Sinful Protector

by Mia Ford

  “Really?” Jacqui asks, surprised.

  “I confronted him about it and…he pretty much admitted that he didn’t care if Jesse died, as long as he was gone,” I say. I run a rough hand through my hair. “He didn’t care that he was essentially giving a kill order. He tried to apologize, but he was more upset that I had overheard and that I was upset by it. Now I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

  Jacqui doesn’t say anything for a long moment. I wait tensely as she thinks.

  “Well…” she says slowly. “I have to admit that a lot of our problems would be solved if Jesse just disappeared.”

  It isn’t the reaction I was expecting. I gape, horrified.

  “Jacqui!” I yelp.

  “What?” Jacqui asks sharply. “I’m sorry, Allison, but I’m not such a good person that I’m going to stand by and not feel a certain degree of hate for the man that has hurt you. I’d never do anything about it, but I definitely wouldn’t care if Jesse just stopped turning up.”

  “I would!” I exclaim.

  “Why?” Jacqui asks curiously.

  “What?” I ask, taken aback.

  “Why would you care?” Jacqui repeats. “I get that you’re up in arms about this whole ‘conspiracy to commit murder’ idea that you’ve got rattling around your head, and I’m not surprised, considering we’re law students and we know this stuff. But if Jesse just never showed his face in front of you again for whatever reason, why would that matter to you? You were perfectly okay with never seeing him again before.”

  “Well…” I’m flustered. “Now that I overheard what Kyle was planning…”

  “Except Kyle didn’t plan anything,” Jacqui points out. “You just overheard him saying that he didn’t give a damn what anyone who found him did to him. Would you be reacting to same way if Jesse just got a beating and ended up in hospital? If he was just scared away? Yeah, Kyle implied that he didn’t care if Jesse was killed, but I can’t say I care either.”

  I purse my lips.

  “It’s not the same,” I argue. “What happens if one of Kyle’s friends finds Jesse and they call him up instead of doing anything? Kyle’s probably just as likely to pull the trigger himself!”

  “I’m not a killer.”

  I grimace at the memory of his pleading voice. I don’t know what he is. I just know that I’ve misjudged him.

  “Well, I think you’re being a judgmental bitch right now,” Jacqui says simply when I voice this.

  “What?” I gasp.

  “Kyle says one thing that you don’t like and you blow up at him and decide that you misjudged him?” Jacqui asks. “You can’t have misjudged him… You didn’t even know him! What, exactly, do you know about him?”

  I frown.

  “He’s a mechanic,” I say. “He’s part of that Roughshod Rollers club. He has a motorbike. He…”

  I trail off.

  “Yes?” Jacqui presses.

  “He wants to protect me for some reason,” I finish quietly.

  Jacqui scoffs.

  “And that’s it?” she asks. “So, you decided to judge him based on that limited information. You don’t know what he’s been through, or why this thing with Jesse is hitting him so hard. But that guy has already done a lot for you, regardless.”

  I grimace.

  “Jacqui, I just…” I sigh. “Overhearing that, it…”

  Surprisingly, however, Jacqui sighs, calming down. It surprises me that she would immediately go on defense of Kyle, but I know that she likes him and thinks he’s been good for me in the last week.

  “I know,” she says. “But, you know, everyone has a darker part of their personality. Look, if Kyle did actually commit murder, then that would be different. But this is different, you know. He wasn’t even conspiring to murder. He was just saying he didn’t care. Yeah, he probably knows what some of his friends are like, and he probably knows that some of them wouldn’t hesitate to throw Jesse in the river. But, the only thing he’s at fault for is putting out the word that he doesn’t give a damn.”

  I know what Jacqui’s saying. But I still can’t agree with it. Maybe she’s right and I jumped the gun; Kyle wasn’t actively saying that he wanted Jesse killed. And, for all I knew, he might just have a morbid sense of humor, which I haven’t yet seen from him, and his friend would have taken what he said with a grain of salt.

