I walk to the open window to release a long cloud of smoke while looking out over the lake.
A piece of me is mourning Pawn. We will never be the same after what happened today. Neither one of us wanted this to happen, but it'd been bound to. It just had to. And I miss my friend already.
I’ll always back him up when he needs me, but I had to fight for her. I couldn’t not, she is my world.
I look at my phone and want more than anything to call Pawn and check on him. Instead, I walk out onto the balcony and call Blade. “Hey, brother, is he okay?”
“Not today, he’s had a hell of a fucked-up day.”
“I know, I-”
Blade cuts me off, “No, you don’t. Feather is pregnant with his baby. Pawn had no idea that was going to hit him. By your phone call, I’m guessing shit didn’t go any better after he left here?”
“No. Fuck, of all things I didn’t think that would be what he dealt with today. He came to see Tami, whatever went down between them wasn’t good.” I fill the Prez in on what all happened earlier at the hospital.
The silence suffocates my space when I hear Blade taking a deep breath and sighing. “Give him some time to lick his balls, man. I can’t imagine what he’s going through. Check in later. I got to go help with the boys.” Blade disconnects the call with the sound of crying babies in the background.
In my heart, I know I did the right thing for me, but I do feel the regret for my best friend clawing at me and wonder what will happen with him.
∞ ∞ ∞
Pawn
Tank and I took a long ride through the valley and stopped at Saint and Jenn’s house where we’re now resting.
I’m quietly brooding while Tank’s making jokes and tries to engage me in the conversation. I’m not feeling it. I can’t feel it. The light that used to be inside of me has been ripped out. I feel like I have nowhere to place my anger and that pisses me off more than anything.
Tank and Saint walk over to the bikes, leaving me alone with Jenn by the open fire pit. “You look like hell warmed over,” she absently comments.
“I feel dead. Say your worst, Jenn. I can guarantee you that it won’t hurt or bother me.”
“Words don’t matter to you at this point, Pawn. What does matter is what you think. We all know what’s going on with you three. But let me tell you something. If this was meant for you right now, you wouldn’t have walked away so easily. You would have fought for her and you. The baby, who cares, you’ll deal with it. You may love Tami, but you are not ready, because you’re carrying shit with you that needs to be taken care off. If you were ready, you would’ve been fighting harder for her all along.”
Anger that I didn’t even know existed rises in me. “I fucking love her, Jenn. I want her by my side. I just know I’m not good enough for her.”
“Then get good enough for her,” she flippantly spits back.
“Fuck you, Jenn, and your know-it-all ass. Just because you made it out the other side, it doesn’t mean that you know me,” I growl at her.
Tank and Saint come barreling back over to us. Jenn holds a hand up, halting them in place. “There it is, the fight you were looking for. See, you’re not dead, just stubborn like the rest us. And I do know it all, asshole. When you’re ready to face your drug addiction, you know where to find me.”
She starts walking away but turns around to say her final word. “I once believed the lies that I couldn’t be loved, until that man,” she points to Saint, “fought for me when we were ready. Get ready to battle.”
Saint follows his woman inside, and I’m left sitting here, thinking over her words.
I have kept Tami where I was comfortable having her. Never really giving her everything of me. I’ve hidden behind the good times and the parties, never dealing with real shit, and it’s finally caught up with me, blindsiding me with it. The weed and booze masking the pain and reality.
Tank’s heavy hand hits my shoulder. “I think Jenn knows her shit. Come on, we got some road to cover. And I mean that figuratively.”
“What?”
“Figuratively. I just learned that word. You have a lot of road to cover in life. Like, it’s a long road and today is the first step on that journey.”
We walk side by side until we reach the bikes. I shake my head and throw a leg over my seat. Where does he come up with this stuff?
If there is a battle to be won, it’s time I loaded up the guns.
Chapter 12
Pawn
A few weeks have passed, and, during this entire time, I’ve avoided Solo and Tami.
I called Blade the next morning after all that shit went down and asked for some leave time. He understood and asked me to be back in a few weeks. I’ve spent that time with my mom in Verdi, California, doing small fixes around the house, even painting the weathered and tired home I grew up in.
I did really anything that would keep my mind off my current situation.
It’s helped a lot to stay with my parents now. I avoided my father so much as a kid that I never realized who the man behind the fists really was. He never could get past whatever had his head so messed up in order to be a better person, husband and father.
I had to forgive him for not being a father at all, for all the pain he put our family through because, at the end of the day, he’s human. I did this mostly for my mom, but I needed it for myself above all. I don’t want my past clouding my kid’s future. Maybe, someday, my mom will find what she needs and, hopefully, she’ll leave that piece of shit behind her. But, for now, I needed to make peace with it.
What Jenn said to me was right. I wasn’t ready, and the timing wasn’t right in my life for Tami. Had we gone in the direction I was hoping for, I’d have dragged her through hell and back, and she would have never been the same woman. I could have ruined her with the drugs I wanted her to take with me.
I’m going to work on my happiness for them, her and Solo, but no way in fuck am I there yet. But I’ve accepted the reality and truth that I do love her, and always will. Although, for right now, I need to take care of me. It hurts, but I want to be that man who does the right things in his own life.
