Forty-two Minutes

by Janay Harden

  “And what does that mean?”

  “Hey, I don’t want any problems,” Jaxon put his hands up. “Don’t shoot, don’t shoot,” he teased.

  I winced. I didn’t like when anyone said that phrase these days. But it sounded especially vile coming from Jaxon. I wrung my hands. Why did Jaxon affect me like this? Why did I let him? It was like he barged his way into my life, giving me instructions. When he came around, I felt like he took away my choices. But yet, he was a necessary evil in my world to get where I was going.

  “Hey, ya’ll.” I heard his voice before I saw him. Even over the blaring music, I heard him. Turning around, Will stood before me and my stomach jumped; I was caught up in the rapture, Anita Baker style.

  I swallowed. Butterflies? For Will?

  He wore a cream sweater with a gold link necklace. His jeans were crisp, and his sneakers were fresh; not a scuff in sight. The earring in his left ear gleamed bright, and when he smiled, his white teeth blinded me. He was so tall, I never noticed how tall he was. The day in the cafeteria when we fell into each other, I looked up at him and into his eyes. Something about gazing up at him and him peering down at me made me feel protected. But now we were arguing, and I didn’t know what to believe or what to think. But damn… he looked good.

  “Hey, Will,” Mila and I said at the same time. I glared at him too—just in case he was still mad at me.

  “Is Malachi here?” I looked over Will’s shoulder.

  “No, we didn’t come together. What’s everyone drinking?”

  “My man,” Jaxon walked up and slapped Will’s back. “Here’s a cup, please enjoy yourself.”

  Will took a cup and grinned at Jaxon.

  “Let’s go. The cheerleaders are setting up a game of beer pong and everyone is lit.” Jaxon gave a mischievous grin. The way he said lit made me cower; like he invented the word. The room next to us erupted in laughter and cheers. Glancing around, the inside of the house resembled the outside. Hoards of teenagers with red cups moved about the home. It seemed the entire senior class was here tonight, squeezed into this mansion. Everyone had their own reasons for attending, but one thing we had in common was our need to hold on to high school, for one more minute.

  Mila and I were doing the same, I suppose. Thoughts of the future worried me, even though somehow, I knew things would work out. I knew they would work out because I was going to do the work and make sure they happened. I didn’t have a silver spoon like others, but I had a work ethic like no other and that had to be worth something, right?

  Mila scanned the room for more red cups and when she found them, handed them out one by one. She was getting started.

  “Thank you, me Lady,” Elijah, a football player, said to Mila.

  Mila giggled and shifted her weight. She kicked out her leg and her black stockings exposed a large run. I covered my mouth and stifled a cough.

  “What?” she mouthed.

  I pointed to the run in her stocking, and she arched her back to see for herself.

  “Shit,” she huffed.

  The music already pounded through the house when someone turned it up even louder. I could feel the walls shaking in my chest. Was it the alcohol or the music? I wasn’t sure.

  “Indy,” Will walked up and shifted his eyes. “Let’s talk.”

  I nodded and followed him into the hallway where we stood in front of each other, eye to eye. This time I leaned in closer, hoping to smell his cologne like I had once before but he pulled away.

  “We’re worried about you.”

  Excuse me? “Who is worried? And about what?”

  “Maybe you should… see someone. You know… like your mom.” He looked down at his feet when he said, “like your mom.”

  “You think I’m like my mom?”

  His eyes were wide. “N-no, that’s not what I’m saying. I just think you should talk to someone.”

  I stared at Will. “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

  “Indy, you’re so up and down these days and snapping at everyone. I don’t know what to think. I just know we’re worried about you.”

  “And who is we?”

  “You know… us. Me, Malachi, Mila.”