  But I also know that Kyle was serious about wanting Jesse out of my life, no matter how it happens. He is completely okay with Jesse disappearing and never knowing why.

  Maybe I would have been okay with that too, until I heard that. Now, if Jesse does disappear, what am I supposed to think?

  “I think I need to think about this a little more,” I say to Jacqui.

  “Yeah, that’s fine,” Jacqui says with a sigh. “And, Allison? I do get it, I know. I know you feel a little betrayed right now, and that you’re trying to figure out if you’ve let some crazy murderer into your life. But I think you should actually talk to Kyle before you make any decisions.”

  “Maybe,” I say quietly. “I’ll see you in class, Jacqui.”

  “See you,” Jacqui sighs.

  I hang up the phone and stare at it. Jacqui’s words and Kyle’s words are tussling for space in my mind. And I can’t get that pleading look Kyle had given me out of my head, as though he was begging me to understand.

  Understand what, though? I suddenly scoff and stalk to the kitchen. Maybe later, when I’m not as angry, I can think this through and maybe bring myself to talk to Kyle about it. Right now, though, I’m perfectly okay with not seeing him for a while.

  Suddenly, the phone in my hand rings again. Irritated, I look down at it. My eyebrows shoot up at the name on the screen.

  Jesse

  Of course. Things are already going badly, and he just shows up to make it all so much worse. I scowl and cancel the call. I don’t want to talk to him.

  I don’t want to talk to anyone.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Kyle

  It’s strange how heavy I feel as I ride home. If I’m honest, I know why Allison is so angry at me. Even if I meant what I said, I didn’t mean for her to overhear, and I didn’t mean for her to draw some terrible conclusions as a result.

  But what do I do about it now? She’s told me to leave her alone, and I have to obey that, even if I don’t want to.

  On the other hand, Jesse is still a threat. What am I supposed to do about that? I can’t protect Allison if I’m not there. I also can’t protect her if I’m in jail because she follows through on her threat.

  I tighten my grip on my handlebars. There’s very little that I can do right now, and I know that. I wish Allison had allowed me to speak to her, but she was too upset to want to listen to me.

  Part of me is, admittedly, hurt by that. Fine, she overheard me say something she didn’t like. So that’s it then? I’m just a fucking murderer that she doesn’t want anywhere near her?

  This, I know, is that problem with how fast we moved. We’ve jumped straight into bed three times now and we haven’t taken the time to get to know each other. Maybe Allison wouldn’t have been so shocked if she knew more about me. Maybe I would have been more careful about my thoughts if I had known more about her.

  Then again…I think about Jesse and scowl. No, I don’t regret saying that I wish he would disappear. But both Grant and I knew it was stupid. Grant would never have put that word out. I would never want to be a party to murder and, on top of that, I wouldn’t want anyone else to get in trouble for murder, either. At most, Jesse would have gotten the beating of his life. Then he would have been allowed to walk (or hobble) away and live the rest of his life in peace, which is more than the scumbag fucking deserves.

  If he died, then I’m not going to shed a tear over him. But I’m not stupid enough to have a direct hand in his murder. I’ve done some shit over my life, but that’s the line I won’t cross.

  Except Allison wouldn’t let me explain that. She just kicked me out,
refusing to listen, and now, here I am, stewing about it on my way home, trying to figure out how to get her to hear what I have to say.

  In my pocket, my phone beeps with an incoming message. I wonder if it’s Allison and then kick myself. It wouldn’t be. The disgust in her eyes told me all I need to know right now.

  Still, it couldn’t be important, so I pull over and open the message. It’s Ethan.

  “Haven’t seen you for a while. Lily misses you!”

  I consider the message. Maybe going around to play with Lily is just what I need right now. Also, being able to vent to Ethan won’t hurt. I send him a quick message to tell him I’ll be over soon and then stick my phone back in my pocket.

  Right now, I need a distraction.

  “So, let me get this straight… Allison overhears you saying you won’t care if Jesse gets killed and blows up at you?” Ethan asks, blinking.

