The CTR Anthology

by Alan Filewod

  Colby: It’s obvious, Your Honour. The Crown speaks of Linda Barrie of singing fame. Jones draws a parallel between myself and the man who shot John Lennon. Clearly Linda is receiving proportional favouritism at the hands of the court. To put it simply, her fame prejudices my case, and that is a fundamental violation of the principles of justice.

  The Crown: Should Linda Barrie not have access to the protection of the courts simply because she is famous? Would that be Mr Colby’s version of justice?

  Colby: You don’t care about justice, Broilman. All you are concerned about is the prominent place this case has in the public eye.

  The Judge: Now Mr Colby. …

  Colby: The fact is that my conviction, or better yet my committal will boost your public image!

  The Crown: Your Honour I have had just about enough of Mr Colby’s slanderous …

  The Judge: OK, that’s enough. Both of you take your seats. Are there any more questions for Sergeant Jones?

  The Crown: Sergeant Jones, did you have anything to do with the warrant that was made out for the re-arrest of Mr Colby?

  Jones: No sir, I did not.

  The Judge: Thank you Sergeant Jones, you may step down. (Jones exits.) Well things have certainly warmed up. Mr Broilman, what have you to say about Mr Colby’s charges?

  The Crown: I think there is only one comment worth making under the circumstances, Your Honour. Mr Colby is deluded.

  Colby: Mr Broilman is making my case for me. Your Honour, he assumes I am insane because of my alleged “delusions” about Linda Barrie but as I have pointed out again and again Linda Barrie has never been questioned. How does he know I am deluded?

  The Crown: Your Honour, while it is true that Ms Barrie has never been questioned personally, it is a patent falsehood to state that the police have not verified the charges against Mr Colby. I have spoken to Ms Barrie’s husband many times. He is eloquent in his description of the problems Mr Colby’s delusion has created over the last few years. He would be happy to testify.

  Colby: I object!

  (Lighting change. Underscoring begins, an intro to “Stand By Me.”)

  Colby: Chuck Edwards. I ask for the queen and they send me her coachman. I mean, we all knew that he’d produced her records … but when the papers announced that they’d been married … I felt like I’d been run through a baling machine. How could it be possible? For five years I’d been following Linda’s every move. I’d kept in touch, and so had she. And then, from out of the blue, Chuck Edwards. It didn’t make any sense. Nobody really believed they could be in love. I couldn’t understand it. I was lost. I had to talk to her. She … she was playing in Vancouver again … so I took another plane. [A jet roars overhead. The band enters behind Colby during the speech, playing the intro to a hard-rocking version of “Stand By Me.” They are all dressed as cops, and bar the way between Colby and a new Linda Barrie, dressed in leather, singing rock. As she sings the song Colby tries to reach her, but again and again he is blocked, until finally he slips through the cops and holds up a handful of roses. Linda takes them, and sings the song to him. The song ends. Colby is suddenly alone on stage) The song was like a bombshell. The first verse described our situation perfectly, the night, the moon, the strength I felt knowing she was beside me … but then … then images of dissolution … the sky, our relationship, falling like a star into the sea, and one phrase repeating again and again … “Whenever I’m in trouble … stand by me!” (Colby turns up his collar and, holding a program, runs across the stage. Underscoring music from within. We are outside a stage door. Colby is standing outside the door, program in hand. Rick enters. He’s an autograph hunter in a long greasy trench coat.)

  Rick: Nice weather for July, eh?

  Colby: I suppose, (pause) Ah … say, this is the stage door isn’t it?

  Rick: You kidding? Would I be standing here if it wasn’t?

  Colby: I don’t know.

  Rick: No way, man. Rick Phillips doesn’t stand around in the deluge unless he can cop some penmanship, right?

  Colby: If you say so …

  Rick: Say so, man, I know so. You got any traders?

  Colby: Got what?

  Rick: Autographs. For swapping.

  Colby: I don’t collect autographs.

  Rick: Then why are you out here in the rain, bub? What are you, a duck?

  Colby: I’m waiting to see Linda, she …

  (Sound of applause up and out. Linda and Chuck enter, moving fast. Rick rushes towards her.)

  Rick: Miss Barrie! Miss Barrie, could you sign …

  (Chuck Edwards moves between Rick and Linda, moving him off stage. Linda pauses for a second. She seems shaken, looks at Colby, then away as she walks by him. Colby steps toward her.)

