by Alan Filewod
Sandy: Cold enough to freeze the best bits off a brass monkey.
Colby: Do you think drinking is appropriate today?
Sandy: Nobody up here to see it but you. (pause) It’s just that I can’t stand funerals. Scare me to death, the way everything suddenly gets so permanent.
Colby: Well, if you don’t like it why did you come?
Sandy: I’m the gravedigger.
Colby: Oh.
Sandy: I mean, it’s a steady job, right? I can’t be complaining … but I just don’t understand why people put themselves through all this malarky. I mean, it doesn’t do the guy in the box any good now, does it?
Colby: The funeral isn’t for the deceased. It’s a time for the living to gather strength from each other.
Sandy: You sound like a funeral director.
Colby: I hate funerals. But it will help Linda.
Sandy: She’s a friend of yours?
Colby: Look at her down there. Like a little bird brought to ground.
Sandy: You from T.O.? You work with Linda or something? Hey buddy!
Colby: Why don’t you just watch the funeral?
Sandy: You know, if you’re such a friend how come you aren’t with the funeral party?
Colby: I’ll go to her when the time is right.
Sandy: You’re weird, buddy.
(Sandy walks down to Edwards and whispers in his ear. Edwards leaves the party at graveside and walks up to Colby.)
Edwards: Jacob Colby, right? The love letters, the cans of wheat, the airplane tickets … Jake Colby?
Colby: It’s none of your business who I am.
Edwards: Would you mind telling me what in hell you’re doing here?
Colby: I think I have a right to share in Linda’s grief.
Edwards: Look down there. They are putting her father in the ground. You have no rights here.
Colby: Linda wants me to be here.
Edwards: Linda doesn’t know you from Adam.
Colby: You know that’s not true.
Edwards: Isn’t it? Then why did she send me up here to get rid of you?
Colby: You’re always in the way, Edwards. Filling Linda’s mind with lies, pulling her away from the reality in her songs.
Edwards: The reality in her songs? Damn, Colby, this isn’t some dream world conjured up off the radio! This is reality! Linda’s father is dead and you can’t do a damn thing to help her. You can only hurt her by being here.
Colby: Don’t you think I know how desperate and lonely she is? Can’t you hear what she’s singing about? No, I guess you’re so in love with the sound of cash registers that you can’t hear anything else.
Edwards: Man, you’re the one who can’t hear anything. She doesn’t want you here. Just pack it in, okay?
Colby: I think I’d better talk to Linda.
Edwards: Fine. Come on down the hill. Quote her a lyric. You’ll get a real good dose of reality when you see what’s in her eyes when she looks at you.
Colby: With you hovering over the proceedings like a vulture?
Edwards: Don’t worry. I’ll give you all the room you need to ruin her father’s funeral.
Colby: You just go about your business, Edwards. And I’ll go about mine.
Edwards: You’re afraid of confronting her, aren’t you? You’re afraid because way down deep you know she doesn’t give a shit about you. And you can’t do a damn thing to help her.
Colby: That’s a bloody lie!
(Humming stops. Linda looks up at Colby and Edwards, then away.)
Edwards: I think you’d better go before I call the police.
Colby: I don’t think Linda lets her domestic help make those kinds of decisions for her.
Edwards: I’ve had enough of this crap? Move it!
Colby: You’re nothing but a sleazy showbiz hustler sucking Linda’s blood and …
Edwards: That’s it. Move it or I’m going to pop you one. No joke. (Humming picks up again.)
Colby: Then who’d be ruining the funeral?
Edwards: You would, Mr Colby. Now move it, because if you don’t things are going to get very messy, very fast. I said, MOVE IT!
(Music out. Lighting change. Quick exit by all but Colby and Edwards, who takes the witness stand. We’re back in court.)
