The CTR Anthology

by Alan Filewod

  (Band starts to play jazz standard “So What?” Jekyll is trying to sell a poem to a customer for a quarter. Clem either helps convince the customer to buy it, or makes Jekyll leave them alone.)

  Jekyll: (Either sarcastically or gratefully) Thanks a lot. Clem, old timer, I really needed the money.

  Clem: Money, money, money in the carpet, money in the brain, money sonny no funny. Jekyll, if you’re an artist, you must learn to live on air.

  Jekyll: Keerist man, let me live in the sewer, in your attic, in the guttersnipe’s garter buckles, throw me to the rooms you keep locked from public sight, because I’m writing it all down, Clement, all down, this is it, it has it, it means it, it says it, it. BLOW MAN BLOW. Writing it down and I will splash it out word-made-flesh ON A MAJOR canvas here on the venerable venerated Rintin-tintinnabulating House of Hambourg walls. A one-man show, friend, whaddya say.

  Clem: If these bills keep coming in, there won’t be a House of Hambourg. I’ll be playing dining room piano at the King Eddy and my wife Ruthie and her cats will be out washing cars.

  Jekyll: Sharks! sharks! – will you listen to that! (Referring to the music) – so get one of your rich family to buy the place.

  Clem: What rich family?

  Jekyll: Clement, BABY, I hear you come from the most lah-de-dah scene in town.

  Clem: You know what Clem says. Clem says don’t ask questions and there will never be lies.

  Jekyll: Never look back, never! thus spoke the sage. Our Clem is a visionary. He could sell a few dreams. If Dr Jekyll gave him the dust dreams are made of.

  Clem: My dear Mcjello. Clem does not want in the first place any merchandise and in the second place he is too old for such shenanigans and in the third place this is not Morocco or Charlie Parker’s vestibule this is Toronto.

  (Jekyll waves a packet of heroin at him.)

  Jekyll: Consider it a donation. (Clem does not take the packet.)

  Clem: It’s closing time, Jekyll esteemed Hyde. (Clem turns on his heel, waving Jekyll away. Starts to put sheets of classical music on the piano.)

  Jekyll: (Singing along) So what? (Jekyll exits.)

  SCENE SEVEN: IN THE WEE HOURS

  (Herbie still perches on his stool, picking a string now and then, but above all listening to his own internal music. Ruthie works at her sewing machine.)

  Clem: In this North America, you are nobody until you’re dead. Then you’re the greatest. Billie Holiday for example – they’re all just waiting for her to drop, then she’ll be the singer of the century. (Clem goes to count the take, wearily, chomping on a cigar.)

  Clem: We’re closed now, Herbie.

  Herbie: (Without opening his eyes) That’s right, man. Closed.

  Ruthie: (Barely turning around) How much did we make?

  Clem: Barely enough to keep us in cat food, I’m afraid, dear Ruthie.

  Ruthie: I’ve made enough G-strings to last a hundred years. Maybe if we hadn’t expanded to three floors we might be able to save a penny or two.

  Clem: I’m a visionary, not a businessman. Just think of it – everyone who wants to play can play. Everyone who needs to listen, can listen. Everyone who wants to dream – can dream.

  Ruthie: I dreamt about Dr Rubinstein again last night. He threw me down into an enormous root canal. If we don’t pay him soon –

  Clem: She dreamt about Dr Rubinstein again last night.

  Ruthie: He thinks we make money if we ask for two cents from some darn university student I told him ask for more but he won’t listen and now they’re opening up clubs all over town he’ll die if they close the club he’ll have a heart attack and I’ll be left alone on this wretched globe I’ll be playing with the Salvation Army like going to afternoon concerts in the park. (Ad lib continuation as Ruthie walks out of theatre.)

  Clem: She dreams of our dentist, I dream of Schönberg. (Kennedy appears as Schönberg and begins to play. Apparition of concert audience in frame in far upstage corner.)

  Clem: Schönberg. Ah! It’s 1911. We’ve just come to Toronto. My father has an opening gala for the Hambourg conservatory. A concert of Schönberg. Schönberg is there. The shocked audience pelts him with eggs. This of course would never happen in Toronto, but in the Toronto of my dreams. Schönberg sits down in his chair, but I’m sitting in it. He sits in my lap. He doesn’t notice me. I’m not very comfortable, but I like the smell of eggs. I like the smell of eggs! (Ruthie returns, nattering about the state of their financial affairs.)