  “That’s the gist of it,” I say with a yawn.

  “That’s tough,” Ethan says sympathetically. “Still, it was pretty stupid of you to say something like that.”

  “I was venting,” I say, exasperated. “You and I both know Grant would never have put that message out.”

  “Does Allison?” Ethan asks.

  I scowl. No, she doesn’t, which is entirely the point.

  “Then, when you went to apologize, she asks you if you meant it, and you pretty much tell her that you did,” Ethan continues. “I don’t know what message you’re trying to send her here, but I’m not surprised that she got angry.”

  “I do get it,” I say to Ethan. “I know why she got angry. But…” I frown. “You didn’t see that way she looked at me, man. It was like…”

  “Like you were the scum of the earth and you didn’t deserve to be in the same space as her?” Ethan suggests.

  I’m about to snap at him; it’s exactly how she had looked at me, but I didn’t need to hear it said so bluntly. But then I look at the twisted expression on Ethan’s face, and I remember what he’s gone through and why he ended up a single father to a ten-year-old girl.

  It’s easy to forget, sometimes, because it happened so long ago.

  “Yeah, that was it,” I say with a sigh, deflating.

  Ethan shoots me a quick smile, the darkness disappearing from his eyes as he claps me on the shoulder. I hear running footsteps coming from the bathroom, and I look up as Lily dashes into the room, beaming when she sees that I’m still here.

  “Uncle Kyle, do you want to help me build a tower now?” she asks excitedly.

  I glance at the girl. She’s almost the spitting image of her father, though she inherited her mother’s curly brown hair and big eyes. It’s been a long time since I thought about Fiona, and I’ve put her out of my mind now. She’s gone, and she left Ethan heartbroken and her kid without a mother. The two of them are much better with Georgia in their lives.

  That’s if Ethan can ever figure out just how much she loves him, I think wryly.

  “Sure,” I say, sliding down to the floor.

  I don’t really want to make a tower of blocks, but I’ve got little else to do right now. I didn’t realize just how much time I’ve been putting into watching Allison these last few days until suddenly I had nothing to do.

  “Let’s make the tallest tower in the world,” Ethan says cheerfully, sitting on the floor opposite me as Lily drags a box of blocks over.

  “Yeah!” Lily says, tipping the entire box over.

  I see Ethan wince and I grin; that’s going to be a chore to clean up later.

  “So, what are you going to do now?” Ethan asks as he selects a yellow block.

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “Well, you were watching over her, right? What are you going to do about that?”

  “I don’t know,” I say glumly. “She promised she’d call the police on me if she saw me again.”

  Lily looks up at me sharply. “Uncle Kyle, did you do something bad?”

  “No!” I protest as Ethan laughs.

  “No, he didn’t,” Ethan reassures her. “He was just an idiot, that’s all.”

  “Oh, okay,” Lily says, accepting that.

  I glare at Ethan. Exactly what has he been telling her that she would so easily accept that I behaved stupidly? I did, of course, but I’m not a stupid man, usually.

  Ethan just winks at me and I roll my eyes.

  “Anyway,” I continue. “Maybe I just need to find a new hiding place.”

  “I hate to say it, man, but you aren’t inconspicuous,” Ethan points out. “You’re the sort of guy that people are going to notice.”

  “Well, what else am I f-” Ethan glares at me before the swear word leaves my mouth and I stutter, glancing at Lily, “… supposed to do?”

  “I don’t know,” Ethan admits, giving me a last suspicious glare. “And watch your mouth.”

  “Sorry,” I say.

  “Was Uncle Kyle about to say ‘fucking’?” Lily asks innocently.

  “It wasn’t me!” I deny instantly.

  “Lily, don’t say that,” Ethan scolds, scowling. “Who did you even hear that from?”

  “Tom,” Lily says with a shrug. “He said it when you dropped him home the other day.”

  Ethan’s eye twitched. “Of course he did.”

  “You dropped Tom home?” I ask curiously.