Edwards: After the business at the funeral, well things just seemed to be getting out of hand. The harassment of Linda just had to stop. So we took the necessary steps. We’ve put about a hundred thousand dollars into various security systems in the last two years. And as far as Mr Colby goes, well, he’d come to the house in Mount Stewart as I’ve said so the next time he came to the office we phoned the police. It’s beyond me how he can say Linda’s never discouraged him. If I’d been dragged through the courts the number of times he has I’d sure feel discouraged. And that’s about it.
The Judge: Very well. Mr Colby, do you have any questions?
Colby: Yes, Your Honour. Mr Edwards you claim your worry over my attentions to Miss Barrie has led to the installation of expensive security systems. Is it unusual for a performer of Miss Barrie’s public stature to be highly security conscious?
Edwards: Mick Jagger carries a hand-gun. We haven’t gone that far yet, but sure, once a career gets to a certain point a performer has to be protected from guys like you.
Colby: I see, then you would have installed security systems regardless of my involvement with Miss Barrie. Now, you testified that I came to the house in Mount Stewart, is that correct?
Edwards: Yes, that is correct.
Colby: Mr Edwards, isn’t it a fact that I did not go to the Barrie home in P.E.I. I attended the funeral in Barrington Passage, N.S.
Edwards: The funeral?
Colby: Of Miss Barrie’s father.
Edwards: You weren’t at the funeral.
Colby: You just testified that I came to the …
Edwards: I just testified that this other guy showed up at the funeral. That made us decide we had to stop all the people who were harassing Linda. You aren’t the only guy we have trouble with, you know.
Colby: You claim I didn’t come to the funeral?
Edwards: I just told the court. You came to the house at Christmas. I invited you in to try and reach some understanding about this whole situation. We had words and you left. You didn’t show up at the funeral.
Colby: Then … why … why was I arrested after the funeral?
Edwards: Didn’t you hear a word I said? You weren’t there.
Colby: It was up on the hill … in the graveyard. We almost came to blows.
Edwards: The graveyard isn’t on a hill, not the Catholic one, anyway.
Colby: Why … why would I lie about something like that? It’s here … it was even in the paper … here in my … my scrapbook … (He leafs through his scrapbook.) Here … it’s “Linda Barrie Tops Billboard Chart” … No, “Barrie plays the Cave …,” “Triumph at the Orpheum …,” “Still a Down-Home Girl … “no, it’s … “Psychiatrist Claims Ardent Fan Mentally 111 … “no … yes … yes … here it is? “The Price of Fame": “An unwelcome guest lent a sour note to the funeral of Linda Barrie’s father in Barrington Passage yesterday. The would-be songwriter approached Miss Barrie during the burial service and … ”
Edwards: Mr Colby, you aren’t a songwriter.
(Synth tone. Colby realizes he’s way off base.)
Colby: Well I … I wanted to be at the funeral … I … I knew Linda would need someone to stand by her. But … but … when I thought about the reporters, Edwards, all the people who wouldn’t know me, and what was going on I … I … I was there with her in spirit, (pause) I failed Linda, didn’t I? That’s why she’s doing this.
The Judge: Mr Colby, are you all right? (Long pause.)
Colby: Your Honour, I … I realize that I have made a mistake here. My … the pressure of the trial has led me to mistake the occasion to which Mr. Edwards was referring. He is correct in saying that I … I did visit at Christmas. But Your Honour, this mistake
on my part in no way alters the fact that … Your Honour, despite the many attempts of the Crown to have a finding of mental incompetence brought against me by the Court I find at this time that I must once again point out that Linda Barrie has never been questioned in this matter, even though I have proved beyond a doubt that we do, in fact, have a long-standing relationship. The facts are on the record. I have sent Linda Barrie over a hundred separate items, including two items of wheat. She has never returned one of them, yet I am to be found insane because I believe she encourages my attentions. In North American society the man is encouraged to play the role of pursuer in male/female relationships. In most situations the fact that I am pursuing a women would not be considered insane, especially since I have never forced my attentions on Linda. My great crime, remember, is bringing her a love letter. That’s all, but because of Linda Barrie’s fame I have been brutalized by the court process and committed by a doctor who obviously bears me malice. My God, when I try and point out the fact that my Constitutional rights are being abused the court calls me deluded and suggest further psychiatric imprisonment.
