Forty-two Minutes

by Janay Harden

  “Thanks anyway, India, let me know if you need anything else.”

  “Indigo. My name is Indigo.”

  A dense fog settled over Tunica Rivers in the mornings. It hung there, thick and brooding. When you live here your entire life with nowhere to go and nothing to do, you notice the subtle changes. So many people didn’t make it out. I noticed the kids’ parents at school; they were proud to be first born and raised here. The same way Dad was proud. They didn’t care what happened to them; they made their choices and were living the effects of them. Choosing to stay home where life is as it always was, and for some that was a welcomed treat—a warm blanket on a chilly night. For others, it enveloped them like smoke. It fumed around them, getting into every orifice in their body as it invaded their lungs, brain, most of all—heart.

  Sitting at Tunica Rivers graveyard, Mama Jackie’s gravesite was in front of me this Saturday morning. I brushed some old leaves away from the headstone and laid down the new flowers I just got from the Piggly Wiggly. Some people would do anything they could to get out and make it. And sometimes, those same people came back. But when they did, they were different. It hardened them. They didn’t dream anymore; they didn’t laugh. They worked at the glass plants in town, backbreaking work—but it was steady and always readily available. For someone returning from putting their dreams on the line only for it to not work out, that became the highlight: stability and consistency. Always knowing where your next check came from and working for the next forty years didn’t sound so bad. Not when you had met the alternative.

  I didn’t want it.

  I had to change my reality. Saying yes to Jaxon would help me do just that. I wrote two papers for him last week and one the week before that. It wasn’t too bad, and the words came easily for me. It was simpler than having to answer questions about those pictures. Besides, I already decided when this was all over, I would convince Jaxon to delete them all. From his iCloud, too. How—I didn’t make it that far yet, but that was my plan. Through this process, what angered me the most was I still told no one his secret. I still told no one that he couldn’t read, could barely write, and his family was covering for him. He dared to blackmail me when I had dirt on him too. I guess that was the difference between us. I held his secrets, and he exploited mine.

  I didn’t want to be one of those people who came back to Tunica Rivers with nothing to show for it. I watched my dad break his back day after day and he too had nothing to show for it. That couldn’t be me. It wouldn’t be me.

  I applied for the scholarship Mrs. Montague gave me. There was a box on the application which asked if your guardian was a single parent. I didn’t know how to answer that part. Was Dad considered a single parent? Was it even fair to assume that he was? Mom was technically still around, even though she wasn’t with me every single day. In some ways, I had both of my parents, and in other ways I didn’t have either of them. And in the most scary way of them all, I had no one.

  I kept Mom in my head to myself. Dad and Sidney were wrapped up in Ms. Arletha. It relieved me that Dad and Sidney had her; they needed something to look forward to. I had something to look forward to—college.

  Controlling Mom was becoming easier. I googled symptoms of Schizophrenia, and it said to keep a mood journal. I noted the times I heard her voice; she always came when I was with Jaxon and when I was nervous. She was missing from my happier and quieter moments. She was never there when I was with Malachi or even Will. That was how I deduced that she didn’t come during happy times. If I just stayed happy, she went away. I had to stay happy. Had to. How did someone stay happy, though? Was it possible? I wasn’t sure, but I had to learn quickly. At least when I made it to college, I could see a professional there. I checked the Titus University website and they had a counseling department; I would make an appointment as soon as I got on campus. There was no use saying anything to Dad right now. We still don’t have insurance and truthfully—he was happy right now. Happier than I had seen him since before Mom went away. I kept my mood journal, and I thought I was doing a good job of managing the thoughts. In a few months, I could handle it on my own, and he would be none the wiser. I didn’t want to leave Tunica Rivers and come back with a mental disorder. I wanted to simply—leave.

  I was so deep in my thoughts I didn’t hear her walk up. Her shadow enveloped me, and I saw the outline of her shapely silhouette.

  “Hey, Mila,” I smiled without turning around.

  “Hey, girl,” she sat beside me at Mama Jackie’s grave.

