The CTR Anthology

by Alan Filewod

  Amaranta: You mean you shot him? You didn’t shoot yourself? That wasn’t very nice. What if you had missed and hit someone else?

  Allegra: Oh, dear. I’m sorry.

  Amaranta: That’s all right. It was just a dream.

  Arabella: The next day, she called her entire family. She called her father, she called her mother, she called her cousins …

  Allegra and Amaranta: (whisper, prompting her) Her husband!

  Arabella: She called her father, she called her mother … she called her husband.

  Alicia: And she called Prince Tarquin and poked out his eyes!

  Arabella: (jumps to her feet) No, no, no, she was a virtuous woman. She took the dagger from the folds of her dress …

  Alicia: (jumps up) And stabbed him seven times!

  Arabella: No, she was a noble woman!

  Alicia: She called the police?

  Arabella: No! Tell the story.

  Alicia: She took … She took … (She stops, unable to finish.)

  Allegra: She took the dagger from the folds of her dress and allowed it to plunge deeply into her own breast.

  Alicia: I don’t feel well.

  Arabella: And Lucretia said, “This is how I absolve myself of shame and show my innocence.” (Pause.) Now go to sleep.

  (During the following story the four women clear away the Lucretia props and prepare for the next scene as they tell Anna a story.)

  M.2: Anna, I just told you a story.

  M.1: One story is enough, Anna.

  M.4: Anna, it’s very late.

  M.3: Anna!

  (M.1 is caught in slide light beside fridge.)

  M.1: My name is Marianne Bachmeier.

  (She turns away from the slide light, slide light goes out.)

  M.1: All right Anna – just one more story.

  M.3: But it’s a sad story.

  M.1: It’s the story of a princess. She was the fairest in the land.

  M.4: She had the freshest mouth in town.

  M.1: One day a handsome prince took her as his bride. His cheeks were apple red and his hair was black as night.

  M.2: They lived in a castle made of chocolate and they dined on peach pie day and night.

  M.1: But then the prince fell under an evil spell and turned into a wild beast. The princess lost her appetite and locked herself in her room. She could hear him growling and snarling outside her door. She was trapped inside forever and she cried day after day after day …

  A MARIANNE INTERLUDE

  Eena: Is this the face of a murderess?

  (The women freeze, looking out at audience)

  Maria: Is this the face of a murderess?

  (The women move in a box step, in unison, then stop)

  Jenny: Is this the face of a murderess?

  (Jenny claps. As she claps, the women turn their heads as in mug shots. The clapping speeds up and the turns become uncontrolled. They stop and then begin the box step again in unison. It continues through the following lines)

  Eena: (putting on sunglasses) Last night I overheard my husband joking with his friends. He calls me the mattress. Imagine …

  M.1: (lighting cigarette) When we lived in Hanover his favourite game was to lock me out of the house in my negligée.

  Jenny: (putting on sunglasses) Once he drove me out to Etobicoke at three a.m. and told me to find my own way home.

  Maria: (inarticulate, putting on sunglasses) Well … um … you see … he …

  Jenny: He never uses the front door. He likes to startle me at the window.

  Eena: He’s so funny. He says I have one breast the size of a lemon and the other the size of a grapefruit.

  M.1: He loves secret codes and at dinner one tap means coffee and two taps mean tea.

  Maria: Well, you see, last night he tugged at the sleeve of my bathrobe and ripped it.

  (The women freeze. Then Jenny and Eena take off their sunglasses and turn to the audience for the following joke.)

  Eena: Madge, what can I do about my hands?

  Jenny: They look as if they’ve been through the blender.

  Eena: Madge, I’m always locking myself in the bathroom. How can I get rid of him?

  Jenny: Hydrochloric acid?

  Eena: Is it strong?

  Jenny: You’re soaking in it.

  (M.1 breaks away and moves downstage and sits beside a lunch bag and an ashtray. She begins talking to Chris.)

  M.1: (holding ashtray) Chris, your lunch is ready. I have two salami sandwiches, an apple, an orange and your favourite chocolate bar. (She puts out cigarette and reaches for the lunch bag. She looks in the bag and then at Chris.) Two salami sandwiches, an apple, an orange … an apple, and your favourite chocolate bar … your favourite chocolate bar. (She packs and repacks the lunch trying to get it right for Chris. She polishes and polishes the apple. The feeling is that the harder she tries to please him the angrier he becomes.)