  Chuck: Sorry pal, Linda’s really in a hurry. We’ve got a plane to catch.

  Rick: Aw come on. All I want is an autograph … (fade under)

  Colby: Linda!

  Linda: Hi, did you see the show?

  Colby: You know I was there.

  Linda: Imagine, me doing a rock song. I was scared to death. (Pause.)

  Colby: You don’t have to be afraid. Linda, I’ll stand by you.

  Linda: I wasn’t really scared, you know, I just meant…

  Colby: It’s your career isn’t it? The road … you’re being pulled away from your feelings … your dreams …

  Linda: No, it’s great. I’m rolling.

  Colby: Then why did you sing that song?

  Linda: I …

  Chuck: There’s the limo, honey.

  Linda: Okay. (She takes Colby’s program and signs it.) Thanks for coming. It means a lot to me.

  (Linda starts to go. Colby grabs her wrist)

  Colby: No, wait. The wedding. You didn’t really …

  Chuck: Cool your jets, friend. (He takes Linda’s arm away. Rick comes up behind him.)

  Linda: It’s okay, Chuck.

  Colby: I just wanted to …

  Chuck: Get into the limo, Linda, (to Colby) You shouldn’t grab at people, you know.

  Linda: He didn’t mean anything, Bill.

  Colby: Take your hands off me.

  Rick: Hey man, leave the guy alone.

  Chuck: Linda, will you get into the goddamn car?

  (Linda exits.)

  Rick: Ya jerk.

  (Chuck pushes past.)

  Chuck: Why in the hell can’t you treat her like a human being.

  Rick: Oh boy, yeah, isn’t that typical, eh? Once they start making it big they bring in the goons. Heaven forbid somebody should “Touch the star.” The dirtbag wouldn’t even let me have her autograph. I should have listened to my mother and stayed out of showbiz.

  (Colby ignores all this. He is totally absorbed by Linda’s autograph on his program.)

  Rick: Say, did you get her? (He looks over Colby’s shoulder and reads) “I love you, Linda Barrie.” Hey, beauty! give you five bucks for it.

  Colby: What?

  Rick: Five bucks. I’ll give you five bucks. What do you say?

  Colby: Don’t be ridiculous.

  Rick: It’s a fair price. I mean, we’re not talking about Streisand …

  Colby: Linda wrote this to me.

  Rick: OK, OK. I’ll trade you. What do you want, Sammy Davis, Jr?

  Colby: Sammy who?

  Rick: OK, OK. I’ll throw in Lightfoot … what do you say?

  Colby: I told you, I don’t collect autographs.

  Rick: All right, autographed glossies then! Take your pick. Gump Worsley?

  Colby: You don’t understand. I’m in love with her. I wouldn’t part with this picture for.. for my life.

  Rick: Oh, I got you. You’re a Linda Barrie freak.

  Colby: I’m not a freak. I love her.

  Rick: Oh, right, and obviously the feeling is mutual.

  Colby: Of course it’s mutual. Don’t you even listen to her songs? Look: “I love you.” That’s what she wrote.

  Rick: Yeah, right. That’s why she just married tha
t Edwards dude. What do you think that means?

  Colby: How could she possibly be married to him and still write that to me?

  Rick: You sayin’ he’s a beard?

  Colby: A what?

  Rick: A beard … it’s a showbiz term. If, you know, you’re seeing someone and you don’t want anyone to know, you get this other guy to pretend like he’s going out with you. He’s your disguise. Your beard.

  Colby: Yes … that … that must be it.

  Rick: Fat chance, fella. Later.

  (Rick exits. Colby stares after him. Lights shift. We’re back in court.)

  The Judge: Mr Colby?

  Colby: What?

  The Judge: Mr Colby, do you object to calling Linda Barrie’s husband to the stand?

  Colby: What? Yes, I would object. Edwards’ testimony is of no more substance than that of Miss Little or any other of Miss Barrie’s employees.

  The Crown: He is her husband, Your Honour.

  Colby: Her alleged husband.

  The Judge: Her alleged husband?

  The Crown: This is typical of his thinking, Your Honour. He claims they aren’t married.

  Colby: I have reason to believe they are not married.