The loud buzz of the tattoo gun startles me from my thoughts. I look over to Tank as he puts it down and then wipes the extra black ink away from the completed piece on my chest, an angel. Tami may not be mine to keep, but she came to me at a time when I needed her. This tattoo will always be a reminder of her and what true love is, acceptance and forgiveness. She loved me when I didn’t love myself, when I didn’t show her what she deserved. She will always be my angel, and, no matter what Solo says, I will watch over her. For now, I have to set her free.
“Alright, brother, it’s all done.” Tank tapes up the fresh tatt, and I pull my shirt and cut back on. Today, I feel stronger, and I really need it for where I am going next.
“Hey, Tank.” He stops cleaning the table to look up at me. “Thanks for being there, and this…” I sincerely say and point to my chest.
“Of course, brother, I’m here for you, and anytime you need the road dog on your trip, you know who to call.”
“Aye.”
His consistent support, along with the MC’s, means everything to me.
“Catch you later, road dog.” I give Tank a little salute and head outside to jump on my bike and complete my next task, when I hear a car door slamming shut. My head instinctively pops up to look, and I see her standing there, staring at me. She doesn’t move, but the strong wind picks up and whips her long hair around.
My chest feels like it’s burning, not only from the sting of the needle, but from the sting of regret. I still want to run to her, take her in my arms and show her everything that real passion is, not just sex. I get it now, the intimacy she craved.
I hold up my hand and wave to her in the short distance. Tami’s hand rises slowly and disappears back down behind her car. “I know, angel.” The wind whisks away the raspy words never to be heard by her.
D
ropping my head, I do what I have to do and get on my bike which will take me on a different road, putting another mile behind me.
∞ ∞ ∞
I park my bike outside of Feather’s apartment building at the address that Spider sent to me. When I find her door after a few minutes of walking around, I knock and wait, then knock again. Finally, the bitch opens up looking like she just woke up.
She starts to shut the door in my face which startles the fuck out of me. Usually, she’s crawling all over me and my dick when I let her. My foot jams the door at the bottom and my hand holds it from slamming shut. “Feather, I’m not here to start shit with you, but I do think you and I need to have a chat. Please let me come in, I won’t stay long.”
A moment later, the pressure on the door lessens and she steps back. As I’m walking into her apartment, I notice things. It looks different, not at all what I was expecting. The place is barely decorated or looking like it’s lived in, and my heart sinks. This is not a home I want for my kid.
I find a spot on the couch as close to the door as possible. “I’m not going to ask you because I already know. The club knows you’re pregnant, I just want to know if you really think it is mine.”
Feather’s face grows red, and, for a moment, I think she’s not going to answer, when she snorts, “Yeah, it is, and I wish it wasn’t.”
My head jerks back at her words. Usually, these sluts want to catch one of us by getting knocked up, so, for her to be pissed over it is a little alarming. Unless she really is just a party girl and doesn’t want the hang-ups that come with having a kid around.
“If you don’t want the kid, that’s fine. I do, and I’ll take care of it.”
“You don’t get it, Pawn. I am going to take care of it.”
“What exactly are you saying, Feather?” I feel ice running cold in my veins the longer I talk with this woman.
“I can’t afford a kid and I don’t want your kid. I have other plans for my life.” She pauses for dramatic effect. “I have an appointment set to get an abortion.” She casually runs her fingers through her hair, looking so disconnected from the situation at hand.
“Can you please just listen to me a minute, Feather? That’s my kid in there too for fuck’s sake! You can have your life back after it’s born.” Panic slowly starts setting in when I see the unconcerned look on her face.
“Really, Pawn? You think you’re going to be a good dad? Rolling joints, getting high, fucking pussy… Even if I had the kid, there is no fucking way that I would want you to be a father to it. You are out of your mind, asshole.” She moves to the door and opens it, tapping her foot at me to hurry up and get out. “You can leave now.”
I bite my lip in frustration at the messed up shit I want to but won’t say to her, and storm out of the shithole she lives in. The whole way back, all I can think about is how I’m going to save my baby from that bitch. There is no way I can stop her from doing what she wants. I need a plan.
As soon as I reach the clubhouse, I go in and look for Blade in his office. Spider is already sitting in there when I barge in.
“Hey, you guys have a minute?” Both of them nod, and I shut the door behind me before I start telling them what happened at Feather’s place.
Blade rubs his chin and thinks over the problem I’m having before he comments. “I agree with you. It doesn’t seem like normal behavior. I don’t see how we can make her have the kid though, this could end really badly.”
Spider gets a gleam in his eyes. “I don’t know. As soon as she found out she was having a kid, she stopped smoking and drinking. I think if we sabotage her appointments, she won’t physically hurt the kid.”
“That’s no guarantee, brother, she could still be getting high,” Blade argues.
“We have to do something, Blade, that bitch will kill my kid,” I all but beg the Prez.
Blade rolls his head back. “I swear to fuck I’ve gotten soft since the twins were born.” He brings his head back forward and looks me in the eyes. “Pawn, stay the fuck away from her. You already pissed her off. Spider, hack into all the abortion clinics and find where she’s going, then cancel any appointments she makes until we come up with something better.”
