A Frosty Mug of Murder

by Constance Barker

  Guardrail ignored me. “Well, then you’ll need some lookouts, at a minimum.” He pointed at Piper and me. “This is going to take more than just you two.”

  I folded my arms. “I haven’t agreed to this dimwitted plan and y’all need to stop and think about what you’re suggesting!”

  Dog Breath said, “We are. We always help the police. They only have one Sheriff and two deputies. They always rely on us locals to help them.”

  “Mae told me the state police were coming to help. And I don’t want to interfere or destroy any evidence.”

  Digger eagerly added. “We’ll be careful. And if we find anything, we’ll give it to them straight away.”

  I wasn’t convinced. “Why would we discover anything they didn’t already find?”

  Lily responded. “Because you found the body and know about Elias, silly. Don’t you remember? You know about his strong motives, but the police may not know that. It means something in there that seems unimportant might take on new meaning with the revelations Elias owes a lot of money to someone, and got twice as much if Donna died now and not later.”

  “I am not certain about this ...”

  Guardrail interrupted. “I'm pretty sure the police have left the Holland house, but we should confirm that. And I have some walkie talkies at the shop we can use. The lookouts can talk to the inside people that way.”

  I shook my head no. “This is getting worse by the minute.”

  Guardrail shot back at me. “No it’s not! We’re forming a team.”

  Lily tittered. “Oh, I like that! I wish me and Edith could come and be part of the fun too. We don’t get around like we used to, but maybe there is something we can still do to help.”

  “No, there are too many people going as it is. But thanks for offering ladies.” I remembered how slow Edith was when we tailed Robert. They are in their seventies and there was no way they could do this with us. And Edith would want more free drinks for everyone afterwards.

  Guardrail continued. “Ginger, you found the body, so you know what and where to look inside. Someone should go with you to help, but who?”

  Piper jumped in. “I will. I’m her best friend and it will look more natural for the two of us to be out and about together. And I can use my journalist skills to help look for clues when we’re inside.”

  Guardrail continued. “So that means me and Dog are the eyes on the outside. And ... “

  Digger interrupted. “What about me?”

  Dog laughed and added, “Not sure we want a grave-digger going to a murder scene, might look like you're trying to drum up business.”

  Digger grunted. “Everybody in here wants to be a comedian, but not a funny one of ya in the lot.”

  Guardrail playfully smacked Dog Breath on the back, then said. “He’s right, Dog. That’s not funny because everyone knows Digger would rather be drinking and eating at The Chicken than working.”

  Digger crumpled his face. “I give up. Why do I even hang out here.”

  I felt bad for Digger and shot him a friendly look. “Who is going to give you this much love?”

  Digger mumbled, “If this is love, don’t want to know ... ”

  Guardrail cut him off. “Oh, alright, you can be a lookout with us.”

  Ida was uncharacteristically quiet but ended her silence with, “Ginger, you got a digital camera? We should try to take pictures of anything we find. If we took something from the scene, that might be a crime. But we could take pictures and no one would know.”

  “No, I don’t have a digital camera. But that’s a good idea.”

  Piper threw her hands in the air. “Duh. Reporter here. I have tons of cameras. I will bring my smallest one, and my phone has a camera. Seems like the right choice for covert work.”

  I fretted. “I can’t believe what I'm saying. This is going to actually happen, isn’t it?”

  Every head in the room nodded yes. Then Guardrail added, “We can be the Potter’s Mill Flatfoots.”

  I spun to look at him. “What?”

  “You know, our team. We would be like gumshoes to figure this out.”

  I rolled my eyes. “No, that’s ridiculous.”

  Dog added. “How about, the Grumpy Gumshoes?”

  “Don’t drag the pub into this!”

  Guardrail poked me on the shoulder. “Well, now who’s being grumpy.”

  Ida tried, “What about Team PMF. I liked Guardrail's suggestion, but it’s not real catchy. Team PMF rolls off the tongue a little easier.”