The Judge: Mr Colby, this isn’t Russia. The issue here is not imprisonment. It’s treatment. The issue is whether or not you require psychiatric help.
Colby: The Review Board doesn’t think I need help.
The Judge: I’ll decide if you need help.
Colby: She’s using the courts. She’s manipulating the proceedings. This is her little playhouse and she’s the puppeteer. She’s arranging us like furniture.
The Judge: Mr Colby, I am not a piece of furniture.
Colby: Your Honour, although my case may be incredible, unique, even bizarre, the fact still remains that to date there is no real proof that Linda Barrie hasn’t done what I claim she has done. Say it any way you choose, but there is no arguing that the spirit of Linda Barrie hovers over these proceedings. If it didn’t, then why are there reporters off in the corner taking such voracious notes? I say, Linda Barrie’s behaviour in this matter is reprehensible and that she is indeed creating a public nuisance. If the Court wishes to prove me deluded in this matter it is a simple thing to do. Have Linda Barrie come in here and deny what I’m saying. Have Linda Barrie come in here and say she is afraid of me, that she feels endangered by me, that she personally does not want me to ever write to her again. Have her return my mail and tell me to go away. Then if I persist in my behaviour then maybe your doubts about my mental competence may have some basis in fact, but until the court takes this step then I am a victim of abuse in these proceedings.
Edwards: Your Honour, if I can interrupt here, we have had enough of Mr Colby’s implications that somehow Linda is pushing him around. She’s taping a TV show just down the street, I’ll go get her. Let’s lay this whole thing to rest once and for all.
The Judge: Miss Barrie would agree to testify?
Colby: That’s all I’m asking for.
The Judge: Well then, call Linda Barrie.
(The roar of a jet overhead. Dramatic lighting shift. Linda appears on the upstage platform in silhouette as the musical intro to “That’s Not The Way (It’s S’posed To Be)” begins. A followspot hits her. She’s dressed in an ultra-sophisticated sparkling black dress. She sings the song to Colby. The lyric deals with hidden love, suppressed anger, and confusion over the singer’s emotional relationship with the man it is address to. The song ends. Lights shift. The ASM comes on and drapes an expensive white fur over Linda’s shoulders. We are back in court, and she is talking to The Judge.)
The Judge: Would you like to be seated, Miss Barrie?
Linda: Yes, I would. I’m sorry about the way I’m dressed but I just completed a taping.
The Judge: It’s quite all right. You look … lovely. Mr Broilman?
The Crown: Miss Barrie, how long have you known the accused?
Linda: I would say approximately seven or eight years.
The Crown: Mr Colby claims there is a relationship between the two of you.
Linda: There is no relationship. The first time I became aware of him, he sent me a letter that had some kind of wheat in it, and it was a very nice letter and I wrote him back thanking him for the wheat and the letter and then he started showing up at concerts and so on, and it just went from there until he started to visit us in Mount Stewart. At that point I had the office phone the police to see if they could help keep Mr Colby away.
The Crown: Yet, Mr Colby claims you encourage his attentions. Through letters, songs, and so on.
Linda: I do not encourage Mr Colby’s attentions.
The Crown: What is your position today regarding Mr Colby?
Linda: Well, I am just frightened of him a little. He shows up at Mount Stewart. We have to deal with him at the office. He seems to have no regard for the people around me and I am very concerned about what might happen to someone, that’s my position.
The Judge: Mr Colby, do you have any questions to ask the witness?
(A pause. Then Colby decides to go for it.)
Colby: Yes, Your Honour, I do. Do you recall when you appeared in Vancouver at the Cave Theatre and Restaurant?
Linda: Yes.
Colby: Do you recall meeting me on that occasion?
Linda: Not particularly.
Colby: You don’t remember me giving you some flowers and saying from a hay baler to a herring choker?
Linda: No, I don’t.