  Ruthie: The club was my idea, I know, but I said a club, not this three ring circus. And tonight – Freddie comes in and all he plays is two notes over and over again because he’s meditating.

  Clem: Ah, Ruthie, we’ve had three House of Hambourgs, Ruthie, we’ll have a fourth one. Something will happen. This town needs me, why – they’d all be crying in their soup if I pulled up my stakes. Boris won’t lend me any money. Anyway Boris is dead.

  Ruthie: Ask him anyway. (Ruthie begins to raise the dead with her broom.)

  Ruthie: Boris. Boris. (She sees Boris.) Present.

  Clem: Boris! Listen, old chap, I need seven thousand dollars and – (Boris disappears.)

  Clem: Paderewski.

  Ruthie: Present.

  Clem: I need – (Paderewski disappears.)

  Clem: Lady Eaton.

  Ruthie: Present.

  Clem: Sorry to be asking you this, but I need seven th – Paganini. (Clem and Ruthie scream when they catch sight of him and shoo him away.)

  Ruthie: They can’t help.

  Clem: (Mournfully) The Bird is dead. Bix Beiderbecke is dead. Arturo Toscanini is dead. All the masters are dead.

  Ruthie: Someone is coming. Someone is coming for you. There is a window. (Austra falls into the room. Freeze.)

  SCENE EIGHT: HOME

  (“Windows” music begins. Austra climbs through a tableau of her window at home made up by the rest of the ensemble. Tree hits her, window comes crashing down. Austra has arrived at home through the window, very late, after sneaking out with Aivars. Laila has been waiting up for her.)

  Laila: Nu tā. Beidzot mūsu princesīte ieradás. [Well, there. Finally, our little princess arrives.] Twenty-one years old and she still goes climbing through windows.

  Austra: I like windows.

  Laila: (Sarcastically) Un Aivars? Vīnšart mīl logus? [And Aivars? He loves windows too?]

  Austra: I wasn’t out with Aivars. I went to the kino. By myself.

  Laila: Tu melo. [You’re lying.]

  Austra: I saw Audrey Hepburn.

  Laila: Tu melo. [You’re lying.]

  Austra: She’s very beautiful. She’s very delicate. She’s very deep.

  Laila: You are lying. Why do you keep sneaking out of your room? Kicks, it’s kicks? One day I will barricade the windows and you will never get in again.

  Austra: Laila, izbeidz. [Laila, stop it.] (Pause.)

  Laila: Kāpēc tu are mammu runāji angliski? Kāpēc? [Why did you talk English to Mama? Why?]

  Austra: Why shouldn’t I talk English to Mama? We’re in Canada now, right? (Pause) Man loti žēl. [I’m sorry]

  Laila: Mamma raud un raud un raud. [Mama cries and cries and cries.]

  Austra: OK, I said I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me. OK. Es tūlīt iešu augšāun atvainošos. [I’ll go up and apologize right now.]

  Laila: Šā vai tā mamma ar tevi nerunās. [Mama won’t talk to you anyway.]

  Austra: Oh it’s the corpse routine. Oh boy, Es drīz būšu debesīs, bērnini. Nenemiet mani vērā. Esmu redzējusi trīs karus un divas kāzas un NT ir laiks mirt. [“I’m going to heaven soon, children. Don’t mind me. I’ve seen three wars and two weddings and now I’m going to die.”] Death, death, death.

  Laila: It’s fifteen years ago and you don’t remember a thing.

  Austra: I do remember so there I remember everything. I remember the soldiers and the donkey and the ration cards and Kalna kundze dying and under the bridge and all of it. It’s over now. It’s 1959. And I
don’t think it’s fair if Mama keeps saying she’s going to die.

  Laila: Hurry up and get married before she does die, Austra. Vai tu saproti? Apprecies. [Do you understand? Get married.] Why should Aivars marry a monkey like you, anyway, climbing out of windows in the middle of the night –

  Austra: – it’s only ten o’clock –

  Laila: – vinš grib kārtī gu latviešu meiteni, tas ir ko vinš grib [ – he wants a proper Latvian girl, that’s what he wants.]

  Austra: Oh, Aivars wants a proper Latvian girl. I sing in the choir. I go to the folk dancing. I read Latvian newspapers. I – oh, are you still – I am not going to Latvian Girl Guides tomorrow, and that’s that. They’re all babies. (Sound of baby crying.)

  Laila: (Exiting) And there goes another baby. And you’re the biggest baby of them all.