  I looked around at everyone and said, “Are you nuts! Why are we debating this. We’re talking about breaking into a crime scene and picking a team name is your concern?”

  “Well, yeah. We gotta have a cool name if we’re going to do this.” Dog had a confused look on his face and I could tell his brain was trying to figure out why I didn’t understand him.

  I replied. “I’m worried we will get into trouble. Having a cool name won't get us out of jail.”

  “It might. You don’t know it won't help.” Dog was living up to his moniker. And this team name thing was his meaty bone.

  I decided to placate him. “OK, what’s your suggestion? And leave the pub name out of it.”

  Dog snapped his fingers. “How about The Festive Detectives!”

  Guardrail looked up. “You know what, Ginger may be right, let’s table the naming thing.” He smacked his big hands together. “So now, let’s gear up. We have our first stake out!”

  Chapter Ten

  After stopping at his shop to retrieve the hand-held radios and some other supplies, Guardrail headed for a spot not far from the Holland house. Dog Breath, Digger, Piper and I were there waiting for him at the agreed meeting spot.

  Guardrail reached into the box used to carry his load and handed a radio to Piper. “You work the radio to leave Ginger free to look around for clues. You turn it on to adjust the volume with this knob. Press this button to talk, then release it to listen. And when you’re finished talking you have to say ‘ten-four’ before you release the button to let us know you’re done. Wait a minute, I meant over, you say over when you’re done.”

  Piper huffed. “You sure?”

  Guardrail scratched his head. “Okay. You don’t need to be snippy, Cagney. I don’t actually use these radios that often.”

  Dog Breath grunted then jumped in. “Maybe I should work the radio.” He snatched the radio from Guardrail. “I think I can still remember my walkie talkie codes.”

  I looked in the box Guardrail brought. “There are three more radios in here, just give that one to Piper, and then there are three left, one for each of you as lookouts. And if someone gets a code or two wrong, I think we can figure it out. Even better, how about we just use plain ole English.”

  Guardrail sulked, “Well that takes the fun out of it!”

  Digger was scanning the Holland house while he talked, then said, “Let’s get to the business at hand. It’s a big place. We should have eyes on all four sides. So, I’ll go around back, Dog can go to that far corner and watch the front and east side, and Guardrail can head over there.” He pointed to a spot. “You should have a good view of the west elevation from there in the yard.”

  Dog nodded in agreement. “Sounds about right.”

  I eyed Digger and said, “It’s kind of creepy you know how to stake out a place but can’t cook your own meals.”

  Digger shrugged. “Everyone has their strengths.”

  Guardrail jumped in, “Looks nice and quiet, time to go. Check the radios to make sure they are all working.” He reached into the box and produced a couple pairs of binoculars and some flashlights, passing the gear to the team.

  Piper took a flashlight and pointed. “We’ll approach from the east side, there. Then make our way round to the front door.”

  Dog nodded again. “Gives you the best cover, that will work.”

  I asked. “What if the front door is locked?”

  Piper replied, “Then we go round back, o
r something.”

  Digger interjected, “If you have to go to the back door, use the east side again, less lights and has more cover.”

  I glanced at Digger sideways. “Again, how do you know this?”

  Dog Breath didn’t let Digger respond. “Alright, it’s time for the Grumpy Gumshoes to roll.”

  I snapped at him. “That’s not our name. I told you to leave the pub out of this.”

  Guardrail added, “I hate that name. I thought we were to be the Potter's Mill Flatfoots.”

  I stomped my foot. “Are you kidding me! Stop it! We don’t want to draw attention and no one cares what we call ourselves. For now, we have no name.”

  Piper muttered under her breath, “Would be interesting to have a secret club with a cool name.”

  I took a deep breath and refocused. “Look. We’re about to illicitly enter a crime scene. I don’t want to argue this now. Can we focus?”

  Dog jumped in. “She’s right.” He looked to the other two men. “Time to move.” Then he turned back to me and Piper. “Let's get to our posts first. Then make your move to the house.” Piper and I nodded in agreement.