  “He…” Ethan hesitates. “You didn’t hear this from me, okay? He ran into a bad spot, I think, and got beaten up. It doesn’t surprise me, with a mouth like his. Lily and I drove past on the way home from school, and saw him lying in an alley, so we got him home.”

  “He’s lucky,” I comment. “First that you own a car, second that you saw him at all.”

  “Yeah,” Ethan agrees.

  “Did he see who did it?” I ask.

  “Nah,” Ethan says with a shrug. “He didn’t like me asking questions. I’d say it was someone he knows outside the club.”

  I nod. Despite the fact that very few people like Tom, no one in the club would raise a hand against their own.

  “I’m going to have to talk to him about mouthing off in front of my daughter,” Ethan adds, scowling heavily. “Lily, you’re grounded if I hear that word again, you hear?”

  “What about Uncle Kyle?” Lily protests. “He was about to say it, too!”

  “Right,” Ethan says seriously. “Kyle, you’re grounded, too, if I hear that word again!”

  “You can’t ground me!” I protest.

  “Watch me,” Ethan says, glaring.

  I shut my mouth. Ethan in protective father mode is not someone that I want to argue with. Ethan grins, satisfied.

  “Now, back to Allison,” he says.

  “Who’s Allison?” Lily asks.

  “Uncle Kyle’s girlfriend,” Ethan says.

  “She’s not…” I try, but Lily’s face lights up.

  “Can I meet her?” she gasps.

  Probably not, considering she was threatening to call the police on me. Ethan laughs.

  “Maybe another time,” he says to his daughter while glancing at me. “Anyway, as I was saying before, there’s no way you can hide without her noticing you.”

  “There’s other alleys,” I protest. “And trees…”

  I imagine myself trying to hide behind a tree and wince. Maybe Ethan’s right. I really do stand out too much. I’m too tall for my own good.

  “I’ll figure something out,” I say.

  “So you are going back?” Ethan asks.

  I carefully put a blue block on top of the wobbly tower that we’ve started to form.

  “Yeah,” I say. “I’ll give her a few hours to calm down, then I’ll go back. That way she’ll be less likely to call the police on me if she does see me.”

  Ethan is quiet for a long moment, and the only sound is Lily’s humming as she sorts through the bricks for the color she wants.

  “Why?” he finally asks.

  “Why what?” I ask, confused.

  “Why go to all this troubl
e?” he says, frowning at me. “You’ve only known this woman a week. Now you’re risking jail time after she told you to leave her alone? What is it about her that makes you act like this?”

  “It’s…” I hesitate, trying to figure out what I want to say. “It’s like I can’t stay away from her, you know? I’m scared about what’ll happen if Jesse gets to her while I’m not there. And…”

  I trail off. There’s no way I can talk about how addictive her touch is in front of Lily. I clear my throat.

  “I don’t know,” I admit. “I just know that I want to protect her and that I can’t bear seeing anything happen to her.”

  Ethan frowns at me, considering this.

  “It’s nice,” he says. “But don’t you think everything is moving a little too fast? You only met her last Wednesday night. Your entire relationship has been based around Jesse so far. That can’t be healthy. Doesn’t that mean she’s only holding on to you because you’re protecting her from Jesse, and that you’re only going back to her because she’s in danger?”

  I won’t say I haven’t considered the possibility. Allison and I have tied ourselves together too tightly, too quickly. I think maybe it even started out like that.

  But the feelings I have for Allison right now… They’re warmer. I can’t really classify them. Her smile makes something happy and comfortable bloom in my chest, and it pleases me when she’s happy. And it’s oddly painful to feel like she’s rejected me.

  “I…don’t think it’s like that anymore,” I say, not sure how to explain all this. “At least, not on my end. And she keeps telling me that she doesn’t need me to protect me. Though…”

  I grimace. Two of the three times we’ve had sex were because she wanted me to help her erase the thoughts of Jesse. Maybe Ethan was right. Maybe everything we’re feeling is because of the threat Jesse poses to us.