  “You guys have been talking about me? Mind your fucking business.” My fingers tingled and sweat sprang to my forehead. The gloss on my lips dried off, and I bit down on my bottom lip, tugging at the skin. The curse word spilled from my lips with disgust. I looked Will up and down as I enunciated each syllable; and I meant it. He was against me too, obviously. They thought I was crazy. I had a few outbursts, and I cried in the car with Will and… the voices… but he didn’t know about those. Right? No, he didn’t know, he couldn’t.

  I stomped back into the kitchen. Like your mom, Will had said. He mentioned that part for a reason. Coming from him, this was a gut punch. He was there when they first took my mom away. He was at my house when the police showed up and said there had been an accident. When they said accident, my heart skipped a beat; she had gone and gotten herself killed. This would devastate Sidney. It would devastate me too, but Sidney was younger. I was older and could take it. But she didn’t get herself killed and she gave no rhyme or reason for her behavior.

  So many times, when I didn’t know I needed someone, he always showed up to save me. When Will and I were freshman in high school, he came to me with a crazy idea for us to take each other’s virginity. It made sense at the time—to get the whole thing over with, and to say we did it. Mila poked fun at us for not having done it sooner. I trusted him and had even considered the idea, but I decided against it. We were friends and I didn’t see him in that way. Not then at least. Did I now? Not long after, I started dating Malachi, and we never broached the subject again. But I considered it.

  My best friend now challenged my mental state. He thought I was nutty. Will knew a lot of things about me, but he didn’t know everything. He didn’t know that even if I was like my mom,—as he says—I couldn’t just go “see someone.” At the stroke of midnight this coming month, we didn’t have any health insurance. Dad’s hours at the center were reduced and with that went his coverage. Sidney was okay—her dad took care of her. But me and Dad, we lost insurance. Dad said we would apply for the state aid, but when I searched online, it said there was a 90-day waiting period. I guess I could call now for help since there were still two weeks left in the month, but what was the point in going through all of that and not being able to finish? College wasn’t just my future and opportunities. It was access to mental health. Will was right about one thing; my moods were up and down. I wondered if seeing someone was the best thing for me too, but I had to wait. Being poor was a bitch. Still, who was Will to bring it up to me? And like this—at the party of the year we’ve been talking about since school started?

  “I’ll take two cups,” Malachi entered the room. He was wearing his Tunica Rivers varsity jacket, jeans, and a baseball cap to the back. He resembled a black version of Jaxon.

  “You are super ready, my friend,” Jaxon handed Malachi two cups as he requested.

  “One thing I don’t play about is food and drink. I likes me food, and I likes me drink,” Malachi rubbed his belly. He was mad corny, but it was cute. I wanted to grab Malachi right then and ask him to talk, but he was making his rounds around the room and greeting his other team members. My eyes followed him until he made his way to me.

  “Indigo,” he greeted me. Indigo, he said. Any other time it was Bae or Indy; today—it was Indigo.

  “Can we talk?”

  “Maybe later,” he shrugged his shoulders.

  “Later my man, later,” Jaxon leapt over Malachi’s shoulders and pulled him backwards. “He’s mine tonight!” Jaxon grinned and pulled Malachi and me into another room of the house. This room was even larger than the kitchen and filled with trophies. Looking into the cabinets, I saw decades worth of golf awards lin
ing the walls. A piano sat off in a corner of the room and the cathedral ceilings echoed at the bellowing music. I spotted Joya sitting on the piano and she was dancing in place. She had two red cups and was giggling; her eyes were low, and she nodded in my direction. I had just talked to Joya earlier when I confirmed the details for her appointment tomorrow. I didn’t know she would be here too. I heard a few juniors say they would be crashing the party just because it was at Bordeaux Mansion, but I didn’t think she would be one of those students. Not in her condition.

  “You need another drink,” Nico moved in front of me.

  My eyes lit up with surprise, “When did you get here? I’m so happy to see you!” I threw my arms around his neck.

  “Woahhh,” he fell back. Nico was a familiar face, and one that was not mad at me. Even after I lost it on him.

  “I’ve been here about an hour. Shit is crazy, right? Look at all these people!”