  Eena: (interrupts lunch) Is this the face of a murderess?

  (Eena, Jenny and Maria all come together and start to boxstep in unison. They are all wearing their sunglasses. They boxstep through the following lines.)

  Eena: Jenny’s real sweet, but I wouldn’t want to meet her boyfriend in a dark alley.

  Maria: (hesitantly) Have you told anyone?

  Jenny: It’s like this. Either Eena stays or she has to live on welfare. Who wants to live on welfare with three kids? Who wants to live on welfare?

  Eena: I’d drive Jenny to the shelter, but I think she’s afraid they have a long waiting list. But they don’t turn anyone away in an emergency.

  Maria: The kids … the kids need their father.

  Eena: She says she fell down the stairs. That’s the eighth time this month she’s fallen down the stairs.

  Jenny: She lives in a bungalow.

  Jenny: Well … um … was it an accident?

  Jenny: If I were Maria I’d leave him on the spot. But she doesn’t believe in divorce.

  (A short silence and then they all start to talk at once. The lines are improvised. For example: “YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE GOOD WITH THE BAD.” “I ASKED HIM TO GET HELP.” “I CALLED THE SHELTER YESTERDAY …” They stop suddenly and look around embarrassed. They start again, then stop. Pause.)

  Eena: It’s not going to happen again. He promised.

  Jenny: I love him and that’s that.

  Maria: Nothing has happened.

  (They stop the box step. Eena and Jenny move to the clothesline singing the first lines of the song “I Can’t Stop Loving You”. Jenny sits in chair by the laundry line and reads a paper. Eena hangs up signs with clothes pins. The signs are: GET OUT / NO / I’D RATHER / CRY / DRINK / EAT / WATCH TV / SHOP / KILL / MYSELF. The signs are winched out in this order as Jenny reads newspaper headlines. During this sequence, Maria continues a very small box step.)

  Jenny: “When Love Turns To Bloody Murder. The Story of Colin Thatcher …” “Reagan Presses Plan For Space Defence. Kremlin Doubtful On Talks …” “Dr Morgentaler Doused With Ketchup. Crown Presses Appeal …” “Abused Wife Refuses To Testify Against Husband. 93% never press charges. See Page 7.”

  María: (removes sunglasses and takes a music box from her apron pocket. She opens the music box, which plays “The Impossible Dream” as she speaks. Eena does a tiny box step.) September … October … November … December … January. Applied for a job. February. Started work at Eaton’s. Verbal threats. March. Billy’s tonsils. April … May. Promotion. Black eye. June. Bruised thigh. July. Vacation in Muskoka. Broken nose, no charges. August. Birthday party. Surprise attack. Nose, cheek, stomach, thigh, pelvis, arm. A week indoors. September … October … November … (She closes music box and returns it to apron pocket. M.1 begins pacing at the end of Maria’s speech. When she stops and turns to look at the fridge Maria is silent. Marianne walks slowly up to the fridge and puts her hand to the door as if to open it. Jenny and Eena turn and look at her. She doesn’t open the door. She backs away from it. Turns around and is caught in a light. She
sits down and addresses the audience.)

  M.1: Chris and I are having this ongoing fight. We’re into day four of the trial and he says it’s just like a Sam Peckinpah film. I think it’s more like Bergman. There’s no violence in the courtroom. It just reminds me of a high school auditorium, and everybody’s glad that nobody’s looking at them. The judge is up there like the principal laying down the law and you don’t have any say and you’re sure he knows something you don’t want him to know … Every time I walk into the courtroom everybody turns to look at me. I tell you I’ve never gotten so much mileage out of a suede skirt … You know it’s funny though, when I look at him – Gra-bowski – I don’t see him at all. I see Anna. And then the next moment I zoom in on his chin and I’m, wondering, did he cut himself shaving? …

  It’s just like a movie.

  Maria: (starting to box step slowly) Before I was married, I had a clerical job. But then Frank really wanted to move to Toronto. I didn’t mind leaving my job but I really missed my family. (She turns to look at M.1 and inches towards her in box-step rhythm.)

  M.1: (Starting a box step) Before I lived in Hanover, I was miles away from where I worked – but I always managed. Hans had a red sports car and usually drove me everywhere.

  Maria: Before I met Frank, I never read the Sports section. Now we fight for it every Sunday.

  M.1: (continuing a box step) I’m not overly paranoid. I didn’t go around expecting it to happen to me. I think that kind of attitude brings on bad stuff.