  Guardrail, Dog and Digger told us ‘good luck’ and they headed out to find cover at their assigned spots. After just a couple of minutes, the radio Piper was holding squawked. It was Digger, breathing hard. “I might need some help here. There is a big black cat chasing me. Oh holy feline hell, there are more of them.”

  Guardrail crackled over the handset, “It’s just a cat. Handle it.”

  Digger responded, “Is this a bad time to tell you how much I don’t like cats?”

  Piper pushed the button and scolded, “Get your act together, all of you!”

  Dog came on, “What? I’m in position and said nothing? Don’t lump me in with this nonsense.”

  Piper looked over to me. I was hanging my head and folded my arms. “We’re going to jail, aren’t we?”

  Piper sighed, “I think the odds are pretty high, yeah.”

  The radio crackled again. “Man down! Man down!” It was Digger’s voice, in a higher pitch.

  Guardrail came on the radio, “Oh for land's sake, I’ll go help him.”

  I checked my wrists. “I haven’t ever been handcuffed. Wonder what it feels like.”

  “Oh, it isn’t that bad. I was arrested at a protest in college. They use those plastic zip tie thingies most of the time now.”

  Dog came back on the radio, “Hey I went round back to help Digger. It’s ‘Nam all over again. But with cats! And crap, I think I found their dead mouse den.”

  I groaned. “You know we’re waiting for morons to take up position to be our eyes, our only protection, while we enter and inspect a crime scene.”

  “I know, but we have no other choice now.”

  I uttered, “We should just go, we’re better off without their help.”

  So, we made our way up to the Holland house, from the east side as planned, but without our lookouts. However, we underestimated the cats. Halfway to the front door, four cats followed almost as if volunteering to be part of our secret entry team. Piper waved the flashlight at them. “Shoo! Git.”

  I noted. “Waving the flashlight around makes us visible to, like, the space station.”

  Piper pointed the light back at the ground. “Oh, sorry. I don’t want these things following us. I even stepped on two crossing the lawn.”

  “Only two. I stepped on at least four or five. Crushed one’s tail real bad.”

  Piper turned to face me. “So that was a cat. I wasn’t sure if that was a cat or Digger that screeched back there.” We both let out a little laugh.

  We made our way to the corner of the house and I peeked around the corner to get a good view of the front door. “We need to be careful going up the porch steps, the cats like to hang out there.”

  “Ten-four.”

  I looked back over my shoulder. “You’re not on the radio, you don’t have to say that.”

  “I know, but we are on a mission and it’s cool to say.”

  “Really? Is everyone reverting back to being ten-years old just because we’re on a stake out? Come on, let’s go! Follow me.” I led up to the porch steps, looking for cats to avoid.

  “Really! Stop that!”

  I spun around. “What”

  “The cats are trying to play with the light. One is even jumping up at it every now and then.”

  “How can anyone have so many darn cats?” I actually pondered that for a second. Donna must have owned one hundred cats. How do you even feed that many? I shook my head to re-purpose and decided to continue up the porch steps. Piper followed me.

  I made it to the front door and looked back to Piper, eyes wide, then I looked back at the door knob. I reached out to check if it was locked. But before I touched the handle, the knob turned on its own and the door opened, revealing Elias. He said, “Did you have fun? You took forever to cross the lawn and I’ve been to rock concert’s quieter than you two.”

  We stood still, jaws hanging. Then the radio came on, it was Guardrail. “Abort, abort! Man at front door.”

  Piper held the radio to her mouth. “Thanks Sherlock, I think we figured that out.”

  I felt like a teenager caught coming home late and stared at the ground sheepishly. “We shouldn’t have come here. I know. But I found the body and thought maybe I might see something else that could help the police.”

  Elias pulled back a little. “Why? The police were here all day with all kinds of fancy equipment. What do you think you could do, or find, that they didn’t already?