  “You are a real-life stalker,” I giggled.

  “Well, that is the point of your location being turned on your phone, correct?” she snorted.

  Mila and I had a running habit about showing up to where the other was if our locations were close.

  “Where were you?”

  “I met JT before his game.”

  I groaned. The Mila and JT show continues.

  A tear fell from my eye. I’m not sure where it came from, but a cold feeling accompanied it and Mila wiped my cheek. Mila wouldn’t care about pictures coming out. That wouldn’t bother her. In fact, the party wasn’t the first-time the senior class saw Mila dance on tables, or topless. If someone was going to give Mila attention and create a scene in which she could be the star, she always took the opportunity. She had joked that she should forgo college and instead attend NBA All Star weekend and land herself a baller. She was content being the trophy wife and the life that came with having pretty privilege. White privilege, too. No, she didn’t care about pictures. They helped her get to where she was going by getting her attention, albeit negative attention. Attention was attention for her. Everyone wanted to get where they were going in a sense, and everyone was subtle in the ways in which they went about it. Jaxon blackmailed me, Mila used her body and me… I planned and plotted and used other people too.

  “I didn’t get in.”

  I was confused, but soon, I knew what she meant.

  “City College?”

  “Yeah. I got the letter the other day. They said my SAT scores aren’t high enough. They offered some sort of remedial program. I go to the summer program, take a few placement tests, and they’ll admit me on a trial basis.” Mila and I had taken the SATs together last year, and she didn’t do well. Mila is notorious for not being able to take a test without some dramatics. During the SATs last year, I watched her get up and go to the bathroom at least three times. I mouthed “What’s up?” and she pointed to her butt and her eyes got big.

  Diarrhea.

  Mila’s nerves were so bad she had diarrhea during the SATs. When the test time was up, she wasn’t even halfway through finished because she wasted so much time.

  “You don’t sound excited,” I inquired.

  Mila plucked at the grass beside me. “Maybe it’s just not for me. I’m not the college kinda girl. You know I applied because you made me,” she shoved my shoulder.

  “I didn’t make you; I just strongly encouraged,” I shrugged. “So, what are you thinking? What will you do?”

  She shrugged her shoulders and said, “Mom says that she can get me a job downtown at Dr. Rasner’s office. I can do some secretary work for right now, you know, until I figure it out.”

  My heart sank for Mila. For my friends, they were dropping like flies. It’s not that I think they have to go to college, but I know whatever it is they are looking for, they wouldn’t find it in Tunica Rivers.

  “Have you heard about Joya?” Mila lowered her voice like someone could hear us. She changed the subject easily.

  “No, what?”

  “Word on the street is she and Mr. Chestnut are messing around.”

  “Really?” I thought back to our conversation at school.

  “Yeah, someone saw them together and now wheels are spinning. Can you imagine? Sleeping with an old man?”

  “I thought he was in his thirties?”


  “That’s old,” Mila nodded. “They say, that’s why she got that new car, he bought it for her. To keep her quiet.”

  “I-I… ” My words caught in my throat. I started to catch Mila up about my semi-friendship with Joya and what I knew but my loyalty to Joya was there too. I told her I would keep her secret—just like I would keep Jaxon’s. Mila studied me waiting for my reaction. She loved the gossip and sometimes I did too. I knew way more to the story, but it wasn’t mine to tell and I had too many other things on my mind.

  I swallowed.

  “That’s crazy,” I said flatly. I tried to go for no emotion so Mila wouldn’t follow up with questions.

  She kept right on talking, babbling on for a few minutes, but I really wasn’t listening. After a while she quieted and didn’t bring it up again.

  I said my goodbyes to Mama Jackie and climbed into the car. Mila followed behind me in her white Dodge Neon.

  We passed the hill, and I smiled. Mila, Will, Malachi, and I spent long afternoons there racing up and down the hill. I would miss it. I stared at the buildings. Tunica Rivers Pizza, the nail salon, the skating rink. The pottery studio. I spent many days as a child stomping through these establishments, and now may be some of the last times I do that before college.