  The Judge: Why do you say they aren’t married, Mr Colby.

  Colby: Your Honour, there are certain private elements of my relationship with Linda Barrie which don’t have any place in a court of law.

  The Judge: (to The Crown) Do you wish to call Mr Edwards?

  Colby: Your Honour, it’s Linda who needs to be brought before this court, not that man.

  The Judge: Nevertheless, Mr Edwards is …

  Colby: He’s a puppet. Nothing but a …

  The Crown: Your Honour, I would ask: Why is Mr Colby so afraid of confronting Charles Edwards on this matter?

  Colby: I’m not afraid of that.

  The Crown: It’s because his whole, sick delusion would come crumbling down around him when Mr Edwards testified about Colby’s visit to Mount Stewart and the …

  Colby: That son of a bitch would lie about the funeral! He’s a big pile of shit plopped between Linda and me and I’ll be damned if…

  The Judge: Mr Colby! Order! I won’t tolerate that kind of language in my court!

  The Crown: You see what we’re afraid of here, Your Honour. This is why Dr Rand’s testimony is …

  Colby: Let’s not get into that again, Rand is a …

  The Judge: Stop right there, Mr Colby, before I cite you for contempt.

  Colby: I’m sorry, Your Honour, but it’s my life that’s at stake here.

  The Judge: I am aware of that. I have been bending over backwards because you have chosen to proceed without counsel, but there are times when I’ve felt like you aren’t quite with us. I’m afraid I’m going to have to allow Dr Rand to testify again.

  Colby: Your Honour, he’s plainly biased in his testimony!

  The Judge: And I will arrange for a second opinion.

  Colby: I am not insane!

  The Judge: I don’t know if that’s true, Mr Colby. It’s my job to see that if you need help you get it.

  Colby: I’ll be happy to have Mr Edwards testify, if that’s the matter of concern.

  The Judge: And I’ll be happy to hear what he has to say about … the funeral? … after we’ve heard from the doctors. We’ll adjourn until Monday. Mr Broilman, you will arrange for another psychiatrist to talk with Mr Colby in the interval and …

  (Their voices fade out. Special light on Colby. He gets out a portable tape recorder.)

  Colby: With Edwards at the helm, Linda’s career took off like a sky rocket. As her fame grew I felt that she was moving further and further away from me, like a late-night radio station drifting in and out, getting fainter and fainter until I began to wonder if I was really hearing anything at all …

  Then, that day … that day the dawn broke with the roar of jet engines. Planes soaring over my house, all day coming together, almost touching the ground and then soaring up, trailing streams of silver and gold.

  I couldn’t work with those planes stunt flying over the farm. I sat in the kitchen, all day, playing her songs.

  (Colby starts and stops the tape on his machine, listening to fragment of songs as he speaks.)

  Listening to those messages of love. Over and over, looking for … I didn’t know what. The light faded. I gave up. (Colby stops the tape and switches the tapedeck to the radio mode.) I didn’t know what any of it meant any more. I switched on the radio and stood at the window, watching the last jet barrel-roll off into the sunset. Then. Linda’s voice drifted through the twilight. (On the radio we hear Micky and Sylvia’s version of “Love is Strange”)! leaned exhausted, head against the window pane, looking out at those long empty fields. The song ended. The D.J. spoke softly …

  Disc Jockey: Ladies and gentlemen, for all of you who are fans of Linda Barrie we have some sad news. Linda’s father, the Right Honourable Joseph Barrie passed away today in Mount Stewart, P.E.I.

  (Colby shuts off the radio. A solid, musical scream comes from an off-stage chorus, like the drone of a bagpipe.)

  Colby: The words rushed through me like … like a scream of anguish from half-way round the world. And I knew … I knew she was calling out to me. I knew … she needed me. The night had come, she needed someone to stand by her. I had to go. I knew I had to, I was the only man on earth who could bring her home again.

  (Underscoring begins, an a cappella bagpipe drone from the chorus, based on “Farewell to Nova Scotia.” Colby walks up the stairs to the platform. Linda, Edwards, Sandy, and a priest wheel on a coffin.)

  Colby: Barrington Passage, Nova Scotia. Snow thick on the ground. A little graveyard on the hill. Breath hanging still in cold winter light. The long black hearse taking Linda’s daddy home to be buried where he had been born. And Linda standing by the coffin. Like a lost little girl.