  I wanted to tell Nico how sorry I was for my behavior the other day, but the music was so loud I was already screaming in his ear to talk to him. He tilted his head towards me to hear better and he watched Leo, a football player, walk by him. Nico eyed him up and down before pulling away from me.

  “Indy, I gotta go.” He eyed Leo once more, and they retreated to another part of the house. I stood there alone. I looked around and observed people laughing, drinking, and some kissing. My head was pounding, and I steadied myself against the wall. The room spun. I watched Mila dance on an oval-shaped table. There were at least ten chairs around the room, and she flung each one out of her way—it was enough of a catwalk for Mila. She wobbled walking on top of the table, but soon she straightened up. The hole in her stockings had grown, and Mila in one swift motion kicked off her combat boots, rolled down her stockings exposing her bare legs and threw them at Jaxon, who had returned to the room. He and the football players cheered her on, forming a circle around her. Ever the performer needing attention, Mila walked more pronounced and sang now too. She gyrated on the table and twerked when Rihanna blared through the speakers. This time I didn’t stop her.

  “Here, take this.” Jaxon handed me a joint.

  I froze.

  I drank at parties even though it wasn’t my favorite—I didn’t like the way it made me feel. But smoking weed, that wasn’t my thing either. After a moment I thought, what the hell. I puffed Jaxon’s small joint from his hand, and he gave me an approving smile. Feeling someone watching me, I glanced over my shoulder and saw Malachi peering at me intently.

  Stumbling to him I asked, “Can we talk?”

  He nodded and took another sip from his cup. He didn’t want to talk when I first asked but liquid courage left him chatty. Malachi and I searched for an empty room throughout the house, but it seemed like there were teenagers everywhere, doing everything. “Oops, sorry,” Malachi opened a door and quickly closed it. “My eyes cannot unsee that,” he shuddered. We found an empty room at the end of the hall and it was the same size as my room, Sidney’s closet, and Dad’s bedroom combined. The gigantic bed rested in the middle and two chaise lounges were in corners of the room. The master bath had a large tub and separate shower with double sinks. It even had a small footstool in the middle. I didn’t think people used those little footstool things, but today they proved me wrong. Malachi leaned up against the footstool, his sneaker perched on the cabinet.

  “So, what’s good?” He crossed his arms at his chest.

  “I-I-I just wanted to apologize for our conversation the other day. I was upset, and it came out wrong. And for that I’m sorry.”

  “It’s cool,” his eyes were blank, and he didn’t move.

  “Are we okay?”

  Malachi rolled his eyes. “You broke up with me for nothing, so it is what it is.”

  “You don’t know what’s going on!” I shrieked. My voice rose. “I have these thoughts and-and—I just don’t know what to do with them.”

  “In the meantime, what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to go to college, that’s not my thing, and it’s never been. I went along with it because of you. I love you. I’ve always loved you. Enough to even follow you to college. And I was going to, I thought long and hard about it. I applied to City College too, and I got in. But I can’t.”

  I took a seat on the edge of the tub and sighed.

  “I didn’t know you got into City College.”

  Malachi shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t tell you. You were kind of on my back about it, and I didn’t want to disappoint you. When I opened the letter and saw my name and congratulations, it didn’t feel like me. It didn’t feel like my story.”

  “What are you going to do then?”

  He shrugged his shoulders again. “I’m not sure yet. I might just get a job. I’ll figure it out along the way.”

  “So, no plan, huh?”

  He laughed and his shoulders bounced. “Indy, every part of your life doesn’t need to be planned. You’re seventeen.”

  I pondered Malachi’s words, but they didn’t feel natural to me or like I could get lost in them. There was no ceiling in Malachi’s house, and I needed four walls and a plan to keep things moving forward. I didn’t understand this, “I’ll figure it out jargon”—he might as well have been speaking Spanish because yo no comprendo. Malachi dropped on his hands and kneeled in front of me.