  Maria: I couldn’t wait to have a baby, but every time I mentioned it,

  Frank got upset. But then he got a raise. (M.1 and Maria move away from each other in box step rhythm. M.1 moves stage left and Maria moves stage right.)

  M.1: After I found a flat I could afford, I started working at The Diamond. It was OK – a real quiet time for us – just me and Anna. I sort of wanted to stay in one place.

  Maria: (taking bigger box steps and moving downstage) After his promotion, we moved into a bigger house, bought a new car, and the kids were getting settled into a new school. He was under a lot of pressure. The mortgage was so heavy, I started looking for work again.

  M.1: Look, it’s crazy to blame yourself. I hadn’t been seeing anyone for three months. And who comes in just as we’re closing? … So I let Hans drive me home.

  Maria: (stops box step) I would have loved a job in a chocolate shop, but I ended up at Eaton’s. I blew my first paycheque on everybody’s favourite foods. But when I came home, he had that funny look on his face. I ran up to the bathroom.

  M.1: After he raped me, I went home and I thought I’ll just wash myself thoroughly and forget the whole thing. I was just about to step into the shower (stops box step) when I changed my mind and called the police. I got all dressed up for the courtroom. He got a year and six months.

  Maria: Nothing has happened.

  (Maria sits down in chair stage right, puts on her sunglasses. M.1 sits in chair stage right of fridge. Jenny and Eena resume humming, “I Can’t Stop Loving You,” while Jenny reads the paper, Eena takes down the laundry, leaving “kill” and “GET OUT” up on the line till the last, then taking down “KILL” but leaving “GET OUT” up.)

  Jenny: One out of five Canadian murders due to wife assault, says government commission. Ann Landers says women prefer cuddling. Hemlines plummet in Paris fashion show. Victim strikes back. Murder or self-defence? See page 4.

  M.1: Last night I had a dream. I walked up to the courtroom: Anna wasn’t there. It was a sunny day.

  (The lighting has changed to a dream-like blue. Eena is slowly winching the “GET out” sign towards herself. Jenny takes off her sunglasses and begins to speak. As she does so, Eena talks improvisationally underneath her, about the same topic. M.1 improvises moments from her own world – “I walked into the courtroom” etc.)

  Jenny: Well, you know what happened to me last night? Gord was watching TV. I was bored. (Eena improvises underneath – e.g. “He never talks to me while he’s watching TV, so I’m bored out of my skull, right?” etc. nonstop) He wouldn’t talk to me. So I went to the kitchen to heat up some peach pie. When I came back to the living room, I thought I saw a little halo around his head. But then I realized it was just the blue glow of the TV. Then I noticed that instead of pie, somehow I was holding the heavy no-stick frying pan. (Eena.· “… holding the poker in my hands …”) And as I raised it above his head, I said: “Honey?”

  (Eena, Jenny and Maria all raise their hands above their heads in a striking gesture. Eena and Maria echo Jenny’s “Honey?” M.1 lifts her arm in a shooting gesture. They hold a moment of tension)

  Jenny: Honey? (pause) Would you like some eggs? But he was asleep. Marianne: It was just a dream.

  (Eena rips down the “GET OUT” sign. Maria takes centre stage.)

  Maria: Last night, I had a dream. Everything is reversed. (Increasingly in the voice of a B-movie gangster.) He’s really scared this time. He runs up the stairs and locks himself in the bathroom. I take the lock off the door. I can hear him crying in the tub. And I say, “All right, sweetheart, now it’s my turn. I’ve had enough of having my face shoved into dirt.” Bang!

  Jenny: Is this the face of a murderess?

  (All women gather downstage in a clump, and resume the box step.)

  Eena: You know what happened to me last night? I went to take the garbage out and just kept walking and walking towards the bus depot, without my purse or anything. Imagine. So there I was in the middle of Bloor Street without a cent. So I went home.

  Maria: Last night during a commercial I just picked up the phone and for no reason at all I was suddenly dialling my mother’s number. When she answered, I didn’t have anything to say. So I hung up.

  M.1: After Chris hit me, I just laughed in his face. I said, “Can’t you hit me harder?” The love of my life. The next time he did it, I threw a beer glass at his head. Now he thinks twice.

  Jenny: Do you know what happened to me last night? Last night, he threw the sugar bowl at the wall. It just missed my head. And this morning he asked for sugar in his coffee. (Laughs.) I never laughed so hard in all my life.