  Linda: The sun was setting in the West. The birds were singing on every tree

  All nature seemed inclined for a rest, but still there was no rest for me

  So farewell to Nova Scotia the seabound coast

  Let your mountains dark and dreary be

  For when I am far away on the briny ocean tossed

  Will you ever heave a sigh and wish for me

  Grieve to leave my native home

  I grieve to leave my comrades all

  But my captain calls and I must obey

  So it’s early in the morning

  And I am bound far away.

  (Colby speaks over the verse of the song.)

  Colby: Linda and I had come full-circle. I had been lost in a cold and empty world … her song lifted me up … up onto a higher plane. And now the wheel of life had turned carrying her into the shadows.

  She had forgotten that beyond winter lies spring, beyond grief, hope. I could return to her the love she had given me … lift her up into the light … with love … love flowing like a river from one human heart to another … and I knew … I knew I could give her back her soul!

  Linda: For it’s early in the morning I am bound far away.

  (Lights fade to black.)

  ACT TWO

  At rise we are in a holding cell in the Willows Hospital for the criminally insane. Colby sits alone, writing in his notebook. As he speaks Rand appears as a memory in a dim glow on the upstage platform.

  Colby: Well Linda, here I am sitting in an empty room waiting to try and convince a total stranger that there really is something going on between us. God, what kind of chance do I have? I remember trying to explain it to Rand that first time at Willowood. I said to him: “Love is like a revolution in the mind.” He smiled and made a note. “Look at it as a cascade of neuro-chemical reactions that make you see sudden pictures of a perfect world.” He wrote a whole sentence. “When you’re in love you lose that huge separation between yourself and everything around you. Your senses expand to fill every available space!” And he looked up from his notebook and said …

  Colb
y and Rand: “Mr Colby, you have just given me a textbook definition of schizophrenia.”

  (Underscoring begins. Rand fades out.)

  Colby: Saint Paul can be hit by a bolt of lightning on the road to Damascus. Edgar Cayce can cure hundreds of people he’s never even seen and twenty million people a day can base their lives on what Jeanne Dixon writes in an astrology column, but if I say “Our spirits have touched” then I’m mad.

  (Linda appears where Rand had stood. Colby remembers her music and dreams she is with him. Linda sings “Heart Like A Wheel,” a song about lost love and broken hearts. As the song is sung. Linda comes down the stairs, she and Colby almost touch but the image fades. She disappears; and as the song ends Colby is alone, back in his cell.

  A cop and Cord enter. Cord is handcuffed. The cop chains him to a chair near Colby.)

  Cord: Take you stinking hands off me, you doorknob’s arsehole!

  The Cop: Will you keep it down?

  Cord: Not much to get it up for in The Willows, is there, chumbly?

  The Cop: That’s your problem, not mine.

  Cord: I am not nuts!

  The Cop: You’re about as smart as a toaster.

  Cord: You’re all walking stiffs. Ya can’t believe in anything anymore!

  The Cop: You’re pathetic.

  (He exists.)

  Cord: Jesus, Jesus, those monkey-headed bastards … you scum bucket! (to Colby) Well, what are you looking at? (Colby looks away) Oh, sorry to disturb your meditation, man. Just ignore me. I’m just another poor slob being run down in the street. The shrink in there just shoved my dink in a light socket and flipped the switch, but what’s it mean to you, right?

  Colby: Who was it?

  Cord: Eh?

  Colby: What was the psychiatrist’s name?

  Cord: C.G. Rand. What’s it to you anyway … say … I know you. Jake Colby, right? Wow, I don’t believe it. I got your picture from the paper pinned on my wall. Man, like, you’re a folk hero, right?

  Colby: What are you talking about?

  Cord: Linda Barrie, man. That’s huntin’ for bear. You really love her, right? (pause) Hey, what’s the matter? You deaf? You love Linda Barrie, right?

  Colby: I’m facing a stretch in the Willows myself, because of her. You might say the romance is at a low ebb.

  Cord: A breakdown on the rocky road of love, right? Quelle drag, (pause) I mean, you gotta prove your love, right? That’s what it’s all about! You’re like a knight or something … like that guy in the Monty Python and the Holy Grail. You know the one I mean?