Colby: On the back of that album, the title of which I told you I didn’t like, there was a picture of you taken at Red Hill Pioneer Village, do you recall it?
Linda: On the back of The Secret? Yes, I recall it.
Colby: There is no association between what I said to you backstage in Vancouver and that picture on the back of the album showing you and a farmer with a background of baled hay … baled hay as I recall it, is it not?
Linda: I’m feeding a goat or something.
Colby: No, a cow.
Linda: Oh, whatever …
Colby: Could I add also … were you not wearing a cape of herring-bone design in this photograph, a garment that is often worn by Maritime people?
Linda: It was just a red wool cape.
Colby: You deny that there is an association between my phrase: “From a hay baler to a herring choker” and that photograph?
Linda: The album covers are designed by a firm in the States who are paid to do that sort of thing. My only involvement in the whole process is to have my picture taken, and that’s it.
Colby: You’re trying to tell me that that picture isn’t symbolic of our meeting backstage at the Cave Theatre and Restaurant?
Linda: I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Colby: Don’t you see the contradiction in claiming you won’t see me and then sending me that kind of symbolic message?
The Judge: Mr Colby, it is clear that your interpretation of Miss Barrie’s symbolic communications is incorrect. Can we go on to something more concrete?
Colby: What about the letters, Your Honour? She’s never returned any of my letters.
Linda: My office staff reads all the letters. The only one I read from you was the one where you sent me the wheat and told me how to make chewing gum out of it.
Colby: And that was the time you wrote back and thanked me? In 1973?
Linda: Yes.
Colby: You’re going to contradict yourself. The wheat you just described … the chewing-gum wheat, I sent you that batch in 1976.
Linda: The wheat that you’ve just described is the wheat I thought arrived in 1973. I don’t remember, that’s the wheat I remember. The stuff you wanted me to chew.
Colby: There’s a three-year separation. You must have read at least two of my letters. Both times I sent you wheat.
Linda: I only remember one time.
Colby: Don’t you realize that those two parcels were separated by three years?
Linda: Do you realize how much mail I receive?
Colby: Insignificant mail that doesn’t require a
personal response?
Linda: Yes.
Colby: But on two occasions you admit taking my letters seriously enough to reply personally. Isn’t it possible that you wrote more letters which you have now conveniently forgotten?
Linda: I didn’t write any more letters.
Colby: Did you have someone write letters?
Linda: No.
Colby: Did you dictate letters over the phone?
Linda: I did not.
Colby: Did you cause letters to be written to me?
Linda: No.
Colby: Come on, Linda. Of course you did. Whose office did the letters come from? Whose publicity machine have I supposedly confused with the real person? Who is responsible for all the encouragement I’ve received over the years? Who is responsible, Linda? (pause) You are responsible.
The Judge: Is that all, Mr Colby?
Colby: I have just one more question, Your Honour. Is the snowbird having a lark with the schizophrenic jailbird? Is this a simple case of a cuckoo and a canary?
The Judge: Can you answer that question?
Linda: No.
(A pause, then the tone on the synth, lights begin to shift. Once again we are moving into Colby’s fantasy.)
Linda: Your Honour, I wonder if I might speak to Mr Colby in private for a few moments.
The Judge: If the Crown does not object. …
The Crown: No, Your Honour.
The Judge: Mr Colby?
Colby: Your Honour, that is what I have wanted all along.
The Judge: We will adjourn for a few moments. There will be a guard at the door, Miss Barrie.
(All exit but Linda and Colby. Long pause. Colby doesn’t move. He is utterly transfixed.)
Linda: Look, Mr Colby …
Colby: Jacob, please. There’s no one here but us.
Linda: Mr Colby, listen, I sing songs for a living. They’re not symbolic for me. They’re just good songs. I …
Colby: Don’t be afraid of your feelings, Linda – just because people in the courtroom don’t understand.
Linda: You’re in great danger, Mr Colby. Do you understand that? This is not a relationship. It’s a legal proceeding in a court of law. The judge has the power to institutionalize you. Maybe for the rest of your life.