a lot more house than most people my age who weren’t professional hockey players.
“But it will be a lot closer than Texas,” Jessie pointed out. “Or Illinois. We’ll be close enough to see each other every week! And I’ll come to as many of your games as I can.”
Now, that did make me beam back. My parents came out sometimes and Jessie tried to catch any games nearby, but this would be much better. She’d also get to know my teammates more; mixing those friendships would be fun. But I couldn’t deny that the idea of having Jessie live with me had sounded nice. My house wasn’t too big, but it was definitely big.
Still, I got that she wanted to find her own way. I’d probably dampen her game or something. “Let me at least help you with a deposit for somewhere?” I asked hopefully. That way she might be able to afford somewhere at least nice if not close to me! “You can pay me back,” I rushed to add, even though I hardly needed that.
She pursed her lips, one hand jiggling her laptop screen a little as she thought. Jessie usually let me pay when we went out to dinner, but actually taking a loan from me was a little different.
“Do you think our friendship can take that?” she asked, a little teasingly. “They always say you shouldn’t borrow money from a friend. I don’t want to say yes if it might mean us not being as close!”
“Ha ha,” I said dryly. “If you think you’d get rid of me that easily, you’ve got another think coming!” Nothing would ruin our friendship. We’d been best friends for fourteen years, we’d managed to keep our friendship going long distance, our track record was excellent.
Over the internet, I could see Jessie’s smile soften. She’d always been very good at telling exactly what I was thinking. “You’ll think about it?” I asked, since that was probably more reasonable than demanding she just take my money.
“Yeah, I will,” she agreed. “I’ll even give you a chance to talk me into it - once I’ve worked out what my price range is going to be.” Jessie often made decisions on her own, so giving me an opportunity to present my case was a pretty big deal. She still might decide not to borrow from me, but at least I’d have the chance to tell her all the reasons why she shouldn’t let money stop her from having the home she wanted.
Leaning back, Jessie grinned at me through the screen. “I’m so excited! I can’t believe I actually got a job in Salt Lake City. It’ll make seeing you and Hannah so much easier.”
“But mostly me,” I informed her with a grin. Jessie laughed but I was sure she would agree that seeing me was more important than seeing Hannah. I proceeded to ask her more questions about the audition even though she’d already told me loads, and more about what she thought the other dancers would be like. It was exciting to think that before long we’d be having these conversations in person.
Of course, it would have been even better if Jessie had agreed to live with me, but maybe I’d just get another dog instead. Dogs fixed all things, after all.
PRESENT DAY
Going to the shelter to get a dog had gone very differently than I expected.
Jessie and I were sitting on some blankets against a wall in the dog shelter. The dogs had settled now and Rudolph’s head rested against my foot. It was almost like they all wanted to hear what we’d talk about. And who could blame them? There had to be so much.
It felt amazing to be able to pull Jessie against my body and not worry that it might be misunderstood. Or, in fact, understood just right. I couldn’t believe that this was really happening, but yet, here we were.
“So,” I started, but then stopped.
What was I meant to say now? We’d kissed. That was a pretty good sign that things might be good for us? Or end in disaster. There was still that possibility, too.
“I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Jessie,” I told her gently. “Like if this... God, I want this so much, too. You’re my favorite person. Ever. I’m so worried that I might lose you if things don’t work out between us.”
But that worry had mostly been related to thinking that Jessie might not be interested. She seemed pretty interested.
She shifted against me, moving so she could still rest her body against mine but could also look up to see my face. Her smile was so familiar that I could feel it all the way to my toes. If I concentrated only on that smile, it was as if all my worries vanished into nothing.
“I won’t lose you as a friend,” she said, tipping her head so that her jaw stuck out slightly. It made her look determined, like she’d given this a lot of thought and had decided that keeping me as a friend was important to her.
Jessie reached up, hand squeezing gently at my bicep. “If this all goes weird and we can’t make it work as a couple, we’ll just have to go back to being friends,” she informed me. “But I don’t think it will go weird. It didn’t feel weird when I was living with you.”
It hadn’t, I nodded.
Having Jessie live with me had been some of the nicest time that I’ve had in that house. And I adopted four dogs into that house, so the bar was pretty high. Jessie, though, made everything that bit better.
Thinking of us as a couple was something, too. I could feel a flurry of butterflies sweep through my stomach. We could do this. Together.
“It really was so nice to have you to come home to. I didn’t really know how to tell you. And then we started sharing a bed and that was even nicer. I’ve missed being close to you so much. Way more than in a friendly way.”
A flush of pleasure stained Jessie’s cheeks, making the butterflies start a whole new routine in the pit of my stomach. Jessie had always been pretty, but that prettiness had never had a direct line to my heart the way it seemed to do right now.
“I was afraid to even mention sharing a bed in case you’d stop,” Jessie admitted. It was a feeling that I recognized; I’d been afraid to draw attention to anything more than friendship between us in case it made Jessie uncomfortable enough to stop.
She smiled softly. “But then I made you those cookies, and you seemed to think that was perfectly normal! So I thought you couldn’t be interested in me.”
That made me frown.
“The cookies were nice?” I said, though it came out as more of a question. The cookies had been very nice but I wasn’t really following how that meant that I couldn’t be interested in Jessie. “I would eat them again,” I offered.
If the cookies had been some sort of a cove
r message then, yes, I had definitely failed to understand. “I thought you were just being nice.”
“I was being nice,” Jessie agreed. “I was trying to be, you know, girlfriend nice rather than friend nice. They were even called forbidden kisses!” While I frowned over that, Jessie’s hand crept up to my cheek, pulling me down so she could press her lips against mine.
Any thoughts of cookies rushed out of my brain as I kissed Jessie back, learning the way she parted her lips to let me, and the way her short hair tickled at the sides of my face.
After a while, she pulled back, giving a quiet giggle. “I guess it doesn’t matter if you didn’t get it,” she said. “As long as you get it now.”
“Well, your kisses aren’t that forbidden now, are they?” I teased. “And I think maybe it would have worked better as a sign if you weren’t such a great friend that I thought you’d make me cookies just because.”
Jessie shook her head at that, but I didn’t give her the chance to argue back. Not when I could kiss her again. There really was nothing forbidden about the kisses we shared. Her body melted into mine as my tongue licked its way into Jessie’s mouth.
Rudolph gave a small groan then, making me laugh against Jessie’s lips. Pulling back, I looked at the dog. “I think he’s bored with all the kissing,” I commented.
“I’m not,” Jessie countered, the spot of pink on each cheek glowing even brighter. But she let me go, twisting in my arms so she could look at Rudolph, who gave a low whine.
From where she was sitting, Jessie couldn’t quite reach his nose to stroke him, so I gave it a light bop with my foot, instead. “Maybe he just wants to know what’s going to become of him,” Jessie suggested. “I really think you have to adopt him now, Felix. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be fair.”
After having so many people tell me that wanting to adopt a fifth dog was crazy, to hear someone say that I had to get one made me laugh. At Jessie’s quizzical look, I explained.
Friend Locked (Salt Lake Pumas) Page 18