  So many of these places I went to with Mom. I remember one day Mom took Sidney and I to Tunica Rivers Pizza and she ordered an entire party sized pizza tray. We ate until it stuffed us. Mom ordered more and more pitchers of soda, and we ate like kings. When the bill came, Mom told the manager we didn’t like the pizza, and the soda tasted funny—therefore we wouldn’t be paying the tab. The manager and Mom argued, and she had to call Dad to the rescue.

  Another time, Mom volunteered to chaperone my class trip to the skating rink. She got on the mic in the DJ booth and began rapping and singing over the Macarena song. They had to wrestle the mic from her. Back then it was embarrassing—it still is. But was that the last time I would have her in person, outside of Trochesse? If I knew that then, maybe I wouldn’t have been so embarrassed, knowing my time with her would be limited anyway.

  Did Mrs. Green know her son was blackmailing me? Dangling money in my face? I’m sure it wasn’t something they discussed over dinner. Jaxon’s mom steamrolled me—just like he did. I was indispensable to them, clearly. When they boxed me into a particular place, even if it was only a section of the supermarket—that’s where I had to be.

  Jaxon’s older brothers looked like Dumb and Dumber. They were tall and stupefied. Out of the three of them, I could see they were the brains of the operation and how Jaxon could be looked at as the black sheep of the family. The Greens chose favorites, and in their world, Jaxon made their lives harder because he actually required help with anything resembling hard work. That’s right. Jaxon’s problems made them work harder, and they had to overcome his shortfalls by calling in favors. Make someone write articles for them; help their son jump through hoops to get into college. I didn’t know if she knew what her son was up to, but the way I saw it—she was guilty too because she had birthed and created the monster that stood before us, over eighteen years of never holding him accountable. It was her fault. And they completed all of their hardest work on the backs of little people like me.

  CHAPTER 26

  May 3rd

  Hey Mom,

  I hope you’re okay. I’m sorry I haven’t been to Trochesse in a while, but I don’t have good news. I went to the pottery studio and I think I found out who bought your piece. I do know the people who bought the piece. We can talk about that in person, there’s too much to explain. I have all the brain pictures you can think of. Oh, and I went to Mama Jackie’s grave too. It felt nice to sit there and talk to her.

  Remember the last time we were all together when Mama Jackie was alive, and you were home? I remember. We were at the house grilling. It was the 4th of July and everyone was home. Sidney was young then, lol. She kept running to the water’s edge and trying to jump in. Even Sidney’s dad stopped by, remember? Things were good then. When the fireworks started that night, Ez grabbed his gun and howled at the moon. It’s so funny now, thinking about it.

  I’m not happy, Ma… things are… happening with me.

  Things that I don’t know how to explain. How are you sleeping? Do you have dreams? I’m not really sleeping well. I found an old box of your letters you wrote to Ez and Mama Jackie—when they sent you to that camp. I’m so sorry they did that to you. You were different, and people don’t know how to deal with that. I guess they don’t know how to deal with girls like us. But Mom, I’m not sure how to deal with me yet either. The thoughts are keeping me up at night, and I envision how I could hurt someone else. Sometimes the feeling lingers inside of me and it screams so loud to be let out and unleashed. It’s getting harder to hold it and I’ve been thinking, maybe just let it out… at least once and see if it will scratch the itch. Who knows, it could be a one-time thing… right? Maybe the next time I visit, we can talk about some of this stuff? I have so many questions. I hope you are ready to, because I sure am. See you soon.

  Love, Indy

  CHAPTER 27

  Sidney and I went to Ez’s house for our monthly cleaning. I pulled up to the house anticipating a fight from Ez, but he waited on the front porch and rocked in Mama Jackie’s favorite chair. I slammed the door shut and Ez stood and carried something towards me.

  “I can’t stay here while ya’ll ransack my home. But Indy I wanted to give you this,” Ez pushed a large black trash bag into my hands.