  “We had a good run,” I said.

  “We did,” he nodded.

  A tear threatened to drop in the corner of my eye. I didn’t feel sad though, I just knew I should have.

  “Friends?”

  “Friends,” he half-smiled.

  We rose at the same time and faced each other. Instinctively we fell into our routine and did what we had done the past year. He leaned in and kissed me on the lips.

  I let him.

  When I didn’t stop him, he kissed me all over my mouth and my face. His hand slipped up my shirt, and I still didn’t stop him. We kissed in the mansion bathroom quietly, and then quickly. I didn’t stop him. My hand slipped behind Malachi’s neck when I felt buzzing from his waist. I pulled back, and Malachi took his phone out of his pocket.

  “Hello?”

  I heard Malachi’s mom on the phone; she was talking fast. I heard her say car.

  “Okay, okay,” Malachi shook his head. “I’ll be there.”

  “What happened?”

  “My mom got stuck at work and she needs a ride. I have to go pick her up.”

  “Doesn’t she work close to an hour away?’’ I went with Malachi and his mom a few times to her job, and it was far. Malachi tried introducing her to Uber or Lyft but she was old-school. She saw her beloved Chris Cuomo, who she swore was Black on the inside, reporting on a string of ride-share attacks. She watched the same thing every night in rotation. It was the usual suspects: Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and CNN. She decided women weren’t safe

  to travel this way and alas; Malachi was his mom’s Uber.

  “Yes,’’ he sighed.

  “Do you want me to come? You’ve been drinking.”

  “I’m good, I got this.”

  “Malachi, you’ve been drinking,” I repeated. “A lot.”

  “I’m fine. We good though, Indy?”

  I wiped my mouth and applied lip balm from my pocket. Knowing this would probably be the last time I kissed Malachi for a while, I batted my eyes at him and said, “We’re good.”

  Malachi and I walked outside to his car and he said, “I’ll text you on my way back.”

  “Be safe and text me as soon as you get to your mom,” I slapped the hood of his car.

  I glanced up at the house. The windows were open, and the rooms were lit up. I had an unobstructed view into each room, and it reminded me of those open doll houses. I peered into each room. This would be a good night; I could feel it.

  I stood there in a trance and spied everyone. My breathi
ng became shallow, and my ears rang, as my thoughts returned that quickly… I see them, but they don’t see me… I could easily get to one of them in the house. They’re all high and tipsy, anyway. My mouth curled into a sly smile. My thoughts were uninterrupted and running wild with visions of how I could hurt one of them. Anyone would do.

  In the distance, Joya was walking down the gravel road alone. What was she doing? I squinted to see better but couldn’t. Cars were everywhere, but it was dark out here. I hollered down the road in her direction, but soon, a familiar silver car with tinted windows pulled up next to her and shut off their lights. Joya leaned in the window, throwing her head back and laughed. The same laugh she gave at the park months ago. She walked to the passenger side and got in. The car rode past me kicking up dust all around, until it was gone.

  CHAPTER 15

  Back in the house, Mila was slumped over a couch playing on her phone.

  “What are you doing?” I plopped down next to her.

  “I drank too much. I’m trying to get it together.”

  “We’ve been here an hour,” I giggled.

  Nico was now on the table, sandwiched between two football players. His shirt was off, and he had one of the cheerleader’s bras wrapped around his head, wearing it like a hat. I laughed, looking up at him. These are the days that we would remember. I took brain pictures of it all.

  Will came from somewhere and plopped on the couch next to me. Mila’s body twitched when he sat down, but his body warmed up sitting next to me. My head leaned on Mila’s and my leg bounced against Will’s when I smelled his cologne. Maybe Will and I could… no, he dated Mila. He was off limits. Girl code 101. But he smelled so good. I closed my eyes as I inhaled his scent.

  “No resting, no one is resting! This is over—let’s go,” Jaxon turned the music back up.