  (Pause. Then Jenny, Maria and M.1 begin to speak in low voices simultaneously. Improvised e.g. M.1 “Then there was the time with the ashtray …” Maria: “You have to take the good with the bad”; Jenny: “It’s hard to make a decision.”)

  Eena: (stops moving, pulls down her sunglasses a bit) Now go to sleep.

  (The lights slowly fade to blackout, with the three women still moving and speaking.)

  HOW TO BE A VICTIM

  (This scene is one of organized mayhem, much of it improvised, all of it humorous. The performers give each other names such as “Evangeline” or “Roberta” each night, as fancy strikes them. Here, they will be described as Victim l, Victim 2, and Victim 3. The fourth performer makes her way off stage and returns as the interviewer later. In the darkness, the beginning of the Mary Poppins’ song “Spoonful of Sugar” plays. Victim 3 calls out: “How to be a victim!” Lights up. The actors are caught in some awkward position moving about on stage.)

  Victim 1: “How to be a victim.” This scene may be offensive to some. Please don’t watch this scene.

  (The other actors chime in, saying “Please don’t watch this scene,” as they clean up from the previous scene and get their props. Each victim has her own character: in this production, Victim 1 whined and complained about everything she had to do at this particular moment, while Victim 2 was overeager and extremely naive, and Victim 3 was a perfect young lady. Victim 1 appears on stage seemingly balancing an apple on her head and talking about the importance of posture; as she bends over to scratch her leg, it turns out the apple is attached to her bead with a rubber band. Victim 2 commences to cross the stage on doilies, improvising lines on her doily-walking technique. Victim 3 appears with a red purse on one arm, pulling a toy dinosaur perched on a toy car on a leash. She meets Victim 2 in the middle of the stage.)

  Victim
3: Say hello to the lady.

  Victim 2: (screams)

  (Victim 2 gets to her chair. Victim 1 is sorting photographs. Victim 3 gets up on her chair and strikes a pose of screaming in fright, as in the proverbial woman frightened by mouse. She then matter-of-factly puts the dinosaur in her purse.)

  Victim 2: (sitting down, to Victim 1) I got here.

  Victim 1: I know.

  Victim 2: And you know what – I saw a dinosaur!

  Victim 1: It was fake.

  Victim 2: I thought they were extinct.

  Victim I: They are.

  (Victim 3 squeaks her dinosaur and pops it back into her purse. The beginning of a teach-yourself-typing tape clicks in. A male voice booms: “How’s your posture? Are you ready? Type! K-I-J-Y, etc. Victim 1 shows Victim 2 various photographs and gives her instructions. Victim 2 assumes various cheesecake positions according to instructions. Victim 3, sitting apart, applies lipstick over and over again to her mouth, smearing it liberally.)

  Victim I: All right, now look at this photograph. Memorize that pose. Ready? Take brown ground wire and connect to point B1 behind head. Take blue wire with spiked ends and connect it to point Bi. Run the 2 millimetre socket from point A1 to A2 across foot. And smile. Good! Try this one. Reverse point 2 back to point A1. Bring point B1 down to point C. Good. Lean forward, twist and smile. Good. All right, try this one without me.

  (Victim 2 goes through various poses, quoting the stock market. This in interspersed with quotations from movies, spoken by Victim 3. Victim 1 tosses the photos onto the floor, one by one)

  Victim 2: Pan Am, up 2.

  Victim 3: Darling, you’re beautiful when you’re angry.

  Victim 2: General Electric, down one.

  Victim 3: Rhett, Rhett, don’t leave me, Rhett.

  Victim 2: Exxon, up xo.

  Victim 3: There’s no place like home.

  Victim 1: 2: Kelloggs, down two.

  Victim 3: You know how to whistle, don’t ya?

  Victim 2: Amoco, up four.

  Victim 3: (takes out a newspaper clipping. The typing tape stops. Reading in a loud, careful and neutral voice.) Dear Ann Landers: I never thought I would credit herpes with giving new life to my marriage but it did. Here is my story. Recently, a friend of ours caught herpes from his girlfriend. He gave it to his unsuspecting wife. When the doctor told her what she had she went crazy. That night, while he was asleep, she beat his head in with a tire wrench. He is in the hospital with a fractured skull. Ever since that happened, my husband treats me like a piece of Dresden china.