Spider stands and heads out to his office to do just that. “Weirdest fuckin’ day ever, here I go.” With that, I get up and follow Spider to help. Anything to keep my head focused and moving forward.
∞ ∞ ∞
It took us about an hour to hack into the few clinics that do abortions and erase Feather’s information from their computer system. We also called Kat over. She and Jenn are now strolling into Spider’s office. “You brought the- know-it-all with you?” I ask Kat, teasing Jenn while mock glaring at her.
“Glad to see you lightened up, cupcake,” she deadpans and takes a seat next to Kat. She throws her legs over the armrest and starts swinging her feet back and forth. She pops a bubble with her gum and winks, “Or I might have to kill you.”
“Creepy as fuck, Jenn, but hey, thanks for your support the other day.”
“Sure, so what are me and Kat doing with your baby momma drama?” she curiously asks and patiently waits for me to answer.
“How did you know it was about Feather?” Spider tilts his head and squints at them both.
Kat butts in. “While you dumbasses have been getting your shit together, Jenn and I have been following her, and we know you went to her place and pissed her off this morning. We just came from there. Tank is watching her until we can get Blade on board with a prospect. That’s our next stop.”
Spider’s evil smile slowly crawls up his face. “What else?”
Jenn and Kat smile at each other and shrug. “We’ll see,” they both say looking back at him.
“Fuck, and we thought Vegas and Dana were bad to deal with. We need to get you two knocked the hell up.” These bitches really are scary.
“Not likely, I think there are enough of those damn things made lately, don’t you?” Kat smirks at me and raises her brow.
I flip her off and scowl, “That’s really all I was going to ask, for your help keeping tabs on Feather until we get this shit ironed out.”
“Will do, and you owe us a marker.” They both stand and get ready to walk out. Before the door shuts all the way, Jenn smiles back at us and gleefully says, “Pleasure doing business with you, boys.” The door quietly shuts behind their creepy little assassin asses.
“It feels like I just sold my soul to the twin devils, dressed as women, in black leather and lace.”
If hell was paved with good intentions, I’m headed in the right direction.
Chapter 13
Feather
I never meant to get knocked up by Pawn.
Despair washes over me as I look at the reflection in the mirror. Brad would be disgusted with me if he were still alive. I’m doing this for him, though.
After fucking my way through the clubhouse, I figured Pawn was the easiest to get to spill the club secrets. Always high and never sober. At least it seemed that way, to me anyway. All I wanted was to avenge Brad’s death and find the asshole who had killed him.
My eyes graze over the man I loved so deeply, smiling back at me from the picture I cradle in my hands. The two of us, at a banquet, dressed up, me in my formal gown and him in his uniform. He was so handsome and sweet.
He died about nine months ago, and the tears are long gone, having been replaced with my thirst for revenge. I don’t care who gets hurt at this point.
Every day, I grow more bitter, and the hate gets stronger with every step I take into the clubhouse, every time that I’m there.
Today I’m getting this little shit taken out of me at a clinic downtown.
“Sorry, honey,” I tell Brad and place his picture back into the box of the few that I kept. On my way out the door, I grab my keys and purse from the side table, then sprint the short distance to my car to drive myself over to the clinic.
Once there, I walk into the office to check in w
ith the receptionist.
“Emily Scott, I have a one o’clock appointment.”
The young receptionist starts typing on her computer, then scrolls through and keeps on looking. My anxiety starts to spike, what the hell is wrong?
“I had an appointment with Dr. Andrews. I had scheduled it over a month ago. This was the soonest you had. I know you remember, you were the one who scheduled it.”
She continues staring at the screen. “I-I remember, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened, and I can’t find you anywhere now. What did you say your name was again?”
I slam my fist on the counter and lean forward while growling at her, “Emily Scott, with two fucking t’s.” I will kill this little cunt myself if she fucks this up for me today.
She suddenly gets up from her seat, runs back into the office and grabs another woman to help her. Together, they type away, arguing, trying to figure out what this other one did.
“So, really, what you two are saying is that she deleted my account and information, so I have to start over with a consultation. Am I right? And, let me guess, the soonest you have is a month away which will put me over three months along, and then, by the time I schedule my appointment, it will be too late, you bitches!”
The office is dead silent at my outburst and I don’t give a fuck. I give them one last glare before storming out of there only to throw my body inside my car. I turn it on and drive down to a well-known bar where I sit quietly while I think about how I’m going to get myself out of this mess.
The waitress comes and I order a double whiskey. She promptly brings me the drink and walks away with her dollar tip. Desperation feeds my guilt. Even though I want an abortion, some small part of me knows that drinking while pregnant is messed up. I stopped drinking and smoking as soon as I found out. I have no idea why, does it even matter?
A few minutes pass while I stare at the honey colored liquid poison in the glass.
Lost in my idea of shooting the whiskey and killing this kid, a large man bumps the table, and the drink spills over onto the flat surface and all over my clothes. “Son of a bitch!” I yell at the asshole.
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