  Austra: Why should I teach them the stupid granny or grandfather knot anyway, what do they think, they’re going to go sailing when the bomb is going to drop and there won’t be any Great Lakes anyway, (Musicians cheer her on) get married! why should I go picking out china as if any of us will be here to eat off the plates in ten years time, I’m sorry about Mama, I just won’t speak, OK, I will never speak again – (Picks up the paper.)

  Austra: Hey, Laila, “Be a Walter Thornton Model. (Tableau of window changes to group of models and starts to move towards her) Whatever your ambition … Model … Secretary … Career Woman … Or Homemaker, there is a course for you. Walter Thornton training will pay you dividends for life. Only 37 dollars and fifty cents for a three week course.” Hey, Laila …

  SCENE NINE: WINDOWS

  (Austra climbs through several windows again, made up by the rest of the ensemble. “Windows” theme plays. Bedroom window – Laila calls for her train –Chorus of “Devuchka, Devuchka” like train wheels. Wall she climbs over pushing into full club – empty club.)

  Clem: What have you got to say for yourself? (Austra runs away.)

  SCENE TEN: DR HAMBOURG, I PRESUME

  (Clem hears a sound at the window and grabs a chianti bottle candleholder with which to brain the burglar. Austra comes through the window, still wearing the same clothes, as if she came upon the House of Hambourg while wandering back from Norm’s Grill. She is very tired and a little surprised at what she has done. She moves around the club. She touches the instruments. She goes to the table with the money.)

  Clem: What do you want? Is it money? Do you want money? You’re so thin. Take it, take it. You’re not the first junkie to drop in here. (Grabbing her tight by the arm) Let me see.

  Austra: I’m afraid sir that you will discover that I am not afraid of anything so if it is your intention to hurt me, twist my arm, I won’t give you the pleasure of screaming.

  Clem: Do you mind if I scream just a little? After all, I am the one who is surprised.

  Austra: Please, I am very tired. I have just turned 21 and being of age appears to be more difficult than I ever imagined. I have been looking for employment for the last 24 hours and I am very tired and I’m not going home.

  (Freeze. Both move to table, both smoking cigars.)

  Clem: So you are a runaway.

  Austra: You could call me a refugee. (Looking around) Is this a place of ill repute? This must be a place of ill repute.

  Clem: Yes, it’s an after-hours jazz club. Nasty business. But you will find the patrons to be very polite.

  Austra: Are you the owner?

  Clem: Well, I ain’t Glenn Gould.

  Austra: I am not Doris Day. Please let me work for you, sir. I will work very hard.

  Clem: Do you have any experience?

  Austra: An unhappy childhood.

  Clem: Funny, so did I. Clem failed to be a child prodigy and so ate a heap of beets. Beets were the punishment for whenever I didn’t play the piano so well especially that damned adagio. Beets for breakfast, beets for lunch, beets, beets, beets.

  Austra: Mr Owner. Give me a job. (Bullshitting) I love jazz music with all my heart.

  (Clem pulls a chair around.)

  Clem: Who’s your favourite? The Bird? The Pres? The Skunk? Or are you a fan of Mr T-H-E-ELONIOUS Monk? (The Bird – Charlie Parker; the Pres – Lester Young; The Skunk – trick question)

  Austra: I cannot tell you, but please don’t hold that against me. You see, I was struck by deafness at age of 6. But by laying my hands on the radio, I could perceive the beauty of this music. Simply I could not discern the differences between the players and the instruments – whether it’s harp or oboe – but then – shortly before my 21st birthday – during a great great storm the power of hearing was restored to me. It was then I realized that I must work in a jazz club. I came as quickly as I could. (Austra clambers up on a table.) Do you think I have an accent?

  Clem: Yes. Swiss private school. You’re not Hungarian. Or is it Czech.

  Austra: Yes. No. I grew up in … New Guinea, you see. My mother was half-Dutch, half-Persian. A distant relative of Mata Hari. My father was related to the King of India. He lost all his money in a casino. He went on a tiger hunt in order to win back his wealth and unluckily he was eaten. Hearing the news, my mother choked on a silver spoon. I was an orphan. A wealthy dowager took pity on me and I live with her in her summer home in the Muskokas. I come from Haliburton and I’m going straight to hell. You see, Mr Owner, I am 21. The Russians will invade by 1965. There is no future. Please, I am a very good waitress. The customer is always right. I make very good potato salad. The trick is in the herring. Just no sewing, that’s all, no sewing.