  “Well, we learned a thing or two today about who might have done it.”

  “And who do you think did it?”

  I paused, then asked, “Did you?”

  Elias squinted back at me. “You know, what do you care about who killed her. No one liked her or cared what went on in this house until today.”

  “Well, someone killed her and is probably still in town. And we know you told your chat room friends you would kill her if she tried to remarry.”

  Elias grunted. “Isn’t anything kept secret in this town?”

  Piper promptly replied, “Nope!”

  I continued, “So why did you say that?”

  Elias exhaled, then took a deep breath. “Gamers sometimes try to act like the soldiers in the video games they play. You know act tough. I said that because I was mad and in the gaming world you kill the people you are mad at. It’s just the way you talk as a gamer. I would never actually kill someone though. Especially Donna.”

  Piper went into journalist mode. “Why especially Donna?”

  Elias’ voice became a little softer, “You wouldn’t believe me or understand.”

  Piper persisted, “It’s cliche to say, but try me.”

  Elias took a deep breath then said, “OK, here goes. Donna and I were having an affair.”

  I gasped. “Good morning and good night Mrs. Robinson! Did you say you were having an affair?”

  Piper murmured, “That’s so gross!”

  Elias shot back, “See! I told you wouldn’t believe me, or understand. But it’s not so hard to accept.”

  I cringed. “Maybe not for you. But can you try to help me understand?”

  “Donna was only eight years older than me.”

  Piper retorted. “But she’s your stepmother?”

  “My dad was ancient and way older than her. She wanted someone who could make her feel young again.”

  Piper grabbed her stomach. “I’m sorry I asked.”

  Elias frowned then looked back to me. “Your friend is not helping.”

  I turned to Piper, “He’s right, get it together, please.”

  Elias repeated, “See, you didn’t understand.”

  I looked him in the eye, searching for the truth. “I believe you, I really do, but it’s the understanding that’s hard.”

  “Donna was far too young for an old man like my father. What’s so hard to understand about that?”
r />   I replied, “Well, for starters, why did she marry him in the first place then?”

  “Things were good when they first met and even for a while after getting married. But over time things changed and he paid her less and less attention. So after a while she looked elsewhere for affection.”

  I reached over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. “Thank you, I think I’m starting to understand.”

  Piper added, “Well good for you, but I am still trying to ...”

  Amber suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs behind Elias and snarled. “What are you all doing here? You’re not supposed to be there, it’s a crime scene.”

  I looked up at her. “We just came out to talk. And we didn’t go into the den.”

  Amber moved her eyes over the entrance. “Can’t you see the foyer is taped off too.”

  I replied. “We don’t mean to intrude or do anything inappropriate. We’ll be going now.”

  Amber scowled at Elias and said, “What were you talking about with that useless lump of a man.”

  I answered her, “Well, let’s see, for starters his step-mother was murdered today. So there seems to be plenty to talk about.”

  “You were talking about me weren’t you? Everyone thinks I did it.”

  Elias turned to face Amber and said, “No, actually. They asked me if I did it.”

  Amber stared for a moment at Elias, then tilted her head back. “I didn’t expect that. I thought everyone was still trying to find a way to blame me.”

  Elias admonished, “I guess we now know that’s not entirely true. And I told them why I would never have killed Donna.”

  Amber eyed him for a moment. “So are you going to share with me why you couldn’t have done it?”

  Elias growled at her. “Nope. We don’t share with each other, remember?”

  I was uncomfortable and cut in, “We’ll be going now, we don’t want to intrude any further.”

  Amber replied, “Hang on. If you could just give me a minute, I would like to speak with you too. Elias, could we have some privacy, please?”

  “Sure, I think we’re pretty much done now anyway. Right ladies?” He looked at Piper and me and we nodded in agreement. Elias went up the stairs and Amber descended. As they passed, each leaned to opposite sides of the stairs, keeping the largest possible distance between them and exchanging glares with each other. Amber made it the front door and faced the two of us.