  I took the heavy item out of the bag, and it was my camera from the library.

  “Ez, what’s all this?” I asked, examining the camera.

  “Oh, wasn’t nothing really wrong with that thing girl. Your dad told me you broke your camera at school, and you seemed worried. I have me all kinds of electronics—it’s the real RadioShack over here! I fixed it for you.”

  I turned the camera over and peered at the lens and the missing piece from where Jaxon’s friend had broken it. It was all now replaced. I pressed the power button, and it popped on with no issues.

  “Thank you, Ez. Thank you so much!” I jumped up and down. I didn’t know who to thank first, Dad or Ez. I was worried about receiving the money from Jaxon so I could pay for the camera damage fee. Now I wouldn’t have to worry about that, and I could stop dodging the library’s calls.

  Ez patted my head and put his hat on. “Now I’ll be back soon. If I can’t find my stuff when I get back, I’m whipping your tail. Bye, Sidrock.” And with that he grabbed a paddle and trotted off to the water.

  Sidney and I glanced at each other and shared a smile. We entered Ez’s house and moved quickly throughout the rooms, but the mess seemed never-ending.

  I looked around at the clutter that still loomed before us. I stopped at the dollar store before we came to Ez’s and bought trash bags, but we still managed to almost go through the entire box. It seemed like every month we went through more and more. The sad fact was that Ez was accumulating more stuff. Before Grandma Jackie passed away, she taught Ez how to use the Home Shopping Network. Every week, he stood in front of the television with the house-phone, barking his order into the receiver. They mailed home a bill for each purchase and between me and Dad, we made sure it was paid. We couldn’t keep up anymore.

  This week I noticed he was stockpiling engine parts. Random nuts and bolts were strewn throughout the house and I swear he had an entire engine sitting in the living room. Why did he have this stuff? I tried not to touch them, these were probably some of the parts he used to fix my camera, and I was grateful.

  Hearing a car door close, I ran to the window and peeled down newspaper Ez had taped up. Malachi, Will, and Mila stood outside, supplies and trash bags in tow. They glanced around at the mess that was Ez’s yard. Will had been here before but not Malachi or Mila. They peered around the most. My heart skipped a beat at the sigh
t of them! They were here—for me. All three of them, at the same damn time. Between us sparring for one reason or another, it had been at least a month or two since we were together outside of school. My friendships with them are important to me, but lately, I wasn’t sure how they felt. Them being here right now told me they cared too. They still cared.

  I ran to the front door and carefully pulled it open so as not to knock over Ez’s pile of empty cans that the cats were eating from. “What are you guys doing here?” I asked with wide eyes.

  Will stepped forward. “Your dad called. He said you haven’t been sleeping well, and he asked why we haven’t been to the house in a while. He said we could find you here.… I called them up,” Will pointed to Malachi and Mila. “And well, here we are.” My dad came through for a second time, and my heart swelled with pride.

  I ran to Will and threw my arms around his neck. He stumbled back onto his mom’s car and dropped a bag filled with bleach, gloves, and cleaning supplies. Will grabbed me back, tighter this time. I inhaled one more time and he smelled of teakwood, shea butter, and a hint of love for me. Will’s arms were around me, and they felt tense and jerked slightly. Like he didn’t want to let go but he wasn’t sure if he should. I didn’t want him to let go, but not in front of Malachi and Mila.

  Hugging Malachi and Mila next, my heart was so full. I didn’t understand Malachi’s reason for not wanting to go to college, and I didn’t understand Mila’s relationship choices, and Will… well, I understood nothing about what was happening with me and him—but we were here. All four of us. They didn’t know how much that meant to me right now.

  “So, what’s going on?” Mila asked, looking past me up at the house. She and Malachi had never officially been to Ez’s house, and when Will came before, it looked totally different because Mama Jackie was still here to take care of things. Will glanced around, his face scowled, and he said nothing. By the looks of it, Will knew Grandpa Ez was not okay too.