  Clem: And your name is – ?

  Austra: Austra.

  Clem: Sorry?

  Austra: Shirley. Shirley … Hepburn.

  Clem: Clement Hambourg.

  (They shake hands. Freeze. The door opens. Aivars appears, hat in hand.)

  Aivars: My name is Aivars Pūtvējinš. Please call me Harry. I am looking for a young woman called Austra Mednis. She is a sweet young girl with fine features and an excellent education. You may have seen her entering a museum. No? Sorry?

  (Aivars exits. Austra and Clem are lying on the floor after having smoked a couple of reefers.)

  Austra: I must tell you, Mr Clement. I am being followed. By … by … bybyby.

  Clem: You are a very good liar, I must say. And so … athletic …

  Austra: I like your green … tea … stuff.

  Clem: I was once caught climbing through the window. It was a party, in 1921 … ′22? … I think it was the Muirs, you know, the house at Castle Frank … That’s right, Caesar Finn was with me. Caesar Finn. He had a very large nose and a very small chin. Everyone was always especially nice to Caesar because he had gonorrhea. And – (He moves closer to Austra, who has fallen asleep)

  I’ll tell you a secret.

  You see I’m an expatriate too.

  From a crystal cut mili-oo [milieu]

  Via Voronezh, Moscow and London, England.

  I’m a refu-gee.

  From my fami-ly.

  I have my father’s hands.

  My father hated Stravinsky. Don’t tell anybody.

  None of them ever set foot in any one of my clubs. Of course, quite frankly my dear,

  I wouldn’t hear of it.

  But you mustn’t tell. Eternal springs one’s hope, eh, young Titania?

  It’s not a bad room, the attic.

  (The musicians return to their instruments wearing pyjamas. “Ruthie” theme. Clem carries Austra upstairs. Ruthie enters to clean up, notices Jekyll lying behind the piano, carries him out. Jekyll stumbles back into the club, Ruthie pushes him out. Clem enters club, Ruthie pushes him out by mistake. They hug, then sit down and watch the sunlight begin to stream in.

  Image of Laila looking out the window for Austra, closing it up.)

  END OF FIRST SET

  SECOND SET

  SCENE ONE

  (House of Hambourg. Scene begins with dialogue between sewing machine and drums. Other Musicians enter. We have an actual jam session.

  A
s band heats up, they play the theme for “Black Hat.” Austra enters, looking like a beatnik. On a platter, she carries the word “beat.” She grooves for a while with the sax player, then swooshes over to the piano where she draws a variety of words on paper and shows them to the audience: “bongo,” “Apocalyptic,” “Cheese Whiz,” “Eat Beats,” etc.

  Throughout the piece, Jekyll paints words from the bongo poem on the back wall.

  Austra is followed by Clem who plays the bongo drums and cheers the musicians on. Austra exits with her platter. Aivars walks through the audience with an identical platter bearing the sign “Austra Mednis.” Austra returns with some sort of drinks (non-alcoholic champagne substitute) for the musicians. During this section, Ruthie serves apple pie to a member of the audience.)

  SCENE TWO

  (Clem, presenting his musicians, but also sounding like a roll call. Assisted by Austra. Musicians respond with a bow, or a yeah. During roll call, Ruthie comes into the club carrying a fateful letter.)

  Clem: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  Black Hat!

  Herrrrbie Durbie!

  The serendipitous Babe!

  And maestro of the keys, Allen Kennedy!

  Ruthie: Maestro, he’s no maestro. Where’s his left hand? (To Kennedy) Where’s your left hand? A good pianist should be able to play everything, even Mozart.

  Clem: Well, Ruthie, yes, the left hand, but concentrate on his right hand, there are those marvellous Chopinesque stylings in his improvisations, don’t you think? Shirley, you agree?

  Austra: Maybe he doesn’t like Mozart.

  Kennedy: I love Mozart.

  Ruthie: Of course he loves Mozart, we all love Mozart, Charlie Parker grooved on Mozart. (Looks at the letter) I miss Herbie Spanier, you know, Clemmie? His trumpet is really spiritual, it’s Buddha. And Freddie Stone, where’s Freddie, the dear? Black Hat – your sound – a bit strident tonight –

  Clem: But his instrumental mastery is like that of a Paganini –

  Austra: And when he blows his … axe … all the cats and dolls at their tables are under hypnosis, shall we trance?